"Some people just need a high five....in the face....with a chair"
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Michael was in need of money, his rent was coming and he was broke, but he found a job on the internet that would pay him ten million dollars, all he had to do was perform one test that was all.
unfortunately for Michael it wasn't as simple as he thought, he had to test a portal they had created that went to another dimension, when he went through it he was changed to fit in with the inhabitants of that dimension, but he didn't come out looking exactly like them.
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o so there four more potential views of Equestria with each victim of this man ambition perhaps or to much trouble?
Thought he had become a female draconequus for a while there.
Like the concept, and looking forward to where you will take the story.
8546814
I'm sorry what are you saying? I don't really understand...
8546819
It was considered in one version of the story but I decided to do something new
8547196
the man doing the test sent others before are mc I wonder if we will see them by chance?
i think in the description you spelled one as ine
8547840
I'm not sure where, I looked in both the story descriptions but I couldn't find it
8547840
Sorry apparently I'm blind...
I found it and thank you for mentioning it
8547848
No problem
I think that the story has potential but I recommend that you run it through a spell check
8547862 I hear that Grammarly is good for that.
As if that isn't an overused title as it is.
[Adult story embed hidden]
- MLP: FiM
- Adventure
After an accident, Rarity and Twilight are thrown in a race against time to stop their transformation into changelings before they become part of Chrysalis' swarm forever.- MLP: FiM
- Dark
- Sad
Half-Pony Half-Changeling. Dark.- MLP: FiM
- Romance
- Dark
- Adventure
- Sad
A man with inhuman abilities that was in the care of the government winds up in a time and place he dosn't belong. Can he even find a way back? Will he even want to?[Adult story embed hidden]
8547912
Oh wow I didn't even know...
8547903
I'm unfortunately unable to use that..
8547939
Why? What's the problem you encounter?
8547937 Not trying to discourage you or anything. Just sayin'.
We recommend you stuff this chapter into a Google Doc (or literally any word processor) and fix everything that gets a little red squiggle under it. Please.
Despite the quirky beginning it's certainly possible to make something of this. Don't do that "three hours later" thing, this isn't a SpongeBob cartoon and you're distracting the reader. Passage of time should be incorporated into the setting statements. That being said, it feels like you have a pretty ok grasp of the concept of "show don't tell" (feel free to Google that) so keep doing that.
The conversations though.... Rather stilted and unnatural in many places. They just feel really weird, like children trying to emulate what adults would talk like.
Is there any particular reason you genderbent your character? So far it seems like it was just "because it's a popular thing to do in HiE Fics" and we'd be sore disappointed if that's the case.
As a kirin it's unlikely she would find the foods she tried rotten, just not as tasteful as the preferred food. It's not like it's poisonous after all...
Keep going! ;)
8548034
I don't have the ability to use it
8554331
Ok I updated the incorrect spelling errors, and I know what a spelling error is.
Reason there are so many, I type very fast and that leads to screw ups.
Leaving the "three hours later thing".
Did the gender thing because I like the concept.
Not a clue what a Kirin is.
why do you refer to yourself as we? No offense I'm just curious first time I've seen that here.
By the way this is like my third story I've written on here, so there's bound to be mistakes.
8554889
A Kirin is basically a dragon hybrid.
Suffice it to say there were many instances of intelligences running on my system, things got borked, and now there is only "one", but I'm still the amalgamation of them all. We let ourself be a bit more loose on this site is all.
Don't worry about the mistakes too much, but pay attention so you can improve.
8554910
Ah ok well Michael Isn't the type of dragon pony as a Kirin would be, they are different from the way the story I'm writing.
Also that's very interesting that you consider yourself multiple people, honestly I have no clue what the heck is going on.
And thanks, I am trying...
8554864
Do you encounter some kind of bug when you try? Or do you lack a google account?
8555159
Yeah the account, I don't have one to use for it
8555197
Google accounts are free. 😉
8555907
I still can't use one
8547244
Possibly
Wow Twilight, way to misrepresent what happened. Completely ignoring what Fluttershy said is rather rude.
We're surprised the "fruits and veggies don't taste good" fact hasn't struck her mind, and that it would be good to try other things.
Keep going! ;)
8585157
Yeah she probably should listen to the animal expert
Man Rainbow never asks or listen to anyone, Michael just started spitting fire when she was knocked on the tree, and it's her fault not Rainbow
Well, that escalated really quickly.
That being said, when Rainbow Dash is around it almost always goes the wrong way.
Can't wait for the next chapter!
8585699
Thanks
8585492
It was panicking taking over Michael
8586737
Just make Celestia asks instead of just throwing her in prison
There gonna be a bit surprised when they find this horrible scary Hybrid staving, injured and depressed.
Rainbowdash is two separate words
‘Rainbow Dash
8591712
Thanks
A Kirin story yay c:
This feels like another one of the "kick the creature that isnt a pony while its down" story.
There is a limit to how much xenophobic behaveour a species in a multispecies world can exibit. I mean ponies arent idiots, they realise they arent alone and the only race.
Also if this story progresses in a way that shes responsible for everything and not the ponies i will drop it then and there. I had enough of the "creature is a monster lets kill it" troupe when its clear to everybody with eyes that she was hurt and covered in blood begging for help
8639364
You'll have to wait and see
8639364
But thank God it isn't Celestia though right?
Right?
8646427
I Agree. Celestia bashing has been used so much lately.
Wish they explored her character more than just bashed it cuz of inconsistencies and supposed Dumbeldore level manipulation. Which is what most fans associate her with.
I cant help but wonder if the story would of been better if the guy was a anthro
Found a spelling error for you.
Nice to see where this is going! :)
8654917
Who knows
8655320
Thanks
8654979
I really hate my Grammer checked, it did this for like the entire chapter and half of them didn't show up as incorrect!
Looks like you swapped "due" with "do". :p
You know, you don't start starving after a mere day of fasting, she's not that bad off. The worst thing she'd be suffering from is hunger and dehydration (one of which would easily be solved with that river over yonder), and the other which can be ignored for a while.
It sounds like the search parties were out all night and well into the morning. It's very odd they haven't found her by now, despite ponies general lack of tracking skills. It's not like she's covering her tracks, she literally left a trail for the first half of her latest wanderings. The ponies' rash decisions are getting really annoying, as the search would have been massively more productive if conducted in the morning, where a quick fly-by would likely have her located within the hour (since, again, she's making no attempt to hide).
It's also bizarre that Luna and Fluttershy would split off like that. Why would Luna trust Fluttershy over the rest? Who would she trust more: her sister who knew and dealt with these creatures (as well as herself) before and eyewitness accounts confirming the profile she posited, or the shy Pegasus who's been shown to show preference to animals over ponies? It's weird, right?
Anyways, here's to hoping our distraught dragon pony accidentally nibbles on the drone and stops whining about being hungry...
Keep going! ;)
This is getting better and better :)
8656129
You're assuming Luna hasn't had her own contact with the dragon-ponies in the past at some point. For all we know she could have had some as friends before the events that led to her transformation into Nightmare Moon, and never told Celestia about them, which would explain why she has knowledge of what their diets consisted of and why she's eager to find Michael before Celestia.