Queen of the changlings
Queen Chrysalis awoke to the morning sun just another reminder of the ruler of Equestria. Rolling out of bed, she stretched her wings and fluttered them allowing the sunlight to reflect off them before resting them on her back. Looking to the mirror, she began to brush her hair. Satisfied with her brush job she walked to her bathroom and began to brush her teeth. Then there was a knock on her door..
"You Highness?" came a deep voice from the other side of the door.
"Imf Bufey" she tried to say. The knock came louder the next time.
"My queen are you alright?" The voice asked concerned. She walked to the door and opened it glaring at the changeling with her toothbrush still in her mouth.
"Oh, umm your highness. Your breakfast will be ready soon; Here is a mare." He said, and a yellow coated mare looked up at her with tears in her eyes. Chrysalis tried to smile, but the toothbrush made it difficult. She sagged her head and went to the bathroom to rinsed out her mouth as the guards awkwardly stood there with the frightened pony. Chrysalis walked out of the door and paused.
"Muahahaha." She laughed with an evil tone as she began to take the mare's form. The frightened mare looked at her confused.
"OK, now take her away." She ordered now looking like the frightened mare. Her guard surrounded her as she walked into the dining room where a brown speckled stallion was being held at spear point at the table. Chrysalis began her act to look terrified.
"Marigold!" The stallion remarked. When she approached him he embraced her as his feelings of worry and relief for his love was unharmed. She drank it in filling up on the love born from fear. She looked to her guard and nodded that she had finished, and they pried them apart, dragged him away kicking and yelling. Closing the door, she transformed back into her normal form and stretched again then burped covering her muzzle.
"Excuse me." She said more to herself before leaving the dining room to go to her study.
Stepping into her study, she sat at her desk and lifted her glasses up and placed them on beginning to go through the papers of crimes and problems of shortage for sustenance for her subjects. She began to look at royal requests and decisions that had to be made. She was about to start but looked around and didn't see who she was looking for. Before she called for her guard to go look for the pony in question. But a knock on the door made her lose concentration. Her helper walked in a short black scaled dragon who's eyes showed the enthusiasm of a dead cat.
"Good morning Your highness." he said walking towards her.
"Now you show up. I need to to send these now." she glowered she hated being kept waiting. The small dragon picked up three of the scrolls and let out a jet of blue flame sending the scrolls on their way.
"How was breakfast?" he asked.
"Good enough." She said signing a scroll handing it to him.
"Not as good as Shining Armors huh." he said smiling smugly then blew a jet of blue flame. She looked at the dragon angrily. He quieted then sat down staring at the wall then quickly then got board of it. To escape his crushing boredom, he began to rock in his chair making a high pitch squeaking noise. Chrysalis stopped again and looked at him. He stopped. Going back to her work Chrysalis was reading a document to whether they should began to expand their range in search of food. The dragon looked at her and leaned back slowly and the chair squeaked slowly. Chrysalis Looked at him again, and her horn glowed and lifted the chair up and turned it over making him fall face first into the floor.
"I cannot concentrate if your making annoying sounds!" she said angrily. The small dragon sat up eyes spinning and shook his head refocusing.
"Well soooorry." He said sarcastically.
"Boren can you just sit there and not distract me, I have important matters to deal with." She said returning to her papers again.
"Can't be more important than what Celesita does." He said standing up turning around to her coming nose to nose with the angry glowing eyes of Chrysalis.
"Uh oh." Borden's face fell as he had realized he had just pushed his luck too far.
The changeling guard stood outside the study door as the door exploded open, and Boren flew and struck the wall leaving a Boren size dent. Falling to the floor his leg twitched.
"You should not press your luck like that." The guard said looking to Boren whose eyes were crossed smiling stupidly.
Nearing lunchtime she took her glasses off and folding the arms in sighing then changed her focus to the window where the dry, barren land that her kingdom called home. Her thoughts were of how she was to provide for her people. Standing up as a changeling guard knocked and bowed to her.
"Lunch is ready." He said respectfully.
"Very good." Her horn glowed as she transformed into Marigold the yellow mare following the guard she walked to the dining room again and met the rest of her guard there who escorted her in. This time it was a younger colt who looked to her with endearing eyes brimming with tears.
"Mom!" he cried out. Chrysalis ran to him and embraced him close as a loving mother would have done, and the love from this colt was exquisite, young, fresh and very strong. She smiled down at the young colt. Putting a hoof under the colts chin making him look up to her.
"Everything will be alright. Trust me." She said softly then looked to the guards.
"Do not harm him." She said flashing a stern gaze at them making them looked at one another. Letting go of the colt she watched them escort the colt out.
Changing back to her original form, she walked out of the room heading towards the gardens.
Chrysalis Walked along the stone path admiring dark trees and flowers taken from everfree forest. Her royal gardeners had a tough time keeping order, but that was how she liked it rough and unkempt.
After her small walk Chrysalis, retired to her library where she began to read books on literature and history. Hours passed by, and she was full, the lunch she had so she declined dinner and retired for the evening. Going to the bathroom, she watched herself bush her teeth and then watched as the moon rose up high. She rinsed and then walked over to her bed and snuggled in closing her eyes drifting off to sleep with thoughts of Equestria domination.
.
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I like this fic so far.
Hi there!
My name is DashieReviews. Judging by my name I review just published stories, just like yours. And I have a few things to point out to you for future stories.
Just one of each word is needed beside another. There is chances that you miss- type and don't see. But man, that's the first paragraph.
Spellcheck. It's an existing thing.
No comment.
Wow.....
Really, this is getting out of hand.
If your ever wanting on Equestria Daily...... Your gonna have to take it up a notch.
Wow... I'm only on the fourth paragraph..
Your scaring me with lack of grammar.
And PLEASE tell me that you will not do this again!
This is hurting me so much, I'm crying
Look man, it's not like he's a penguin of something
As your probably thinking. Where's the error? Well, it didn't state that Chrysalis had her breakfast. That is one other thing you need to keep up. If a character is discussing an event, make sure that the story mentions it before they discuss it. Or if they are asking about a not yet discussed event, make sure it is mentioned later in the story.
I'm definitely not going to be mad at anyone if they dislike this.
If something is like that, I've stated it before. More than once.
Make it stop!!
Who actually said that? Confusion HELL!!
I'm just saying but I could contact LittleShyFim and ask if he could do an
EVERYTHING WRONG WITH YOUR FIC
Look dude, I'm not trying to be mean.
Someone please rewrite this Fic!
Do I need to repeat myself?
IT WAS THE LAST PARAGRAPH BRO!
Ok, rating time.
Grammar- 4.5
Paragraphs- 3
Story- 5
I'm sorry dude. If you want better views. Be more interesting.
Tips for next Fic.
1. Get a Proofreader and Editor!
2. Don't get on my nerves. ( Make a better story )
3. Longer stuffs man!!
Overall, this is a complete buck off for me.
Until next time..........we will meet again
4297832 Did you even read it?
4298734 Yes. And I don't like saying nasty things online so when I comment on a story I tend to say something nice.
4298397 There's a right way and a wrong way to criticize, and you dun goofed. It started out well; I really like the organized way you presented your review, but the last three segments you quoted did not include constructive criticism-- you just whined and put the author down. Those three I'm talking about are not even errors at all; they are a different writing style from the one you were taught. Your way of writing is not the only correct way. All they really need is a few commas, but you failed to say that, nor did you offer any other sort of correction. You're right about the earlier sections where you pointed out the capitalization, missing word, and spelling errors, except where you used the word "loose" instead of "lose", but I assume that's a typo.
Ah, a very nice story!
Congratulations!
>>Death Moon Thank you
Not bad, I don't know were you are going with this but you seem to be developing a head canon. My advice is to read your work out loud it should stop most mistypes and structure errors. Also for a one shot you should have something happen in your third act, even is slice of life of the sake of it fic. Don't let that other reviewer get you down many of his points were style points not errors.
4304368
Thanks i was thinking of maybe expanding the afternoon. but it was just for shits and giggles. but i have to ask how do you reply to people with their names and not with numbers
Not a bad start, but there are some punctuation needs here and there.
She never puts anything I her mouth, yet brushes her teeth twice. Bug* or feature? You decide!
*Well obviously there is a Bug involved... but not necessarily an error.
What was the point again?
9291504
The point of what? The relocation?
9292849
I think i couldn't find access to the story... wasn't doing anything for me.