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Pathos14489


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Sequels1

  • TApathy
    Celestia stole her heart—literally—and kept it when she promised to give Twilight freedom. Now furious but unable to do anything about it, Twilight copes with her new unlife.
    Pathos14489 · 23k words  ·  197  18 · 3.2k views
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Celestia decides to see just how right she was in her choice regarding Twilight's ascension. But upon stepping off the Cutie Map, the world is shattered and she aims to find out why.

If you're interested in more, Apathy is the sequel.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 127 )

I don't know what to feel, other than this deep feeling of depression, despair, and loss.

But what happens after this?

6947889 I have a sequel idea, but I won't be doing much for now. I mainly wrote this over the course of two days straight without working and now I have to stop ignoring my work.

Curse my creative habits making me get behind in school! :twilightangry2:

Also! Thank you for the feedback. That feeling is what I was hoping for! :twilightsmile:

You should make a sequel. :twilightsmile:

6947911 Given how spontaneously popular this fic is, I just might do that sooner than I thought. :twilightoops: I never get this many reviews/likes/views so quickly!

6947915

What are you going to do for the sequel? maybe have twilight go back in time? :trixieshiftright:

this......I have no words to describe what I am feeling......you have written something truly amazing sir....truly.

6947935 Wow, thanks! I... Don't really know how to respond to that. :pinkiehappy:

6947935 Also, could I ask if the heartbeat actually played any role in the feeling of the story?

6948286 didn't actually run it as I didn't want my laptop to lag. :twilightblush:

but I think it would do to the imagery you described and how the story flows.

6948294 Okay. Thanks anyway.

Oh man so so sad:fluttershysad::fluttercry::fluttershyouch::fluttershbad: :raritydespair::raritycry: :.'.'(

6948994 Only a little sad.

Kind of meh. This could have been interesting, but it's not one of those stories that leave things open in a good way. It's just dark for its own sake and doesn't tell us any of the things that would really make it interesting. The entire thing feels pointless and self-indulgent.

:rainbowderp: That was.......
Kinda dark.
No regrets.

6949497 Seriously though.
I kinda wanna do a reading for this.

6949501 If you do, be sure to let me know. I'll leave a link to it in the description and all that fine such. :pinkiehappy:

6949018 No it is not just alittle . IT.IS .A .WHOLE . LOT .OF. SADNESS. You just put Princess Celestia into a decision where either way she would be miserable. A little sad . I don't think so.:ajbemused:

6949600 Well I feel like it's sad because it's something that really happens in life. More often than anyone could want. Life is never fair, every day you trek through it, fighting battles you can't ever win. And Celestia is the ruler of an entire nation, she goes through things like this a lot as well. Though with her peaceful land, I feel like less often than most. I feel like not many people can properly show Celestia in a situation where she loses no matter what because of who she is. She's Princess Celestia, she is the god ruler of the nation of peaceful ponies. She is most often shown as ancient and perfect, and while there are often flaws, they never show her battle with the same thing every one else does. Feeling helpless. Feeling that no matter what you chose, that you couldn't have won that situation. And I tried to encompass that the best that I could, and I'm actually happy with how it turned out.

6949306 And I didn't mean that other reply as a cheeky response! I mean it truthfully. Everything I write, I write it solely for myself. But I'm curious. What do you think would make it more interesting?

6949621
It's difficult to say. I didn't mean that the story is you being self-indulgent, I meant that the story spends all its time indulging itself. There is no real point to it and it doesn't seem to know where it wants to go. Large parts of it just straight-out don't make any sense. Celestia travels to the future, but she doesn't even know by how many years. She goes to all that effort, but she doesn't seem to have any real thing she looks for. Twilight has her special party cellar filled with mementoes, but instead of being there she just lies about randomly in some cave somewhere. Alicorns are undead liches for some poorly explained reason, but nobody has ever noticed that fact.

You could have had an actual theme for this. A sense of oppressive tragedy, with hints everywhere to what happened and why, with Celestia becoming more and more paranoid and fearful of what she will discover next. Skeletons, traces of fighting or just unnatural decay, whatever. Instead, Twilight just dumps it all in her lap but also leaves out any crucial information that might help to actually avert this "to protect the timeline" - as if there was actually any way to make the situation worse than it currently is! Literally the worst thing has already happened. Full global-level extinction event. Anything would be better.

I'm honestly not sure this could even be salvaged, except by completely rewriting it. Writing for yourself is what every writer does to a degree, but that's not an excuse for not trying to do your best with it.

Also, the ending is honestly kind of weak. I'm actually still not sure if she ended up killing her or taking her back with herself. The way it's written makes it impossible to tell.

6949643

There is no real point to it and it doesn't seem to know where it wants to go.

The real point of this story was to set a stage honestly. I didn't want to start the multi chapter story I have planned about this quite yet, but I wanted to have the background for that already written. And I feel that cutting the back story into it's own fic would let people decide whether they wanted to read more or not from one completed package.

Large parts of it just straight-out don't make any sense. Celestia travels to the future, but she doesn't even know by how many years.

I suppose that was a little bit of biased writing I failed to elaborate on. I feel like Starlight's spell is a little more fine tuned to Starlight than Celestia, but I also just wanted to leave the exact time hidden for now. I suppose that it's a tad contrived to be honest though.

She goes to all that effort, but she doesn't seem to have any real thing she looks for.

All she was really looking for was to see how things had turned out I suppose. She was curious.

Twilight has her special party cellar filled with mementoes, but instead of being there she just lies about randomly in some cave somewhere.

I planned on expanding on this bit in the sequel honestly. I don't really want to spoil any of that in the comments though.

Alicorns are undead liches for some poorly explained reason, but nobody has ever noticed that fact.

...Yeah I'll admit, also sorta contrived. I'm not a perfect author I'm afraid. I read things and think they're good enough, but then they turn out not to be. :twilightsheepish:

You could have had an actual theme for this. A sense of oppressive tragedy, with hints everywhere to what happened and why, with Celestia becoming more and more paranoid and fearful of what she will discover next. Skeletons, traces of fighting or just unnatural decay, whatever.

Ooo... That would have been good too. Mind if I store that idea away? But anyway, the theme I was going for (Which I quite honestly hate to set in stone here, so it's not set in stone. Interpret it any way you like. This is just how I interpret it.) is the feeling of helplessness.

Instead, Twilight just dumps it all in her lap but also leaves out any crucial information that might help to actually avert this "to protect the timeline" - as if there was actually any way to make the situation worse than it currently is! Literally the worst thing has already happened. Anything would be better.

To Ponies and Equestria. But Twilight is thinking beyond Equestria. Beyond their universe to the idea of time itself. Equestria is one world, and Twilight is not going to damn everything else in the universe if things go badly from messing with time.

I'm honestly not sure this could even be salvaged, except by completely rewriting it. Writing for yourself is what every writer does to a degree, but that's not an excuse for not trying to do your best with it.

I did do my best with this. This is my current limit. I would be glad to read how you would write this fic, but I'm not writing it like you would write it. I'm writing it based on my biases, and my inspirations. This is my current best of the best story I'm afraid. I'm sorry it didn't meet your criteria for good story though. :twilightsmile:

6949686

I suppose that it's a tad contrived to be honest though.

It's just kind of a conceptual problem. How can she go somewhere if she doesn't know where it is? How can she come back from there without knowing exactly where she comes from? Without being aware of when she traveled to, she shouldn't know how to find her way back to her own time, except by trial and error.

All she was really looking for was to see how things had turned out I suppose. She was curious.

Time travel is kind of a big deal and Celestia doesn't seem the type to go visit the dancers at the end of time just on a lark, but that's just my opinion.

Ooo... That would have been good too. Mind if I store that idea away?

Feel free. If you actually want write the idea into a story then you're putting it to the best use possible, given that I'm certainly not going to, so I really have no reason to sit on it and have it be no use at all.

the feeling of helplessness.

Equestria is one world, and Twilight is not going to damn everything else in the universe if things go badly from messing with time.

That's kind of the problem: the helplessness feels forced and artificial, exactly because that last reason isn't really apparent in any way. There's no reason why messing with the timeline of one measly planet should destroy all of time everywhere or something like that. Plus, we already kind of know that it doesn't, given that the whole thing with Glimmer happened. The intent is visible, but because of the way you executed it, it just doesn't quite come together.

6949613 that's true.But still it hurts that celestia has to go through that pain . Knowing full well that twilight loved her like a mother.

6949726

It's just kind of a conceptual problem. How can she go somewhere if she doesn't know where it is? How can she come back from there without knowing exactly where she comes from? Without being aware of when she traveled to, she shouldn't know how to find her way back to her own time, except by trial and error.

I feel like it's based on her mind. She has a firm grasp of the time she wants to go back to, but when she was going forward she only had a loose idea in her mind of the future. She was just going to see if Twilight Nightmare Mooned Equestria or something I suppose.

Time travel is kind of a big deal and Celestia doesn't seem the type to go visit the dancers at the end of time just on a lark, but that's just my opinion.

Given how Starlight is the first pony to create a time travel spell that doesn't only last like fifteen seconds, I feel like it's untraveled territory at Celestia's point of view. And of any pony to test the waters of it, it should be someone she can old responsible without feeling bad about it. AKA herself.

That's kind of the problem: the helplessness feels forced and artificial, exactly because that last reason isn't really apparent in any way.

Well I tried. Maybe one day I will be able to better execute it. :twilightsheepish:

There's no reason why messing with the timeline of one measly planet should destroy all of time everywhere or something like that. Plus, we already kind of know that it doesn't, given that the whole thing with Glimmer happened. The intent is visible, but because of the way you executed it, it just doesn't quite come together.

Well the event with Starlight was one event. Future Twilight has supposedly had a lot more experience with it than anyone in Celestia's timeline. Celestia included.

6949751

I feel like it's based on her mind. She has a firm grasp of the time she wants to go back to, but when she was going forward she only had a loose idea in her mind of the future. She was just going to see if Twilight Nightmare Mooned Equestria or something I suppose.

That's certainly an adequate enough reason, but it's also the thing that should actually have been stated in the story. I think the whole thing would have actually made for a pretty strong concept if you had established that idea from the beginning and then styled Celestia's encounter with Twilight as one of suspicious semi-hostility, only to eventually resolve it into the revelation that Twilight is the last survivor of a tragedy she didn't cause. That's actually a story idea I think would have worked very well.

Well the event with Starlight was one event. Future Twilight has supposedly had a lot more experience with it than anyone in Celestia's timeline. Celestia included.

The main problem with it is really that there's only Twilight's word on it but it's not apparent from anything that actually happens somewhere. That's one of those things where I think "show, don't tell" applies to a degree. This kind of thing really needs establishing in-story to feel solid and believable to the reader.

6949792

That's certainly an adequate enough reason, but it's also the thing that should actually have been stated in the story. I think the whole thing would have actually made for a pretty strong concept if you had established that idea from the beginning and then styled Celestia's encounter with Twilight as one of suspicious semi-hostility, only to eventually resolve it into the revelation that Twilight is the last survivor of a tragedy she didn't cause. That's actually a story idea I think would have worked very well.

Okay uh. Major sequel spoiler, do not read it if you hate spoilers. Not just as a warning to Wlam, but to anyone scrolling throught the comments. But who is to say she didn't cause this? Perhaps that's why she's being so vague and secret-y. :moustache: You assume she's innocent.

But I think I might edit that into it.

The main problem with it is really that there's only Twilight's word on it but it's not apparent from anything that actually happens somewhere. That's one of those things where I think "show, don't tell" applies to a degree. This kind of thing really needs establishing in-story to feel solid and believable to the reader.

I feel like I should edit a few things now. You really enlightened me on a couple things, so thank you.

6949801

Okay uh. Major sequel spoiler

Fair point and all, but as it stands, it doesn't really feel to me like there's any reason to assume she isn't. She's not hostile, she's not in any visible way profiting from the situation and her final act is to ask for a mercy killing instead of, say, trying to take over Celestia's body and travel back to her time in her stead. She clearly isn't happy with the situation and has, at this juncture, literally no reason at all left to even care enough to lie. Asking Celestia to not change anything or try to save her isn't in her best personal interest and pointlessly self-destructive otherwise, if she actually had had any actual part in this or anything she previously wanted to gain and failed to.

I feel like I should edit a few things now. You really enlightened me on a couple things, so thank you.

Always glad to help.

6949823 Mo' Spoilers: Well who is to say she did it on purpose either? :rainbowlaugh: Okay that format of informing is getting annoying. But she didn't do it on purpose, it was a mistake. She doesn't want Celestia to think of her like that though, hence her not talking about it.

6949828
That just kind of feels like something that over-eager young adult Twilight would do more than cynical 50,000,000 years old wants-to-die Twilight, but alright. If nothing else, it's consistent with her character.

6949844 Some things never change. People and ponies are one of those things. Everyone has their guilty flaw, and it usually haunts them the rest of their life.

6949854
I certainly can't dispute that one.

6949858 :twilightsmile: Thank you for the critique. It's so hard nowadays to find someone who will call you out on your bull****. :rainbowlaugh:

6949864
:rainbowlaugh: It's even rarer to find someone who actually appreciates it, believe me. I get reactions like that a lot, but not nearly as often as I do criticisms like this.

6949874 I mean... It's really hard to accept criticism. Especially when you are proud of something. But I just had to remind myself I'm not a godly writer. :rainbowlaugh: But my honest first instinct was get all defensive. I just had to say no to it because what would that accomplish?

6949884
There's not really that much to it. A lot of people here have really fragile egos and aren't really interested in writing something that's actually good or in improving on their skills, they just want to be praised and get attention for what they produce. They don't actually want criticism because they don't actually care how well they did, just in having someone tell them so.

6949893 Every time I write something new, I try to improve something in my style. Whether it's formatting, grammar, tensing, cover, title, etc. I don't want to get mindless praise, nor do I want to write a billion things no one will remember. I want to be able to write something that leaves people thinking. Something with a powerful, philosophical meaning beyond myself. To surmise, I don't want fame or praise. I want to make the reader think and feel real emotion about what they are reading.

6949901
Personally, I'm always leery about stories that try to go philosophical on me, because as someone with an academic background and who's old enough to actually have read a substantial amount of real-world philosophy, it's always very visible to me how shallow and awkward most of these attempts really are. Depending on how much a writer gets into it, it can honestly get a bit embarrassing to watch, because you're aware of how much nonsense they're talking and never notice.

Otherwise, this is certainly a good attitude to have, though. Any good story is written with the entertainment of the the audience in mind, because in the end, your readers are who it's addressed to and who it's really for. They also express something that the author knows and cares about in some personal and meaningful way, however, and if it's just an expression of their personal sense of humor and desire to make someone laugh. Any story that doesn't have these elements is going to be ultimately going to be shallow and forgettable.

6949915 Yeah, I don't quite have the life experience for the philosophical stuff just yet I'm afraid. Still quite young. :twilightsheepish: Maybe one day I can attain my dream eh? Get up there with Neon Genesis Evangelion and the like? Even if I never get any better, so long as I try I at least have the chance to improve. Writing is the only thing I'm even slightly capable of, I'm nothing without it. I can only hope to be as good as Kkat or Somber one day.

6949933
Well, that kind of thing comes with time. In all fairness, I also have very high standards. When I say philosophical literature, I think of things like Sartre's 'La Nausée', 'Siddharta' and 'Crime and Punishment.' Those are some tough acts to live up to for anyone. To be honest, I don't really take fanfiction very seriously as a medium. I think of it as light entertainment. Not necessarily bad (I've read some stuff here that honestly had me in stitches beginning to end) entertainment, but also not something that ever goes very deep, either.

6949940 I see. Then if I might ask, what made you click on Pulse then? From the description and the tag it was said to never really be a comedy.

6949950
The concept of it honestly interested me and the title is picked very well to grab people's attention. I don't only read comedy, it's just something I enjoy a lot. Laughing is good for you and it never pays to forget that you shouldn't take yourself all seriously all the time.

6949956 I agree. I usually tend to write dark, or what I consider dark, stories. But I do very much enjoy comedy. And thank you for the comment about why you clicked it. I've been trying to figure out what makes people click certain stories or why some things get featured and others don't.

6949963
Yeah, there's a certain kind of "feature bait" that will just kind of attract people and get a lot of rushed upvotes, but is then pretty much forgotten about again. I don't really think most featured stories are any good. Plus, once you get into the 800+ followers range, pretty much anything you publish will get featured, no matter how bad it is. I'm friends with some authors here who have really complained to me about this and how they feel it makes it hard for them to judge how good their stories really are, because they'll get a positive reception of that degree no matter what.

That said, if there's one thing I definitely did like about this story, it's how you integrated the writing and the title of it. The whole pulse and heartbeat theme is very well done and worked out excellently. I really like little literary flourishes like that, I think it shows attention to detail and a good sense for presentation.

6949973 I just want a balance I guess. I want enough people following me so I can get feedback, which this story has really helped for surprisingly, but I don't want so many I'm overwhelmed.

Thanks, but honestly? I didn't plan it at all. I was already done with it and reading through it, noticed the heart beat thing and after I had already submitted the story I rewrote a lot of it to incorporate the heart beat into it. And it's gotten good reception so no regrets. I really like how the Pulse thing turned out. The story was originally titled Passage, but I'm keeping that name for something else.

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