• Member Since 23rd Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen February 22nd

Nightmare Darkness


T

After running away from an abusive home our hero/protagonist is granted a wish by the most unlikely of things. He awakes in Equestria with a new body, new life, and new challenges. What is in store for our boy? Read and find out.


Wow this story was featured 12, Aug, 2018 I am so flattered haha.

Chapters (23)
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Comments ( 137 )

amazing story dude! i like it so far!! :raritywink:




this is gonna be fun!:pinkiecrazy:

6999064 Glad to have an enthusiastic comment out of the gate haha.

Interesting....
...hmm...any chance you could be a different type of griffin?
like, a forest one, more arboreal in nature?

7020014 What, like falcon or hawk instead of eagle? Or do you mean more of a different body structure?

7020394
kind of both?
i mean, we know that griffonstone has different bird types of griffon (Grandpa Gruff Firegem, Rinehart), but i was thinking, the ones we see in series are living in mountains, what about ones that are suited to different environments? like, ones that are based on seabirds, or ones based on jungle birds and jaguar bodies, so they are more suited to tree's?

This is really good! Please more chapters??
:fluttershysad:

8317421
I just so happened to be writing the next chapter as we speak.

Gryphon... Well, definitely some originality here. Thumb up.

8320741
Thanks for reading and giving a comment :rainbowkiss:

What kinda crossover is this!? Also, points for the kid transforming into a griffon.

Ales #12 · Jul 25th, 2017 · · 1 · Party ·

So a broken 16 year old ends up in a new place and everything looks fine. Then the shock of everything new stops, and he starts suffering from PTSD( wonder if Gilda did to). I hope it is not to hard on him, lucky for him he got ppl that genuinely care for him.

So far so good. Plz continue

Why do I get the feeling the nanny is keeping something from us?

I think you need to pace your story more slow it down you know feels like you're rushing

8322260
I didn't want to spend much time in the human world so i rushed the beginning :rainbowderp:

Then your doing a great job

...Huh, the story is decent enough, but I would highly suggest getting an editor to look over chapters before you publish them.

Cool another chapter right after I read the last chapter

Again, I would suggest finding an editor or at least a beta reader.

8325503
No one ever takes the time even if I ask so I've given up on asking people to edit or proofread. If you wish to take up the task just say so.

What is this a crossover of?

8325548
Its not a crossover of anything its just a story of a character I made in Equestria, Ill be adding more action in later chapters to add some 'spice'.

8325555
If it's not a crossover why do you have the crossover tag on it?

Also, I might not catch all of the mistakes, but if you send me a chapter before you post it I will at least look it over. Do you use Google Docs?

Let's see...
The character turns into a griffon, can't say there isn't a lot of fics with that, nice.
the incorrect words makes it looks like you used the first suggested word of the corrector without paying attention to the context, correcting like that is worse than not correcting at all, because with a typo we know were are the error but using the wrong word to correct may change the context and confuse the reader, try to pay more attention when correcting mistakes.
fake named, if not used correctly it'll just make the reader cringe, a character usually is proud of his own name (we all are) so much that we can be offended sometimes if someone say our name wrong, unless he have a good reason to not use his name, is better not use at all.
puns, not that is a bad thing for the story to have puns, but try to not name common things with pun names unless the context is acceptable to make puns, it just leads to unnecessary mistakes in future chapters.
abusive past, nothing to comment here, you're doing fine right now.
tags, only use tags if its currently in the story, otherwise people that read the story expecting a character or theme will just leave a down vote on your fic (Gilda is not present in the story, being mentioned doesn't count)

to sum it up, the story started good and the actions aren't too out of character, there are some mistakes but not enough to drive me away, I'll wait until the story is better developed and give my opinion again and see what changed.

8326857
I understand. Most of the words I use in the story are meant for the right situation in the scene that is in play. Gilda will be in the story it's just later, some things in the MLP verse has pun names and only really made it prevelent with the hospital.

The reason you don't know the characters original name is because he wants to forget his past and everything he was, he associates his old name with his week and abused self, the one that took it and did nothing all those years, although he has yet to come to realize it.

In the future I'll make sure to double check my use of the words I choose, Thank you for giving such an in depth analysis of my story so far. I hope I don't disappoint. :raritywink:

You cleaned up this chapter... good job.

8328865
Like I said.... grammarly is amazing

8328868
Good story! chapters title needs fixed though

"Well come on slow poke." She said looking at me and I grudgingly followed as she began to give me as she put it 'The Grand Tour.'

OMG Pinkie... you have no idea.
images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BNzQyNGUzY2UtY2FlOS00OTY1LTg0YjQtNDEwZjk2Mzk3MmM3XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNjI4OTg2Njg@._V1_UX182_CR0,0,182,268_AL_.jpg

I love what you've done with the story so far, and it's very apparent you have greatly improved since the start. Keep up the good work! 😊

Damn, Zecora is so kind and chill... I freakin' love her

Achievement unlocked: Icarus

Take flight for the first time and crash horribly.

Looking forward to the next chapter...

“You are the only griffin who I’ve gotten to see, who is so otherworldly.” She said before I fully blacked out.

Not all know the distinction, but there's a marked distinction between griffins and gryphons. Namely the one being more savage and animalistic 1while members of the latter are more social andd intelligent.

“Why that is Ponyville Feather Beak, where many different ponies you will meet,” Zecora said with a smile. I stopped quickly as my eyes widened.

Hmm... Might work better as "Why, that is Ponyville, Feather Beak. Many ponies live there, some brave and some meek."

“Well, I am the best flier in Equestria. When his wing is all healed I'll teach him a few things.”

Ah, ah, ah, Rainbow. You're the FASTEST flier in Equestria. There's a difference.:ajsmug:

“Right...Ponyville...what could go wrong.” I said before the worst possible thing that could happen did. A pink blur stopped in front of me and with eyes as large as saucers and a smile to match.
“A NEW ARRIVAL!” Pinkie exclaimed.

Well, you asked.:ajsmug:

I give 8:moustache: out of 10:moustache:

8343494
I like the concept of a griffin instead of a pony
More like Humans with their tempers

"Landing is an Art," she said with a smile. I gave her a half lidded expression to which she just giggled.

deadpan works better in this situation

you can do better than that, talking about food (aka.: meat) is the most generic thing to use as a point of discussion in a HiE story...

Good job. Story could be a bit more thought out, instead of just talking about delicious bacon. I like the idea of just him and spike. Like to see what becomes of it. I like the sound of him showing off his fighting skills (i.e. archery).

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