"RoMS I love you even though you OTP Rarijack!" Monochromatic~
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Luster Dawn122 stories ·110 members
Made to play courier to a village tucked far in the countryside, Luster Dawn must deliver a letter asking for a decade-old story:
A peculiar event that nearly erased the town of Ponyville.
A long-time coming gift for Orbiting Kettle based on his requested prompt:
"Cheerilee, Mayor Mare, Pinkie Pie."
Edited by my beloved garatheauthor. Featured on August 20th-21st, 2020.
Beware spoilers in the comment section!
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Is this based off of another story?
10395167
It is not. Did you have a particular story in mind?
I genuinely cannot wait to see where this is going. Also, I can imagine Pinkie being someone to hold a grudge over a name.
10395205
!
Thanks for the kind comment
I hope you like the rest of the story. If you have any criticism or tidbits you want to let me know about it, well... let me know!
10395210
If I find anything, I will make sure to do just that!
Have a great day or night!
10395217
Thanks. You too! (night for me, I'm going to sleep)
I'm certainly intrigued. Looking forward to seeing this continue!
:)
10395253
Thanks! I'll likely drop a couple of chapters tomorrow evening. Now, I really gotta go to bed.
“It ate the town.”
Holy Conversion Bureau, Batman!
inb4 something like "We're 10 years older. This happened 20 years ago." or somesuch.
I see what you're doing, and it's not bad.
Neither is your handiwork, though some character thoughts and actions feel 'forced by the author'.
I like the story angle, I like the plot, I like the little revelations along the way.
You get a bit repetitive with things here and again (like Luster's inner thoughts)
It may be due to the format, it may be due to personal preferences, it may even be due to the content of the story itself, or likely a combination thereof - but I find myself skimming a lot of the text, because a fair bit seems drawn out beyond the point of suspension and mood, into superfluous territory.
Which, is a shame really.
10401620
Thanks for swinging by with the critical comment! It's always great to get some of those.
True enough, I've written the story to try and explore relationships between ponies. Suspense or mystery are barely second thoughts (thus the absence of relevant tags in that area). It's even prefaced in the early chapters that this story will turn out fine.
I'm interested in examples if you have any at hands. That will be interesting to internalize for later writings.
You've really written a wonderful, fun, and coherent brain-twister right behind the wall. And what comes before, the ponies, their relationships, their voices: it's really a splendid story and I'm incredibly curious about what happens next
P.S. Tell Spike to return to Canterlot and bring Rarity too, Their foal hybrids are at it again, and he's not answering his burp mail.
P.P.S Tell them to pick up on new stores of ice cream (They take after their mothers binge eating)
10404601
P.P.P.S. Can you buy ink and quills at Quills and Sofa too? I'll pay you back with coffer money, I promise.
10404610
I really, really appreciated the way you ended it all. It was bitter-sweet, a bit melancholic, and a wonderful portrayal of relationships over the events in which they express themselves.
Thank you for it. It was splendid.
10406491
Thanks for the comment. I am really glad it at least landed on its hooves.
That was a good read. Luster's an adorkable pain in the butt, but she knows it and tries to be better, which counts for a lot! And a very good job indeed with Cheerilee, Mare, and Pinkie, plus of course the sinister timey-wimey shenanigans of the Wall and the little black hole at the center.
Bad Twi and Glim-Glam! No breaking space-time continuum!
10408055
Thanks for the read, the kind comment, and the fav!
Now I have to add a beware spoilers in the comments in the description. Ahah
Nice story! Characters feel real.
10413714
Thank you very much for the kind comment!
"the Wall"...reminds me of a Simpsons comic book, where THEY built a wall between East and West Springfield.
effectively between the rich and the poor, BUT the rich had NO WATER...
this reminds me of a Xanth novel, "ogre, ogre", when someone went into a place known as "the Void".
they needed help from some magical creatures known as Night Mares to escape.
10740420
Thanks for reading my story btw.
I have never heard of it.
Well, this was a neat story. Mayor Mare x Cheerilee was a ship I had never seen before.
11162937
Thanks!