This is Mason, your average 10 year old kid, living in a good town with a good school, awesome friends, and overall just a good life. But when his parents are taken in a car crash, that he miraculously survived, he now lives in a orphanage.
One day Mason wishes for a little more in life. Well Mason gets his wish....in the form of a colt....surrounded by technicolored ponies....yeah not what he was going for. Well on the bright side, he's a pegasus with awesome fire and lightning powers so what could go wrong?
NOTICE: For future chapters there will be additional tags. Tags are Dark. That's it you can go home now.
[Major Re-Edit]: This story had a major re-edit starting 10/3/17 to 10/19/17
Chapters (19)
Shadow: You have earned my attention. I really like stories with beings that can control the elements, especially fire and lightning. And your oc, man, he sounds totally awesome! It's nice to see a good oc every time I read a new story. You deserve more than a thumbs up, your story is really well done. Looking forward to new chapters, and it would be nice if later on you added a rival with powers similar to his. Stay awesome!
Edit: Would you look at this. First to comment!
Ok..let me tell ya what I think.....bad? No it isnt. Great.....honestly....not even close....some grammer mistakes....and a little vague....
Ok better than chapter one but...... "like a to much of a cheerful person" really? Id offer to help but....my story is probably more of a train-wreak than this overall.....and I actually HAVE an editor.
Hope to see more of this though! It is really interesting!! Bye
7752281 thanks for the comment on my story and oc, really appreciate it ~have a pie!
7752931
: Did Somepony say Pie?!
7753580 yes take all the pies *starts throwing pies*
hehehe have them all
7753612 IT'S RAINING PIES!
On a serious note, I can't wait until the next chapter!
Aaaand right there you jinxed it.
I think your prologue would need to be looked over again as it is way too rushed, and a lot of the sentences could could be broken into smaller ones and maybe add more punctuation. I felt that you spent to much time describing the boys interests. I feel that the lost of his parents feels a little cliché in the way it was presented, as it doesn't feel that there was much of an impact to him despite the short time laps, and it doesn't help that it doesn't show how he learned to moved on from the lost. there is also the issue that the chapter was more about the exposition of the character and doesn't really show what happened the day before he arrived to Equestria, unless he that was your intention,
The first chapter is a massive improvement in the quality of the writing, the reading is still too rushed, as in I feel like the story is going a hundred miles and hour the whole time, but it is partly offset with the descent amount description that you provided. the boys powers so soon after arriving in Equestia gives it a worrying symptom of a Gary Stew, but could be fixed with a few tweaks her and there, maybe show that he doesn't have much control over his powers or it doesn't respond in a way that he wants. I hope there will be a bigger plot behind the story.
I hope to see more of your story soon, it does have interesting elements to it.
7754764 thanks for the pointers, I'll be sure to check over the prologue and give it a few tweaks and as for the kids powers, I'm going for the type of story where the character uses his powers out of instinct but when he tries to use them again he doesn't have any control. Overall thanks
I want to rage at the story, on account of how cliche' it is... but:
A: I haven't read it,
B: it's you're first story,
C: i think every writer has gone through the "HiE fic" stage,
D: I'm no exception... only mine was most certainly worse.
SELF DEPRECATION FOR THE WIN!!!
its disgusting its horrible .... I LOVE IT
Well this definitely an other massive improvement again over chapter one, congratulation on that. The pacing is still intense, but that is just enough to keep things on edge and interesting, so no real complain there, and seems to fall in line with the kids hyperactive personalty. You have a tendency to say the same words often like foal which sometime makes it annoying, you can use other words like youngster, youth, infant, minor, and such. I like that you try to inject as much humor as possible into your story, or at least the distractions, it goes very well. Ironically, the kid is actually an orphan and he is going to be sent to one again, so he is stuck in the same situation I am surprised that he didn't explain the ponies any of it. Still I like your approach to the story so far I hope you will keep up the good work.
Why did you draw the picture on notebook paper?
7761231 thanks very much, and yeah I tend to repeat things a lot but I'll look out for it in the next chapter
7761259 because when you don't have a way to make it digital, ya just gotta improvise
Shadow:I am really liking where this is going. Aside from some errors here and there, it was a nice chapter.
Classic.
Le gasps.
He is protecting himself with a weapon that only professionals use!
Oh no!
THE IROOONNYYY!!!
Fear the force!
You keep telling yourself that.
Needles are evil.
He didn't felt a thing.
FAILED IT
Good bye, physics...
And good bye, fourth wall...
...Why do I not believe her?
You asked for it.
I know words bigger than that.
Warning. Entering Egghead Mode in 3, 2, 1...
"EGGHEAD MODE ACTIVATED"
Very nice chapter, keep up the good work!
reminds me of.... (4:00 to about 4:25)
"I do not know him, señor."
Like if you get that reference.
7761262 by the way do you know that foal is the gender neutral term of newborn ponies, and that filly is girl while colt for boy. For adults ponies/horses, it's mare for woman and stallion for men. hope this helps you a little.
well at least the human part is small, since it probably won't matter much later anyway.
I guess that should be a comedy moment huh? I'm not an expert, but it looks a bit forced?!
Just nothing special for me, nothing more.
Maybe since he probably didn't even had a special talent as a Human, he shouldn't have a cutiemark and rather earn it, then you could even make another party chapter.
Otherwise this maybe looks like he already has some sort of destiny, and I admit I'm not a fan on someone from Equestria forcing the hero to go on an andventure. I prefer it if they do it because they want to.
maybe you could have one of the animals destroying the phone instead.
I know it's common to change the POV sometimes, but I don't know how I feel about it so far, I guess it wasn't needed.
I promise to judge his personality later after he get's used to the situation, but I hope as far as he can make own decisions, that he is going to have his own standpoint and isn't just active to what the other foals are telling him.
I think you should mostly focuse on the POV of the one that is adopting him later and otherwise other persons that are more important to him, like a possible filly that is interessted in him ? please consider a romance. Maybe with a character that isn't taken often like Twist?
I'm in the mood for a slightly sad background, since kids like her are getting teased often enough.
Not bad, it is starting to get better for me.
7759660
you make it sound like it would be the worst thing ever.
It still can be done pretty good "Human in Equestria" i mean. (I think that was, what HiE meant right)
If Pinkie would have been his new mother, and he wouldn't have any powers, I would have asked for him to learn slowly how to do it himself.
I know it is kind of the same with Pinkies ability, but this time I didn't liked it the way he did it.
then maybe he shouldn't have been able to control the trick with the handy already.
Nice, but I'm somehow in a bad mood today, so don't think to much about it should I sound mean or something.
7767188 I like your idea on the cutie mark part, so I will maybe think on that for a bit.
The phone however, it was my intention to keep it because I have plans for him to use it in future chapters
7767193
oh... I came across as rude again... didn't I?
7767193
(also, yes there are some pretty good HiE fics out there, and yes that's what HiE stands for.)
Could use some more detail but great otherwise
*Gets through to the end and see's the cliffhanger*
7790525 pngall.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Trollface.png
Lol
7790566 I Already get enough cliffhangers to last two lifetimes while reading Tatsurou's stories; I don't need anymore from you
7790575 Sith Cliffhanger: yes, do it, do it
Me: no I must follow the ways of the force and be good to my readers
Sith Cliffhanger: do it, do it
Me: noooooo!
1. Toughie.
2. Chocolate suicide. I imagine that these ponies would be able to stomach it much better than a human. (for reference, it's a chocolate cake with chocolate icing, chocolate ganache in the layers, chocolate bars in the layers, chocolate sprinkles and, oh yeah, IT'S A FREAKIN' FOOT TALL!)
3. Caramel Chocolate Chunk.
4. My personal faves among such games are Settlers of Catan, Mexican Train, and Apples to Apples. With Rumoli as an Honourable Mention.
7768369 meeehh I was probably in a bad mood too. I can take stuff a bit to serious if I'm sleepy or something.
a better choice of phrasing would be: “Do tell, dear sister, what is the meaning of spitting into our face?”
ooohhh come on............. it is like a ejection seat seat for readers. I know it isn'T real and every stuff you would mention when talking about it, but if I really start to image the situation, a moment like that is the worst that can happen.
I like more the idea of the average man/character, training to become someone awesome, than the person that is gifted with a power and a destiny that he almost can't fail.
I think I would have prefered it, if you would have choosen a way for him to decide, that he wants to go on that kind of adventure. Now it looks like he would either be forced by Celestia to handle the situation, or he is forced to do it because no one else can.
I admit I prefer slice of life instead of the typical super Hero that is already awesome or something similar, but I kind of hoped it wouldn't have been exactly like this.
Not sure what exactly I expect to happen, or how I would react later, but I guess what I'm hoping for is, that he doesn't have to exactly leave ponyville for a while, till he sort of has his own family/life and then maybe only for "missions", or training.
Shadow: Ah, the long chapters. You really seen to know how to entertain us.
Knowledge killed the alicorn princess.
ULTRA COMBO!!!
Ha. Reference that I can't remember. Nice.
Can't wait for the next chapters. Keep up the awesome work!
Ok, the ratings on this story have caught my attention. Now, I have this story in my sights... my analytical sights! You're getting a fair review (once I have time to read it, that is).
I see that you are getting really ambitious with having over three times the amount of words then the last chapter. All does I think you could have broken down the chapter into two or even three parts. I think you are trying to build things you to something, and I guess that the colt will have something special for his destiny of this story, a bit typical but perversely understandable. For what I can see, you are pretty much following the typical Human in Equestria trop by the numbers, not bad as such it was a bit predictable and tedious, but at least it is out of the way now so we can move on to other stuff. I would have wish to have learn more about the orphanage and the foals how live there and how is the relation between him and Scoodaloo will develop. this you are doing a very good effort in trying to write an entertaining story, but I think a the moment the main problem is the limited vocabulary that you use which has a tendency to repeat itself at times. Still, you are making incredible strides in your improvement in such a short time, so keep it up.
The Bold strikes back!
To paraphrase Josh Scorcher...
And here we have a typical, (usually) once-per-episode character quirk moment.
#1. Rainbow Dash says or does something semi dickish or brags
#2. Rarity talks about something pretty.
Huh. She avoided it this time around.
#3. Applejack is reasonable
or gets angry at someone's thick-headedness. 
#4. Twilight mentions books, intelligence, friendship or magic
#5. Flutershy.... well, it's in her name, you can probably guess.
#6. Pinkie mentions parties or food.
Huh. Two for one. Unexpected.
Shadow: I am the... Mustache.
Not sure if it is his first appearance, but to me it feels like it always happens to soon. "random bad guy appears".
I just prefer it if they don't really force the main char into an adventure and give him an own reason to join.
Well....this was not bad, not sure if I really don't have to say anything special to day, because of school today (a bigger test, for my apprenticeship), or if the bad guy in the end kind of interrupted me in my thoughts.
As much as I like adventures, I think I really like the other story tags more.
it was an interesting chapter, you keep improving in your writing. I can't wait to see the the main intrigue is all about. I think now it would be time to study more on the behavior of the different characters of the so so that they can distinguish each other more in there speech and mannerisms as I have sometime trouble recognizing the characters in there actions. The only issue that I have is that I find Discord unnecessary for the story and I think he could have saved him for later in the story, but that is just my opinion on the matter. keep up the good work.
The bold, so much bold. It didn't stop. To much, to much.
You might want to fix that.
Did you had "Bold" Ammunition in the typo gun? The shots are sure effective!
But seriously, this chapter builds more suspense and more tension that gives anticipation and interest,
and I only have one thing in mind...
This satisfying story needs...
MOAR!
I think you forgot the 'alone'
Shadow: A most enjoyable chapter, keep up the good work, and Happy New Year for you!
Nighty: See, Blaze? A lot of other ponies like references too.
Blaze: Hmm, maybe you're right. But I like the fact that he can control fire and lightning just like me! Right, Soldier?
Soldier: Everyone here deserves a medal!
Shadow: Ahhh! What are you all doing here!?
((Comment.EXE has stopped responding. REASON: Too many OCs and a Soldier in one comment.))
This story is great can't wait for more as for this chapter I swear it's so familiar
Found a few mistakes
My eyes widen and my heart shattered
My eyes widen when I heard Pinkie
*widened
theres also a few other mistakes aswell