Ash. they/them. Loves Fluttershy, Pokemon, and the color pink.
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Celestia has been waiting for this night her entire life; Twilight Sparkle has been destined to come for years upon decades upon centuries. But she didn't know to expect her student like this.
She steels herself anyway. She pours some tea, and welcomes Twilight with open hooves.
Then the two of them have a talk.
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Dayum, nice story. Love it
6940057
Thank you very much for the compliment, and for taking the time to read my story. It really does mean a lot!
6940064 Always happy to
Oh and thank you for writing it
It's a common premise but this one is done more creatively than most, instead of using strictly time travel you incorporated space travel too which I think makes this.
But did you really have to name the entire planet Equus? It means almost the exact same thing as Equestria.
Nice Story. You took a Different approach than most do and i enjoy that.
Damn... I don't have words for this...
But I did love this story...
6941323
6942452
Thank you both so much for reading my story, and your nice words. This really did make my day.
6941096
That goes for you too; thank you so much! As for why I called it Equus? Honestly it's something I've seen other authors do, and I assumed it was the canon name of the planet. I guess not haha
I left a downvote. I have to say I didn't really care for the story. Frankly, though your descriptions had the potential to be quite lovely, there were enough grammar errors to make them a bit of a chore to slog through, and they were long enough to be a little challenging to read all the way through. The plot seemed rather odd, overall, and though I was interested at first, I lost interest over the course of the story. Most authors want to know why people downvote, and thus this message; please don't anyone take this the wrong way and attack me. I recommend a good editor to help smooth the rough parts out and to give some additional perspective on the plot. Good luck!
6943281
Thank you very much for telling me why you gave the downvote, and for the constructive criticism. It's always welcome, as it helps me get better and gives me something to work to. I'll make sure to keep your points in mind as I move forward.
Thank you for reading, and for your comment!!
The description of Twilight existing longer than eternity confuses me, since she obviously hasn't. She can live for a long time, but in the end, she was never around for eternity because she's going to different universes, not going back to the beginning of everything. Even if she had gone to the beginning of everything, she can't have been to eternity unless she was the future itself as well, which isn't implied.
All in all, I suppose that the main issue is that she's all hype and not much action. I've seen this done well(Lovecraftian creatures), but she has even less concrete feats or scaling. All we get is "she's super powerful", and that's about it, which is kind of disappointing given how we're supposed to be impressed by all she knows. But all we've seen her do really is move from universe to universe for a long time and take down dragons larger than the Sun, which is honestly rather puny in the grand scheme of the universe
Interesting story here. My question is did Twilight leave, die, or did she just accend to a higher plane of existence? This was a little bittersweet but at least this Celestia has the knowledge that could help her Twilight. I do have one question about what happened to this worlds Sunset Shimmer since Celestia destroyed the mirror apparently a long time ago.
Very unique story, especially in tone. The prose was a bit thick in places, but that had the curious effect of making things seem both grander and more ineffable than they actually were. It wouldn't hurt to smooth out the pacing a bit though, as the descriptions got in the way of some of the dialog. Still though, I really enjoyed reading this, and it hit a lot of chords for me. Thanks!
6944647 I wasn't left with the impression she destroyed the mirror so much as she simply decided Equestria took priority over her own adventures.
This is an interesting story, but the way certain things are written is very confusing, and seems to serve only to drag things out. The prose is very purple as well, something which makes reading and understanding this story very difficult.
Is it just me or would anyone else love to read a story where twilight DId go back and saved her world then hid her god powers.
6941096 I like the name Equus, and don't like when writers use "Earth" as a name for the planet. That's where we live, not ponies! It's really jarring when authors don't use Equus, at least for me.
Yikes. This was a great story, but a bit more depressing than I generally prefer. Poor Goddess Twilight. It seems like she attained some closure with this Celestia at least, but that doesn't change the fact that she is pretty much doomed to be wandering alone endlessly, unless she stumbles upon a planet with no existing goddesses/princesses, and decides to set roots. So this Twilight, is she the first? She doesn't mention ever meeting another like her, except for her vague suspicions of whatever force keeps undoing her changes. Was her universe the prime universe, if such a thing exists in your canon? Anyway, have a green thumb.
I'm disturbed, yet oddly charmed.
I'll take it. Going right into the shelves.
6944389
Perhaps "eternity" was a bad choice of words on my part. What I meant by that is that Twilight has technically been alive since before all of these universes were made, since she can go back in time, and she's also technically living in the present and future is well; she can travel in time completely at will. So I think more of what I was going for was "forever", as in, Celestia's forever, and those other ponies' forever. I don't know if that made sense at all, but I tried.
As for the rest of your comment, thank you for your input. I really didn't think much into what you were saying as I was writing this, and you put some things into a new perspective. Thank you for your reading, comment, and your helpful criticism.
6945305
6946189
Thank you both for your advice. I know I can tend to get very wordy and purple (you don't want to see some of my old deleted stories), and I have been working on it, but it still gets away from me. I'll try to tone it down for easier reads in the future, and maybe think about getting an editor. Thank you both, again!
6946691
Yeah, seeing "Earth" is strange for me too (it's fine if you call it that, I just don't like using it personally). I thought about calling it Earth at first, but I didn't like it at all, and went searching for other names.
6946746
6944647
Honestly I can't answer your questions because I don't know myself haha. I know what Celestia knows basically, but if you have ideas feel free to explore them!
6946544
Maybe someday.
6946834
That's kind of what I was going for, so I guess it worked? Thank you!
I am grateful to all of you for taking the time to read, comment and give me such wonderful advice. Really, thanks!
6947010
Works for me; you achieved your goal, at least on me. I have to re-read it to fully understand, but that should be worth it.
6946544
I agree!
6947010 Ah, thanks for the explanation. It's a really small nitpick, but the detail is important(in my mind at least) because if she's eternity and beyond infinity, then there's no point in discussing it with Celestia because she would have already done the action(the part of her that's in the future). Omnitemporals/eternals by definition have already done everything in the future since they are already in the future, present, and past all at the same time.
But yeah, if Twilight can just time travel to any point, but is ultimately still forced to pick one point at the timeline, then it makes more sense
Not to be That Mare, but the plural of "millennium" is "millennia". With that out of the way, the story...
Oppressive. Much like Goddess Twilight, it ripples and bulges at its own seams. It's as though it's balanced on the cusp of... something. Some revelation or conclusion or... closure, perhaps? I think at the end, it nearly reaches for that nebulous thing, but, like Twilight herself, falls short. I don't know if this was intentional. I'm not sure whether I want it to be. There's a dark and cloying emptiness in this vision of eternity that's rather unsettling.
There's a certain paradox to my feelings on this story. I like it, but I don't. It pleased me greatly, but deeply disappointed me. It really does feel so very close to complete, but only the beginning of a story grandiose in its smallness.
EDIT: Oh! It reminds me a lot of 紫色のクオリア! Good reading, that.
Heavy stuff.
i thought of this song while reading this amazing fanfic
I don't really know about this one. There's nothing technically wrong with it and the concept is sort of interesting in its own right, but at the same time, it doesn't really actually go anywhere. It's just all this pseudo-philosophical debate about fate and time and whatever. That kind of thing can be interesting, but only really in the context of a story it affects.
This here doesn't. It stands in a vacuum and tries to be dramatic and deep for its own sake. I don't think it succeeds.
This story was fairly well written from a mechanical standpoint.
Seriously, that's the only good thing I can say about this mess of words on my screen. It has all the hallmarks of something trying to be deep and meaningful for the sake of being deep and meaningful, and failing to be either.
6947993
6948075
I see what you both mean, and I agree with you. I'm going to be completely honest here: I didn't think this through at all. Like, I don't know where I was going with this, but I submitted it anyway because I just wanted to get a story I was somewhat proud of out there after a long stretch of inactivity. I never expected people to read this, really, and I didn't expect people to like it so I didn't think it mattered. But after reading your comments I went back and saw the glaring problems with it, and now since something of mine has kind of "kicked off" sort of, I want to fix it and actually try to do better. The problem is I don't really know which way would be the best way to go about it. Do you think that extending this (like with more chapters or a sequel or something) would make it better, or do you think it's a lost cause?
Thank you both for your comments and your input, by the way.
6948215
In all honesty, I think the best thing you could do would be to make an entirely new story of it - something longer, with a plotline of its own that the things said in this one could affect and be relevant to. Something maybe not related to the original world of this Twilight, but to a different one that is about to go through the same thing. You could make something out of that, I think. Like I said, I think the concepts behind it are interesting. It just needs something practical and with a real draw to make them actually matter and feel real to people.
6948215 Context would go a long, long way. Right now you have this nebulous thing calling itself Twilight Sparkle, but it's not related in any way to any character we the readers are familiar with. We have no reason to care about that character and her wandering monologue of pretention doesn't help at all. Making this an interlude of a larger story would help a lot...
...but any story that has this as an interlude isn't going to be one I, personally, would want to read. So while I can say with certainty that the setting and characters you're creating here can be salvaged, I cannot give an unbiased opinion if it should.
6948215
Inapplicable, this story was the denouement to an unwritten two million word space-time character drama. You can't go backwards or forwards now without making it worse because...
The theme of this story is "maturation".
Only one mystery is an actual plothole: the death of her homeworld was implied to happen during the lifetime of the element bearers, implicating an aggressive decaying force willfully targeting her world to ruin within a mortal lifetime, and Twilight bemoanings implied she had never found other universe's Equestrias suffering the same symptom, and was unable to find a way back to her home universe.
Author, please address this comment or edit the relevant section to prevent miscommunication of this crucial plotpoint.
6948919
That's technically true, but it wouldn't be the first story that starts with a retrospective and its own epilogue and then retells the events that led up to it. It's an unusual stylistic choice, but not in and of itself an invalid one. I've read some good books that do that.
6949023
Understood and agreed, though i stated inapplicability solely because of the maturation theme of this character drama story. Other themes are more forgiving, but maturation themes require a solid chronological presentation to the audience.
6949236
I'm not sure I entirely agree with this. Maturation is a very wide theme and it doesn't all have to be done in the style of a Bildungsroman. There are a number of stylistic choices that you could make to tell this kind of story. If I were to do it, I would break the entire thing up into at least two arcs. Like, have this as a prologue and then, I don't know, "Arc One: What the darkness said" leading up to the death of the original Equestria and then Twilight's departure into the great, dark unknown. From there, have a massive, massive timeskip and proceed to "Arc Two: Forever and a day," which would be set ages and ages into the future and explore the changes she has gone through through the character's internal narration and very short paragraph-sized flashbacks as well as her dialogue and interactions with the other Equestrias at that point. Maybe a short final third arc to resolve the main plotline and segue back into the prologue.
Telling this story entirely in chronological order is not necessarily the only or even the best way to do this. I agree that if this became a larger story, it would need to be revised some. That chapter goes into details and tells some things that shouldn't be revealed at that point. I think it would, in the general shape of it, be an excellent way to really spark people's interest and make them invested in seeing the events that led up to this.
... ouch. That was deep, and it makes you consider some very potent and painful questions. Great story and well written!
Interesting direction for an immortal Twilight, though nothing really felt resolved. The reader just learned about one Twilight's world dying, somehow. And from there, Twilight just moves on it seems. Unless the flurry of energy is to imply her death, but that just seems a little too vague for me.
Plot aside, I felt the language was trying to be too metaphorical to the point where some bits were difficult to understand and didn't get the point across. I wouldn't say it is purple prose, but it seemed to be bordering on it.
Other than that, I liked it. Though I do not feel Twilight would be a murderer anymore than she would be a creator as well. Changing little things would only really ruin lives if she was still in a struggle with something else. I also do not like the idea of fate, though I could just be fated to think that and all these words were already pre-determined.
just wow. simply just wow.
This story was amazing!
6943198 Equeia is my name for it, but watev.
Sorry to be that guy, as otherwise I loved the story, but if Twilight for all intents and purposes is speaking like we speak, and not telepathically or whatever, then she would HAVE to still be breathing because speech is air leaving your lungs and going over your vocal cords. You can't do that when you don't breathe.
6950783 But magic!
I'm a bit sad that she just flashed away at the end. I'd like to know if she keeps up her mission or if she's going to do something else?
An interesting story, but IMO lacks a satisfying conclusion, and as some have mentioned, the descriptions go a bit too far.
If she hadn't spent an eternity looking for answers, I'd say she was simply dealing with a time paradox, and that Fate was just her future self fixing her meddling, and of course her future self would know everything she tried and would be able to counter it all.
In that case perhaps originally something relatively minor went wrong in her world, and she tried to fix it by altering the past, causing the Twilight of the resulting timeline to not go back in time to make the same changes, and something else had to happen instead, something that would result in a stable timeline. The only thing that could do that would be something she couldn't fix, because it was so strange she couldn't figure it out, forcing her to travel time & space until she learns to deal with paradoxes properly.
Trying to make the world better by preventing dictators from taking over or preventing other such problems could be harmful in the long term, since the society won't learn to prevent such things by itself, meaning there will simply be another dictator/disaster the moment she stops babysitting the world. In fact nations that don't expend the effort to prevent problems that magically don't happen anyway would be better off, possibly making the civilization more vulnerable over time.
The paths she found could have been an attempt by her future to speed up her travels and learning, although leaving paths that anyone could follow to every world you care about is a terrible idea, so maybe those paths were made to only exist in the times & places she knows her past followed them? Her future self might also be how she knew the world would die and the reason she survived.
She might be able to stabilize the timeline and get her world back if her future self is the one that turned it to dust, but under her conditions, in a reversible way.
But changing this story to have such a solution would probably be too big a change, basically making it an entirely different story. Maybe toning down the descriptions and adding another chapter might work?
"I love you, Twilight."
-Personally I was expecting the phrase "my faithful student" in there...
Grammatical stuff:
and even the words of her wise old adviser Starswirl could give her direction now
-Seems like this part is missing a "not".
and now she had nothing to look to an old teacher which wasn't exactly her own
-should be "but an old teacher"?
if it even has and arcane layout, since I'm not sure about that either.
-an
popping wings which spans stretched to the far window before she even started walking.
-This technically works, but consider "with" instead of "which".
This was beautiful. I'm at work on break and almost shed a tear.
Oh my. The entire time I was getting a medoka vibe reading this.
Reading your responses to reviews gives a bit of your insight to writing this. I would have thought that this was a counter to all those "twilight goes back in time to fix stuff."
It was a bit hard to read, with all the cuts to describing twilight hiding her form. But I truly loved the reveal of space princesses husk twilight.
I enjoyed your world building.
6948075 not a sequel, a prequel. A story long or short about how this twilight got here. I'd Start it just after her world is destroyed and expand on what we know. Her struggles with loneliness and madness her first escape to another string etc etc.
Masterful. You have a brilliant concept, a powerful imagination, a strong grasp of poignancy and tone, and seem like you're in control over your artistic vision. I think you did a wonderful job obscuring just enough information to maintain Twilight's enigmatic, colossal aura, while still making her relatable enough to be believable. Celestia relating her to the "current" Twilight does a lot to humanize her as well; a brilliant proxy foil.
...Though I'm still trying to figure out why it is that Celestia saying "I love you" is enough to bring peace to Twilight. That's probably my fault though. I am not a smart pony.
Most of my issues with this story are technical in nature. Your sentence structure is convoluted, making your writing rather cumbersome and difficult to read. I recommend using the Hemingway app, which highlights sentences based on readability and offers suggestions on how you can tune up particularly heavy phrases to make your writing more accessible.
You also have some basic errors in word usage (you often mix up "their"and "there", and "hers" and "her's") and punctuation (particularly quotation marks and commas). I strongly suggest getting an editor to help iron out the wrinkles.
Because, honestly, this is a powerful story you're trying to tell, and it deserves nothing but the absolute finest presentation.
6950783
Twilight can breathe if she so desires, and as you said if she doesn't use magic to speak than she would have to. Twilight hasn't breathed in a long time because she hasn't spoken for a very long time.
Or if you prefer another explanation then it's completely possible that, since Twilight's body is now almost completely a magical husk, that she doesn't even have vocal cords anymore, and is speaking purely through magical means.
6951636
Thank you so very much for the detailed advice!! To be honest I don't know how exactly I would go about doing this, or if I will at all, but I will definitely keep these points in mind as I move forward. Again, thank you.
6952530
Thanks for those corrections. I'll have to go back and fix those some time.
6962155
I've never heard of that app before, but I'll have to definitely try it!
I really am grateful for you to take the time to give me that critique, as well as the kind words.
Oh, and Celestia's words didn't necessarily bring her peace.
A big thank you to all who I haven't personally responded to as well. I have read all of your comments and I appreciate every last one of them, even if I can't reply to every one.
I really liked Celestia's it doesn't matter, they're both me idea, because that's my take on multiple realities: I think the other-world counterparts of 'me', should they exist, are just as 'me' as I am.
Twilight's transcendence and ethical dilemmas were also quite interesting, and I liked the 'he who fights monsters...' tope that Twilight used while talking about fate.
6970482
You are welcome.
I sometimes try to do responses that are mostly that sort of mechanical correction as PMs, but doing them in the comment's section is usually a lot easier since I don't have to keep two tabs open.
6951636 Actually, my favorite answer is ironically taken from the heavily-panned Time Machine remake a while back. In that, the time traveler asks the Moorlock leader why he can't save his fiancee. The Moorlock shows him what his life would have been like if he had. In it, he has a family, and when he considers the time machine plans, he just shrugs and puts them away. In short, he only built the time machine to save his fiancee's life. If he unmade the need, he'd unmake the machine, and prevent the event entirely.
Paradox.
The universe won't allow him to succeed as a result, as it keeps insisting time has to keep spinning on. Ironically, the traveler could change absolutely anything else. Just not the event that prompted him to travel in the first place.
Using that as a baseline, Twilight wouldn't be able to save her world, because she only gained the power necessary to save it in response to losing it in the first place. She can change absolutely anything else. Just not the event that gave her the motivation. It's also why changes she made as test cases kept getting reset. If she succeeded in any of them, she'd use them to save her world. Thus, the paradox-reset keeps cutting in.
Under the circumstances, I could see Celestia opening a door to Paradise, and encouraging Twilight to go join her friends.