Our Mightiest Weapon
Twilight Sparkle blinked, a harsh light causing her pupils to shrink and obscuring her vision. She was sat on her haunches in what she could only assume was an Ancient Equestrian dungeon, as she had been for almost twenty minutes now.
She'd ran through the possibilities since she impossibly woke up there, and could only conclude that she had either been drugged or hexed. She distinctly remembered going to sleep in her castle the night previous, not wherever this place was.
Naturally, Twilight did what any logical pony would do when confronted with a strange, potentially dangerous situation. She searched the area for any points of interest, or items that might be useful in her escape. Unfortunately, all she found were some rusty shackles hanging on the stone-laden walls, a large wooden table which appeared to be bloodstained, and a railing containing multiple head sized sacks. Not very promising.
Despite still having nearly all of her mental faculties, Twilight found herself not only physically weakened, but locked away from the section of her brain that allowed her to perform magic. Surely, if she could cast but a single spell, she could either burst her her way out of the ironclad door that stood on the other end of the room or teleport past it. Even with her natural alicorn strength she could probably buck through it, if it wasn't for her weakened state.
And so it was that after twenty minutes of searching, Twilight resigned herself to waiting. It wasn't as if she had the strength to do anything else. Whoever her mysterious captors were, they likely wanted information—if the set up of the room told her anything, it was that these ponies probably had no ethical issues with how they extracted that information.
With this thought fresh in her mind, Twilight heard the door begin to creak. She briefly considered rushing forwards to engage the jailer in combat, but after seeing three ponies on the other side – two unicorns – she thought against it.
As most rational ponies would be, Twilight was scared, and as most scared ponies would be, Twilight was currently trying to think of the best way to get out of this situation. For the time being, nothing came.
As the ponies entered, the harsh light of a candlelit chandelier hanging above revealed their faces to Twilight. She didn't recognise any of them, but she was sure that she had seen mention of the crimson robes they sported in some archaic text, somewhere in her vast library.
The lead pony, a light grey stallion with a short, thin black beard – his mane hidden by his hat, which matched his robes – stepped forwards. He bore an overly serious countenance, as if he was working for someone of a higher station than himself. When he spoke, his odd, fatuous cadence almost made Twilight giggle, despite her worry. "Cardinal," he started, motioning towards a second stallion, "bring the accused forwards!"
With a nod, the bumbling stallion shuffled over towards Twilight, unceremoniously grabbing her and thrusting her forwards. Twilight, still on her haunches, looked up at the leader with a bemused, insulted expression. "Accused of what?! I haven't done anything wrong! I don't even know you!"
The leader audibly cleared his throat before turning to the pony that had pushed Twilight over. "Cardinal, the charges, if you please?"
If the first pony's voice was strange, this one was downright alien. He spoke with an incredibly peculiar accent, sounding quite similar to the twang of an out of tune banjo, and Twilight had to strain her ears to understand what he was saying. "You are accused of multiple counts of heresy, sacrilege, blasphemy, and conspiracy against the church! How do you plead, foul wench?"
To say this caught Twilight off guard would be a gratuitous understatement. "B-blasphemy? Church? But Equestria hasn't had a system of religion in over—"
"Irrelevant!" the lead pony barked, indignant, "We will tell the name of our good Lord and Saviour anywhere, and we will not tolerate any alternatives! You Equestrians with your science and your 'modern thinking', you sicken me."
Oddly, the three robed ponies began to make 'pa-teau' sounds, imitating spitting in their funny accents. "You alicorns, you would purport to be gods as well as royalty, and have ponies worship you on two fronts! The world does not work that way, princess, the church does not agree with your 'build-your-own-god' mentality, that which tarnishes the name of our Lord!"
Twilight's eyebrows narrowed, and she soon found herself staring at the robed pony incredulously, wondering how he could be so upset over such a thing. Chewing her lip, she attempted to come up with the correct words to mollify him. "...I'm sorry? Uhm, if it helps, I've never claimed to be a god, and I don't think ponies have ever tried to worship me—"
"Silence! We have seen you, Twilight Sparkle. We have seen you parading around in your castle, acting humble in the streets, exercising your royal power only when it suits you, and reminding all the other ponies around you just how normal and like them you are the rest of the time. We've all seen you, and we thought you looked like a bitch."
Something about his words seriously pissed Twilight off. "E-excuse me?!" she barked, her horn briefly sparking before shorting out. Growling, she eyed the nearby door, tired of this debate and too angry to worry. "I've had enough of this. I am a Princess of Equestria, and I will not be forced to places against my own will, nor accused of heinous and obscure crimes that I never committed! Now, I demand you release me at once!"
"Oh, there you go, doing it again. 'Oh, I'm Princess Twilight Sparkle, I pretend to be a kind and fair pony but as soon as something happens that I'm not so keen on, I start throwing the royalty card down!'"
"'Not so keen on?!'" Twilight repeated, anger rising in her chest, "You freaking kidnapped me for crying out loud!"
The robed pony scoffed, waving a dismissive hoof. "Oh, stop with your abstruse technicalities. Now, do you admit to these blatant charges or not?"
"You mean charges of blasphemy against a god that no one even worships?" Twilight asserted, clearly aggravated now.
"You admit it! You have denounced the name of our lord, and you will pay the penalty!" The pony with the odd accent almost screeched, causing Twilight to pull down on her ears.
"No," the lead pony said, turning to his companion, "She has only implied it. But don't worry," he turned back to Twilight, the edge of a smile on his muzzle, "We will soon get the truth out of you, heathen."
Twilight was past fear, she was just plain irritated now. "What are you going to do, torture me for not believing in something I've never heard of?"
"Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you! Debauched, decadent heretic," he spat, locking eyes with Twilight. "No, we have something far worse planned for you, something which will prove your hedonism once and for all, and show you for the fiend that you and your ilk really are!"
"You won't get away with this," Twilight smiled, confident. "When Celestia finds out about this, she'll—"
"Oh you poor soul," the lead pony shook his head, a curve to his lips. "You think we haven't already broken Celestia?"
For the second time since she woke up, Twilight felt a perilous hole forming in her stomach. "You... You did?"
"Just one slice of the black forest gateau, and she was offering to abdicate her throne! Her gluttony knows no bounds. She soon accepted that for such a delectable treat to be possible, there must be a higher force, a mighty and powerful god capable of bestowing such magnificent beauty upon this land. Soon, you will come to see these things."
"Wait..." Twilight cocked her head, giving the three ponies the most incredulous of stares. "Cake? You got the most powerful princess in Equestria to bend to your will with cake?"
"Do not take our words as false, sinner!" The pony gestured behind her, "Simply look at the table, and you can see the fruits of our labour yourself! For days and nights we experimented, working to find the perfect blend. The cardinal got angry once, in his blind rage he crushed a score of cherries!" His face downcast, he added: "We have been unable to get the stains out of the table since."
Suddenly, the 'bloodstained' table looked a little less ominous. Still, the fact that they had managed to control Celestia with little more than a desert was more than foreboding, and Twilight wasn't going to let her guard down easily. "What about Luna?" she asked, hoping to get some information she could use to her advantage.
"Do not speak her name!" the lead pony yelled, looking all around him in what appeared to be fear. "The Night Pony's intemperance knew almost no bounds, she was the most resilient of all we have encountered. Of course, we did eventually find the sinner's weakness, and it was so great and terrible that I'm afraid we cannot utter it without feeling a little sick." Wearily, he looked towards his two companions, who were both blanching. "In fact, we would like to forget about it, if possible. We are not very proud of how we convinced her."
"You have to admit," the strangely accented cardinal started, "it did feel pretty—"
"Desist at once! Have you forgotten your vows of abstinence, even while our brother remembers his promise of silence?" Wistfully, he appeared to think back to previous events, eyeing the third, silent pony. "Even when we were in the worst throes of the princess's salacious wiles, our brother did not make a single sound, not one!"
Proudly, the third pony nodded. Twilight narrowed her eyes. "Does he not have a name?"
"We wouldn't know, he doesn't speak." The leader replied, deadpan. Suddenly, he gasped. "Do not think I am blind to your efforts, succubus! Do not attempt to derail the conversation with your superfluity, to lower our barriers and cajole us. We are impenetrable."
"Well, Princess Luna proved otherwise," the cardinal said, eyeing the leader.
Twilight couldn't help snorting in laughter; even the mute pony seemed about to burst. The leader, however, was red as a beetroot. "Enough! I will not stand impudence from my own stallions! We have been charged with a mission from god, and we will carry it out, and without any jokes!"
"So what are you going to do?" Twilight asked, still giggling, "Try and appeal to my carnal desires? Bring out the demon inside of me?"
"Tsk. Of course not, that would be silly."
The cardinal nodded, "Yes, quite silly indeed."
The mute stifled yet another laugh.
"Wait," Twilight paused, bewildered, "That would be silly? So, let me get this straight. Out of all of the stuff you've said so far, all of the things you've done so far, this is where we cross the line into the territory of lunacy?"
"Well, of course, look at you. You're completely frigid."
"Hey! I am not frigid! How dare you!"
"Really? Then when, pray tell, have you ever shown any desire towards another pony?"
Twilight quickly found herself blushing as she stood in the medieval dungeon with her three kidnappers. "Uhh, well, just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it never will!"
The lead pony raised an eyebrow. "Really. And you're how old now?"
"Twenty-th—That's not important!" Twilight pouted.
"Yes, I'm sure it isn't. Anyway, we have devised a much more suitable test for you, one that is sure to prove your vile ways."
Twilight was rarely less excited for a test than she was right then. "Well, I still think this is ridiculous. And once you've performed this 'test' on me, I can leave?"
"No. Once you have confessed your sins, and have sworn to uphold the values of your true lord, then, and only then may you leave."
Twilight couldn't help rolling her eyes. "Fine, let's get this over with."
"With pleasure," the lead pony grinned deviously. "Cardinal! We will not waste time with this one. Fetch her."
"...Her?" Twilight echoed, head tilted.
"We said we had been watching you." The leader reminded her, trotting back and forth with a powerful gait. "We know what it is that makes you tremble, what it is that you would happily give up your heart and soul for..."
Reflecting on his words, alarm flashed in Twilight's eyes, and he bolted towards him. "I swear, if you've hurt any of my friends, I'll-I'll—!"
"Believe me, it is much worse than that. Ah, here she is." The cardinal pushed in a large piece of furniture, though it was covered by a white, opaque sheet.
"Is that... A chair?" Twilight asked, her eyes tracing the curves of the object being slid towards her. A few seconds, and she thought back to the last time someone had told her she had an unhealthy obsession with chairs. Two weeks ago, in Quills and Sofas, Starlight had had to drag her away from the latest Readeasy Nightlover—apparently, sitting in a chair for seven hours straight without buying it was some sort of problem, and the store owners were just too polite to say anything to her. Twilight found that strange, because they hadn't seemed uncomfortable during her other monthly chair testing days, nor her chair appreciation days, or her chair reading days, or even her chair sleeping days.
Twilight didn't have a problem. I mean, yeah, maybe she did have a bit more of an interest in chairs than the average pony, but that didn't mean anythin—ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh is that an Indolent Perusal 9000 with reclining seats, a custom book grip, a built in sound system and a cup holder?!
By the time the sheet had been removed, Twilight was physically salivating. "H-how?! I thought this line was discontinued when I was just a filly?"
Smiling victoriously, the lead pony stepped towards the seat, clearly admiring it as he should have been. "This was the culmination of so much hard work... More than the cake, and even more than the, erm, other things we did with Luna. You ask how? Our lord's son and prophet was a carpenter, and in his life he released a quite extensive manual, effectively teaching us how to be like him. Through extensive study of this holy text, we were able to recreate the one thing you have desired for your entire life, but never been able to have."
Twilight reluctantly tore herself from the mesmerising image of the black synthetic leather before her. "How did you know? How did you know that I wanted it so desperately?"
"Do you not understand?" the leader smirked, "Our god sees all, and his bounty is plentiful. For you not to renounce your ways now would be foolish."
"Also," the cardinal interjected, "We overheard her talking about it with a sofa salesman that one time."
"Idiot!" the leader barked, "You're not meant to tell her that! Besides, it matters not. Tell me, Twilight, in a world where a mortal man could know so much, where he and his disciples could impart their knowledge, and it could be so strong that it would allow his followers to do this," he gestured towards the chair, "do you not believe that there must be a god?"
Twilight was silent for longer than she should have been. "Usually, I would say no, but..." she trailed off, running wanting eyes along the sitting instrument's supple, bespoke curvature. When she spoke again, it was in a whisper, almost desperate. "Can I... Can I sit in it?"
"Please, make yourself comfortable," the pony smiled, his eyes shining.
Twilight slowly stepped forwards. It was as if everything in her life, every trail and tribulation, every hope and desire, were all leading right up to this moment. Reaching the stunning instrument of pleasure, she slowly ran a hoof along its arm, shuddering from the contact. It felt so smooth, so welcoming. "This isn't my first time," she whispered to the chair, "but it's yours, so I'll go slow..."
Taking her time, she positioned herself before easing into the seat, pleasure exploding across her body as it not only took her weight, but began to envelop her in a cocoon of pure, undiluted comfort. Suddenly, she could wait no more, and she pushed herself into it all at once, gasping at the sheer delight the dark beauty willingly offered.
"So, what do you think of our—"
"Shut up," Twilight snapped, glaring at him. "Let me savour this."
Conceding, the lead pony merely watched as Twilight stretched and rolled around, unbridled joy painted across her face as she elicited small gasps and moans of sheer comfort. Her eyes half lidded and almost pleading, she looked up at the leader. "I can keep her?"
"If you accept your true god and swear to follow his way, you may. Otherwise, this wonderful gift will be rescinded, and you will never again know its comfort, its allure, its love."
"You've said enough," Twilight stated, her face serious. "I'll do it. I'll renounce my ways and follow your lord, I promise, just please let me take her home..."
"You swear this?" the leader asked, his eyebrow slanted.
"Yes, yes I swear it!" Twilight begged, her hoof caressing the book holder, imagining which tome she would slowly tear through first. "Just please, don't take her away from me."
Smiling, the leader raised his hoof. "Very well, you are free to go." He lowered his head, touching his horn against Twilight's and sending a single pulse through. "Your magic is reactivated, you may leave at any time."
He didn't need to say anything else. At once, Twilight had enveloped the chair and her own body in a teleportation field, taking them both straight back to her library.
Once she had left, her prize in tow, the leader let loose a single, derisive laugh, as villains often do.
Confused, the cardinal glanced over to him. "What's so funny?"
"Silly, inordinate sinner."
"Inordinate, sir?"
"Yes, you blithering idiot." His smile growing, he gestured toward the door. "She was so caught up in her desires that we never even had to show her the 9001 model."
The mute stallion howled with laughter.
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That was brilliant. Have a fave.
I loved it!
cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/270611210922229770/358333010199707658/Michael_Palin_Monty_Pythons_Flying_Circus_1970_2.2.4.jpg
At least it's not an angry chair.
I know nothing about the Triple Threat scene you mentioned and haven't actually watched the Monty Python sketch, so this story made little sense to me as regards the scenario. That being said, I enjoyed it. It was funny. It made me laugh. Some of the dialogue seemed a bit unnatural, a bit over-the-top, but I suppose that was the point. Would I read more of this sort of thing? Yeah, I think I would. Good job, man!
Isn't that the chair where she's being all sexy like?
8428540
8428434
No matter where I go someone always beats me to the sereferences.
What did they do to Cadance?
8428421
Thanks very much mate!
8428434
This was hilarious and oddly applicable, thanks for sharing!
8428454
Thank you! Glad I could please.
8428468
Yes, there they are!
8428499
Thanks for sharing this. I've not listened to AiC in years, and this song was really good!
8428540
As far as I'm concerned, knowledge of the scenes isn't strictly necessary to understand and enjoy this story, but it is where I get a certain degree of the character's respective qualities, and the sketch is certainly worth checking out regardless! I'm glad you enjoyed it mate, and yes the OTT speech was intentional!
8428597
It's the chair which she shows Thorax in season 7 episode 15, if you're referring to the cover pic. As for the Indolent Perusal 9000? I tried finding a photo of it but every device I used crashed after so much as witnessing its image.
8428617
Glad to see someone posted this!
8428654
If it makes you feel any better, it happens to me too!
8428670
Whatdidn'tthey do to Cadence?Ahem. Good question! Well, logistically speaking, I think it's reasonable to assume that if the EI started off by going to Canterlot, they would visit Ponyville next, it being closer. As for what they will do to Cadence when they get to her, who knows? Depends how much sequel demand there is, I guess!Thanks for the comments everyone, I'm glad to see people enjoying this story!
AAIQU
This was wonderful, always good to see another Monty Python inspired story. Especially one involving the Inquisition that nobody or nopony ever expects.
Glen Gorewood
You get featured. Fast.
Yes a victory against decadence... Via what amounts to decadent gifts to royalty.
This also spared Twilight the unpleasant experience of enduring the soft cushions.
8428434
That was very, er, relevant. Sigh, I miss that show.
*is wiping tea off her screen*
This is just too good not to favorite...
over 9000
8429041
Nobody expects the... Oh you already said it.
Pretty sure retinas (the interior lining of the back of the eyeball) don't change shape. Even in ponies.
She likes the feeling of the comfortable fake leather pressing against her ponut.
8428840
Thank you, I'm very glad you enjoyed it! I've always loved Monty Python, I've had their film collection since I was a child, and I've seen a lot of the flying circus sketches too! Good comedy never gets old.
8429041
Well, maybe on their second or third entry, but still!
8429199
I suppose I did! I'm glad people enjoyed this one!
8429234
Don't take it too seriously, you can't expect too much logic from a story like this! You do make a good point though.
8429261
This seriously made me laugh! I'm guessing you've been talking to Cardinal Fang? He has a tendency to blabber about the Inquisition's nastiest torture methods, after a bit of the Blood of Christ is down his gullet.
8429325
Heh, that could actually work! The mental image of Celestia taking Philomena back to the pet shop is quite funny, I might do that one day!
8429441
Glad you enjoyed it! I hope I didn't make you waste too much of her majesty's most valuable stolen commodity.
8429455
Good point! I didn't even realised I'd referenced that when I wrote this. When you're making subconscious references, you must just be a born comic, eh?
Well, maybe not, but still.8429496
I make you completely right. This was a silly typo that I'll fix momentarily! Hope you enjoyed despite my apparent confusion regarding how eyes work.
8429510
I'll just read the sentence without the spoiler word. You might be interested to know that I considered making it real leather originally, with the discovery of it being real being the reason the line was discontinued, but I thought against it! Didn't wanna get too dark with this one!
Thanks very much for all the comments, everyone, I really appreciate them!
AAIQU
8429784
I'm a fan of Monty Python as well, and I'm so very happy with all the Monty Python inspired stories as of late.
You should do a story about The Lumberjack Song next, or maybe the Twit Olympics. If I haven't already I'm going to follow you now.
Because this is such a brilliantly silly story.
Glen Gorewood
No one suspects the Equestrian Inquisition!
Now we need a sequel "The Equestrian Bureau of Silly Walks"
Diabolical!
8429960
No one expects the lavender alicorn!
derpicdn.net/img/view/2017/8/21/1516678.gif
8429960
No one!
8430026
That would be a good one! At this rate I'm gonna have enough suggestions to ponify every MP sketch ever made!
8430250
Thank you! I try.
8430259
Oh my god. Who made this and where the hell did you find it? I can't believe how perfect that is for this story!
AAIQU
8430259
Maybe nopony expects the Equestrian Inquisition, but I certainly didn't expect my gif to show up here!
Well played, Fwelin. Well played.
A cup holder? Dang, that seals it. Chair of the gods confirmed.
'Indolent Perusal 9000'? More like 'Indecent Arousal', judging from Twi's reaction.
8429784
Just a small sip. It was still a bit hot for a full mouthful.
8430268
no no no mister hilter
They're not lying...
This was, like, the weirdest thing I've ever read.
8429854
I love the twit olympics, such a brilliant sketch! Thank you for the kind words, mate!
8430395
You made an absolutely brilliant gif, it's a shame I never saw it before writing this! Kudos, mate!
8430445
It really is a effin' good chair!
8430500
You may be onto something! She is pretty keen on that chair, after all.
8430626
Lots of brilliant sketches to draw inspiration from! Maybe this won't be my first and last Monty Python inspired story? Time will tell!
8432066
Well, I'm not saying that's my opinion, but the EI feel very strongly that it's the case!
8432274
Somehow I don't feel like this was meant as a compliment, but I'm taking it as one anyway! Weirdest story is a nice accolade.
Thanks for all the comments everyone!
AAIQU
Could have been the pillows.
I burst out laughing at this part XD. Is it a reference to That Mitchell and Webb Look by any chance or was it complete coincidence?
Eh. It was alright. The overexaggeration of Twilight's fake interest in chairs was kind of weird, and the religion was so vague that it didn't really seem all that important, but it's not something I regret reading.
I fucking lost it here.
Bravo.
8432476
If I had mentioned the pillows too I think I would have been in danger of damaging the fragile minds of your average reader. People aren't expecting this much comfort condensed into a few short paragraphs!
8434009
"They're gone, sir. They're all gone. And we're back."
"I'm sorry... Who?"
"The incredibly pompous and stuffy people who are still unaccountably waiters."
I'm glad you got that one, it just felt like it needed to be added in!
8434392
Even if it wasn't your absolute favourite, I'm glad you were able to enjoy the read! Thanks for leaving a comment, mate.
8435093
Thank you very much! I'm glad I could entertain!
AAIQU
8438542
Very true
8438542
Ah HA! Now I'll have to read the lead pony's lines in David's voice.
Cheers mate!
That was absurd, ridiculous, only nominally sensical..... and I bucking loved it!
Though was half expecting Twi to make some crack about"how do you ponies keep stealing me out of my castle? Is there some secret door or something I need to board up?
This was just.. the best kind of absurd hilarity.
What religion were they even supporting??? there are several mixed things here
Kind of want the cheese shop done with quills instead of cheese at this point.
8811426
Do not ask, for if their Order is but one thing, it is an Order of secrets. Of secrets and justice, which is two things... (this can go on for a whiile)
If you want more of these guys, and you want them as ponies, I'd suggest the AU of "Sunny, Moonie, Twily". It'll take a while for their first appearance, though.