• Member Since 24th Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen Tuesday

Nightmare Darkness


Sequels1

E

A short summery of the day in the life of the changeling queen.


Just did this to have some fun didnt really take to seriously lol

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 14 )

I like this fic so far.

Hi there!
My name is DashieReviews. Judging by my name I review just published stories, just like yours. And I have a few things to point out to you for future stories.

Queen Chrysalis awoke to the the morning sun

Just one of each word is needed beside another. There is chances that you miss- type and don't see. But man, that's the first paragraph.:facehoof:

the suns light to reflect of off of them befor before resting them

Spellcheck. It's an existing thing. :twilightangry2:

Then a knock on her door there was a knock on her door.

No comment. :applejackunsure:

your Your breakfast will be ready soon, . here Here is the mare.

Wow..... :rainbowhuh:

and went to the bathroom and to rinsed rinse out her mouth.

Really, this is getting out of hand. :twilightoops:

she laughed evilly She laughed with an evil tone or an evil cackle was sent across the room.

If your ever wanting on Equestria Daily...... Your gonna have to take it up a notch. :flutterrage:


Wow... I'm only on the fourth paragraph..:twilightangry2:

and she lifted her glasses up and placed them

Your scaring me with lack of grammar. :fluttershyouch:
And PLEASE tell me that you will not do this again! :ajsleepy:

Before she called for her guard to go look for the person pony in question. a knock on the door made her lose concentration. But a knock on the door made her loose concentration.

This is hurting me so much, I'm crying :fluttercry:

"Good morning,Your highness." he said waddling trotting or walkingtowards her.

Look man, it's not like he's a penguin of something :facehoof:

"How was breakfast?" he asked.

As your probably thinking. Where's the error? Well, it didn't state that Chrysalis had her breakfast. That is one other thing you need to keep up. If a character is discussing an event, make sure that the story mentions it before they discuss it. Or if they are asking about a not yet discussed event, make sure it is mentioned later in the story. :twistnerd:

He quieted then sat down quickly then got board then began to rock in his chair staring at the wall and then quickly got bored of it. To escape his boredom, she started to rock on his chair.

I'm definitely not going to be mad at anyone if they dislike this.:trixieshiftleft:

Chrysalis Looked at him again and her horn glowed and lifted the chair up and turned it over making him fall face first into the floor.

If something is like that, I've stated it before. More than once. :twilightangry2:

"Cant Can't be more important than what Celesita does."

Make it stop!! :raritycry:

"Uh oh."

Who actually said that? Confusion HELL!! :raritydespair:

study door as the door exploded open and Boren flew and struck the wall leaving a Boren size dent. Falling to the floor his leg twitched.

I'm just saying but I could contact LittleShyFim and ask if he could do an
EVERYTHING WRONG WITH YOUR FIC :rainbowlaugh:
Look dude, I'm not trying to be mean. :duck:

Nearing lunchtime she took her glasses off and folded the arms and sighing then changed her focus to the window where the dry barren land that was her kingdom.

Someone please rewrite this Fic! :raritycry:

"Do not harm him." she said flashing a stern gaze at them making them looked at one another. Letting go of the colt she watched them escort the colt out.

Do I need to repeat myself? :facehoof:

Chrysalis Walked along the stone path admiring dark trees and flowers taken from everfree forest. her royal gardeners had a tough time keeping order but that was how she liked it ruff and unkempt. After her small walk Chrysalis retired to her library where she began to read books on literature and history. Hours passed by and she was full from the lunch she had so she declined dinner and retired for the evening. Going to the bathroom she watched herself bush her teeth and then watched as the moon rose up high. she rinsed and then walked over to her bed and snuggled in closing her eyes drifting off to sleep with thoughts of Equestria domination.

IT WAS THE LAST PARAGRAPH BRO! :twilightangry2:

Ok, rating time.
Grammar- 4.5
Paragraphs- 3
Story- 5

I'm sorry dude. If you want better views. Be more interesting.

Tips for next Fic.

1. Get a Proofreader and Editor!
2. Don't get on my nerves. ( Make a better story )
3. Longer stuffs man!!

Overall, this is a complete buck off for me.


Until next time..........we will meet again:trixieshiftleft:

4297832 Did you even read it?:twilightoops:

4298734 Yes. And I don't like saying nasty things online so when I comment on a story I tend to say something nice.

4298397 There's a right way and a wrong way to criticize, and you dun goofed. It started out well; I really like the organized way you presented your review, but the last three segments you quoted did not include constructive criticism-- you just whined and put the author down. Those three I'm talking about are not even errors at all; they are a different writing style from the one you were taught. Your way of writing is not the only correct way. All they really need is a few commas, but you failed to say that, nor did you offer any other sort of correction. You're right about the earlier sections where you pointed out the capitalization, missing word, and spelling errors, except where you used the word "loose" instead of "lose", but I assume that's a typo.

Ah, a very nice story!
Congratulations!

Not bad, I don't know were you are going with this but you seem to be developing a head canon. My advice is to read your work out loud it should stop most mistypes and structure errors. Also for a one shot you should have something happen in your third act, even is slice of life of the sake of it fic. Don't let that other reviewer get you down many of his points were style points not errors.

4304368
Thanks i was thinking of maybe expanding the afternoon. but it was just for shits and giggles. but i have to ask how do you reply to people with their names and not with numbers :twilightblush:

Not a bad start, but there are some punctuation needs here and there.

She never puts anything I her mouth, yet brushes her teeth twice. Bug* or feature? You decide!

*Well obviously there is a Bug involved... but not necessarily an error.

What was the point again?

9291504
The point of what? The relocation?

9292849
I think i couldn't find access to the story... wasn't doing anything for me.

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