• Member Since 9th Sep, 2014
  • offline last seen 15 hours ago


Just doin' my own thing. ;)


Nopony likes criticism. Someday, eventually, somepony will hate something you write. Pinkie Pie is about to learn this the hard way, as she gives her latest story to Twilight to read. But as she reads and lists off the story's numerous obvious flaws, things begin to look a bit familiar.

Really familiar, actually.

A satire/crackfic written (at 2:30 AM, in about two hours) in humorous retaliation to my numerous criticisms as of late. Beginning to think I have issues.

Partially inspired by my proofing work for lord_steak. Thanks!

Also, my 30th story! Yay!

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 106 )

You sir, have officially done it.

Can't say I relate to this, but I still had fun reading this. It truly baffles me as to why some people don't like you're work.

Almost too much meta, but that isn't a bad thing.

7045128 Thanks for reading, and thanks for the faves. :twilightsmile:

:fluttershysad: I knew m' fiction wasn't up there with m' poetry, but I didn't think I committed that many sins.... :raritycry:

7045140 Worry not, my friend, these are mostly criticisms I've taken for my work. :twilightsheepish:

This is an ingenious, well-writen satire on critics of John Simon's type. Simon is a critic has contributed to New York, Esquire, The Hudson Review, National Review, Opera News, The New Leader, Commonweal, The New Criterion and The New York Times Book Review, among others. Simon's "stinging reviews—particularly his sometimes vicious appraisals of performers' physical appearances [ex. referring to Toy Story actor Wallace Shawn as "unsightly", and suggesting that Barbra Streisand's nose "cleaves the giant screen from east to west, bisects it from north to south[, zigzagging] across our horizon like a bolt of fleshy lightning", as well as alluding to "braying mantis" Kathleen Turner]—have periodically raised calls in the theatre community for his removal" according to Playbill magazine (no relation to—or probable tolerance of—Playboy). In his memoir Life Itself, Roger Ebert wrote, "I feel repugnance for the critic John Simon, who made it a specialty to attack the way actors look. They can't help how they look, any more than John Simon can help looking like a rat." When Mr. Simon likened Liza Minnelli's face to that of a beagle, the legendary comedienne Carol Burnett wrote to the editor of TIME Magazine: "Could Mr. Simon be suffering from a simple case of heart envy?"

After Simon was dismissed from New York in 2005 (25 years after the placement of an ad in Variety decrying his reviews as racist and vicious), Richard Hornby wrote this in the Hudson Review:

His removal seems to have been political, with a new editor-in-chief acceding to the usual pressure from theatrical producers to replace him with someone more positive....In fact, Simon was no more negative than most critics, but his lively writing style meant that his gibes were more memorable than those of the others. His enthusiasms were expressed with the same vigor—after heaping praise on the writing, acting, directing, and even the set designs of Doubt, for example, he described it as "a theatrical experience it would be sinful to miss." But positive reviews tend to be taken for granted, while negative ones are seen as personal insults. (I regularly get angry letters and e-mails of complaint from actors and theatre companies, but no one has ever thanked me for a favorable notice.) Theatrical producers in particular become enraged when reviews do not sound like one of their press releases. They finally seemed to have prevailed.


I figured a tongue-in-cheek response was warranted, given the piece. :moustache:

All seriousness, the meta was delicious. And I still appreciate the fine-toothed comb you use in proofing, especially when it comes to what does/doesn't work.

7045169 Thanks for reading. I've actually never heard of John Simon, but if he was that bad, he's definitely a man to be avoided. Thanks for the heads-up. :rainbowlaugh: Thanks for the favorite, too!

7045176 Thanks. I do my best with my obnoxious attention to detail and incessant perfectionism. It's a curse I've used to my advantage. :twilightsmile:

“Yes! Everyone knows that readers hate knowing exactly how their characters feel! If you’re going to write emotion, you need to be as pretentiously vague and indistinct as possible!”

You can't just have your characters announce how they feel! That makes me feel angry! :flutterrage:

By the way, this is now on the Popular Stories list on the front page.

7045131 Almost too much meta, but that isn't a bad thing.


...is there an echo in here?

7045242 I have no idea?

Comment posted by Jmaster99 deleted Mar 19th, 2016

7045212 LoL, yeah, I got it. I'll check my meta next time. :rainbowlaugh:

Thanks for the fave, by the way. :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Jmaster99 deleted Mar 19th, 2016
Comment posted by Jmaster99 deleted Mar 19th, 2016

Oh look, the downvote mafia. Someone please protect us from these monsters. Wah.

7045287 No problem. I always enjoy your work.

Whatever you write, I actually look forward to reading it.

This was a blast to read. Great job. Liked + faved!

7045341 Thanks for that. I'm glad you enjoyed it! :twilightsmile:

I see what you did there:trollestia:

I love how after everything Twilight says, the story goes the same way! Lol

7045537 I was hoping people would pick up on that. Thanks for reading! :twilightsmile:

This got a few chuckles from me. :pinkiesmile:

great story, my dude

RNBW #32 · Mar 19th, 2016 · · 1 ·

Twilight, ink coating her face and head, a quill pen jammed in each ear, and a large roll of parchment stuck up her butt, replied simply, “No. She doesn’t.”

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! :rainbowlaugh: TWILIGHT DESERVES IT!!! :rainbowlaugh:

Probably this coment will receive a thumbs down too. I mean, there someone who hates you?

7045625 Never mind them. I'm just glad you enjoyed the story. Thanks for favoriting! :twilightsmile:

You're welcome. :yay:


Just... Wow. Twilight needs some constructive criticism lessons.:unsuresweetie:

Anyhow, like and a fav! :twilightsmile:

7046153 Glad you liked it! Thanks! :pinkiehappy:

Jeez, the girls were merciless. :rainbowlaugh:
I liked the parallels with her criticism and what was really happening though. That was neat. Great work :yay:

7045916 Nice work on this story it was really funny.

And here, there’s also too much telling.”

“Huh?” Pinkie stopped and stared at Twilight. “’Telling?”

“Yes! Everyone knows that readers hate knowing exactly how their characters feel! If you’re going to write emotion, you need to be as pretentiously vague and indistinct as possible!”

Here's a huge flaw in logic here. The second part she's missing is show. The whole virtue of writing events happening is "show, don't tell". Instead of saying that a character feels sad, say that they spoke something in a sad voice or gave a sad look. The point is, describe actions, not states of being. When it comes to fight scenes, don't say that two characters fought, describe the fight with huge amounts of detail.

7046344 Ummm . . . . it's a joke. The whole fic is a joke. If you take apart the joke, there's no point.

Also, I'm pretty sure that it isn't a good sign of maturity to make fun of everyone that criticized your work. I'm sure that they had very valid complaints.

7046358 Alright, but did people who criticized your work mention problems with too much "telling"?

7046375 Initially. It's just in here because it's a common criticism.

7046365 Besides, I also make fun of people who don't handle criticism well. Like me. This whole fic is not to be taken seriously.

Very humorous read, my friend. Just the thing I needed after a long night of work. :rainbowlaugh:

7046600 Thanks. And thanks for the fave.

This story was a perfect way to start my day..

Basically I woke up (morning grumpy as always :twilightangry2: ),
Found this, thought it might be fun, gave it a read, had a few laughs, and now I'm not grumpy anymore. :twilightsmile:

...Still tired though, I need coffee... lots of coffee... and something (anything) with sugar... :pinkiecrazy:


Me before coffee - :twilightangry2:
Me during coffee - :pinkiehappy:
Me after coffee - :twilightsmile:

7046860 I'm glad I was able to brighten your day. Your fave made mine. :twilightsmile:

7046904 I also love the meta / 4th wall humor in this..

The fact that EVERY single thing Twilight complained about in Pinkies story, happens just a couple lines later.

Twi complains about characters suddenly just being there - couple lines later, Rarity is suddenly there.

Twi complains about over-explaning things - and then you overexplain things.

Twi also complains about UNDER-explaining, and then you do THAT.

So basically, it's a story about Twi proofreading and complaining about the story itself.

Which is actually NOT impossible when dealing with Pinkie, who seems to be able to break the fourth wall,
gravity, logic, and whatever else she wants... (There are even various theories that Pinkie is a chaos god, similar to Discord,
and there's LOTS of proof for this, if you're willing to hear my take on it all - keep in mind, it CAN be a decently long read.:pinkiecrazy:)

I also love how you (intentionally or by pure coincidence?) pokes a joke on the story where Dash writes the worst fanfic ever written,
and Twi proofreads it.

In any case, I also plan to browse your list of stories and see if I find any others I might wanna read.
If I DO, I'll leave a comment on them after reading, saying what I think. :twilightsmile:
And if I like them, I'll add them to my favourites list. :moustache:

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