Episodes
“Do you think relationships matter?”
The question floated into the air like a feather on the breeze. Floating, and floating, and floating and hoping to land somewhere that made sense. Twilight’s eyes followed the invisible query, her back on the bed and her friend’s chin on her stomach.
Did things ever matter, she wondered.
“What?” asked Pinkie, a frown marring her face. “What’d you mean?”
“I don’t know,” said Twilight.
It was just a thought, she thinks a second later. A silly little thought that plagued her dreams.
Do relationships matter, or do we tell ourselves that they do?
Things mattered so much.
All the time they mattered, hounding her like wolves in the night. Why couldn’t they just stop mattering for once?
“So, what’cha wanna do later?” asked Spike as he poured milk into a cereal bowl, several droplets of milk falling on the table.
They mattered too, Twilight thought, and she wished they didn’t.
She did not answer Spike’s question. Or she did, but not so much in words as she replied in emptiness.
“Twilight?” Spike asked, his tone softening. “Twilight, what’s wrong?”
“Everything matters,” replied the alicorn whose life danced between spotlights. “Everything matters too much.”
“How do you make them stop?” she asked the void, which was Applejack in this particular case.
“You can’t,” replied Applejack, taking a bite from an apple that was red, and glistening and distracting all at once. “You do the same thing you do with bad apples. Find ‘em, pick ‘em and then throw them away or find a better use for ‘em.”
“I don’t know how to do that,” Twilight replied, and she hated those seven words in that particular order. She hated what she did not understand, what she could not do, what she did not know.
They laid on the grass, and yet all Twilight felt was the pressure in her chest.
“Breathe,” Fluttershy sang in whispers to the wind, to the sun and whoever would listen.
“I can’t,” Twilight replied. “Or, well, I can, but it hurts.”
It hurts to live when living hurts. Did that make sense? It felt like it did but didn’t at the same time. Why couldn’t things just stop?
She heard Fluttershy get up, heard her walk over and then felt her snuggle up against her. It was painfully relaxing, as if her body protested what it sorely needed.
“Breathe.”
“I dunno. I just don’t think about it,” replied Rainbow Dash, throwing a soccer ball into the air and then catching it in her hooves.
“You don’t?” asked Twilight, a little surprised, a little awed, a little envious. “How?”
“I just don’t,” Rainbow replied. “It’s just gonna make me feel bad, y’know? So why even think about it when I can be doing other stuff?”
Twilight didn’t know what to say. How easy it sounded, to just not think about things that hurt, but thoughts were all she had.
Thoughts were the only thing that were hers, for better or worse.
“Everything ends sooner or later,” she said to herself, to the world, to a cat.
Opalescence scowled as she recited, from a book or her head she could not tell. A mix of facts and feelings that felt accurate somehow.
“Look at romantic relationships,” she continued. “It’s been scientifically-proven that love doesn’t last, so why get in a relationship anyway? Why do anything when sooner or later it won’t matter?”
“Twilight, do you want to depress me?” Rarity asked as she sewed her dress.
“No,” Twilight replied ashamed. “It’s just…”
“Why live,” Rarity continued, “when you’re going to die regardless.”
It was just words.
All the time, words, words, words that didn’t stop, didn’t shut up, they just were even though she asked them to please just once leave her alone.
“Face them,” said the princess of the night.
Not because she lacked sympathy, but because nightmares were better faced straight on. After all, as much as she wished she could, Twilight Sparkle could not hide from what lived, breathed and burned within her.
“Why are you here?” she asked despairingly.
“Face them, Twilight Sparkle,” said the Princess again.
“No,” Twilight croaked to the unforgiving void. “I don’t want to.”
It was easy to say no again after saying it once.
No, she couldn’t go out today because she had to study, and she couldn’t tomorrow either since she had cleaning to do. No, she couldn’t ever go out because she had thousands of excuses she would force herself to believe.
“Twilight…” Spike said, and she wanted to again tell him to please leave her alone. She. Was. Fine. “The girls are here…”
Irritation consumed her as she trotted into the lobby.
“Twilight,” Fluttershy asked. “What’s wrong?”
Everything, Twilight wanted to say.
She fell to the floor and cried instead.
“I’m sorry,” whispered Twilight to six ponies and a dragon, eyes soaked with tears held in for too long. She wasn’t sure who was hugging her, but she hoped they’d never let go. “I just…”
“Twilight,” Applejack said, her voice far away but close. “You got nothin’ at all to apologize for, sugarcube.”
“We’re here for you, Twi,” Rainbow said, and more tears burned at her eyes. “Got it?”
Her words came out in a choked strangled sob. She wanted it to please just stop. Just one single day of feeling fine, please.
“Darling,” Rarity whispered, “it’s okay to cry.”
A content sigh left her lips. There really was nothing quite like reading Starswirl’s extended magic theorems.
“Enjoyed your book?” Rarity asked from across the picnic mat.
“I did!” At Rarity’s funny expression, she raised an eyebrow. “What?”
“Nothing,” replied the unicorn. “It’s just nice to see you smiling again.”
“I’m getting better, I think.” She paused. “But…”
“But?”
“I’m afraid,” she confessed. “What if it comes back?”
Rarity hummed. “Well, when that happens, we’ll just have to remember that what comes up must go down, but...”
“But what comes down,” said Twilight with a smile, “will come up again.”
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Great story!
camo.derpicdn.net/65e56bca0bf663627d9d78fb6b66d3e4820739c8?url=http%3A%2F%2F24.media.tumblr.com%2Fa257ad5165644b1f79354634dfdee284%2Ftumblr_mqo61uYbwk1rj6vd5o1_400.png
You want to describe apathy In one sentense? I can't find a better way to do it.
Stupid as I feel saying this... This is how it feels living it. You have to resist the lure of the word 'no', every day, sometimes with every decision you make. Because it's so easy to do it, once you do it just once. And trying to resist it doesn't always mean succeeding, either. Helps if you have someone who needs you. If not, well. Best effort.
I like stories like this, snapshots as opposed to the 'whole' story (then I suppose that also opens up debate as to what the 'whole' story is or needs to be).
Twilight is characterised very well, and the format of smaller discussions prevents it from losing its subtlety.
It's got a nice resolution that doesn't try to give too much in the way of an definite answer, more like a truce if that makes sense, and I think that works to the story's advantage.
Great work! :)
If you fall, and no one is there to catch you...
Good story, and good exploration of depression
Nice stuff! Really good to see some more stories from you!
You've done it again, Mono! Congratulations!
You is smart, you is kind, you is important.
And you is more than the thoughts, the words, the bad apples.
Congrats on getting this out even when it was hard.
Thank you for writing this, Mono. It was beautiful.
I suffer from depression as well, and I've struggled to express how it feels in writing. You've done what I could not. This is superb.
As someone who struggled with depression for several years, who wound up almost dying more than once because of it, I can only applaud this story. It is so hard to write about depression in a way that makes sense, or in a way that's actually accurate without coming off as ham-fisted or exaggerated. And I think this is one of the best attempts at conveying it that I've seen. Bravo to you, author. Bra-freaking-vo.
Nice snapshots into how crippling and self reinforcing depression can be.
I had no idea what to expect from a 1k Mono tale, but the 5-word opening ruled out a crack fic while setting up an incisive read.
This is amazing, Mono - thank you for painting a highly relatable, slice of life portrait of the human/pone condition.
Acedia, the Noonday demon, is an insidious trouble. That grey malaise, seeping into the corners of your life until you just can't be bothered to do anything. It opens the door for worse things, for if there is nothing good left in your life, then evil will come to replace it.
Stay active! stay vigilant! Do not fall asleep! Recognize each moment of every day for the unique miracle that it is.
And never forget your friends, who will raise you up when you fall.
This story, as well as your author's notes, remind me of a bit of insight Stephen King said in his book "On Writing". He pointed out that you don't write to make friends or make money or be famous. You write because it saves you from feeling bad. I can relate. I write to get the noise out of my head, but the need to hammer down the depression I sometimes feel myself falling into also plays a factor.
I'm definitely faving this.
This does really well at getting you inside Twilight's head, and it feels perfectly in character that she'd feel this way at times. It's also interesting seeing how the other characters work through bad thoughts. Great job!
Loved this 💜 nice seeing how you captured every character’s way of dealing and of course ending with Rarity ☺️
Depression is like a solitary room in hell, with only your name on the door... great story and stuff.
Thanks for words to describe the indefinable.
Yeah, this. All of this. Every bit of this. Even the ending. Maybe especially the ending.
Your note about Celestia made me smile.
This was a great one, Mono
Thank you is woefully inadequate for what you deserve for this but for now it is the best that I can give.
Hits close. Real close.
I wish I had friends like that.
~Skeeter The Lurker
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Maybe you do. You'll never know unless you speak up.
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It's hard to do just that when you've spent your whole life belittled and ignored.
Not bad advice, just difficult advice.
~Skeeter The Lurker
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It gets weirder once you realize the No has taken on a mind of it's own (yours) and the No starts to internally and obviously override things like going to see friends, family, and even takes visible effort to get the basics of life done to remain functionally depressed.
Because it likes it that way.
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Just because something is simple doens't mean that it's easy.
>Noticing the drops of spilled milk.
Holy crap. I know that feeling. I hate it when my brain is in THAT place.
An elegantly crafted stab to the heart. Phenomenal work.
(That said, it's probably a good thing you couldn't work in Cadence. She'd probably slug Twilight for that line about love never lasting.
)
"Laid"
Once again, Mono, you have written something that is both deep and thoughtful.
I'll admit, I am Rainbow Dash most days, not really understanding, and some days I am Twilight. I'll never really truly understand the feelings that some of my friends go through, nor at times will I ever be able to explain the feelings I have to my friends. And I am not sure it's a terrible thing, understanding often stems from experience, so for one to understand these things means you have to have been through it before.
And yet. And yet this story reminds me a lot of a scene from one of my favorite shows, The West Wing, in which the Chief of Staff Leo McGary (Played by the amazing John Spencer, may he rest in peace) tells his friend and the Deputy Chief of Staff an allegory about mental health that tells the tale of a man stuck in a hole. And many people walk by the hole, but no one truly helps or pays much attention to the man until his friend passes by and jumps down with him. The man, of course, tells his friend he is crazy for jumping down here, and the friend simply smiles and says it's okay, he's been down here before and he knows the way out!
I think, in the end, that both your story and that allegory have a lot in common, and that makes me smile.
So thank you, Mono, for sharing this story with us and the world. You're an amazing author, and an equally amazing human being! So keep up the good work!
While I have not directly struggled with depression myself, I have had close relationships with those who have, and so this story is recognizable from the other side of the conversation... the struggle to know what to say to a person who is locked in a mindset that just doesn’t exist for you. The story is rather haunting, in that respect.
This story hits me in places I thought didn't exist, but here we are. I love this! Such an amazing read
Guess depression is a person-specific thing. While I recognize some themes, for me this story is mostly a hit-and-miss thing.
Still, it's a good attempt. Please, continue writing!
My #1 go-to response to anything I don't want to think about.
Everything matters ... And yet it doesn't. I sometimes catch myself watching mind things go about their machinations, watching physics toy with the objects of our reality, imagining them in anything but.
You make it stop when you stop caring. When you stop feeling. When you numb yourself to the world and it's painful cruelty. After all, what does the world care about you? Just one more drop in the bucket, forgotten in an ocean of oblivion.
We cherish what we can call our own, for what else do we have in life?
We don't mean to be depressing. We don't want to spread the hurt and confusion. It's not our fault, it's the world, or so you can say to yourself.
Everything does, indeed, end, and it certainly will not end with you, or your family, or even Earth.
It all ends when it stops mattering.
People, they are irritating because they are a distraction.
A distraction from what? Your depression? Those myriad of ill defined things you must do instead?
They're just...annoying "because reasons", and that's totally all there is to it.
That little buzz in the back of your head when you're forced to interact with someone.
But they're not always there.
Sometimes you have no friends, and your family remains ignorant to your plights.
Your screams are silent and your voice unheard.
After all, how can anyone help you when you wear that mask? That mask of calm. The mask of indifference and apathy that you don each morning to shield yourself from the emotions and plights of the wicked world out there, just daring you to slip and crack so it can torment your tears.
Nobody can see that weakness. Nobody should hear your cries. Because they don't care.
Or so you say...so you think...when you have nobody around to hold you or to tell you to let go.
Ah, a smile, that forbidden fruit.
Welp, I hope I sufficiently confused the ever loving crap out of you all with my deliberately pessimistic and defeatist commentary.
(
)
To me, that's the truth of the matter, because quite frankly I myself have not reached the last slide, or even the second or third last.
Kinda hard to do that when you don't got friends, amiright?
I...I still won't let myself feel. Even when reading this.
Please stop this personal attack.
Nah man this hits way too close to home.
Please keep writing the good stuff. You’re a good author.
That was... uncomfortable to read.
Going to have to think about some stuff.
Excellently written, though. Just, need to sort some stuff out in my head.
but more importantly, did you have a happy ending here just because and made the noise stop for a while... or are you good?
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You don’t choose your family, but you do choose your friends. If you find some
new onesgood ones, then you’ll find that living isn’t so hard when you have something to live for.I hope I put some happiness in you today.
I've been there, maybe not in the exact same way, but yeah, that feeling of everything mattering, yet doesn't feel worth it...it's a horrible, defeated feeling. I'm doing much better now, thanks to therapy. I'll still have moments of feeling overwhelmed or apathetic, but they are far fewer, pass so much quicker, and don't spiral out of control so much.
Anyway, this captures a feeling very well, and I LOVE the ending! <3 Thank you!
This describes much of my life, sans the friends. Thank you. This hits close to home in a good way.
I didn’t know that that was how it feels like. You are talented.
Sooo accurate
9278560 Check out Applejack Digs a Hole.
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I shall do so :D