• Member Since 6th May, 2014
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

Enigmatic Otaku

Write stories. Acquire followers and moderate horsefame.

Comments ( 1254 )

Yaay mafia octavia its sad nobody writes about her anymore

Seems a little third wheelish or it could be threes company. Will read later.

wat started the whole mafia tavi thing?
also you haz get follow cause ive been waiting for fic like this for awhile

This is awesome please keep going!!!!!!!!:derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2:

I feel myself getting dumber everytime I see people not managing to bother using the proper plural for the word "Pegasus".

Now I know this might be intentional, but sheesh, it's basic knowledge that any singular word that ends in -us, like Pegasus, has it's plural ending with -i

Pegasus - Pegasi
Nexus - Nexi

/Rant over.

You're right: It's intentional.
In Maurice's defense, did anyone here know what the plural for Pegasi was until AFTER becoming a brony?

I like this one, It is a very good Human in Equestria Fic.

Oh. My. GOD.

Octy cussing.

I love it :D

So long as there's horn play and some tail tugging I am down to see what transpires.

I NEED MORE!!!!!! 10/10 DERPS!!!

That ending was perfect. Can't wait for more!

his guy already has a potential universe on his hands with this as the pilot. Nice thinking. You can make more stories from that "sudden enter". It's like "I'm doin' my own thing the BAM! in Equestria."

Well, good to know it's intentional.

...And actually, I did. Starcraft 1 had a lot of material to teach me :rainbowwild:

5802391 Except octopuses. Octopuses can also be called octopodes, but octopi is incorrect.

good stuff! I'll stick around for the next chapter.

5803984 5802391 Not to mention that nexi isn't a word, nor is pegasi, because Pegasus is just the specific name of a single creature in Greek mythology. There is no plural for Pegasus because proper nouns can't be plural. The plural of nexus is nexuses, or just nexus.

Though, it's fair to say that "Pegasus" has become synonymous with "winged horse" over the centuries, and I would agree. Therefore, "pegasus" needs a plural. I do like "pegasi"; it's an educated sounding solution to this problem, and I do use it.

Of course, if you were joking, well, yolo swag blaze it 69. :rainbowkiss:

"Vinyl Scratch, you lying little shit!"

Best way to end a first chapter

This little "program" makes me wonder if we'll be seeing other humans, or if it's just a plot device.

The main problem I have with this is the protagonist and the point of view. For first person to work the protagonist needs to have a definitive personality, I would say it's the most important element, and it's missing. The main character, who's name I can't even remember, is about as interesting as wet cement, and at least you can play with wet cement. I would recommend reading "Angle of Fire" by William King, or any of the Ciaphas Cain novels. Both series are in first person and it works because the main characters have definitive personalities. Currently, this guy is just like every other HiE protagonist. The only reason I can think of that this hit the feature box is because of Vinyl Scratch and Octavia. Your writing could use a lot of some work, but that's the work of a dedicated editor.

I'm not allowed to play in wet cement anymore...

5804382 You have a somewhat interesting set up, but the character is so bland and boring that I simply can't get invested enough in him to care. On top of that your writing quality is below average, or at least below what average should be. It's rather late where I live right now so if you want I can go into more detail later, but my advice would be this; first, make the character interesting, or at least more unique. At the moment I could open up almost any other HiE fic on Fimfiction and find a nearly identical protagonist. Secondly, I would recommend you try the series' I mentioned (Angle of Fire is actualy not a series, but the first book of a trilogy, by the way) and pay attention to the way the author writes and how they portray the character. On a final note, you have to much "tell" and not enough "show" in your writing.


More into Lovecraft.

Anyway, I understand that you're trying to give advice, but bare in mind that this is only the first chapter. There will be plenty of time for character development; we don't meet someone new, then instantly know everything about them.

Interesting start, not often we get to see Spike get the football routine. :rainbowlaugh: Reactions of the others are interesting enough though as was mentioned the protagonist needs a bit more fleshing out but that can come in the next few chapters.

"Human In Equestria story inspired by JeremyStorm's To Find a Rainbow"

*See's Sex/Romance tag*


5804455 What's Lovecraft? And there's a difference between leaving room for character development and having almost no character at all. I get that we shouldn't learn everything about a character the moment we met them, but this is your First-Person protagonist! We need to have at least some sense of who this person is so we can understand him. We need a base of this character to start with so we can build on it. We know next to nothing about this character, and that is not a good thing. Once again I direct you to the books I have mentioned before. Give them a read, multiple ideally, and really pay attention to how the author writes the words and portrays the characters.


Well, I didn't exactly notice the tags or the "inspired by" part because the featured box doesn't show you "Read more" or the tags.

I clicked on this. Was not going to read it. Happy I did.:pinkiehappy:

5804095 here's hoping there actually will be more humans.

Insta fav because you were inspired by Lyra's Confession and Bon Bon's acceptance and I helped edit those.

I haven't helped with To Find A Rainbow though :(

Good so far. I would just work on Octavia and Vinyl a bit, it can be hard to make a character their own, but it's not just what they say, but how they say it. I've read way to many fics where characters don't really seem to have much personality, they all say different things but their is nothing behind the words. It is pretty useful to write their mannerisms and what they are doing instead of pure speech sometimes. Just a heads up, it's fine so far.

I'd say you've got Vinyl down well enough. Now let's see how you write Octy.

Good story so far, but it needs work. One thing I noticed was:

Vinyl walked by me, then practically threw herself onto the leather couch in the living room.

I wouldn't recommend leather, you know, since leather is made from animal hide...
Definitely following this story though, I look forward to reading more.

This story is great so far and here's hoping at some point he bumps into lyra

...Didn't this have a second chapter or am I just going crazy??

Definitely crazy; still working on that.

Some brave creature sacrificed itself to have the glorious Vinyl Scratch rump sit upon it.

As she continued to stretch, I noticed that her cutie mark was one of those musical notes--hell if I know which one, I'm not a musician.

I appreciate this very much, it's trying on the mind to see fics where everyone knows exactly what the cutie marks are. And good to see Mafia Octavia spewing a bit of profanity.

5806764 Huh... must of got confused or something...


Maybe the main character thinks that it´s leather, but instead is another fabric.

5804087 I love how everyone is aurguing over the English language like it ACTUALY makes sense.

Remember a time when people used to get along on comment sections of things? Cause I don't.

5806848 Just so you and anyone else that reads this, Octavia's cutie mark is what's known as a "treble clef" and the fancy "and" symbol the author uses as a comparison is called an "ampersand" and it looks like this --> &

5807461 Oh no, I'm fully aware of both Octavia's Treble Clef and Vinyl's eighth notes. I was just saying it was good to have a somewhat musically dull protagonist.

5807163 Also, there were still a few errors here and there, so if you need someone to proofread just drop me a message and I'll try to help.

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