• Member Since 23rd Aug, 2016
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

ShagPony


A drink sounds nice right about now…

T
Source

This is Mason, your average 10 year old kid, living in a good town with a good school, awesome friends, and overall just a good life. But when his parents are taken in a car crash, that he miraculously survived, he now lives in a orphanage.

One day Mason wishes for a little more in life. Well Mason gets his wish....in the form of a colt....surrounded by technicolored ponies....yeah not what he was going for. Well on the bright side, he's a pegasus with awesome fire and lightning powers so what could go wrong?

NOTICE: For future chapters there will be additional tags. Tags are Dark. That's it you can go home now.

[Major Re-Edit]: This story had a major re-edit starting 10/3/17 to 10/19/17

Chapters (19)
Comments ( 285 )

Shadow: You have earned my attention. I really like stories with beings that can control the elements, especially fire and lightning. And your oc, man, he sounds totally awesome! It's nice to see a good oc every time I read a new story. You deserve more than a thumbs up, your story is really well done. Looking forward to new chapters, and it would be nice if later on you added a rival with powers similar to his. Stay awesome! :rainbowdetermined2:
Edit: Would you look at this. First to comment! :rainbowwild:

Ok..let me tell ya what I think.....bad? No it isnt. Great.....honestly....not even close....some grammer mistakes....and a little vague....

Ok better than chapter one but...... "like a to much of a cheerful person" really? Id offer to help but....my story is probably more of a train-wreak than this overall.....and I actually HAVE an editor.
Hope to see more of this though! It is really interesting!! Bye :pinkiesmile:

7752281 thanks for the comment on my story and oc, really appreciate it ~have a pie!

7753580 yes take all the pies *starts throwing pies*
:pinkiecrazy:hehehe have them all

7753612 IT'S RAINING PIES!

On a serious note, I can't wait until the next chapter!

Well on the bright side, he's a pegasus with awesome fire and lightning powers so what could go wrong?

Aaaand right there you jinxed it. :ajbemused:

I think your prologue would need to be looked over again as it is way too rushed, and a lot of the sentences could could be broken into smaller ones and maybe add more punctuation. I felt that you spent to much time describing the boys interests. I feel that the lost of his parents feels a little cliché in the way it was presented, as it doesn't feel that there was much of an impact to him despite the short time laps, and it doesn't help that it doesn't show how he learned to moved on from the lost. there is also the issue that the chapter was more about the exposition of the character and doesn't really show what happened the day before he arrived to Equestria, unless he that was your intention,

The first chapter is a massive improvement in the quality of the writing, the reading is still too rushed, as in I feel like the story is going a hundred miles and hour the whole time, but it is partly offset with the descent amount description that you provided. the boys powers so soon after arriving in Equestia gives it a worrying symptom of a Gary Stew, but could be fixed with a few tweaks her and there, maybe show that he doesn't have much control over his powers or it doesn't respond in a way that he wants. I hope there will be a bigger plot behind the story.

I hope to see more of your story soon, it does have interesting elements to it.

7754764 thanks for the pointers, I'll be sure to check over the prologue and give it a few tweaks and as for the kids powers, I'm going for the type of story where the character uses his powers out of instinct but when he tries to use them again he doesn't have any control. Overall thanks :pinkiehappy:

I want to rage at the story, on account of how cliche' it is... but:
A: I haven't read it,
B: it's you're first story,
C: i think every writer has gone through the "HiE fic" stage,
D: I'm no exception... only mine was most certainly worse.
SELF DEPRECATION FOR THE WIN!!!

its disgusting its horrible .... I LOVE IT

Well this definitely an other massive improvement again over chapter one, congratulation on that. The pacing is still intense, but that is just enough to keep things on edge and interesting, so no real complain there, and seems to fall in line with the kids hyperactive personalty. You have a tendency to say the same words often like foal which sometime makes it annoying, you can use other words like youngster, youth, infant, minor, and such. I like that you try to inject as much humor as possible into your story, or at least the distractions, it goes very well. Ironically, the kid is actually an orphan and he is going to be sent to one again, so he is stuck in the same situation I am surprised that he didn't explain the ponies any of it. Still I like your approach to the story so far I hope you will keep up the good work.

Why did you draw the picture on notebook paper?

7761231 thanks very much, and yeah I tend to repeat things a lot but I'll look out for it in the next chapter

7761259 because when you don't have a way to make it digital, ya just gotta improvise

Shadow:I am really liking where this is going. Aside from some errors here and there, it was a nice chapter.

We continue our story. In a galaxy far, far, awa- wait, what?

….Oh we're not doing that…. oh, uhm, hold on a second here, letme just... *insert paper noise here* AH! Here we are*ahem*.

Classic.

*GASP*

*DOUBLE GASP*

*TRIPLE GASP*

Le gasps.

“Please calm down, Ijust want to give youa shot,” came Nurse Redheart’s voice.

Twilight looked over to see Nurse Redheart trying to calm down the foal who, at the moment, was wielding a q-tip.

“STAND BACK BEAST, OR I SHALL SMITE THEE!” Said the foal who was swinging his q-tip.

“What in the name of Celestia are you doing?!”

He is protecting himself with a weapon that only professionals use!

Redheart nodded and picked up the shot.The foal now noticing the shot, looked at it with wide eyes, now, let's take a trip through the foals mind shall we.

‘Is that… Oh… Oh no… No, no, no, no, NO! OH MY GOD THIS HORRIBLE!’ The foal looked at the tool of destruction with feared eyes,‘NEEDLE!’

Oh no!

The needle wasn't even that large.

‘AH! THE IRONY!’

Like, it was no longer than three inches.

THE IROOONNYYY!!!

“Please, I just want to give you a shot, I promise it will be over quick,” came Nurse Redheart's voice.“No!” Retaliated the foal, “I will not allow you to use such a contraption on me, now nurse, feel the power of the force….Nnnngh!” The foal was now scrunching up his face and sticking hisfront hoof out trying to use the force.

Fear the force!

“I am not cute, I am devilishly Handsome,”

You keep telling yourself that.

“The problem, is that I don't want the shot because I hate needles, emphasis on hate,”

Needles are evil.

The foal opened his eyes and blinked, “Really? I didn't feel anything,” he said looking at his leg.

“See….” Said Twilight, “You didn't feel a thing.”

He didn't felt a thing.

“Sure.” I then walkedback to the bed and,tried, to get back on it, but was having some difficulties in doing so.

Twilight probably noticed mestruggling because she speak to me, “Hey, need some help there?”

I stopped what I wasdoing and looked to Twilight, “No I got this…. Aaaaaaugh.” Yeah I don't got this.

FAILED IT

“Oh, well I picked you up by your scruff of course, everypony has one, heck, even I do.” To prove her point Pinkie grabbed the scruff of her neck with a hoof and hoisted herself up, like literally, she was hovering over the ground and everything.

I stared at the pink pony with wide eyes and open jaw, “H-h- how… are you doing that?” I asked still shocked by the amount of physics and logic she was breaking.

Good bye, physics...

“Well I would tell ya, but the author of this story wouldn't know how to explainit, so I guess it's a mystery.”

And good bye, fourth wall...

“Are you a horse version of Deadpool?”

Pinkie then stopped smiling and put on a thinking look, “Well I should tell you I'm not a horse, I'm a pony, as for Deadpool, I don't know who that is.”

“You don't know who Deadpool is?”

Pinkie rubbed her chin again, “You mean Deadpool, who defies all logic and physics, breaks the fourth wall, and is a psychotic killer?” I nodded. “Nope, never heard of him.” Finished Pinkie with a big smile.

...Why do I not believe her?

“Can you pinch me?”

“What?” Asked Twilight.

“Pinch me,”I said again, “All ya gotta do is jus- OW!”All the sudden, I waspinched by none other than Pinkie. I rubbed the spot that she pinched me and looked at Pinkie withnarrowed eyes, “The heck was that for?!”

“Because, you needed something to prove this isn't a dream, sooo, what better way than to get something you wouldn't expect,” replied Pinkie with that oh so big smile.

You asked for it.

“Auspicious.”

I know words bigger than that.

“That won't be necessary, when you actually think about it, it does make sense.” Then Twilight smiled… a very large smile… hersmile is so large it probably rivals Pinkie’s.

Warning. Entering Egghead Mode in 3, 2, 1...

“So you're from a different planet?” I nodded. Twilight’s smile brightened. “With a whole ‘nother species and history?” Again I nodded. Twilight’s eyes sparkled. “With,what I've seen from that device, advanced technology?” Again, I nodded. Twilight squealed with excitement while trotting in place.

"EGGHEAD MODE ACTIVATED"

Very nice chapter, keep up the good work!

“Um… what did you do?”

Pinkie giggled, “why silly willy, I put you on the bed.” I looked at Pinkie, “I Know that but what did you do to my neck?” I asked.

“Oh, well I picked you up by your scruff of course, everypony has one, heck, even I do.” To prove her point Pinkie grabbed the scruff of her neck with a hoof and hoisted herself up, like literally, she was hovering over the ground and everything.

I stared at the pink pony with wide eyes and open jaw, “H-h- how… are you doing that?” I asked still shocked by the amount of physics and logic she was breaking.

Pinkie set herself down and rubbed her chin with a hoof, “Well I would tell ya, but the author of this story wouldn't know how to explain it, so I guess it's a mystery.” Finished the pink mare with a large smile.

reminds me of.... (4:00 to about 4:25)

I stared at Pinkie for maybe like an eternity, then my brain started working again, “Are you a horse version of Deadpool?”

Pinkie then stopped smiling and put on a thinking look, “Well I should tell you I'm not a horse, I'm a pony, as for Deadpool, I don't know who that is.”

“You don't know who Deadpool is?”

Pinkie rubbed her chin again, “You mean Deadpool, who defies all logic and physics, breaks the fourth wall, and is a psychotic killer?” I nodded.

“Nope, never heard of him.” Finished Pinkie with a big smile.

"I do not know him, señor."

Like if you get that reference.

7761262 by the way do you know that foal is the gender neutral term of newborn ponies, and that filly is girl while colt for boy. For adults ponies/horses, it's mare for woman and stallion for men. hope this helps you a little.

well at least the human part is small, since it probably won't matter much later anyway.

*15 minutes of freaking out later*

I guess that should be a comedy moment huh? I'm not an expert, but it looks a bit forced?!
Just nothing special for me, nothing more.

. It's a shield but yet it's made of fire and surrounding it is streaks of blue lightning, weird.

Maybe since he probably didn't even had a special talent as a Human, he shouldn't have a cutiemark and rather earn it, then you could even make another party chapter.
Otherwise this maybe looks like he already has some sort of destiny, and I admit I'm not a fan on someone from Equestria forcing the hero to go on an andventure. I prefer it if they do it because they want to.

Then out of no where, a flame engulfs my phone and it disappears.

maybe you could have one of the animals destroying the phone instead.

I know it's common to change the POV sometimes, but I don't know how I feel about it so far, I guess it wasn't needed.


I promise to judge his personality later after he get's used to the situation, but I hope as far as he can make own decisions, that he is going to have his own standpoint and isn't just active to what the other foals are telling him.

I think you should mostly focuse on the POV of the one that is adopting him later and otherwise other persons that are more important to him, like a possible filly that is interessted in him ? please consider a romance. Maybe with a character that isn't taken often like Twist?
I'm in the mood for a slightly sad background, since kids like her are getting teased often enough.

Not bad, it is starting to get better for me.

7759660

C: i think every writer has gone through the "HiE fic" stage,

you make it sound like it would be the worst thing ever.
It still can be done pretty good "Human in Equestria" i mean. (I think that was, what HiE meant right)

If Pinkie would have been his new mother, and he wouldn't have any powers, I would have asked for him to learn slowly how to do it himself.

“Show me wha-” Twilight didn't get to finish, for my hoof caught fire and then my alone appeared. When I opened my eyes I saw Twilight just staring at my phone, it was kinda funny.

I know it is kind of the same with Pinkies ability, but this time I didn't liked it the way he did it.

"I can't, I don't know why but it's not working."

then maybe he shouldn't have been able to control the trick with the handy already.

Nice, but I'm somehow in a bad mood today, so don't think to much about it should I sound mean or something.

7767188 I like your idea on the cutie mark part, so I will maybe think on that for a bit.

The phone however, it was my intention to keep it because I have plans for him to use it in future chapters

7767193
oh... I came across as rude again... didn't I?

7767193
(also, yes there are some pretty good HiE fics out there, and yes that's what HiE stands for.)

Could use some more detail but great otherwise

*Gets through to the end and see's the cliffhanger*

7790566 I Already get enough cliffhangers to last two lifetimes while reading Tatsurou's stories; I don't need anymore from you :twilightangry2:

7790575 Sith Cliffhanger: yes, do it, do it

Me: no I must follow the ways of the force and be good to my readers

Sith Cliffhanger: do it, do it

Me: noooooo!

Pinkie was silent for a few seconds but eventually spoke. “What's your favorite kind of cake?”

“Chocolate”

“Favorite ice cream?”

“Mint Chocolate Chip”

“Favorite games?”

“Uh…. oh that's a toughy.” I scrunched up face and tapped my forehead with a hoof. I then heard Pinkie giggle, probably seeing what she would call a, cute expression, I said it before and I'll say it again, I'm devilishly handsome.

After thinking on the question for a while I got enough ideas for games that I liked. “I don't know if you have these games or if there are different versions but my favorites are, Kings in The Corner, Uno, Monopoly, and Apples to Apples.”

1. Toughie.
2. Chocolate suicide. I imagine that these ponies would be able to stomach it much better than a human. (for reference, it's a chocolate cake with chocolate icing, chocolate ganache in the layers, chocolate bars in the layers, chocolate sprinkles and, oh yeah, IT'S A FREAKIN' FOOT TALL!)
3. Caramel Chocolate Chunk.
4. My personal faves among such games are Settlers of Catan, Mexican Train, and Apples to Apples. With Rumoli as an Honourable Mention.

7768369 meeehh I was probably in a bad mood too. I can take stuff a bit to serious if I'm sleepy or something.

“Do tell dear sister what the meaning is of spitting into thy face.”

a better choice of phrasing would be: “Do tell, dear sister, what is the meaning of spitting into our face?”

‘Agh, I think something happened to my heart.’ came the author's voice

ooohhh come on............. it is like a ejection seat seat for readers. I know it isn'T real and every stuff you would mention when talking about it, but if I really start to image the situation, a moment like that is the worst that can happen.

I like more the idea of the average man/character, training to become someone awesome, than the person that is gifted with a power and a destiny that he almost can't fail.
I think I would have prefered it, if you would have choosen a way for him to decide, that he wants to go on that kind of adventure. Now it looks like he would either be forced by Celestia to handle the situation, or he is forced to do it because no one else can.

I admit I prefer slice of life instead of the typical super Hero that is already awesome or something similar, but I kind of hoped it wouldn't have been exactly like this.

Not sure what exactly I expect to happen, or how I would react later, but I guess what I'm hoping for is, that he doesn't have to exactly leave ponyville for a while, till he sort of has his own family/life and then maybe only for "missions", or training.

Shadow: Ah, the long chapters. You really seen to know how to entertain us.

My eyes widen in horror. ‘Oh god, OH GOD, I freakin killed her with my knowledge, OOH NOO! Ah, the horror, freakin knowledge kills, KNOWLEDGE-

Knowledge killed the alicorn princess.

“Sister, it is just Twilight saying she found a pegasus colt who can perform elemental magic, it's not that big of a deal.” Who'd know that such wording would come right back to deliver a right hook and an uppercut andrain the mighty power of Morgan Freeman upon the moon princess.

ULTRA COMBO!!!

Luna now with wide eyes stared at the letter, teleported her own tea, sipped it and then spat it out.

Ha. Reference that I can't remember. Nice.

Can't wait for the next chapters. Keep up the awesome work!

Ok, the ratings on this story have caught my attention. Now, I have this story in my sights... my analytical sights! You're getting a fair review (once I have time to read it, that is).

I see that you are getting really ambitious with having over three times the amount of words then the last chapter. All does I think you could have broken down the chapter into two or even three parts. I think you are trying to build things you to something, and I guess that the colt will have something special for his destiny of this story, a bit typical but perversely understandable. For what I can see, you are pretty much following the typical Human in Equestria trop by the numbers, not bad as such it was a bit predictable and tedious, but at least it is out of the way now so we can move on to other stuff. I would have wish to have learn more about the orphanage and the foals how live there and how is the relation between him and Scoodaloo will develop. this you are doing a very good effort in trying to write an entertaining story, but I think a the moment the main problem is the limited vocabulary that you use which has a tendency to repeat itself at times. Still, you are making incredible strides in your improvement in such a short time, so keep it up.

“On the subject of Mason, what do you girls think of him?”

To paraphrase Josh Scorcher...
And here we have a typical, (usually) once-per-episode character quirk moment.
#1. Rainbow Dash says or does something semi dickish or brags :rainbowdetermined2:

Dash then came next to Pinkie with a smile on her face. “I like the kid, he's pretty chill and I think he might be built for some speed. I mean his wings are small now but I think if he put some training in and grows up a bit he could become pretty fast. Well, not as fast as me, though.”

#2. Rarity talks about something pretty. :raritystarry:

Rarity then decided to give her thoughts. “I think that he is a real gentlecolt, his parents really knew how to raise him,” Rarity then had grew a somber look, “it's a shame though they had to leave him so soon, I do wonder what happened to them.”

Huh. She avoided it this time around. :derpyderp1:

#3. Applejack is reasonable :ajsmug: or gets angry at someone's thick-headedness. :ajbemused:

Applejack then spoke up. “Well it's not really our business to ask him that, Ah think he'll tell us when he's ready. But on mah thoughts of him, I think he could be a real hard worker, I don't know what he'll be capable of, but I can sense a strong spirit on him and an energetic one too.”

#4. Twilight mentions books, intelligence, friendship or magic

“I agree on that too.” said Twilight. “I think he's really capable of a lot of things, especially since he's very smart for a colt his age.”

#5. Flutershy.... well, it's in her name, you can probably guess. :yay:

It was silent when Dash looked to the other pegasus of the group. “What do you think of him Flutters?”

“Oh….uhm, I think he's a real sweetheart and uhm…. very kind too.” the shy pegasus answered quietly. All the girls nodded at this, then they looked to the pony who had brought up the question.

#6. Pinkie mentions parties or food. :pinkiehappy:

“So what do you think of him Pinkie. You gotta have a very good reason because you and Mason seem very close.” asked Dash.

“Darn tootin', Ah'd say you and him are more close than any sibling Ah know.” Applejack added.

Pinkie was silent for a moment, but then looked to her friends with a smile. “I think Masey is very cute and funny, but I also think he's super-duper fun and were so much alike too.”

Huh. Two for one. Unexpected.

Discord raised his eyebrows to the point they popped off and fluttered towards me.When they were close they attacked to my snout and turned into a full grown mustache. I giggled and looked to discord who had a full beard going on which made me laugh.

Shadow: I am the... Mustache. :moustache:

“And what news do you bring me my disciple.” the stallion spoke with a dark tone.

“I have found the last one.” the mare said with a smile.

Not sure if it is his first appearance, but to me it feels like it always happens to soon. "random bad guy appears".
I just prefer it if they don't really force the main char into an adventure and give him an own reason to join.

Well....this was not bad, not sure if I really don't have to say anything special to day, because of school today (a bigger test, for my apprenticeship), or if the bad guy in the end kind of interrupted me in my thoughts.

As much as I like adventures, I think I really like the other story tags more.

it was an interesting chapter, you keep improving in your writing. I can't wait to see the the main intrigue is all about. I think now it would be time to study more on the behavior of the different characters of the so so that they can distinguish each other more in there speech and mannerisms as I have sometime trouble recognizing the characters in there actions. The only issue that I have is that I find Discord unnecessary for the story and I think he could have saved him for later in the story, but that is just my opinion on the matter. keep up the good work.

(Mason’s Pov)
Me and the girls had just arrived to the treehouse and were preparing for my initiation.

The bold, so much bold. It didn't stop. To much, to much. :pinkiecrazy:

You might want to fix that.

Did you had "Bold" Ammunition in the typo gun? The shots are sure effective! :trollestia:

But seriously, this chapter builds more suspense and more tension that gives anticipation and interest, :pinkiesmile: and I only have one thing in mind...

This satisfying story needs...

MOAR!:flutterrage:

Do something productive while listening to music, but usually it was listening to music. Now I just do it when I want to be

I think you forgot the 'alone'

Shadow: A most enjoyable chapter, keep up the good work, and Happy New Year for you!

Nighty: See, Blaze? A lot of other ponies like references too.

Blaze: Hmm, maybe you're right. But I like the fact that he can control fire and lightning just like me! Right, Soldier?

Soldier: Everyone here deserves a medal!

Shadow: Ahhh! What are you all doing here!?

((Comment.EXE has stopped responding. REASON: Too many OCs and a Soldier in one comment.))

This story is great can't wait for more as for this chapter I swear it's so familiar

Found a few mistakes
My eyes widen and my heart shattered
My eyes widen when I heard Pinkie
*widened

theres also a few other mistakes aswell

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