Righteous Revenge and Rambling Rationalizations
After the incident at Cloud’s almost-dinner party, Her Highness devoted considerable energy to improving the library’s defenses. I had at least managed to persuade her not to enclose the entire tree within a bubble shield; cutting the rest of the ponies off from their books just to keep out a few pranksters hardly seemed fair. Instead, there were multiple layers of redundant wards specifically keyed to Rainbow Dash, Star, and Sparkler.
We discovered just how effective those wards were a few hours later, when Rainbow knocked on our door. Her mane and tail were in complete disarray, jutting out wildly at every conceivable angle. “Hey guys, can you—”
Before she could say anything more, a small thundercloud drifted up behind her, zapping her right in the cutie mark with a miniature bolt of lightning. She yelped and shot halfway across the yard. The raincloud soon followed her, but Rainbow quickly reversed directions, smacking the cloud to forcibly disperse it.
“It will reform in a few seconds,” I cautioned her.
“Yeah, I noticed.” She rubbed her flank while shooting a baleful look at the cloud, which was already reconstituting itself to renew its assault. “That thing’s been after me ever since I got within a block of the library.”
“And it will cease bothering you as soon as you leave the premises,” I helpfully explained. “Her Highness is taking more active measures to prevent any further pranks.”
“Uh, yeah, about that...” Rainbow tried to slip inside the library itself, only to collide with a solid invisible wall. While she was stunned from that, another small thunderbolt zapped her mane, making it frizz out to the point where it looked even wilder than Pinkie’s. “Gyah! Just lemme in, okay? I’m just here to talk! No pranks, I promise!”
My eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Pinkie Promise?”
“Yeah yeah, whatever.” Rainbow’s hooves hastily shot through the requisite motions.
“Very well then.” I gently tapped the freshly installed wardstone, deactivating the defenses for long enough to let Rainbow Dash inside. She scrambled through the door, warily scanning the room for any other unpleasant surprises. While she did so, I began making my way to the princess’s study. “I will inform Her Highness you are here. And do recall that you Pinkie Promised good behavior. Her Highness has told me that the consequences for violating such an oath are most severe.”
I entered the study, where Her Highness was hard at work—shockingly enough, she was studying. However, before I could inform her of Rainbow’s presence, I heard Rainbow shouting back in the library. The princess sighed and marked her place in the book. “I guess that means Rainbow’s here?”
“Yes. She said she wanted to talk.” I heard a few more Dashian yelps. “I suppose she must have triggered the safety spells you put on your bookshelf after she reorganized it.”
“Sounds like it.” Twilight leaned back in her chair, stretching out all the kinks from her morning study session. “I suppose I should go help her.” A smile slowly crept across her face. “Right after I finish my tea. Would you like a cup too, Storm?”
“That sounds lovely, Highness.”
We returned to the library’s central room a few minutes later. Rainbow was still quite securely attached to the roof by Her Highness’s aetheric adhesive. She glowered down at us as best she could while hanging upside down and glued to the roof. “Took you guys long enough.” Her glare focused in on me. “And you could’ve warned me not to touch the books.”
Twilight dispelled the trap, then caught Rainbow in midair to ensure she had a gentle landing. “Are you really surprised after what you did yesterday?”
“I was just looking for something to do while I waited on you guys.” Rainbow settled onto the ground, stretching out each of her freed limbs in turn. “Didn’t know you’d turned your library into a crazy place full of deathtraps for anypony who dares to touch one of your books. Though I guess I probably should’ve seen that one coming. Just saying, this isn’t gonna be much of a library if nopony is allowed to touch the books.”
“The spells won’t go after anypony but you and your two book-misshelving friends,” Twilight explained, though a moment later she paused and frowned. “Or at least, they haven’t gone after me or Storm. I haven’t really done exhaustive testing on other ponies yet. Ponies aren’t eager to volunteer for testing my wards for some reason.”
“Gee, I can’t imagine why.” The mangled remnants of Her Highness’s sarcasm detector let out a groan of protest and a few tiny puffs of smoke at Rainbow’s remark.
I pointedly cleared my throat. “In any case, Rainbow, you said you came here to talk. We are listening.”
“Right, right...” She licked a hoof and quickly smoothed her mane down. “So, I’ve been thinking...”
“There’s a first time for everything,” Her Highness murmured.
Rainbow glowered at her, then shook her head and continued. “Look, this whole prank war thing is kinda getting played out. I mean, let’s face it—the whole thing is pretty one-sided, and you guys are easy targets. Though I guess that was kinda inevitable. It’s really not a fair contest when you’re up against me.” She shot the two of us a cocky grin, clearly enjoying her chance to gloat a bit. “Anyway, here’s the deal: I’ll talk to Star and Sparkler and get them to call the whole prank war off.” She paused, and her smile widened. “If Twilight makes some sorta royal announcement that I’m the greatest prankster ever.”
“Rainbow...” Twilight growled.
“What? It’s true,” she answered with her usual degree of modesty. “You saw what happened when they tried to prank you without my help. I give them a little advice, help them out with a couple of the tricks, and now they’re doing way better. So really, I’m the one who won the whole thing. I just want a little credit for it is all. Star’ll be happy knowing that she beat Storm, and Sparkler seems to be in it just for the laughs.”
I felt a flare of pure, stubborn pride at the mention of my sister. “Star did not beat me. She merely has me at a temporary disadvantage due primarily to outside interference.” I nodded to Rainbow. “I am not going to lose to that ... brat.”
The princess glanced to me for a moment, then slowly nodded. “I’m with Storm. If you want to just call it quits with the whole prank war, that’s fine, but I am not going use my princesshood to stroke your ego.”
Rainbow shrugged, seeming quite unaffected by our words. “Fine, do whatever you wanna do. But I should probably warn you guys that Star and Sparkler are planning the biggest, scariest, most awesome prank ever. S’why I came here to offer you guys a chance to give up before it gets bad.” She blinked, then hastily continued. “I mean, not bad bad. Pranks are no fun unless everypony’s laughing. Just saying, if you make me break out my ultimate weapon, you guys are gonna be doomed, ‘cause I’ve got an awesome plan.”
Her Highness’s face darkened, her lips drawn into a tight, almost angry scowl. “I think we can take whatever you have planned, Dash. Your idea of a plan is to point everypony in a general direction and yell at them to be awesome. I’m the one who managed to make Ponyville’s Winter Wrap-up finish on time with my organizational skills. You might be a good prankster, but there’s no way you’re a better planner than me.”
Rainbow chuckled and flicked the princess’s nose with one of her feathers. “Oooh, yeah, I’m real scared of egghead powers. You might be good at egghead planning, but I’m way better at awesome planning and actually doing stuff. You guys haven't been able to handle anything I tossed your way.”
“Is that so?” Twilight countered with a smug grin. “Tell me something, oh mistress of doing stuff, why were you having so much trouble against my wards? Because it looked to me like you never would have gotten inside or off of the ceiling without our help.”
Rainbow crossed her forelegs over her chest, grumbling, “I was working it out. You guys just interrupted me before I could figure out how to get past all those freaky defenses you set up.” Her annoyed pout slipped for a bit, and a worried frown took its place. “And really, some of that stuff is going way too far anyway. It’s only a matter of time before somepony else gets hit, and your pranks automatically lose if you hit innocent ponies or they’re so nasty it stops being fun, ‘cause that’s just lame.”
“I think I know just a bit more about how my magic works than you do, Rainbow,” Her Highness answered primly. “And if you think you’ve gotten through all my spells, you’re in for a rude awakening. One of my ancestors said that nothing is more dangerous than a unicorn with enough time to prepare, and I’m an alicorn who was up all night coming up with ideas. You haven't activated half of what I've set up. Isn't that right, Storm?”
“I would peg it at slightly below twenty percent, Highness,” I answered dutifully. In truth, I was somewhat concerned that the princess had apparently foregone sleep just to plan out pranks, but I suppose I should not have been surprised. The princess, like many great ponies, was prone to losing track of time once some new project consumed her attention.
“Only twenty percent?” Twilight shot a quick smirk at her friend. “I thought it would be more. You guys are behind schedule. Almost sluggish, really. I was expecting better.”
That most certainly got Rainbow’s attention. She never could resist a challenge. “I can take anything you dish out! You wouldn't know a good prank if it zapped you in the plot! There’s no way you can beat me at pranking!”
“Oh really?” Twilight trotted right up to Rainbow, pointedly meeting her eyes. “I’ve found I can do just about anything as long as I set my mind to it, and lately I’ve been setting my mind to finding a way to get back at you for all those pranks.” She lifted her chin up proudly. “Just because I’m not an avid prankster like you doesn’t mean I can’t hold my own in a fight. I read three books about pranking last night.”
“You can’t read three books in one night!” Rainbow objected.
“Sounds like somepony never learned how to speed-read,” the princess countered. “And it’s easy to read three books a night when you don’t sleep. I usually like to take my time enjoying a book instead of rushing through it, but...”
“Oh whatever,” Rainbow groused, shooting an annoyed glance at the princess. “So you read a couple books. Big deal. There’s still a big difference between reading about it in a book and doing it for real, Twilight.”
“Funny, that’s almost exactly what you said before I beat you and Applejack in the Running of the Leaves,” she shot back, a confident little grin on her face. “And I only read one book before I did that. You sure you want to do this?”
Rainbow flapped up, aggressively getting eye-to-eye with Twilight. If the two of them were not such close friends, I likely would have stepped in and forced Rainbow out of Twilight’s personal space. “I never back down from a fight.”
“Fine then.” Twilight answered, flapping her wings and meeting Rainbow on her own level. “If that’s how you want things to be, then that’s how they’ll be. Storm, activate Operation Stardust.”
I dutifully crushed one of the small gems the princess had entrusted me with. I might not be a unicorn, but growing up with one and my training at West Hoof left me more than a little familiar with spellwork. It was easy enough to activate a series of contingent spells like the ones Her Highness had arranged for Operation Stardust.
There was a bright flash from outside, visible through the library windows. Rainbow tried to stay cool and uncaring, but after a few seconds she could not restrain her curiosity any longer and rushed to the windows. Her jaw dropped. “What did you do to my house?!”
I glanced out the window as well, taking in the rather impressive sight. Rainbow’s oversized cloud house had been completely redone in Twilight’s colors, and her cutie mark was prominently stamped on the side of the building. The final touch was the huge, shimmering banner that declared in massive letters, ‘Princess Twilight Sparkle is 35% more awesome than I am!’
While Rainbow stared at her home in utter dismay, the princess grinned at her, looking almost fiendish. “You would be surprised to learn how many pranks I can do with all the magic I have at my disposal.”
Rainbow was positively trembling with anger. “Oh, that does it! Nopony messes with my house! You want a prank war? Fine! Let’s have a prank war!” She pulled out a gem of her own, which I instantly recognized as Star’s work. “I was hoping I wouldn’t have to use this, but it’s on now!”
I frowned, stepping forward to place myself between the princess and the prankster. “Rainbow, you did promise not to prank us. I think perhaps it would be best if—”
“She went after my house!” Rainbow shouted, crushing her own gem underhoof. Then she grinned triumphantly at the both of us. “Besides, it's the brat duo who are pranking you. I was just carrying one of Star’s tracking gems, the same way anypony who spends any time around her does. Sparkler’s always got at least three of them on her. How was I supposed to know Star would use my gem for a target lock?”
I wonder what Pinkie Pie would think of abusing loopholes in the Pinkie Promise. I suppose we would find out soon enough. I also heard Her Highness growl something under her breath about writing up an airtight Pinkie Promise for future usage.
Rainbow’s grin nearly took in her ears, but as her eyes lingered on one of the bookshelves, she paused, and a brief flicker of concern passed over her face. Then she quickly asked, “You do have some kinda waterproofing spell on all your books and stuff, right?”
“Yes,” Twilight answered almost on reflex. A moment later, her eyes widened in dismay. “Wait, why would you need to ask—”
The rest of her question quickly became moot as a massive torrent of liquid hit the room of the library. At first I thought she must be attacking us with a sudden rainstorm or the like. Then I looked out the window and saw that the rain looked entirely too colorful for it to be simple water. Apparently she had redirected one of her liquid rainbow waterfalls so that it would deposit its contents directly on top of the library.
Rainbow fell onto her back, all six of her limbs twitching as she laughed wildly. Her Highness, however, was far less amused. While the defensive spells on the tree had prevented any property damage, the entire outside of the tree now had an almost blinding rainbow glow, and the liquid had settled into a shallow trench around the library itself, creating something that almost looked like a moat. The ground around the library was likely so heavily saturated that everypony who visited the library for the rest of the day would be leaving behind rainbow-colored hoofprints.
The princess fixed Rainbow with a deadly serious glare, her teeth clenched. “You three realize, of course, that this means war.”
Rainbow pulled herself off the floor, meeting Twilight’s glare with a confident, almost eager smirk. “Yeah, well, you heard what I said. Bring. It. On.” With each word she flapped a bit closer, all but daring Twilight to act against her.
“Oh, I will.” She stepped forward, meeting Rainbow’s unspoken dare. “I am going to destroy all three of you.”
“We'll see.” Rainbow took off and zipped out the door, shutting it behind her.
Her Highness glowered after the retreating pegasus for some time, as if she could strike the mare down just by focusing antipathy towards her. Finally she shook her head, then turned to face me. “Remember when I said I had a few ideas for pranks that I thought might be going a bit too far?” She trotted over to one of her private bookshelves and pulled out a few books, then reached back and pushed against a hidden switch. Her secret compartment opened up, and she carefully extracted a bundle of scrolls wrapped in black ribbon. “I think it’s time to revisit those plans.”
I knew my princess well enough to be concerned by this considerable escalation of the conflict, but it was still my duty to serve her. And perhaps I was merely being overly concerned; her plans to avenge herself upon my sister, Rainbow Dash, and Sparkler might well be entirely reasonable. And in any case, having her prepare for a prank war would be good practice for dealing with actual threats. “Very well, then. Brief me, Highness.” I paused, glancing out the window. “Though perhaps we should take appropriate measures to ensure that the library will not be flooded with liquid rainbow first. Not that I doubt your wards, but in all likelihood, Star and the others will be looking for some way to cancel out your magic. It is by far your greatest advantage in any conflict with them.”
Twilight sighed and worked a few spells, deepening the trench which held the liquid rainbow and building up an embankment around the library. “There, that should handle it. Since the books are protected against anything short of direct magical assault, they should be fine. Even if some of the liquid gets in, it won’t be any worse than that time the whole town was corrupted with evil magic.”
“Which time, Highness?”
Her Highness blinked a few times, then groaned and massaged her temples. “There is something seriously wrong with my life when that’s a question that needs to be asked.”
“I could not say if there was anything wrong with your life, Princess.” Twilight did seem cursed to live in interesting times. I was somewhat surprised the locals had not objected to the fact that the town had been devastated and rebuilt several times since Her Highness first moved here. It seemed that the library was the only building that had not been leveled or at least severely damaged in the last few years. Though given how promptly the repairs were always completed, perhaps the locals were simply used to such tribulations by now.
The princess covered all the windows then enclosed the room in a magic circle and put a privacy spell over both of us before slowly opening the scrolls. “There is going to be a reckoning. I tried to be nice and tolerant about the pranks, but nooo. They just had to keep pushing it...”
I considered cautioning her that she was ranting again, but decided against it. In truth, I largely agreed with her sentiments. “I think the three of them are past due for a bit of well-earned retribution.” I waved at her scrolls. “What did you have in mind?”
Twilight carefully unfurled each scroll, setting them all down on the floor, as it was the only place large enough to hold them all. The scrolls were numbered, each one presumably outlining a specific prank or phases in some grand plan. “Have a look for yourself.”
I dutifully did so, beginning with scroll number one and working my way through the list. The first scroll gave a general overview of her plans and objectives for ‘Operation Evil Pranksters Must Suffer!’ From there, she outlined all twenty-seven phases of the two hundred forty three part plan to win the prank war. It would seem that Her Highness is not a believer in the KISS principle. Simple plans have fewer things that can go wrong. “These plans are incredibly detailed, Princess.”
Twilight beamed, clearly taking my remark as a compliment. “I know!” She clapped her hooves a few times, grinning down at the plan. “It took me all night to finish, but who needs sleep when I have something this important to work on? It was all worth it to get this plan finished. I'm really proud of how it all comes together at the end.”
“But of course, Highness.” My eyes drifted to the last section of the scroll, which seemed to consist of diagrams that made my eyes sting whenever I looked at them and text that was a mixture of Old Pegasopolan and Old Unicornian. Matters were not helped by the fact that it was written entirely in crayon. “I must confess I have a few small concerns I would like to address before we implement it.”
The princess waved her hooves impatiently. “Yes, there are a few instances where the time windows aren't as wide as I would like. That just means we have to move quickly.”
“Of course, Princess.” I decided to start with one of the simpler problems, and work my way up. “Phase Five relies on a functioning sarcasm detector in order to work. I feel compelled to point out that your prototype lasted less than five minutes before it melted.” I helpfully pointed the remnants of the device. “I have no idea why it broke so quickly.” The twisted mass of wires and circuits let out a feeble groan of protest.
Twilight shot a strained smile at the machine and let out a nervous giggle. “Uh, you're working like a charm, aren't you sarcasm detector?” Despite the fact that it contained no flammable components, the device somehow caught fire. The princess quickly grabbed a fire extinguisher and put it out. “I don’t even remember why I built that in the first place.”
“I am sure you had a perfectly good reason, Highness.” I cannot imagine what it would be, but Her Highness always has her reasons. “Moving on, I must question where we will find enough lederhosen to execute Phase Eleven on such short notice. Pinkie Pie might be an option, but I think she would be inclined to take Rainbow Dash’s side in a protracted prank war.” Not to mention her face had featured prominently in one of the diagrams in Phase Twenty-Seven.
“Oh, that’ll be easy,” she assured me. “Rarity has plenty of contacts in the fashion industry, I’m sure she could set that up; I’ll just owe her a favor or two afterwards. No big deal.”
“Of course, Highness.” I paused, taking a deep breath and carefully composing myself before moving to one of the more hazardous aspects of her plan. “While I do not think it to be so, some ponies might regard Phase Seventeen as an abuse of your royal power.”
“Says the pony who’s always saying I should use my royal power more often,” Her Highness groused, shooting a playful glare my way. “What’s the point of being a princess if I can’t actually stretch my wings every once in a while?”
I held a steady gaze, not challenging her, but also not conceding the matter. “Perhaps we could find a less controversial way to accomplish the same goal?”
The princess sighed and impatiently waved my objections away. “Fine, fine, we’ll look into alternatives that won’t permanently alter the Ponyville skyline, though I still say it would be an improvement in the long term. But no matter what else we have to cut, Phase Twenty-Four stays.”
“Yes ... Phase Twenty-Four.” I pursed my lips as I regarded the section, written in what I devoutly hoped was just red-brown ink. “If I might speak bluntly, I am amazed that the actions you suggest in that phase are not illegal. It inclines me to think that the relevant statutes should be updated as soon as possible.”
Twilight’s smile grew almost disturbingly wide, and one of her ears started twitching madly. “Oh don’t worry, I checked my law books last night, and that loophole is still wiiide open. Though we should probably do something about that after I get back at those three.”
“That would be prudent,” I remarked dryly. At that point I was beginning to grasp Her Highness’s current mood, and decided to move on to the largest issues of the current plan in the hope that her sanity might reassert itself given the proper stimuli. “And finally, we have Phase Twenty-seven.” I quickly averted my eyes from the scroll in question. “I think the problems with that are rather self-evident.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The princess faced the scroll, and one of her eyes began spasming slightly when she looked at it for too long. I hastily interposed a wing between her and the scroll before she could expose herself to it any more than she already had.
I attempted to keep my tone as even and reasonable as possible. “I have not read much in the way of Old Pegasopolan or Old Unicornian since I graduated, but assuming I have translated all the relevant passages correctly, I believe that Princess Luna will likely object to it. I have heard she is rather fond of the moon.”
“We can fix that later,” she assured me with a dismissive wave. “All I need to do is invent an explosion-reversal spell. That won’t be hard at all.” She tried to maneuver past my wing to get another look at the scroll, but I resolutely denied her access. “I thought I had a formula for the spell written down, but I did come up with that part while I was half-asleep and only running on caffeine, so...”
I regarded the princess levelly. “Yes, most plans that involve destroying a major celestial body just to win a pranking contest do involve some level of some impaired judgement.”
The princess scoffed. “Oh, what's one more apocalypse on top of the pile? Besides, maybe Luna hates the moon after being imprisoned there for a thousand years. Or maybe it’s like when Rainbow smashed Applejack’s barn so she could build a new, better one. This is the perfect chance for Luna to make a better moon!”
I suppose that was theoretically possible, but it seemed rather unlikely. It was certainly a thin line of reasoning upon which to destroy the moon, especially considering the extremely low stakes of the conflict with my sister and her allies. “Be that as it may, Highness, might I suggest we replace that phase of the plan with something less...” I desperately struggled to find an appropriate term, ignoring the small voice in the back of my mind that kept suggesting that ‘insane’ would do nicely. Finally, I settled on, “Ambitious?”
“I know what I'm doing,” she brusquely assured me.
I repressed the urge to sigh and apply my hoof to my face. “Of course you do, Highness.”
The princess nodded, seeming quite satisfied with my answer. “Now if you don't have any other issues with my plan, I’d like to get started on laying the groundwork for Phase One...”
“I have nothing more to say on the matter at this time, Highness.” Judging by her current state, any further words on the matter would be wasted in any case. “Shall I secure some breakfast while you plan?”
Her Highness answered with a distracted nod, occupying herself with putting away the rest of her scrolls before focusing exclusively on the first one. “Yes, food would be good. We have a long day ahead of us and so much to do.” She grinned and opened up the door to her basement laboratory, trotting down the stairs. “Now where did I put my aether modification rod?”
While Her Highness busied herself her plans, I made for the kitchens. As I had hoped would be the case, Spike was present and engaged in preparing our breakfast. The dragon greeted me with a slightly nervous smile. “Oh, hey, Storm. I'm not messing with the food, promise!” He quickly showed me that the eggs, toast, and haybacon were all precisely as they should be. “You don’t need to keep an eye on me or anything while I’m cooking, okay? I learned my lesson, and I definitely don't wanna get even more grounded than I already am.”
I waved his assurances away. “I believe you, but that is not why I am here.” The dragon frowned at me, waiting for an explanation. “Take a letter, if you would please...”
I made my way down to the basement a few minutes later, carrying two plates loaded down with a larger breakfast than normal. Twilight would appreciate the extra food, given that she had missed a night’s sleep. I have always found that sleep deprivation leaves me with a larger appetite, presumably on account of my body trying to compensate by gaining new energy through other means.
Her Highness had been quite busy in my absence. She had already pulled out and powered on some large device the likes of which I had never seen before. As she trotted about it checking connections and making adjustments, the princess whistled a cheerful tune to herself, seeming quite oblivious to the world at large.
I politely cleared my throat to gain her attention. “Breakfast is served, Highness. It looks to be an especially fine meal; Spike has been working very hard to redeem himself.”
The princess barely looked up from her work. “That smells great, I’ll have to remember to thank him for it later.” She pulled out a notepad and jotted down a quick reminder. “Just put it to the side for now, please. I'll get to it in a moment.”
I had hoped that the food might occupy Twilight long enough for the rest of my plan to come to fruition. Though Phase One was a relatively straightforward and reasonable plan, it would be much easier to dissuade her if we did so before her plans built up momentum. “Highness, you will be able to better execute your righteous vengeance against your enemies on a full stomach. And it is healthier if you eat properly.”
Twilight sighed, then smiled tiredly. “Always looking out for me, aren’t you?” She trotted over and gave me a quick hug, which was somewhat surprising but not at all unwelcome. “Thanks.” She held the hug for several seconds, then slowly released me. “Someday I'm going to create or find a spell that lets me do without all those little things. Imagine how much more work I could get done if I never needed to take breaks, sleep, eat, or use the bathroom!”
“But until you manage such a feat, you still need to eat.” I pointedly set the tray down in front of her. It was undoubtedly a very good thing that Her Highness had an active social life that required her to regularly leave the library. Otherwise nothing short of direct force would be able to remove her from her books should she invent such a spell.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yes, yes, you’ve made your point...” She quickly swallowed a bite of toast. “See? I’m eating. Are you happy now?”
“Ecstatic.” I settled in next to her and began dutifully eating my own meal. While I took the time to enjoy Spike’s cooking, the princess was almost frantically shoveling the food into her mouth, only pausing to jot a few things down on her notepad. I pointedly cleared my throat, then made a show displaying proper table manners for refined company. The princess grumbled under her breath, but slowed her pace to something that would at least not actively shame me if it were seen in public.
Thankfully, her reduced pace bought the needed time for my plans to come to fruition. Just as Her Highness was soaking up the last of her eggs with her toast, there was a loud knock upon the front door. The princess frowned and quickly checked her spells. “Well, it’s not one of those three, so it should be safe. Probably just somepony who wants to use the library.” Her ears perked up and she rose from her seat. “Maybe it’s somepony who can help me deal with them. Let’s go see who it is.”
I followed Her Highness as she trotted up the stair and threw open the door. “Hello, welcome to—” She froze, her eyes wide in shock. “P-Princess Celestia! What are you doing here?” She blinked, then quickly shook her head. “N-not that it’s not great to see you again, I just...”
Princess Celestia answered her with a gentle, reassuring smile. “It’s quite alright, Princess Twilight. Though I would prefer if we dispensed with formality. Titles can get tiring very quickly. May I come in for a minute?”
“Oh! Of course!” From the nervous flush on Her Highness’s cheeks, I surmised that despite their legal equality now, in her heart Twilight still saw herself as Celestia’s student, not her peer. Perhaps that would change as she grew accustomed to her crown, but it would not happen on this day. “I didn't know you were coming!” She looked over the all but immaculate library. “This place is a wreck, I'm so sorry! Here, let me clean up ... er, everything!”
Princess Celestia quickly lifted a hoof to forestall the impending flurry of cleaning spells. “It's quite alright, Twilight. The library looks wonderful, and this is only a short visit.” She paused, then pointedly looked at the liquid rainbow coating the outside of the library and pooled around it. “Though it seems you have been experiencing some rather interesting times lately.”
“Oh, that’s nothing worth worrying about,” Twilight hastily reassured her, a forced smile straining her face. “It was just a tiny little prank.”
Princess Celestia’s eyes sparkled, and a distinctly mischievous smile graced her lips. “Oh, it was a prank, was it? Well well well...”
“It is entirely my fault, Princess Celestia,” I volunteered. “My sister and I have always had a sibling rivalry, and when she decided to prank me, Her Highness became involved. Then Rainbow Dash took an interest, and matters have since escalated. Rainbow intends to prove that she is the greatest prankster in Equestria, and will not leave off until Her Highness concedes as such.”
“Oh is that what happened?” The supreme ruler of Equestria’s grin continued to steadily grow. “Well, I can think of a few who might dispute her claim to that title.”
Twilight smiled sheepishly. “I maaay have been planning on trying to beat her at her own game.”
Princess Celestia nodded approvingly. “Well, let's have a look then. You might not be my student anymore, but I'm sure you won't mind indulging my curiosity for a bit. I was something of a prankster in my own youth, so I might even have a little bit of advice.”
There was a hint of a nervous squeak in Twilight’s voice. “I already have all two hundred forty three stages of the plan fully outlined and divided into twenty-seven phases.” She quickly levitated her bundle of scrolls over to the other princess, a hopeful yet frightened grin on her face.
As Princess Celestia read over her former student’s slow descent into borderline madness, I silently pleaded for her to spare Twilight’s dignity. I had left my letter to Celestia vague for precisely that reason; however flawed Twilight’s plan might be, she would be utterly crushed if Celestia disapproved of it. My princess had not yet escaped from beneath her mentor’s shadow. Princess Celestia’s eyes briefly flicked to me, and she offered a nod so shallow that it might not have happened at all.
Celestia then turned to Her Highness, smiling approvingly. “This is an outstanding plan. The level of detail you’ve put into it is absolutely incredible, Twilight.” The princess’s answering smile was heartwarming. “That said, I do see one or two areas where I could make a small improvement to your design.” She produced a quill. “If you don’t mind, of course.”
“Of course not!” Twilight answered eagerly, quickly securing an inkpot for her fellow princess. “You’re more than welcome to give me as much advice as you want.”
“Thank you, Twilight.” Princess Celestia promptly set to work on Twilight’s plan, all but discarding everything beyond the very early stages. Thankfully, a few of Her Highness’s early plans proved salvageable with only minimal modifications, or none at all. “How does that look?”
Twilight frowned, carefully looking it over. “Well, this does seem a lot more concise than what I had in mind, but it does address all those issues Storm brought up. I really hate to lose some of my later plans, though. I was looking forward to Phase Twenty-One...”
“It was certainly ... unique,” Celestia allowed. “Still, perhaps that was for the best. Luna would be rather upset by Phase Twenty-Seven, and Phase Twenty-Four has brought a few legal issues to my attention. But let’s not dwell on that.” She leaned forward, meeting Her Highness’s eyes with a conspiratorial grin. “Well then, shall we get to it?”
Twilight responded in kind. “No time like the present.”
I felt a fierce pulse of pride as I saw the two princesses begin laying the groundwork for their counterattack. My sister and her friends had made a grave error when they decided to mess with my princess.
Sparkler was the first one to give up. She trotted up to the edge of Her Highness’s wards, a glowing orb slowly orbiting around her head. Judging by the white flag she had improvised out of a piece of wood and a bedsheet, she’d reached her breaking point.
Princess Twilight and I trotted out to meet her. As we drew nearer, I could make out more details of the young mare’s appearance. There were dark circles under her eyes, her mane was in disarray, and she seemed to have developed a nervous tic. Her eyes constantly remained on the orb, as if waiting for an attack that could come at any moment. Which, to be fair, was precisely what the orb would do.
Sparkler visibly relaxed once the two of us were standing before her, just inside the protective circle of Her Highness’s wards on the library. “I just wanna say, you guys are—”
“HEY!” the orb shrieked at her.
“Gyah!” Sparkler jumped in shock, then glowered balefully the orb. “Every time, every feathering time I start to let my guard down just a bit, it starts going—”
“HEY!” the orb helpfully supplied again.
“Well, that is what I ordered it to do.” There was just a touch of smugness in Twilight’s voice.
“N’that’s why you’re an evil, evil mare,” the teenager groused. “So what’s it gonna take to make this thing—”
“HEY!”
“Shut UP!” Sparkler shrieked at the glowing ball. The orb’s response was entirely predictable. The young mare tried to take a moment to compose herself, but the instant she started calming down the ball shouted at her again, completely ruining her concentration. “AAUUGH!”
Miss Pie—Pinkie, stuck her head out of a nearby door. “Gee, Sparkler, maybe you just need to listen to what it wants to say?”
Sparkler took a deep breath and continued as calmly as she could manage in her rattled state. “Miss Pinkie? If you've ever loved my godmom as your fillyfriend, I'd like you t—
“HEY!”
Sparkler flinched away from the orb. “Okay, t’Tartarus that.” Her shoulders slumped and her head dropped low. “I give. I don’t care what you want. I surrender. I’ll swear fealty, give you my firstborn, whatever. Just make it shuddup before I completely snap and—”
“HEY!”
By this point, Sparkler was so worn down that she just kept on talking over the orb’s shouting, though we missed a few critical words due to it. “... with a motherbucking pig if I have to.” She groaned and all but lay flat on her belly. “Please?”
Her Highness nodded once. “I will accept your surrender, so long as you promise not to prank myself or Storm again unless we prank you first or give you permission. Deal?”
“Deal,” she answered instantly. Twilight dismissed the tiny spirit that had been following Sparkler, and the teenager looked almost pathetically grateful. “Thanks. M’gonna go get some sleep and just be glad ‘M not getting yelled at any—”
“HEY!”
Sparkler leapt ten feet into the air, then landed flat on her back, all four legs pointed straight up. Pinkie took one look at the results of her prank and cracked up. Her Highness and I were not far behind her.
Rainbow Dash was the next to throw in the towel, in the wee hours of the morning. Though the timing of that might have had something to do with the prank targeting her. “Hurry up and lemme in!” She whined from outside the circle, darting furtive looks at the nearby dark houses. “Come on! Somepony’s gonna see!”
After due consideration, Her Highness and I agreed to allow Rainbow admittance into the library. Rainbow darted inside the instant we opened the door and dropped the wards, slamming the door shut behind her. “Thanks.” Rainbow quickly checked to make sure it was just the three of us inside. “Now hurry up and get this crazy outfit off of me! Imagine what would happen if somepony took a picture! My reputation would be ruined!”
“And that would be terrible,” Her Highness agreed. “So you want me to get rid of the spell?”
“Yes!” Rainbow hissed. “I don’t know what you did to make these clothes stay on me no matter what I do, but I’ve tried everything! Where did you even get a dress this frilly and pink? Even Rarity would say it’s going way too far!”
“Perhaps I asked one of my old ballet friends?” I suggested archly. “In any case, I am sure you spoke with Sparkler. You know our terms. Will you accept them?”
Rainbow groaned, looked down herself, then rubbed a hoof down her muzzle. “Okay, fine, but the deal is off if I see any pictures of me dressed up in the paper? Got it? Nopony ever sees me looking like this again. Ever.”
“Deal.” Her Highness’s horn glowed. A few seconds later Rainbow let out a relieved sigh, then darted out the door. Completely unclothed, just the way she’d been when she arrived.
“Do you think she will ever realize you hit her with a modified Empress’s New Clothes spell?” I asked my princess.
“Probably not.” Her Highness slowly shook her head. “I really wish we could’ve seen the outfit she believed she was wearing. It must’ve been incredible...”
Amusingly enough, my sister had unwittingly provided us with the very tool we needed to destroy her the first time she visited the library: the tracking gem she’d planted on me.
My sister is good at making tracking gems. Very good. But her work wasn’t good enough to stand up intense scrutiny from Twilight Sparkle.
We knew the instant Twilight’s spell took effect, because the tracking gem my sister had left behind loudly announced, “Hi! I’m a tracking device! I belong to Stalker-mare, and you’re her very favorite pony to stalk!”
“And that puts us at three for three,” I concluded, quite satisfied with the outcome. It was a rare treat to see my sister humbled. It was the little things like this that made being Her Highness’s bodyguard worthwhile.
“Yes it does.” Her Highness nodded. “I’m just glad we’re done with all this prank business once and for all. I don’t know what we would’ve done without Celestia’s help.”
Before I could speculate an answer, a single severed leg opened up our front door and walked in through it. Then an eyeball fell out of the ceiling and a wing fluttered in through a window. More and more discorporated body parts entered the library until at last we were face-to-face with Discord himself. Despite the fact that the fiend was officially reformed now, I quickly placed myself between him and Her Highness. One can never be too careful in the face of such an obvious security risk.
If Discord was offended by my position, he gave no indication of it. Instead he conjured a huge chair, lounging back in it. “I just thought I should say that I am very, very hurt right now. You had a prank war on your hooves and you went to Celestia for help? When I was right here in Ponyville?” He wiped several ridiculously oversized tears from his eyes. “Everypony knows that I am the greatest prankster Equestria has ever seen. It’s not my fault some ponies just have a terrible sense of humor.”
Her Highness was not about to let her former teacher’s honor go undefended. “Celestia is twice the prankster you are!”
“Oh really?” A calculating smile crossed the draconequus’s face. “Let’s put that to the test, shall we? I’ve been itching for something fun to do lately...” He snapped his talons and promptly vanished from the library.
“Another prank war?” Twilight groaned. “But we just finished this one!”
I pointedly cleared my throat. “If I might be so bold as to offer some advice on a matter of royal policy, I think perhaps Princess Celestia is capable of defending her own honor, and our interests would be better served by remaining neutral.”
Her Highness answered my proposal with a quick grateful smile. “I knew there was a reason I made you my bodyguard.”
And that is how the Great Prank War—or at least our part in it—ended.
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This was hilarious. I love that Celestia got in on it too. Great work as always.
This was wonderfully funny. I now ship TwiStorm. That is all.
5621514 that comment and image together has my sides hurting so much. That was a well needed laugh
Called it. One does not get involved in a prank war with Twilight Sparkle.
5622180
Even if it had been, Twilight is the type that would buy the correct paint to make her the right color.
5622322
Rumors are notorious unreliable, after all.
5622762 Remember that the Kicker family thinks that Shining Armor got his position in the guard due to politics and not merit because a Kicker would obviously be superior for the position. Trash talking other rising-star guards that aren't Kickers is what they do.
Celestia and Luna vs. Discord and Pinkie? Celestia is an excellent planner, and Luna is the former Bearer of Laughter. Discord and Pinkie are... uh. Self-explanatory. I kind of want to see this Great Prank War, now.
We do need the tale of the prank war between Discord and Celestia!
Also, to try to express how much I like your work: I would buy the book, if you ever printed all the stories of this universe.
Wow, give Twilight enough of a push and she goes straight up insane. Blowing up the moon? Thank Celestia for, er, Celestia.
Hah!
5622844 You know what, that's a good point, thanks for the reminder. I hadn't really considered the source of that comment.
Excellent work, as per usual. It's always nice to see these snapshot continuations (well, to be fai,t I'm nopt sure I'd call this a "snap" shot, but you get the idea...!)
woho! sequel time!
The end of the war is rather unsatisfyingly vague... Sparkler and Dash get surrender scenes, but we're left to just infer that Star gives up sometime after Twilight does something with the tracker. Did all trackers everywhere start announcing themselves? We're given no indication of this (not even that multiple trackers left in the library started doing this), but it's the only thing I can guess to understand why it was enough to end the war.
and then they banged? Made love, mated? eight legged beast?
This story made me laugh alot. Good show! cant wait for another story about these 2.
I can't believe that Twilight would make Navi a thing... that is just unbelievably cruel.
-Ambassador of the Changelings,
Dopple Ganger
I'll give the final prank against Dash major points as it was quite clever. The the ones against Sparkler and Star were pretty iffy and seemed to cross the line a bit and are the equivalent of stop-hitting-yourself-stop-hitting-yourself.
5622762
That seemed perfectly in character for the Winningverse. Shining Armor has been nailed to the wall as well.
5625213
Yeah, I would say that's a very reasonable possibility, assuming there's any truth to the rumor at all. It's not like there needs to be any element of truth to a wild rumor.
5623814 Agreed, I'm also extremely confused on what exactly they did to Star.
5624725
Hey! Listen!
Please somebody tell me I'm not the only one who pictured Navi as the orb floating around Sparkler. Please!
5630572 That left me scratching my head for a while, too. After re-reading that last bit a couple of times, the nearest I can figure is that all of Star's tracking gems are now loudly announcing themselves to everypony she ever hid one on, not just the one she stuck on Storm, as Harwick surmised.
5631095 I know I sure did.
5623968 Did the Sleipnir Shuffle?
The orb yelling "hey", was it supposed to be like the fairy in some of the Legend of Zelda games?
5633101 Pretty sure that would constitute a war crime.
Operation Stardust? 37.media.tumblr.com/07790b7eb026cda8aed2acccc6d0dc2a/tumblr_n7byhnXv1h1r6d97so4_250.png
Very satisfying chapter and an overall great (and hilarious) story. Discord showing up at the end was the icing on the cake
This... this is a bad sign, good to see the bodyguard is sensitive to her princess's mental health issues.
Hah, now this was great indeed! Pranks are fun, but this indeed seemed to get way out of proportion fast. Luckily Celestia was there for the rescue, thanks to our heroine of this story!
Also someone absolutely needs to do the prank war between Discord and Celestia. At least a short story. That'd be epic
I still don't know what happened to Star in the end, did she also throw in the towel?
So someone finally weaponized Navi.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mablgtem0q1qffn84.gif
Fun story. As much as I love the Lunar Rebellion, I really missed this part of the verse.
Well first chapter down. Storm Kicker, Equestria's answer to Bucephalis I take it. Also... and keep in mind good Chengar this is me saying this... Storm needs to get laid, badly. Poor girls wound a little to tightly for her own good. Long Patrol and Honor Guard, I get that, but she needs the type of loosening up only a good unf can bring an individual.
Shit rolls down hill your Highness. Better then having to deal with whatever Sealed Evil in a Can or Calamity of the Week the sisters have left lying about the country wouldn't you say?
And it doesn't do squat to make the hurt any less does it Storm?
A woman after my own heart
Okay... this has kinda bugged me from the first story with Storm. I don't know how to describe it, but its like.... she views anyone outside the clan who joins the Guard as lesser. One minute she's saying she was honored to serve with her unit, the next speaking as though Captain of the Guard rank is her clan due right then something earned or wishing to grab some more glory as a blademare in Games. I doubt she's as bad as some clan members, but its bad enough. Storm should really stop trying to chase some old nags ghost and trying to be the next Shadow, and worry more about who she is. The only pony she has to better then is the one she is right now, and thats a tall enough order.
Of course, to be fair, its not like Cloud was much better. Mind you she isn't as glory wanting as Storm, but Cloud would gush about her clan all day if ponies let her. And we see a bit of the same arrogance in regards to Cadence. Cloud said a new alicorn would have been better off as on of her clan then some random mare. Its not looking down on Cadence, at least to me. Its more she thinks her clan mates would handle it better. Aa nd lets not forget the Nimbus incident. I really liked Cloud before then... Theres nothing that matters more then family fellow readers. Whatever problems she had with Nimbus, she was still the mare who raised her. The fact she hadn't refused to kill her before Rainbow talked to her speaks volumes of Cloud's soul. And all the excuses and bullshit about Alula and her family being stained by a traitor was just the floundering of the clan holds resident useful idiot
On the other hand... from what I've seen Storm would have done it in a heartbeat. And would have wounded Rainbow and Blossomforth if they tried to stop her. So... wow... I guess Cloud Kicker is the better mare
Wow... never thought I'd write that, but yeah. As much as I disliked her behavior and regression back to a clan mare (ie a quasi Shadow) Cloud will still put her hoof down if its a matter of right and wrong. Storm, conversely, is a Kicker through and through. I still like her more then Cloud.... but Cloud is a mare who draws the line then one who makes a stand.
What makes it more confusing is the two fillies parents. Tornado is brother to... oh what was her name... Storms mother. That means they were raised in the same sort of upbringing. But look how their respective children turned out: Cloud, the clans proverbial prodigal son, and Storm, the clans tin soldier. Lets hope Storm and Cloud never come to death blows, because I don't think their parents want to spend their time naming the large crater those two would leave behind
Second chapter in... Storm and Star remind me a lot of me and my brother and cousins growing up. Course with us a good show of force and a understanding brought through blows sorted out most issues. And now you have to write how Star acts around Luna.
Or your mothers a whore. Or parents really really like banging
My ire grows to such such degrees, the politest thing I can say is "Bitch please!" -Zecora
"Yeah yeah, praise bucking be and come kiss my holy rump and all that. But I swear by the prime cause of all things if any of you make another fertility mosaic of me and Luna..."Celestia
"Doth thou not miss the days of old sister? Our choice of anyone we wished, gorgeuous mares to sing to us as the most beautiful of our Guards stallions fed us grapes?"
"Luna... I'm the mommy figure for all of our little ponies. You are the mistress of the night, and all the sordid matters there in. While you were nipping somepony in the rump as they walked by, I was a chaste virginal pillar of piety. While you enjoyed our subjects company, I was made a Goddess and stuck in that be damned temple. Even now that damned cults trying to make me more then I am no matter how often I say otherwise."
"Wow... when thou puts its as such, my fall makes me seem the right and proper cunt."
"You think?"
"My ears are burning... Luna, its happened again."
"Come now dearest Tia! Whatever their uses, thy supplicants have always crafted thy golems most tastefully!"
"Luna... about a hundred years back our little began to recieve comics from a place called Neighpon... Long story short, they;ve taken to adding a holy rod of light to them."
"A rod... what does thou... what! Does thou mean... oh eww!"
"They're are even ones of Twilight about... Its scary how detailed they are."
"Can I be put back on the moon and come back when things made sense?"
...............................
And... thats all I got. Nothing to say about the third, and its nice seeing a house broken Cloud Kicker. As always, an excellent piece of writing my good sir!
Awesome little slice of life bit here, thanks for sharing it with us.
Oh, finally got around to reading this, and it was quite the treat! I'm loving these new fics that follow Storm's exploits. Sure, I miss following Cloud's POV, but Storm's an awesome character, plus she's so grounded and conservative that it's rather amusing hearing her thoughts about all the insanity that occurs in Winningverse Ponyville. Twilight's nearing Lesson Zero-levels of insanity was probably the funniest bit of the fic, at least for me, but I love the rapport between her and Storm so much. I think the one bit that I found a bit of a stretch was Spike being bribed to give Twilight meat; granted, he's had problems with greed in the past, but still, that was an unusually mean prank given that most ponies seem very uncomfortable with the idea of eating meat, especially ones like Twilight! It was a lot of fun getting to see Storm, Star, Sparkler, and Cloud together again (though I was sad that there was no Blossom
), even if Sparkler and Cloud had only really short cameos for the most part. Overall, this was a treat; hope to see more fics in the future starring Storm in her capacity as Twilight's bodyguard! She's actually quickly becoming my favorite Kicker (still alive, that is) in the Winningverse; I love Cloud, but with Storm we get a much better sense of how most Kicker's actually behave, and I never tire of following that clan's exploits. Thanks for the great read, Chengar!
Not gonna lie, I really wanna read that story, now.
derpicdn.net/img/2013/7/21/380814/full.jpg
CURSE YOU CADANCE, NOW I KNOW WHO TO BLAME FOR BRAD PONY!!!
At least Shining and Storm know mediocrity when they see it. 
41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcttm4eO9y1r3k1m8o1_500.png
Classic Cloud Kicker. Classic.
Rainbow, don't poke the bear when you already smacked it in the face with a frying pan.
Huh, so it's like...
fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/351/6/5/hey__listen__by_red_ipod-d5od3qx.gif
Oh wow, Twilight, you're a monster!
After what happened to Sparkler and Rainbow, I am very curious as to what happened to Star. Given that you held that back, I'm kinda scared to know.
Other than the last bit where Star's comeuppance is truncated, that was a lot of fun. Using Navi should be illegal though, that's tantamount to torture.
First of all, there's nothing wrong with praising the sun. We all know that Praisin' aint easy. Sunbros best covenant. Also, using Navi is cruel.
I have STILL not gotten a chance to read your other story(s)(I'm just kinda put off by how expansive(spread out) it is, ya know?), but I just love how you have built Storm Kicker as a character with the last few stories of her. Maybe one day she will get some new armor and some troops to command, eh?
I completely lost it at the Navi spell.
Should we be ready for a story of Discord pranking Tia soon? Because I'd love to read it.
Commence read.
Plenty of enjoyable laughs.
Why was this left alone in my read later pile for so long?
You don't have to speed-read to get three books in one night. You just have to be a huge nerd with no personal life and enough caffeine.
Unless those are some massive books.
GLORIOUS!! Certainly a story well worth reading! <3
Good story!
I enjoyed reading it!
To the author:
One question: What happened to Sparkler at the end?
Was it something like this?
5631096
7127861
Yup.
Hum. Well, that was good. Not as good as other stuff you have done, but good regardless.
Though honestly, I feel like 25K words for this is quite long. I wish it had been shorter.
This ran a little long, but I can't say I didn't have fun with it. Much like the latest Oncoming Storm story, it centres around a concept I don't have any inherent interest in, but the writing made it entertaining regardless. Wish we'd had another scene with Star before the end, though; we got to see the other two surrender.
The last chapter made me laugh a lot. I do love seing this side of Twilight. Rainbow and Storm were aces as well.