• Member Since 24th Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen Last Tuesday

Nightmare Darkness


T

Death. When one is faced with the idea of it, it both terrifies and allures us. But in the case of one Grape Vine a corrupted lawyer who meets her end she meets death and has been chosen for some reason to take up the mantle of the grim reaper. See through the eyes and feelings of her as she deals with both her new job and what its means to be death.

Chapters (16)
Comments ( 149 )

It's good, a good idea. I think this can be done very well, if done correctly. And, I think this would become popular if done so.
So far, looks good.
But.
You need.
To edit.
:raritywink:

4716693 thanks and it would be nice to have an editor lol

This has potential, I shall be watching closely. Have you perhaps heard of the show "Dead Like Me"? this kind of reminds me of it. Keep up the good work.

Interesting premise, I'll read the rest and see what I think.

I would watch your grammar though, there's a great deal of missing punctuation and the 'pulls back its hood' bit at the start seems a little awkward, like something's missing. Perhaps you should have but, 'the black cloaked figure pulled back its hood'. If this prologue was longer I'd also have suggested putting a break between the speech and the description of her death. Perhaps a line or centred asterisks like this:

******

Yes, I quite liked this. Chapters are short and it really does need an editor, but it could turn into a great story.

If you want an editor for it, I'd be happy to lend a hand. I could probably get these first few chapters fixed up in an hour or two.

4721152 I'm always looking for someone to help improve my stories so sure. :3

Mini Featured!

Bursted?
I believe the word you were loking for is 'burst'.

"Grape Vine is or was a pony like everypony else but until one day fate decreed that she to die and take up the mantle of the grim pony."
Grape Vine is or was a pony like everypony else until one day fate decreed that she had to die and take up the mantle of the grim pony.

Looks neat, but you've got to correct the intro.:applejackunsure:

You're not correctly using 'it's' or its' right. They're two different words that have different meanings. 'It's' means 'it is'. While 'its' is possesive. Example for 'it's': It's my toy! Example for 'its': Its toy fell from its grasp. Also remember to use commas, and you use the word 'well' a lot. It's a good story though, minus the grammatical issues.

IMN

I adore stories about grim reapers. And this one seems extremely interesting you earned a fav. :yay:

4716720 plenty of people are willing to edit, you should ask around.

WOW! :pinkiegasp: This story is Amazing!!!!!
I can't wait to read more :pinkiehappy:

I imagine that the beginning of this story will go something like:
"Welcome to the afterlife, you're not going to stay here, because you are going to be the new grim reaper!"
"What?":rainbowderp:

Ugh. The idea here might be interesting enough, but the writing is just too bad for me to take. Maybe I'll come back if you get an editor and get this thing cleaned up.

I like this series it is interesting you sir get 9 out of 10 rainbow dash licks :rainbowwild::rainbowwild::rainbowwild::rainbowwild::rainbowwild::rainbowwild::rainbowwild::rainbowwild::rainbowwild: use them wisely mortal

I really like this story. This chapter is pretty well written, but I noticed you spelled tortured, "torchered" in several places. All in all, it's still a good chapter.

4758528 lol thank you for liking it and well I only had it in two places thank you for pointing them out. :yay:

4758551

Oops my mistake, I must have only noticed the two and thought that the rest were misspelled. Sorry about that.

Another enjoyable chapter! I would just like to point out a consistent grammatical mistake you make that's still present in the unedited part of the chapter near the end - full stops instead of commas in speech.

When you end speech, unless it's at the end of a sentence or you're using an exclamation point or question mark, etc, you need to end it with a comma, so for example:

“You look like you could use some rest.” I blurted out
“You look like you could use some rest,” I blurted out

Apart from that, and a few small spelling mistakes, the rest of the chapter is fine!

Sorry it took so long but here's the next chapter. I hope you all can also maybe give me ideas I can incorporate into the stories heck maybe even peoples OC's haha

Hmmm I wonder how my OC would die.

I guess he doesn't since he's part phoenix shit. Maybe he has to kill himself in order to talk to Grape Vine XD.

It would be like a laggy skype call.

“Oh you better hope you find them or else You will be a member of those tourchered souls!”

It's spelled 'tortured'.

Sure one would assume that the inside of the castle of Lucifer would have skeletons of ponies, rotting corpses, and ponies being tourchered.

Again, it's spelled 'tortured'.

“Oh you better hope you find them or else You will be a member of those tourchered souls!”

Why is the 'Y' in "You" capitalized?

“Sir its Fire, here with Death.”

This "its" should be 'it's'. Not with the ' marks on both sides though. Just between the it and s.

his smile seemed forced but i felt my heart leap into my throat.

Capitalize the "i".

But i have a favor to ask while you're on the job.

Capitalize the "i".

there has been a slight disturbance here in Hades souls have been disappearing and i am worried about the effect it may have.

Capitalize the "t" in "there" and capitalize the "i" before "am worried".

i think Celestia also wishes to speak with you about the same thing.

Capitalize the "i".

Putting my key into the door i opened it and found myself walking into a dark lit town were bug like creatures laid about tired and famished.

Capitalize the "i". There are still some more in the beginning, so I'll make another comment on those, but if you have an editor currently I suggest getting a new one. If you don't have one, I suggest getting one. But overall the chapter was good and I can't wait to see where the story goes.

Walking into the castle i was shown somthing i did not expect.

Capitalize the "i".

“Sorry you had to hear that...im having some trouble around here.”

The "im" should be 'I'm'. The 'i' is capitalized and there is a ' between the 'i' and 'm'.

Ok i was now alone with an amazingly attractive owner of Hades.

Capitalize the "i". I think that should be all the errors, but you may want to go back and check.

If you're looking for ideas what about one of the cases Grapevine brought up, maybe one of the innocents she put away is on the brink of death due to Grapevine's actions?

The grammar is... quite in need of work. I advise getting a pre-reader/editor or three to take a look at this, and the next chapters. I... can't keep reading as is, sorry. It's just too distracting.

4766198 sorry it seems to distracting but I'll get on that then. But then again I hoped you enjoyed the story behind it.

I have a very intricate idea for an OC of mine. Her name is Technia, and she is obsessed with technology. If possible, I'd like to see her in a fight against Vine. Good soul, but a bit nuts. I can provide more info via PM.

4768326 interesting please pm me at your leisure.

I'm wondering why she didn't bother to mention the weird smoke with glowing red eyes that talked to her.

4772439 haha well we will see wont we, sure she didn't tell them about the smoke but it seemed like it was something she will deal with by herself considering her rol in dealing with demons and angels. so its really not for celestia or luna to know. unless it gets worse...:trixieshiftright:

I am intrigued by your story nightmare, i will follow it, keep up the good work

I...I can't really agree with Celly being that damn hard on the Changelings, and I'm the biggest proporter of the idea that the whole canterlot invasion was staged to fuck them over...I mean, strait up, "They don't deserve rest?"
That being said, I'm interested, and I got a few OC's I'd love to see in the background, or, hope against hope, dying. XD

4772630 lol ok thank you and please pm me about them haha :3

Damn shit will be getting interesting soon I hope. I am waiting for him to meet a angel pony

Do you think we'll be seeing any near death experiences?

4772630
It wasn't Celestia who was so callous, but Luna.

Anyhow, it's a great story... You're doing good with it, and I hope it'll stay strong.

"Play me the new song you and the band are going to play at the gala." He asked
"But Grandpa..." She began to protest. He furrowed his brow and took on a more mentorship tone.
"I may be old but I am still all of your teacher." His stirn music teacher persona softened as he looked at them all. He lifted his hoof and beckoned them closer as he hugged Octavia.
"Consider it a last request." He said as Octavia tears began to wet his neck.
Parish, Beauty, and Fredrick got all of their instruments to back up Octavia. ilty in his eyes seemed to light up as he looked at me.
"Is it my time?" He asked. I simply nodded feeling there was no use for words.
"Can I have one last request?" He wondered asking more to himself. I wondered but I decided I am death so why not. I shrugged and he chuckled following by a coughing fit. Octavia rushed in to her grandfather's side. He looked to her and smiled she smiled back.

Repeated paragraph

The premise is really interesting, but I have to agree that the grammar needs work.

Oh?

No one noticed the "life" in the title is in need of being capitalized? "Life"?

How unfortunate.

~Skeeter The Lurker

So far, I am loving the idea, but a good edit will do wonders for this story.

Sounds like someone's been reading Mort. To the read later list with you.

Just like everyone else has said, the grammar needs work, but I would like to give you some additional feedback on this chapter. You are making this character a little too sympathetic for her first reap, especially given her career in life. How was she able to do her job in life without getting emotional? Perhaps trying to approach her first reap like she would putting an innocent in jail would be a good approach, only to notice the error of her was by seeing the child's fear. She does it anyway, just like her job when she was alive.

It sounds cruel, but let me explain. She is traumatized, and decides she doesn't want to do this anymore. The world is suddenly thrown into chaos, and Apple Scroll shows her through a portal what kind of suffering not dying causes. They fight, and Vine flees, running into the child she took playing with her grandmother. She and grandma tell her that while hard, dying was a good thing. Vine writes that note, leaves it for the parents for when they pick up the child's belongings, let the story progress.

While the grammar still needs work, there are signs of improvement.

I like where this going keep it up man


~Sly-Moon~

Also, using *THIS* kind of formatting for emphasis is a bit juvenile, relying on making the point with a visual gimmick instead of description. At the very least, make use of bold instead of asterisks.

Grape Vine....if we fail...equestria no. The world will be thrown into chaos.

The period after no should be a comma I think.
Can't wait for the next chapter. :pinkiehappy:

Ah, how I love a good story of ole Grimmy. Will be sure to read :).

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