Twilight's bodyguard Storm Kicker faces her most dangerous and terrifying opponent: a prankster alliance between her sister, Rainbow Dash, and Sparkler.
Storm Kicker has faced many challenges as part of her duties as bodyguard to Princess Twilight Sparkle, and despite some initial difficulties, she has managed to adjust quite nicely to her new role.
That is, until she she faces the most terrifying enemy of her entire career in the Royal Guard: an unholy prankster alliance between Sparkler Doo, her own younger sister, and Ponyville's premier prankster Rainbow Dash. Can Storm and her princess face this threat and escape with their dignity intact, or will they become the laughingstock of Ponyville and all Equestria?
Despite a few initial difficulties, I had settled into a comfortable routine in my new position as Princess Twilight Sparkle’s guardian. Hopefully we would be able to move on to setting up a proper corps of bodyguards for her before too much longer; at the moment, I was still a captain without an actual company under my command. However, the princess was still adjusting to having a single protector. Until she got used to me, it seemed unwise to add more guardians.
The Princess was certainly not what I had expected. She lived in a library instead of a palace and possessed little of the royal poise which came so naturally to Princesses Celestia and Luna. Though her modesty was appealing in its own way, a part of me did wish she would present herself a bit more royally. I suppose it should have come as no surprise that she had such difficulty adjusting to my presence when she eschewed all the other trappings of her status. I had only seen her wearing her crown once in the two months since I had entered her service, and that had been for a formal event alongside Princess Celestia.
There were benefits to her modest tastes, though. My sister worked in the Lunar Guard, and I had many clanmates who had served in the Solar Guard. They all said the same things about their princesses: while Celestia and Luna were unfailingly polite, they always treated their guards with a certain professional distance. Twilight did not maintain that distance. I suspect a part of that was because she was uncomfortable with the idea of a bodyguard, and thus chose to see me as an especially protective friend instead. If that familiarity put her at ease, then so much the better.
Thus my current residence in her guest bedroom. Thankfully, Her Royal Highness Princess Twilight of the Ancient and Venerable House Sparkle did not snore.
The day began rather typically when I rose shortly before dawn. As usual, the princess was still sound asleep—she was rather fond of her late-night study sessions. She would be awake by the time I finished my morning flight and showered. The princess was very punctual about her morning routine.
My morning flight was one of my few opportunities to take in the sights of Ponyville without being at Princess Twilight’s side. The rest of my day would be spent with Her Highness as part of her ongoing efforts to become accustomed to the presence of guards. Despite the early hour, there were already plenty of ponies bustling about the town. Farmers were heading out to their fields, the weather team was working on setting everything up for sunrise, and the local bakers were preparing for the morning rush of breakfast customers.
I waved to Miss Applejack when my flight path took me over Sweet Apple Acres. To be honest, I wasn’t especially close to the farmer, but she was one of Twilight’s friends. That was not to say Applejack had been anything less than welcoming—she and the rest of the group had shown me every courtesy. However, aside from Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, whom I already knew through my cousin Cloud, Twilight’s friends treated me as a friend of a friend. The closest I had come to interacting with any of them outside of Twilight’s presence was when Cloud had taken me to the Ponyville Spa and we had crossed paths with Rarity.
I would need to get a bit more of a social life once matters with Twilight had settled down.
Once my morning flight was done, I headed for the shower. For the record, sharing a bathroom with my princess was more than a little awkward at times. Still, thus far we had avoided any unfortunate incidents.
Thus far.
I was halfway through my shower when the gem I kept around my neck started flashing. The gem had been one of the few security measures I had persuaded the princess to take. In an emergency she could silently activate it, alerting me that she was in danger and needed my help.
I knocked the bathroom door off its hinges on the way out, rushing into the princess’s study. Twilight herself was sitting at her desk. All seemed well, but she would not have activated the gem unless she was in danger. “Princess!” I leapt over her desk with a few flaps of my wings, tackling her to the floor while positioning myself protectively over her. I quickly scanned the room for threats.
“S-Storm!” Twilight’s voice was slightly muffled on account of my sodden tail resting over her face. “What are you doing?”
I flicked my tail aside so it would not impede her line of sight. “What happened, Highness? I came as soon as I could after you activated the panic gem.”
Her Highness squeaked after I moved my tail aside, then hastily repositioned herself underneath me. “Panic gem? What? I didn't do that!”
I frowned down at her, trying to make sense of it. Either there had been a false alarm, or Her Highness was under some form of coercion that prevented her from speaking freely. Thankfully, we had established a security protocol to cover that particular contingency. “Are you certain you did not call me?”
Her Highness shifted beneath me, and I realized that I was dripping quite a bit of water down onto her. The princess was also blushing rather badly. “Everything’s fine. All clear.”
Because the universe has a twisted sense of humor, Spike chose that moment to come barreling through the door. “What’s going on? I heard thumps and crashes and shouting and...” He trailed off, staring at the two of us. The young dragon stared wide-eyed at the two of us and rapidly drew the wrong conclusion. “Uh ... I’m-gonna-go-to-Rarity’s-now-bye!” He slammed the door behind him, fleeing the premises.
The slamming door jolted me out of my shock and made me quite cognizant of the fact that, to somepony unaware of the broader context, my position with the princess might seem rather compromising. I hastily removed myself from above her, then helped her back to her hooves. Her blush was quite intense by now, but I did my best not to call any attention to it. “I suppose we will have to explain what happened to him later.”
“Er ... right.” Twilight cleared her throat and rubbed her face, which cleared up most of the blush. “Right, what happened. Which was nothing. Nothing that would require me to explain things I would rather not to Spike—considering he is still a baby, by dragon standards, anyways. So, um, nothing to panic about in here. I did use that gem I gave you, but I just wanted to see if you felt like going out for brunch instead of eating in.” She coughed and averted her eyes from me. “Sorry, I didn't mean to call you when you were, um, wet.”
There was rather large puddle where the two of us had been standing, and the princess herself was rather damp. I fear I had made a mess of whatever was on her desk, too. “There is nothing to apologize for, Highness. I must have mistaken a casual summons for the emergency code.” There was no way I could possibly have done so, but I saw no harm in letting her save face. “The red one is the emergency gem, correct?”
Unfortunately, the princess was sharp enough to catch my polite stretching of the truth. “I thought I only gave you a red gem?”
“That's correct,” I reluctantly allowed.
“Oh.” She sighed and used a spell to dry herself off. “I guess we had a bit of a mix-up on what that gem was for. I told you it was so I could call you in when I needed you, and you thought it was so I could call you in when I needed you.”
“So it seems.”
“Oh. Oops.”
“I am sure the mistake was entirely my fault, Princess.”
“No no, I messed up too.” She shuffled on her hooves, staring down at the freshly dampened floor. “Err, perhaps we should see about having one gem for casual summons and another for emergencies?”
“That seems like a prudent measure to take for the future,” I agreed.
“So...” The princess awkwardly rubbed her foreleg, refusing to meet my eyes.
“Quite,” I agreed.
“You probably want to finish your shower then, don’t you?” She let out a nervous chuckle. “I mean, it’s your normal shower time, and you’ve still got shampoo in your mane and your tail was wet and so was the rest of you, because of course you would be wet because you were right in the middle of a shower and ponies tend to get wet in the shower because that’s the entire point of being in the shower and it seems like you really ran out of there in a hurry so you’d probably like to go back and finish that up because you’re still all wet and I might have seen some things I shouldn’t have while I was underneath you and I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that but right now my mouth seems to have a mind of its own and I can’t stop talking because I do that when I’m nervous and you should probably leave and go back to the shower before I say something that makes this awkward.” She coughed and offered the most strained, uncomfortable smile I have ever seen in my life.
Oh, it was far too late to avoid awkwardness.
Instead, I opted to seek as graceful of an exit as I could manage under the circumstances. That would make it far easier for both of us to pretend this entire incident had never happened. “I apologize for any inconvenience I might have caused you, Highness. If you will excuse me...” I motioned towards the bathroom door, which was now hanging half off its hinges due to my hasty exit.
“Oh. Yes, of course.” She shuffled, her eyes nervously flicking around the room until they fell upon her disordered desk and the rather large puddle I had left behind. “I’ll just clean up out here while you clean up in there. Not that I’m saying you’re dirty or anything, but—” She hastily shoved one of her hooves into her mouth to prevent any further verbal outbursts, and instead focused her efforts on casting cleaning spells.
Her Highness has always been a very fast learner.
I stepped into bathroom, shutting the damaged door as best I could. That was not anywhere near as much as I would like, but it should be enough to preserve my dignity, especially since the shower curtain was still intact. I decided to take advantage of the one positive aspect of this situation and continued the conversation. “So what did you want to speak about, Highness?”
Twilight was a long time answering. Likely she was a bit ill at ease with having a conversation through a damaged bathroom door. I suppose it was less than strictly proper, but my time in the Long Patrol had tempered my own sense of propriety with a certain degree of pragmatism. In the end, Twilight reached the same conclusion. Or perhaps she simply multi-tasked to ensure our day would not fall behind schedule. “Oh, I just wanted to talk about a few minor things. Like the schedule for next month.”
“Very good then, Highness.” I turned the shower back on, giving the water a few seconds to heat up before I re-entered it. “Was there anything in particular you wished to discuss, or just a general meeting?”
“Nothing major.” A towel floated over to the bathroom sink and wrung itself out. “I was going to need to visit a few places. Mixture of showing the flag, dealing with real issues, and some ceremonial stuff. Plus a couple trips with my friends. I just wanted to make sure none of it would get in the way of your plans.”
“I do not anticipate any problems.” Considering my duties required me to be at Her Highness’s side, I generally did not make many plans of my own. That would be one nice thing about expanding Twilight’s personal guard: I could have proper off-hours and vacation time. It would be nice to visit my family again. Which reminded me... “My sister mentioned that she might visit Ponyville some time this month.”
Her Highness seemed pleased by the news, judging from her tone. “Alright then. It’ll be nice to meet her. Well, I’ve met her before, but that was just in passing and I was meeting her as Cloud’s cousin, not as my bodyguard’s sister. It’s ... different, I guess. Still, I’m looking forward to it.”
Clearly her Highness was not familiar with Star if she was looking forward to the visit. That is not to say I disliked my sister—I loved her—but she had a bit of mischievous streak that often showed itself in finding ways to cause trouble for her big sister.
“When was she going to be visiting?” Her Highness asked.
“She did not say. She would have to get leave from the Lunar Guard first.”
Even though I could not see her, I could just imagine Twilight’s lips pursing in annoyance. She has never liked unknown variables in her schedules. “I suppose I could write to Princess Luna and ask for some idea of when that will happen.” I heard a quill scratching on parchment. No doubt Her Highness had made a checklist for our conversation. “Anyway, I would like to look into making some special armor for you. If you’re going to be the captain of my guard you should have something nicer than standard-issue, and I've been wanting to do a big enchanting project since I became a princess. A chance to really stretch my wings, as it were.”
That certainly caught my attention. If Her Highness wanted to make a suit of armor especially for me... “I would be honored to receive such a fine gift from you, Twilight.”
“Oh, it’s not that big of a deal,” she answered modestly. “Besides, I’ll probably have a lot of fun making it. I just hope you don’t mind testing out a few prototypes before I finish it. After all, I’ve never made a suit of armor before. Don’t worry, I’ll work it all out pretty quickly.”
“I have no doubt of that, Highness.” I applied fresh shampoo to my mane and tail, working it in with my hooves. “Was there anything else?”
“Nothing I needed to bring up.” The door’s damaged hinges let out a loud squeal as she used a repair spell on them. “Was there anything you wanted to get done this month? I’ve got some spare room in my schedule.”
Judging by what I had seen of last month’s schedule, that was something of an understatement. Much as Her Highness loved to put her life in order, she was aware that her friends were somewhat more chaotic. Thus, the long blocks of time set aside for ‘Pinkie Pie does something weird’ and ‘Help one of my friends with some minor crisis.’
I thought on my plans while rinsing my mane. “Nothing for this coming month, but the Equestria Games are coming up. I already qualified in Canterlot for fencing, so I would like to participate. I hope that will not be a problem, since you will be attending the games regardless.” The clan really wanted to take home the fencing medal this year: Aunt Nimbus had won it back in her prime, so winning it again seemed a fitting tribute to her. I had been rather relieved when Cloud qualified for the relay—I am a better, or at least more practiced, bladesmare than she, but I do not know if I would have had the heart to beat her in a battle dedicated to honoring her mother.
“Of course I don’t mind.” Twilight paused for several seconds. “I don’t suppose there’s any way we could change your registration from Canterlot to Ponyville? If you don’t mind, that is. I’d just really like to see Ponyville win as many medals as we can this year. It is my adopted hometown, after all.”
“So long as I can compete, I do not mind.” Canterlot might be the closest thing I had to a hometown, but I was not so attached to it that I would refuse to compete for any other city. And it would please Her Highness.
That much was evident from her response. I did not need to see her to know that she was smiling. “Great! Anything else?”
“There was one other matter.” I had been planning to raise the matter at an opportune time, and right after granting Twilight a favor seemed a fine one. “I was intending to look into adding that special storage drawer to the refrigerator which we could use to hold some meat.”
There was an almost painfully long silence before she finally answered. “Right. Meat. I guess you really did get a taste for that stuff while you were in the Long Patrol, didn’t you?” I could hear her hooves nervously scuffing along the carpet. “Um, can I ask what types of meat?”
I tilted my head back, letting the water run down my mane. “A fair variety. Nothing sentient, of course.”
“Right, of course.” Her Highness let out a nervous giggle. “I hope none of it’s from a species Fluttershy takes care of, or you might wind up on the receiving end of The Stare. Where do you even buy that type of stuff?”
“There were a few specialty shops in Canterlot.” Most major cities had at least one such establishment to cater to visiting gryphons and other omnivorous species, as well as the occasional oddball such as myself. “I will likely have to mail-order it now that I am in Ponyville, but one does what one must.”
“Right, of course.” I was all too familiar with the strained tone in Her Highness’s voice. Most ponies are not quite sure what to make of a pony who isn’t a vegetarian. “Well, okay, we can see about setting up some storage for your ... special dietary interests. Is that all?”
“That will be all. Thank you very much, Princess.” I turned off the shower, but when I reached out for a fresh towel, the rack was empty. No surprise, when Twilight had been mopping up all the puddles I had left behind in my rather abrupt exit. “Highness, could you please pass me a fresh towel?”
“Oh, of course.” The bathroom door creaked open, the freshly-repaired hinges whining in protest. A second later, a towel wreathed in Twilight’s magic floated into my waiting hooves.
I set about drying off as quickly as I could. “Was there anything else you wanted to discuss?”
The princess cleared her throat outside the bathroom door. “Well, I was originally going to ask about going out for brunch. Since we seem to have frightened off Spike, he’s obviously not going to be cooking for us, so that’s just another reason to go through with it.”
“True.” I checked my appearance in the mirror; my mane and tail both still needed to be brushed out, but otherwise I looked perfectly presentable. “Did you have anywhere in mind?”
“There is the Golden Oat.” Once more I could hear a quill scratching on parchment as she updated her list. “I haven't been there in a while, and they make really nice pancakes.”
“As you wish, Highness.” I frowned at my reflection. “I suppose I will need to finish freshening up, then.” My appearance reflected upon Her Highness when we were in public, so it was of the utmost importance that I always looked my best.
“Oh! Right.” I heard an awkward chuckle through the door. “I’ve still got a bit of bed-mane too. I should do something about that. Er, would you like some help with yourself? You know, since I can use magic and...” She trailed off uncertainly. “No, of course not. You can take care of yourself. I don’t even know why I asked that. You’re a grown mare. It was silly of me to—”
“I would not mind.” Normally I would not have interrupted Her Highness, but in this case sparing her feelings seemed more important than minor points of decorum.
“Oh.” The door slowly groaned open and Twilight entered, a manebrush floating along behind her. “Well ... alright, then. I guess I’ll do that.”
She hesitated for a heartbeat, then trotted in. I didn’t have too much to fix, as my mane was much closer-cropped than Her Highness’s civilian manecut. I sat stock-still as she worked, much like I would during an inspection. It proved somewhat more difficult than normal to remain still as the bristles tickled my scalp and neck.
It only took a few strokes to put everything in place, but Her Highness seemed to have her own routine. I almost spoke up and thanked her right there, but stopped myself at the last second and let her work. I didn’t see the need for the additional twenty-five brushstrokes, but Princess Twilight had made the offer. It would be even more wrong to ask her to stop, so I didn’t. Perhaps a certain number of strokes was part of her routine? And the experience itself was not unpleasant.
When she put the brush aside, I checked the mirror and was satisfied with what I saw. My mane was restored to its proper order. No, it was actually better than that, pushed down more than I could usually get it. I suspected it would help me avoid helmet-mane later in the day. “Thank you, Highness. All I need to do now if get dressed, if you would not mind...”
“Oh, right.” Twilight’s cheeks flushed. “Your armor’s on its stand in my study. I borrowed it to take a few preliminary measurements for my project. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Not at all, Princess.” I trotted out and strapped my plate on with the ease of familiarity. As with many other aspects of her personal guards, Twilight had not yet decided on a color scheme. Thus, my armor remained the blood red of the Kicker Clan. Though I would rather have something that reflected my status as Twilight’s guardian, wearing my clan’s colors suited me well enough for the moment.
Once I was properly dressed, Her Highness led the way to The Golden Oat. The two of us took a seat in the outdoor area since it was a pleasantly sunny day. Amusingly, our seats provided an excellent view of the mare responsible for that, as Rainbow had selected one of the nearby clouds for her customary late-morning nap.
I held out a chair for the princess, then seated myself once she was comfortable. As part of her continuing stubborn efforts to treat me as her friend instead of her bodyguard, Her Highness insisted on retrieving menus for the both of us. “Just about everything is good, so I can’t really recommend anything in particular. Just get whatever you want. My treat.”
I smiled and began looking over the menu. “Thank you, Highness.”
“Not a problem.” She returned my smile. “It would be a bit rude of me to invite you out, then make you pay. Besides, your salary comes out of my royal stipend, so you can just think of this as a bonus for doing such a good job of putting up with me.” She sighed, staring down at her hooves. “I know I was a bit ... difficult at first.”
“I was not on my best behavior either.” When I had first entered her service, Her Highness resented my intrusive presence disrupting her comfortable routine, and I might have made one or two comments about a certain lack of royal decorum. Thankfully, those initial difficulties had only been a temporary issue. Narrowly escaping from a murderous rogue golem made for a most unique bonding experience.
“I hope I haven't been causing you too many problems.” She set her menu down, evidently satisfied with her choice. “I know I need a royal protector now that I’m a princess, but there honestly aren’t too many things for you to protect me from. It’s normally peaceful here in Ponyville. Well, unless you count the yearly crisis where all of Equestria might be doomed, plus all the times when life takes a bizarre turn.” She offered a sheepish, apologetic grin. “Er, sorry about all those bee stings, by the way. At least Fluttershy finally convinced the bees to accept a deal and end their strike. I know it seemed kind of silly, but that really was important. We would have to import a lot more sugar from Freeport if the bees stopped working, and that would’ve made all our sweets more expensive.”
I waved her apology away. “A few bee stings are a small price to ensure that everypony can have reasonably priced pastries and candy. Zecora's remedy dealt with my injuries quickly enough.” Facing bees was not exactly what most ponies who join the Guard dream of doing when they speak of sacrificing themselves for Equestria, but duty comes in many forms. My old captain in the Patrol once mentioned his CO going on a ‘mystical vision quest’ with one of the buffalo leaders, which ended with them both running naked through the desert with all of their hair shaved off.
Her Highness smiled in relief. “I’m glad you’re doing alright. After that one incident with Pinkie, I’m quite aware of just how unpleasant bee stings can be.” She sighed, her ears drooping as she looked over her menu. “I really need to make some time to study more with Zecora. I know she has all kinds of alchemical tricks that aren’t in any of my books.”
“I am sure you will not have any trouble learning the art, Highness.” I tried to make my tone subtly reassuring. “Alchemy is simply a matter of scientific experimentation and careful study. Those are both activities you excel at.”
“That’s true, and I am working on it.” Her easy smile returned, but only for a moment. “It’s a shame I don’t have as much time for studying as I used to.”
“A princess has many obligations on her time that a student does not.”
“You’re telling me.” She groaned, setting her menu aside for the moment. “I'm actually starting to get sick of paperwork, and I loved paperwork! I just ... sometimes it feels like Celestia’s handing me all the duties that require a princess, but she doesn’t want to take care of herself. Meeting with stuck-up nobles, mediating disputes, things like that. I spent three hours yesterday listening to two farmers argue over a pig. A pig!”
A faint smile crossed my lips as a relevant memory sprang to mind. “I recall suffering through something similar when I was the youngest lieutenant in my Patrol group. My platoon always received the less glamorous assignments. However, once I proved myself and gained a little experience, the division of labor became more equitable.”
“Great.” She sighed and rested her forehead on the table. “So she probably is giving me all the drudge work on purpose. I thought I was done trying to prove myself to her once she made me a princess! But I guess she still thinks I’m not ready yet.”
“It is only a temporary situation,” I assured her. “And I do not think it has anything to do with Princess Celestia doubting you. Likely she only wants to give you time to adjust to your new position. You have made a fine princess thus far, Highness.”
Twilight smiled, her cheeks going pink. “Thanks. It’s really nothing special. I'm just trying to do the best job I can. Honestly, it feels like I have no idea what I'm doing half the time. Everypony expects me to be some wise ruler now that I’m a princess, as if everything’s different now that I have these.” She gave a demonstrative flap of her wings. “I’m not saying nothing changed, but deep down I’m still just ... just me. The socially awkward egghead bookworm Twilight. Not wise, all-knowing Princess Twilight like everypony expects.”
“I imagine it is a rather frightening responsibility.” I considered my next words carefully. “But perhaps the fact that this responsibility intimidates you is a good thing. I don’t think anypony could ask for more than for you to do your best and try to make the right choices.” I thought back to my time in the Patrol. “I remember the first time I lost one of the ponies under my command. I ... took it rather badly. I kept replaying that sequence of events, trying to find out where I had made the mistake that got that soldier killed. Then my captain called me aside and told me something that stuck with me: no commanding officer can be perfect. And even if I was somehow flawless, I would still lose soldiers in battle. Sometimes just because you do everything right doesn’t mean the outcome will be perfect.”
I sighed and shook my head, putting aside that painful memory. “The point being, you will never be that perfect, all-knowing princess. But you have been the best princess you can be. You should be very proud of yourself.”
Her Highness lifted a wing, hiding her blushing face. “If I say I’m proud of myself, will you stop praising me?”
“For the moment,” I allowed, a barely perceptible smile gracing my lips.
We fell into a companionable silence until a waiter came to provide our drinks and take our orders. Her Highness chose an onion, mushroom, and green pepper omelet, while I decided to try the pancakes she had mentioned earlier, along with haybacon and eggs. Alas, actual bacon was not on the menu. The sacrifices I make for Equestria and my princess...
Her Highness must have noted my slight disappointment at the dietary restrictions circumstances had imposed upon me. “Is everything alright, Storm?”
I hastily erased any sign of discontent from my features. Twilight did not need to be bothered by such unimportant matters. “Quite fine, Princess.”
A brief frown flickered across her face. “Alright then, if you’re sure...” When I did not seize upon the clear opening she had left, she instead opted for a change of subject. “So, um, how has your family been?”
The question brought a smile to my face. With the possible exception of my brat of a little sister, I loved my family dearly. “They have all been doing quite well. I had dinner with Cloud a few nights ago. My parents are also curious to meet you the next time we are in Canterlot or they have some time off. Unsurprisingly, they are curious about the mare I spend most of my time protecting.”
“I think I met your parents before,” she answered conversationally. “Of course, that was a couple years ago, and it was really only in passing. I mean, they weren’t really all that important when I met them.” She frowned, then shook her head. “Wait, that sounds bad. I didn’t mean that your parents were unimportant, just that they weren’t important to me. Wait, that sounds even worse...”
I judged it prudent to intercede before matters escalated further. “You did not know they were the parents of your future Guard Captain?”
She smiled gratefully and nodded. “Yes. That.” She chuckled and sipped her water as an excuse to buy a few moments to regain her composure. “Anyway, my parents would like to meet you. Shiny and Cadance too. Shiny said something about wanting to make sure that whoever was taking over keeping me safe was up to the job, since he can’t do it himself anymore. I’m actually a little surprised he didn’t insist on personally picking my bodyguard.”
If the few barracks rumors I had heard floating about had any merit to them, he had wanted to do precisely that. However, he and his wife had a rare disagreement over who to recommend, which left the field open. Given that the rumors claimed Princess Cadance was supporting a mediocre soldier with no notable accomplishments solely because he was nursing a crush on Princess Twilight, it was likely for the best that I had taken the post. “I hope I will meet with his approval. It seems you have a much better relationship with your sibling than I do.”
“What do you mean by that?” A slight frown creased her face as she leaned forward. “Is there some kind of problem between you two? Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Not a problem as such, no.” I sighed, searching for our waiter in the hopes that the arrival of our food would distract Her Highness from the discussion. Twilight can be a bit overeager when she believes she has found an opportunity to help somepony with their problems. It is normally one of her more charming qualities, but in this particular case it was not needed. “We get along quite well, but we have a bit of a sibling rivalry. It can make her visits ... interesting.”
“Oh, that type of thing.” The princess sat back in her chair, seeming relieved that there was no serious discord in my family. “I can’t really help you with that kind of thing. I always got along with my big brother.”
“Big brothers and little sisters tend to have a rather unique relationship.” Or at least, that was what some of my relatives told me. My mother had little insight on that particular subject, being the older sibling. Though she did enjoy telling me stories of Uncle Tornado’s young and stupid stallion days.
Twilight nodded thoughtfully. “I have read that sibling rivalries are more common between same-gendered siblings. And isn’t she pretty close to you in age too? Shiny’s not that much older than me, but enough that he always had to be my protective big brother.”
“Being close to the same age no doubt had an impact,” I conceded. I smirked as an old memory resurfaced. “I used to tease Star that she was an accident. Mother had barely recovered from having me when she became pregnant with her, so there was probably some merit to it.” That had been a bit cruel of me in hindsight, hough no less than she deserved after she broke one of my Daring Do dolls. “We always defined ourselves in contrast to one another. I like classical music, so she won't listen to anything tasteful. I am well-mannered, so she is a terrible slob. And so on.”
“Uh-huh...” There was a note of strained tolerance in Her Highness’s voice, and a moment later I half-heard a murmured comment about ‘biased sources.’ As a proper lady should, I deigned to ignore that remark. The truth would reveal itself soon enough. Her Highness cleared her throat, then her voice returned to its usual volume. “Well, she must be doing pretty well for herself if she’s working for Luna.”
“My sister has mentioned that Princess Luna has very high standards.” I adjusted my armor so it would sit a little easier while I ate. “Given that Star is due for a promotion in a few months, she seems to have met her princess’s standards thus far.”
“That is good to hear.” Twilight smiled, and her voice dropped to a low conspiratorial whisper. “Though she’ll only be a first lieutenant even after she gets promoted, while you’re already a captain. That means you’re winning, right?”
My answering smile was rather satisfied. “Yes it does.”
Any further conversation was interrupted by the arrival of our food. Her Highness seemed quite pleased by her omelet, judging by the slightly indecent speed at which it vanished. I certainly enjoyed my own pancakes and eggs, though the haybacon proved woefully insufficient. I am sure it was excellent as far as haybacon is concerned, but in my case it only reminded me how much I would have preferred to eat the real thing.
I was in the midst of soldiering through the pale imitation of actual bacon when Twilight stared past me, a confused frown on her face. “Huh?”
She did not seem especially distressed, so I assumed that whatever had caught her attention was merely another one of the many oddities that accompany life in Ponyville. In all likelihood it had something to do with Pinkie Pie. “What is it, Highness?”
She frowned and her horn lit up. “That’s what I am trying to figure out.” A couple seconds later a balloon drifted down onto our table, wreathed in her magic. From the way the balloon sloshed about in her grasp, it obviously was not filled with water. “It was floating straight for you. I guess Rainbow was playing a prank.”
My eyes flicked up to the cloud I had seen Rainbow napping on earlier. She was still fast asleep, so she seemed like an unlikely culprit. I took a closer look at the balloon itself, As soon as my face drew near it my eyes watered from the thick, vaguely fruity smell emanating from it. I recognized it at once: cheap perfume.
Twilight clamped a hoof over her nose as the smell struck her. “Urgh, that stinks! Why would somepony fill a water balloon with cheap perfume?”
“Not somepony. Star.” No wonder she had been so vague about when she would be visiting—she had been planning to launch a surprise attack. “Cheap perfume is one of her favorite weapons when it comes to practical jokes directed at me. I suppose it was inevitable ever since she nicknamed me ‘Skunky.’” I waved to my black-and-white striped mane by way of explanation. “If I am a skunk I must stink, ergo she attacks me with perfume to hide the supposed skunk smell. It is one of her oldest and most favored ways of making a pest of herself. Water balloons are a new delivery method, at least. She usually just chased me around with a spray bottle.” I began scanning the area, though I did so as subtly as possible to keep my sister from noticing.
Her Highness smiled. “Oh, don’t bother looking for them. I already found them. Your sister was using telekinesis to get the balloon in position, so it was easy to trace the spell back to its source. She’s hiding behind those bushes over there.”
The princess started to point, but I quickly placed a hoof over hers to prevent her from doing so. “We should not let her know that her location has been compromised.” I spared a very quick passing glance over the bushes she had nearly indicated, but saw no sign of my sister.
“Oh, right.” She grinned sheepishly. “Um, your sister’s not alone. Somepony else is holding a veil over the two of them. And since I helped Sparkler learn that spell...”
So Star had recruited her fillyfriend into this enterprise? I suppose it was no surprise. Sparkler Doo had a mischievous streak to rival Star’s, and would naturally be inclined to take Star’s side in the sibling rivalry. Making it two against one hardly seemed fair. Then again, it meant I was free to recruit some support of my own. “Perhaps we should return their balloon to them, Highness?”
Twilight grinned and gave me a teasing nudge with one of her wings. “Aren’t you always telling me I need act a bit more regal and princess-like? Because I’m pretty sure that pelting ponies with perfume-filled water balloons isn’t very princess-y.”
I answered with a dry smile. “We are not pelting anypony. I am sure they just misplaced their balloon and would appreciate having it returned to them. Restoring lost property to its rightful owners is a very royal thing to do.”
Her Highness smirked. “Yes it is, isn’t it? Besides, if they’d hit you, some of the perfume would’ve splashed onto me, and I would’ve been the one who had to smell you all day.” Her Highness spent several seconds working a spell into the balloon.
Once she was done, the balloon whipped up into the air, then shot like a bullet towards the bushes where my dastardly sister and her paramour were hiding. The instant the balloon struck the bush, it exploded and sprayed its contents liberally over the area. Two young mares shrieked in dismay, and Sparkler’s invisibility spell failed a moment later.
I chuckled and waved as my sister slunk out of the bushes, her fillyfriend following close behind her. Sparkler glowered back at us while doing her best to find some means of pinching her nostrils shut. For her part, my sister nodded, acknowledging that I had won this round of our decade-long battle for supremacy, but the war was far from over.
I turned back to the table, trying some of the haybacon once more. It was still a poor substitute for the real thing, but victory made it taste far sweeter than it had before. “That was well played, Highness. Thank you.”
Twilight smirked at the defeated pranksters. “I don't think they enjoy pranks as much when they’re the ones on the receiving end.”
“Turnabout is fair play,” I observed.
As the two freshly doused young mares passed underneath a certain cloud, Rainbow stirred from her nap, groaning and covering her nose. When that failed to block out the stench of cheap perfume, Rainbow fully awoke, glaring down at the two would-be pranksters. As they offered sheepish smiles and waves, the weatherpony flitted away, only to return moments later with a fully stocked raincloud. Star’s eyes widened, but before she could even begin to flee, Rainbow slammed a hoof into the cloud, triggering a torrential downpour onto the two of them.
By the time the rain ended, my sister was presumably no longer malodorous, but she was thoroughly drenched and quite miserable-looking. I still counted that as a victory.
“Hopefully they’ve learned their lesson now,” Twilight commented.
“I imagine so.” I watched the two pranksters vainly trying to dry themselves off. Perhaps Twilight could offer to use her drying spell as an olive branch.
Rainbow landed and started chatting with the two of them. Twilight grinned. “Oooh, I wonder if she’s going to use her patented Rain-blow-dry maneuver on them. I let her do that to me. Once. It did dry me off, but my mane looked absolutely ridiculous once she was done.” Her smile widened a bit more. “Maybe I should suggest that...”
Whatever Rainbow was discussing with the duo, they were too far away for us to make out most of the conversation. However, the few snippets I could hear were rather ... concerning. “Gonna prank somepony, then do it right! Should’ve come to me first ... expert at this kinda thing...”
I felt a sense of dread settle into the pit of my stomach as I turned back to face Twilight. “Rainbow is still a prankster, correct?”
Twilight bit her lip. “Er ... yeah, she is. A massive one.”
“Oh.” That dread sank in a little deeper. “I do not think our prank problems are over, Highness.”
It began that evening when Star knocked on the library’s front door. I answered the door with a perfectly reasonable degree of suspicion. “Hello, Star. Was there something you wanted?”
My sister brushed off my brusque greeting. “Sheesh, way to make me feel welcome. I did take a few days off to see you, you know.” She paused and smirked. “Well, you and my marefriend.” She trotted in and gave me a hug, which I returned once I was certain she was not trying to stick a sign on my back or otherwise act against me. She did plant one of her tracking gems on me, but that was to be expected. My sister is a bit strange. “Mom and Dad send their love. And I guess you’ve got mine too, even if you are a big stinky skunk.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yes, yes. So tell me sister, have you been stalking anypony in particular lately, or are you focused on systematically violating everypony’s right to privacy equally?”
Star scoffed and trotted in, taking a seat on one of Her Highness’s cushions. “Hey, everypony’s got a different way of showing that they care. Some ponies hug, some kiss, I plant tracking devices. The important thing is that I care.” She opened up her saddlebag and pulled out a plain white package. “Speaking of caring, I picked up a little something for you. Now that you’re stuck out in small town-ville, I figured you were missing your favorite food group.”
I opened up the package and saw several frozen meat patties waiting for me. My mouth might have watered a bit at the sight. I wrapped a wing around Star. “You are a good sister.”
“Of course I am.” She grinned and hugged me again. Once more, I checked to ensure that she was not setting me up for some sort of prank. Nothing except the second tracking device she had planted on me. Perhaps I should do something about that once she was gone.
I did not like how friendly and nice she was being. Not that I disliked being treated well by Star, but I had enough experience with her to realize that she was being a bit too nice. Which could only mean that she was setting me up for something. A horrifying thought occurred. “You did not do anything to my meat, did you?”
“I didn’t mess with it!” Star protested, her face the very picture of wounded innocence. “Sheesh, can’t I just do something nice for you without any ulterior motives?”
“No.” Many years of experience has taught me to be wary of little sisters bearing gifts.
“I feel the love,” she grumbled, shifting on her cushion. “Seriously, the meat’s totally fine. I promise. I might love messing with you, but there are lines I would never cross. If I screwed with your meat you’d never speak with me again.” She smirked and nudged me. “Or you’d take me down to some sort of freaky butcher shop in your basement and carve me up the next time your carnivore urges overwhelmed you.”
“Yes, I frequently murder ponies to feed my insatiable cannibal hunger,” I countered drily. “In case you wondered, I have already written to our parents to get permission to eat you. They were quite happy to grant it, as they find you every bit as bothersome as I do. After all, you were nothing but an accident.”
Star rolled her eyes. “Oh, ha ha ha, that joke gets funnier every time I hear it.” She smirked and poked me in the chest. “Besides, you forgot that I’m working for Princess Luna now. She’d hate to lose her favorite new officer.”
“I wrote to her too,” I deadpanned. “She said it was fine if I boiled you alive as long as I sent her a cup of the soup.” I sighed dramatically. “Pity. I was hoping to grill you instead. Or perhaps deep-fry; you certainly have enough fat for it.”
“Oh, and now a fat joke. That’s real original, Storm.” She got up and stretched. “I bet you’ll start in on the ‘your mama’ jokes soon, because you’re so boneheaded you forgot that she’s your mother too.”
“Unless you were adopted.” I theorized. “It would explain how Mother was able to have another child so soon after me. And why you’re a unicorn when the rest of our family are pegasi.”
My sister scoffed. “Yes, me being adopted is a much more likely explanation than the fact that our grandfather was a unicorn. Clearly. This is why you’re the brawn of our classic brains-brawn duo.”
I chuckled. “This is your way of admitting that I am stronger than you, then?”
Star smirked and gave me a few condescending pats on the head. “Whatever you have to tell yourself in order to sleep at night, meathead.” She paused, then let out a snort of laughter. “Oh, that one works way better on you, ‘cause you actually eat the stuff.” She poked the side of my head. “Or do you actually eat animal brains now to try and boost your own? I heard that shamans do that in other cultures, and you did mention there’s a zebra shaman living in the forest...” She waved her hooves around my head, mimicking spellcasting. “By the power of animals and the night, something might grow in here—it just might!”
There were times when I missed the days when we were young enough that I could get physical with her. She had been much easier to deal with when we’d had fillyhood scuffles. “Did you come here planning to be an annoying brat, or does it just come naturally to you?”
“Yes, and yes,” she answered with a cheeky grin. “My lovely muse inspires me to new heights whenever we're around each other. And don’t get all stoic and grumpy with me.” She threw one of her forelegs over my shoulders, the other waving around as if she were showing me a work of art. “I think of it as an opportunity. An experiment, even! Your resolve is pretty well set for just me; now we get to see how you handle me and my plus one.” She gave me a friendly squeeze. “You should be thanking me—we're helping you practice for the future.”
I gently shrugged her leg off. “Somehow I doubt you are doing this strictly for my benefit and out of the kindness of your heart.”
She put a hoof over her chest and swooned dramatically. “Why, Storm, dearest sister, you wound me so!”
“It is often said that the truth hurts,” I countered smoothly.
“Touché.” She frowned, then extracted herself from my side. “So, much as I love teasing you, which way’s the bathroom?”
I sighed and provided her with directions, which she quickly followed at a fast trot. It was not until she was firmly behind the locked, albeit crooked, door that I realized this might have been a ploy on her part. There were all manner of terrible pranks she might be setting up in the bathroom at that very moment. In fact, her entire visit and the subsequent conversation might have been nothing but an excuse to gain unsupervised access to the facilities.
For all I knew, right now she could be greasing the toilet seat or applying hot sauce to it. Or reversing the cold and hot water handles in the shower. Or rigging the soap dispenser so that it would spray into my face the next time I used it. Or...
The toilet flushed, and my sister trotted out. “I’m done.”
I slipped into the bathroom and was about to get to work searching for pranks when yet another thought struck me. What if Star was pulling some sort of double bluff prank? Maybe I was supposed to think she had sabotaged the bathroom, and she would have unrestricted access to the rest of the library while I was searching it?
I could not risk it. I could always check where she had been later. Right now I needed to keep a close eye on her. I trotted back out into the library’s main room and saw Star chatting with Spike from her seat on the couch. I didn’t catch what she said, but a second later the baby dragon waddled off with my package of meat. Star then turned to me, grinning. “Hey, sis. I was just letting him know to make one of your meatburgers tonight instead of a hayburger.”
I glowered at her suspiciously, but Star’s friendly smile gave away nothing. I did not think it too likely that Spike would help her prank me, but I was going to be inspecting my sandwich very closely before I ate any of it. After all, Star did have quite a few gems on hoof due to her enchanting projects, and Spike was susceptible to bribery.
Star looked over at me, grinned, then took several exaggerated looks around the room. “You know, I couldn’t help but notice that your princess's royal palace looks a lot like a small-town library...”
I answered her with dry sarcasm. “Really? I had not noticed...”
She shrugged and waved dismissively. “Then again, I'm probably jaded from all my time in Canterlot Royal Palace. You know, where my princess lives.”
“I have heard a few wild rumors that Princess Luna resides in the palace, yes.” I offered her a poisonously sweet smile. “When will they let you see her?”
My sister rolled her eyes. “For your information, I've already met her a couple times. Hay, she hired me personally. Hoof-picked me. You had to be appointed to your position, right?”
I frowned as that barb hit a bit closer than I would have liked. Though Princess Twilight and I were getting along quite well now, when I had first entered her service she had been less than welcoming. Still, that was well in the past now, and I could not let Star’s remark go unanswered. “Luna herself hired you, did she? That is odd. I would have thought that the papers would report it if she hit her head that hard.”
Star answered by grabbing the pillow she had been sitting on and smacking me in the face with it. I answered by swatting her upside the head with one of my wings, taking due care to ensure that my wing-blades did not come near her flesh in the process. Thankfully, matters did not escalate any further beyond that point.
My sister and I both chuckled at our brief near-scuffle. After a few seconds, Star stepped closer and smiled with genuine fondness. “S'good to see you again, Skunky.”
I answered her smile. She might be an utter pest, but she was still my sister. “Good to see you too, Stalker-mare. I missed you.”
“Yeah, same here.” We held that smile for a bit longer, then my sister stepped forward and gave me a quick hug. “I checked in with Cloud after I was done catching up with Sparkler. She wants to do dinner tomorrow night. That work for you?”
I quickly called the princess’s schedule to mind; there was nothing terribly important planned for tomorrow. “I would need to ask Her Highness first, but I expect that she would be able to give me the night off.”
“Cool.” Star thought it over for a moment, then added, “Though Cloud would probably be fine with Princess Twilight coming along too. Sparkler and Rainbow are gonna be there, so it’s not exactly a private family meeting. And the princess is friends with one of Cloud's ... er...”
“Paramours?” I suggested. I did not entirely approve of Cloud’s lifestyle, but it was her life to do with as she pleased. I certainly was not going to speak ill of her, especially not in front of another member of the family—Star had always looked up to our older cousin. I had once, but as I had matured, her flaws became somewhat more apparent. I suppose that is one of the inevitable hazards of growing older: we realize that our idols are actually not the paragons we once imagined, but merely flawed, imperfect ponies like the rest of us. Perhaps Star was still young enough to overlook that, or perhaps I had simply grown a bit more cynical than she had.
Star grinned and giggled, quite unaware of my private thoughts. “Yeah, ‘paramours’ works. I mean, she’s been with the two of them for a couple years now, so it’s not like her usual sort of thing. Hope it works out for her.” She chuckled and shook her head. “Though I guess it figures that Cloud wouldn’t settle down unless she could get her own mini-harem. I’m just surprised she's only got two ponies in it.”
Despite my more conservative views regarding my cousin’s lifestyle, a smile crept across my face. “Now now, Star. She has not even married them yet. Let us give it time.” A slight shiver passed down my spine as I recalled that we were discussing my cousin’s sex life. “And not thought, just time.”
“Heh.” Star grinned and rose to her hooves, stretching out. “Speaking of which, I mostly just came by to drop your food off. I’ve got a fillyfriend I haven’t seen for months, so we’ve got a lot of catching up to do. And by catching up, I mean sex. Sexy, sexy sex.” She smirked and nudged me in the ribs. “Reminds me, you seriously need to get laid. It’d probably make you less of a stiff, stoic stick-in-the-mud.”
I frowned. “I am not a stick in the mud, and I do quite well for myself in that regard, thank you very much.”
“Yeah, sure.” Star poked me again. “When was the last time you got some?”
“That is none of your business,” I answered coolly.
Star gave an exaggerated wince. “Ouch, that long? Has it been more than a year?”
“I do not wish to discuss this.”
“It has? Dang, sis. That’s just sad.” She gave me a faux-sympathetic hug. “I’ll ask Cloud about hooking you up with something. Or I could help you find somepony. It’s the sisterly thing to do.” She tapped her chin a few times, a malicious grin slowly appearing on her face. “You know, I can’t help but notice that your princess is pretty cute. And single. And since Princess Cadance got married, there’s precedent for mortal alicorns to—”
“This conversation is over,” I growled.
“Yeah, yeah.” My sister rolled her eyes. “Knowing you, you’re just annoyed that I would suggest you would do something as unprofessional as hopping into bed with your princess. ‘Cause you falling in love with her would be way too interesting for Captain ‘I must be stoic and dutiful and never have any fun at all’ Storm Kicker.” She trotted up and gave me a quick hug, then headed for the door. “I’ll see you at Cloud’s for dinner tomorrow, okay?”
“Yes, tomorrow.” I trotted back to my cushion and took a seat.
A low buzz hummed beneath me, like a filly sticking their tongue out when faced with cauliflower, homework, or an early bedtime. It was about as mature as well, given the proximity to my hindquarters.
Speaking of mature, Star stuffed her hooves over her mouth and began giggling madly. I guess I should have been grateful it was just us, rather than having sat down in the mess hall with my subordinates or in front of the princess. I extracted the whoopee cushion from beneath my pillow and tossed it back to her with a glare. Star caught it, then left the library with a cheeky grin.
I remained in place, still vaguely bemused by the entire chain of events. With all the buildup Star had put into setting up this prank, I would have expected something better than a whoopee cushion out of it all. Perhaps it had not been some sort of evil master plan, and her visit really had been more of a social call with the obligatory prank tossed in on the side.
I tossed the puzzle of my sister and her motives aside when I heard Her Highness’s hooves on the stairs. I glanced up and saw the princess making her way down, a full trashbag floating alongside her. “Hey, Storm.”
I glanced up and nodded respectfully to her. “Princess. I hope Star did not disturb your studies.” I stepped forward and quickly took charge of her garbage. While there was a certain charm to the princess’s willingness to handle such tasks herself, the fact remained that royalty should not be seen performing such mundane household chores. It diminished the royal mystique and made a princess seem like nothing more but another ordinary pony. Of course, if I explained it to her in those terms, Twilight would probably insist on taking out her own garbage every time. My princess could be quite stubborn.
“No, she didn’t bother me.” A thoughtful frown crossed her face. “At least, I don't think she bothered me. What did she want? Just checking up on you?”
“More or less.” I quickly tossed the garbage out. “A little bit of catching up and small talk. She also invited me to a family dinner at Cloud’s tomorrow night. She extended an invitation to you as well, if you wish.”
“That sounds great. Fluttershy is an excellent chef, and your cousin can do a pretty good job too.” Before my mind could linger upon the worrying implications of Her Highness having eaten Cloud’s cooking at some point in the past, she continued speaking. “Thanks for getting the trash. You didn't have to do that.”
“I enjoy helping, Highness.”
She smiled gratefully, but our conversation was briefly interrupted by Spike calling out from the kitchen. “You guys might be going out tomorrow, but I’m cooking tonight. No way you’re gonna miss Burger Night, especially after Star brought over those meat patties. You still want a normal hayburger though, right Twi?”
“Yeah, thanks Spike!” The princess shot me a quick apologetic look. “No offense, but I really don’t understand how you can eat meat. It’s just...” A shiver went down her spine.
“I suppose it is a bit of an acquired taste.” I could not help smiling as I thought back to my initiation into the Long Patrol. “The first time I tried it, my sergeant told me all I needed to do was swallow and keep down a single bite to keep the respect of my soldiers. I wound up eating all of it and asking for more. Prior to that, none of them had been quite sure what to make of their new tea-drinking Canterlot lady officer. Afterwards...”
Twilight chuckled and shook her head. “I suppose that’s one way to win them over.” She offered a slightly strained smile. “Makes me glad I’m never going to join the Long Patrol, though.”
I could not resist the opportunity for a little mild teasing. “I should mention that while we were in the field, Princess Luna ate with us once. She partook. If you should ever find yourself breaking bread with the Long Patrol...”
“Let me check my schedule.” She pulled it out, then smirked. “Oh, gee, look at that. No dinners scheduled with the Long Patrol. Ever. What a shame.”
I decided to offer one last remark. “I had been intending to fill out your Guard’s ranks with a decent number of Patrolponies. They might be pleased if you joined us one evening.” Putting aside the fact that I was naturally inclined to pick soldiers I had served with, the fact that Ponyville lay on the edge of the Everfree Forest made Patrol veterans a natural choice for Her Highness’s guards. The rest of her ranks would likely be filled out with soldiers drawn from the Solar Guard, and possibly a few from the Lunar and Crystal as well. All three units were quite experienced with protecting a princess, after all.
Twilight answered with a playful glare. “I’m pretty sure teasing your princess is against the rules of bodyguarding, you know...”
“Teasing my princess?” I put a hoof over my heart, feigning a swoon. “Perish the thought.”
Twilight grumbled something decided unprincessly under her breath, though the smile on her face stole any venom from the words. That was cut short by a sizzling sound in the other room. “Though I'm not sure if I should be disturbed that Spike knows how to cook meat.”
“Perhaps Star told him,” I suggested with a shrug. “I have found that it is not really all that difficult. There are many nuances to getting it just right, but basic proficiency is simple enough.”
“I wouldn’t really know.” For a moment I half expected her to start tearing through her books to find something regarding meat preparation. It is rare indeed for Her Highness to be comfortable with any level of ignorance on any topic. “I just haven't really given him anything meaty to eat in the past. Although I guess he would eat it; he is an omnivore in the most literal sense of the term. He can eat anything if he wants to.”
“That is the way with dragons.” I politely pulled Twilight’s seat out for her.
Her Highness favored me with another smile as she took her seat. “Always the gentlemare. Thank you, Storm.” As was her custom, she insisted on using her magic to pull out my own chair in return. “So, judging by the lack of explosions and cheap perfume stink, I guess your visit with Star went pretty well?”
“Mostly,” I confirmed as I sat. “She did slip a whoopee cushion under my pillow. Though that was actually something of a relief: I was expecting worse.”
Spike waddled in, carrying each of our plates. My mouth might have watered a bit as the heavenly smell of freshly cooked meat reached my nostrils. There is nothing else quite like it.
Twilight’s nose wrinkled at the smell, but she refrained from commenting. “At least your sister’s prank wasn’t anything too bad then. Rainbow Dash has done worse to me, like when she tricked me into writing all my chemistry notes with disappearing ink.” She nodded to Spike as the baby dragon set down her plate. “Thanks, Spike. I hope you made something for yourself.”
“I've got some gems waiting for me.” He set my plate down, then headed back to the kitchen to clean up.
Twilight fondly watched his exit. “He really is my number one assistant.”
“He has been a great help to you, Princess.” I am rather certain that without somepony watching over her, the princess would regularly skip meals and go without sleep whenever a particularly scholarly mood struck her.
My first bite convinced me to never follow her example of skipping meals while Spike was around to cook for us; the patty was cooked to perfection, juicy and lightly seasoned with applewood—probably from the nearby orchards. Onions and lettuce mixed with just a hint of Spike’s homemade blend of ketchup and barbecue sauce, and I chewed as slowly as propriety allowed to enjoy this first wonderful mouthful. I hoped Dad would forgive me for finding a new favorite chef.
And then my wonderful culinary experience came to a screeching halt when Twilight let out a piercing scream.
My eyes instantly snapped to Her Highness. She seemed unharmed, but was staring in horror at the contents of her plate. In particular, her hayburger. Except that now that she had bitten into it, I could quite clearly see that it was not, in fact, a hayburger.
“I just ate meat!” she wailed, gagging in disgust. She hastily stuffed a dozen hayfries into her mouth in a desperate attempt to get the taste out of her mouth, then washed it down with an entire glass of lemonade. When that proved insufficient, she stuck out her tongue and scraped a hoof along it, as if doing so would somehow remove the memory of meat’s flavor.
I was about to suggest that Spike must have mistakenly given her one of my burgers when I heard a poorly concealed snort of laughter emanating from the kitchens. A quick inspection of Twilight’s plate confirmed that both of her burgers contained meat, as did all of mine. This had not been an accident.
Twilight whirled upon the dragon, eyes narrowed in fury. “SPIKE! Did you do that on purpose?”
Spike froze, sweat breaking out on his forehead. He didn’t give her an answer, but that was as good as a confession.
I quickly realized what must have happened. “Those gems you were planning to have for dinner tonight ... Star gave them to you, didn’t she?”
“You took a bribe?!” Twilight demanded, absolutely incensed.
“No!” The little dragon’s eyes flicked back and forth, seeking some way to escape Her Highness’s wrath. “I didn’t!” Finding none, he shuffled away from her until his back was pressed against the wall. “It was just—”
“Don't lie to me!” she snarled, slamming her hooves into the wall above his shoulders, effectively pinning him in place. If dragons were not immune to fire, the glare she had fixed him with would have melted him.
His weak attempt at deception utterly collapsed in the face of such intense scrutiny, and his will quickly broke. “I’m sorry! Star said it was just a harmless little prank, and then she gave me ten gems. She didn’t say you’d be mad...”
“Spiiike....” The princess glared down at him, her voice a low, rumbling growl.
The dragon shrank against the wall as far as he could. “I said I was sorry! I was just ... just...”
Twilight closed her eyes, then took several long, slow breaths. When she opened them again she stepped away from Spike, giving him a bit more space. “Okay. Fine. I am very disappointed in you, Spike.” He flinched down at those words, seeming more hurt by them than by all the anger she had shown before. “I’ll be taking all of the gems you haven’t eaten already, and you’re grounded for a week. You know better than to do that sort of thing, and you should definitely know better than to let anypony bribe you into misbehaving. We don’t want your greed getting out of control again, do we?”
Spike slumped down further, until it looked like he wanted nothing more than to sink into the floor. “No. I’m sorry.” He sighed and reluctantly relinquished his gems.
Twilight took the gems and teleported them away. “I love you very much, Spike, but your behavior was completely unacceptable. I hope you understand that. Now go to your room. I’ll find something else for your dinner, but there aren’t going to be any more gems on the menu until you’ve learned your lesson. Are we clear?”
The little dragon let out a long-suffering sigh. “Yes, Twilight.” He trudged up the stairs, looking like a condemned prisoner marching to his execution.
The princess sighed as she watched him leave, then turned back to me. “Sorry you had to see that. I didn't overreact, did I? It’s just ... I really didn’t like him sabotaging my dinner, especially not when he’s letting somepony bribe him to do it. Greed does bad things to dragons.”
“I think your response was perfectly reasonable, Highness.” At least insofar as Spike’s misbehavior was concerned. Her raw horror at having consumed meat struck me as somewhat excessive, though I suppose I would be somewhat biased on that particular topic.
I offered her what consolation I could regarding her sudden and unwanted initiation into the world of carnivorism. “Look on the bright side, Highness. Since you ate and swallowed a piece of meat, you can now consider yourself an honorary member of the Long Patrol.”
“Yay.” Twilight groaned and pushed her plate to the side. “I think I've lost my appetite.”
Alas, it seemed that Her Highness had not acquired any tasted for the finer foods. “Shall I go out for something, Highness?”
“You don't have to,” she assured me. “I’m really not hungry anymore.”
I was reminded of my earlier thought that the princess would not eat properly without somepony watching over her. I kept my tone as gentle as possible to avoid offending her. “You need to eat, Highness.”
She waved my objections away. “I’m an alicorn, Storm. I’m not going to keel over just because I missed one meal.”
“Perhaps not,” I allowed before digging my hooves in further. “But it is still better if you eat properly.”
“Missing one meal isn't a big deal.” She looked me in the eyes for several seconds, then sighed. “But you're going to keep very politely fighting me on this until you get your way, aren't you?”
“It would be wholly inappropriate for a bodyguard to fight with her princess,” I answered deftly. “Now then, shall I see about securing you a salad from one of the restaurants? Or perhaps I could prevail upon Miss Applejack for a pie. There is also—”
Her Highness groaned and rolled her eyes. “Alright, alright, fine. Go and get me something to eat, if you’re going to be so stubborn about it.”
I half-bowed deferentially. “As you wi—”
“Don’t finish that sentence.” Twilight grumbled. “It doesn’t count when you say that right after you bullied me into doing what you wanted.”
“I did nothing of the sort, Highness,” I answered mildly. “I simply looked out for your best interests, as any responsible guardian should. Sometimes that requires reminding you what precisely is best for you.”
“Yeah yeah...” She poked me in the chest, and a grin slowly made its way onto her lips. “Now hurry up and go get my salad before I start making a list of ways to punish my guards whenever they start getting cheeky.”
I dutifully exited the library. Thankfully, obtaining a meal for Her Highness proved a simple task. Especially since, unlike the princess herself, I had no objection to using her status to speed things along. Not that I was crude about it, but the waitstaff did move a bit more quickly when I informed them that the dinner was for Princess Twilight Sparkle.
I returned just in time to see the princess exiting the library’s front room. I wondered at her destination until I heard the loud squeal of our newly repaired bathroom door. I would have to see about fixing that at some point in the near future.
While Her Highness attended her business in the restroom, I set to work cleaning up what was left of our dinner. Since she obviously had no intention of consuming the rest of her meatburger, I took the liberty of finishing it for myself. I certainly was not going to let good meat go to waste, even if Star had bought it simply to set up one of her pranks. My days in the Long Patrol taught me that I should never let perfectly good food go to waste.
I had almost finished the cleanup when Twilight called out from bathroom. “Um ... Storm? I think I need some help.”
My ears instantly perked up, and I began trotting towards the bathroom. “What is it, Highness?”
“J-just come in.”
I entered, and found an especially strange sight awaiting me. Her rump had fallen entirely into the toilet bowl, sending her hind legs awkwardly up into the air. Her wings were splayed out, trapped between the rim of the toilet seat and her own body. Her forelegs were vainly flailing about, trying to find something she could grasp to pull herself free. When she saw me, her cheeks pinked in embarrassment. “Um ... I think your sister greased the toilet seat.”
Of course she did. I sighed and helped my princess out as best I could.
At breakfast the next day, the unholy prankster alliance struck again.
Twilight and I were enjoying a relatively peaceful breakfast after our usual morning routine. Thankfully nothing went awry with this meal, as Spike was not about to risk courting Her Highness’s wrath again. As it was, he’d lost what was left of the gems Star had bribed him with and was grounded for a week.
We were wrapping up the meal when somepony knocked on the library’s front door. I opened the door and found myself face-to-face with Rainbow Dash. She smiled, and even though I knew she might well be here for nefarious purposes, I found myself smiling in return. “Hello, Rainbow. Was there something you needed?”
“Hey, Stormy. ‘Sup?” She trotted right past me into the library. “Just got something I need to say to Twilight real quick. Won’t take long.”
Twilight glanced at her over the remains of breakfast, her ears perked forward and her curiosity piqued. “Oh? What is it, Rainbow? Is something wrong?”
“Nah, nothing’s wrong, really. It’s just...” A hint of a smirk slowly spread across Rainbow’s face. “I just thought you should know that I snuck in last night while you guys were sleeping and moved a couple books around.”
One of Twilight’s eyes started twitching. “You—you misfiled some of my books?”
“Yup.” Rainbow’s smirk had now grown to a full-blown shameless grin.
“Which ones?” The princess demanded, rising from her seat. “What category did they belong under and where did you put them? How many books did you misplace? Did you touch the card catalogue? Are any of them damaged? What about my personal bookshelf?!”
Rainbow yawned and stretched her wings. “Gee, Twilight, I’d really like to help you out, but it’s just about time for my morning nap. Nothing got damaged, but other than that I can’t really remember all the details...” She covered her mouth as she let out another highly exaggerated yawn. “I think I might’ve changed a couple of your schedules, too...”
I could hear Twilight’s teeth grinding from halfway across the room.
“Anyway, good luck with that.” Rainbow turned around and flew out the door.
For a few moments after she left it felt like the entire treehouse was trembling. Then Twilight let out an anguished, furious scream. “Spiiike! We have to reshelve and reschedule everything!” I considered beating a hasty retreat to tend to some other duty, but the princess’s attention shifted to me before I could escape. “You’ll help too, right, Storm?”
I sighed. “Yes, of course I will, Princess.”
I groaned and dunked my head underneath the tomato juice. Despite my best efforts, the smell still clung to me. “Star and her stink bombs...”
“I suppose it is consistent with the skunk theme so many of her pranks follow.” Twilight levitated a brush and worked it along my back, helping the tomato juice seep into my coat. Thankfully I had seen the attack coming in time to shield the princess from the worst of it. While bodyguards are supposed to place themselves between their princesses and an exploding bomb if the situation required it, I rather doubt a stink bomb was what my instructors at West Hoof had in mind.
Pinkie Pie trotted in, carrying a dozen more cans of tomato juice. The princess and I both smiled and nodded gratefully to her. Were it any other pony, I might have questioned why she had enough tomato juice to fill a large tub on-hoof. However, one of the first lessons Her Highness had imparted upon me was that Pinkie Pie could do strange and unexplainable things, and it was best for my own peace of mind if I simply accepted that there was no explanation for it and moved on. “Thank you for your assistance, Miss Pie.”
Miss Pie promptly hopped into the tub full of tomato juice and hugged me. “Aw, you're so polite, Storm! Maybe too polite, huh? Just call me Pinkie, silly billy.”
I spared a quick glance for the princess. I did not want to overstep and become too familiar with her friends, but I also did want to insult Miss Pie by refusing to follow her stated wish. Her Highness sighed and nodded. “Pinkie really doesn’t bother with formalities, Storm. Trust me, it's easier to just go along with how she wants to do things.”
I turned back to Miss Pie. “Very well then. Thank you, Pinkie.”
She grinned. “Much better. Here, have a cupcake!” She produced a cupcake seemingly from nowhere and shoved it into my mouth. I might have objected, if not for the fact that my mouth was full of cupcake. At least it was quite delicious.
Once the stench was properly removed, I took a quick shower to clear the tomato juice out of my coat and mane. After that, I donned my armor again. “Highness, I believe I am ready to—”
A keychain flew across the room and attached itself to my armor. I paused, blinking and staring down at it in some confusion. Then an unused horseshoe shot across the room and attached itself to my chest.
The princess groaned. “They must have gotten to your armor while you weren’t wearing it. It looks like a magnetism spell. Sparkler’s work. Just hang on a second and I can—”
Every single pot, pan, and tray in the kitchen shot up and collided with my armor, burying me beneath a small mountain of kitchenware.
“—fix it,” Twilight concluded lamely.
I responded as any lady of good breeding, social grace, and utmost sophistication would. “Feathering magnets.”
Pinkie grabbed the princess by the shoulders, vigorously shaking her. “How do they wooork?”
Her Highness and I were understandably nervous about attending the dinner at Cloud’s. With Star, Rainbow, and Sparkler all in attendance, a prank of some sort was all but certain. The setting would limit their options, but the three dedicated pranksters would almost certainly come up with something they could do to us without causing Cloud any trouble. Especially since our cousin found our sibling conflicts a source of endless entertainment.
As per the princess’s wishes, we arrived at Cloud’s house at exactly 1900 hours. The house was a bit small to host so many ponies. In truth, it was little more than a bachelorette pad. Despite her shift to a more settled lifestyle, Cloud did not seem to be in any hurry to marry her paramours, or even move in with them. Perhaps I should speak with her on that matter when an opportunity presented itself.
Rainbow had arrived early—normally that would have been extremely suspicious, given Rainbow’s loose relationship with punctuality, but given the damage she had already wrought upon the appetizers, her motives might have been pure. Or if not pure, at least unrelated to pranking.
Miss Fluttershy and Cloud were busy playing hostess and preparing food, while Cloud’s other paramour had drawn the evening shift on the weather team and would only be able to join us later on. I suppose that was a hazard of Cloud’s social circle: somepony had to keep the weather running.
While Her Highness socialized with her friends, I had a quick word with my cousin. We had taken up regular sparring sessions since I had moved to Ponyville. When I had been a filly, she had been one of my teachers; now she could barely keep up with me. However, I was not exactly spoiled for choice on sparring partners, and in any case, Cloud’s skills were rapidly returning with the benefit of regular practice.
When Star and Sparkler finally arrived, they were not fashionably late, but just plain late. The tousled states of their manes and excessively cheerful grins gave a firm indication as to just what precisely had delayed them. My sister grinned and bumped shoulders with me as she passed by. “Hey, Skunky. Remember, no eating Fluttershy's animals.”
Cloud chuckled and murmured under her breath. “If she eats Angel Bunny, I’ll ask Twilight to give her a promotion. And a medal. Hay with it, give her both.”
Miss Fluttershy poked her head out of the kitchen, fixing my cousin with a piercing stare. Her tone remained light and happy, but that stare lent it a somewhat threatening aspect. “What was that, dear? I could have sworn I heard you say something.”
“Nothing important,” Cloud hastily answered. “I was just telling a really bad joke.”
Fluttershy nodded, apparently satisfied with that answer, and returned to the kitchen. Once she was safely out of earshot, Rainbow Dash snorted. “Heh. Busted, Cloud.” She mimed a whip cracking, adding in the sound effects as well. “Have fun in the dog-house, Kicker. Hope the couch is warm.” She smirked and poked my cousin in the side. “And that Discord isn't sleeping on it.”
Cloud rolled her eyes and slugged Rainbow in the shoulder. “Ha. Ha. Ha. You’re such a riot, Dash. You should get a career as a standup comedian. Your talents are wasted as a weatherpony.”
“That’s true.” Rainbow grinned and stretched her wings, brushing away Cloud’s sarcasm. “Don’t feel too bad, though. Not everypony can be as suave and sensitive around Fluttershy as I am.” She reached back to scratch her rump, then let out a loud belch. “Those were some really good eats, Flutters!”
To think I had once admired Rainbow. I suppose I still did, even if her flaws were a bit more apparent now than they had been when I was an impressionable young filly who thought fart jokes were the height of comedic genius. As I had grown older and my tastes more refined, I found myself drifting away from my old infatuation. Familiarity had not bred contempt, but it had given me a more nuanced view into the mare. Between her and Cloud, I was forced to conclude that one’s idols are rarely so perfect as one would imagine.
For her part, Miss Fluttershy politely ignored any lapses in Rainbow’s decorum. “Thank you very much, Rainbow.”
Rainbow casually waved her thanks away. “You earned it.” I suppose I must have been staring at Rainbow while I was thinking about her, because she turned to me with a single raised eyebrow. “Hey, Stormy. What's new with you?
“Probably thinking about that huge crush she has on you,” Star suggested with a bratty smirk.
“Can it,” Rainbow snapped at my sister, looking just a bit annoyed. That reminded me of one of the reasons I had admired her so much in the first place: she might be crude and insensitive at times, but there was a fundamental decency to her. She might not be a perfect mare, but she was undeniably a good mare.
I was somewhat hopeful that the clash between Rainbow and Star might represent a fault line in their prankster alliance. If that were the case, then I needed to more quickly to exploit it. “Well, Rainbow, to answer the question you put to me before we were so rudely interrupted, I have been watching over Her Highness.” My willingness to indulge her faltered as I added, “We had a rather busy day today. We had to reshelve the entire library after somepony told her she had misplaced several books.”
Rainbow answered my annoyed glower with a shameless smirk. “Huh. I didn't know that bodyguards were expected to moonlight as assistant librarians. Did you have to take a second job because Twi wasn’t paying you enough?”
“My pay is quite sufficient, thank you,” I answered primly. “And while it is not part of my formal duties, I feel it only fitting that I help Her Highness in whatever way she requires.”
A particularly mischievous grin spread across Rainbow’s face. “Oh reeeally? So does that mean that you give her one of your feathers if she breaks a quill?”
“No, that wouldn’t happen again,” Her Highness cut in. “Ever since that one incident I keep an entire drawer full of spares. Besides, pegasus feathers don’t really make very good quills, and it’s not like you could just pluck a fresh feather and immediately start writing with it. Well, you could make a very basic quill in about five minutes, but a proper quill needs to be...”
Rainbow rolled her eyes as the princess continued to provide further information about quillcraft that was clearly of no interest to her. “So Storm, if Twilight needs groceries, do you go shopping for her too?”
I frowned at her. “I am her bodyguard, not an errand girl. I do help her in matters beyond my duties as a guardian, but that does not diminish the value or importance of my role.” I paused, the directed a pointed look at my sister. “For your information, I did have to obtain dinner for Her Highness last night after somepony persuaded Spike that it would be amusing to slip meat into her hayburger.”
Rainbow, Star, Sparkler, and even Cloud all started snickering at that. Needless to say, Twilight was not pleased. “I didn’t think it was very funny. Neither would you if you had been tricked into eating meat.”
“I actually tried a bite of Storm’s the first time she was on leave from the Patrol.” Star shot me a challenging grin. “If Skunky can handle meat, then so can I.”
I answered her with a dry smile “That would explain why you spent thirty seconds looking like you were trying very hard not to spew up your dinner all over the table, then swallowed an entire bottle of cider to get rid of the taste. And never tried it again.”
“I said I could handle it, and I can,” my sister shot right back. “Doesn’t mean I’m some weirdo like you who actually likes the stuff.”
Rainbow was not about to be deterred from her line of questioning by a little bit of sibling banter on the side. “So if Twilight got stuck inside the toilet, would you go into the bathroom and pull her out?”
Twilight and I both glared at her. The last thing either of us wanted was to be reminded of that particular incident. Suffice to say that retrieving one’s princess from a toilet rather strains the traditional royal dignity.
Star gave me a particularly devious and wicked smirk. “Hey, speaking of awkward and embarrassing situations...” She reached into a saddlebag and removed a worn leather volume, the Kicker Clan’s crest emblazoned on the front. I recognized it at once.
Our parents’ photo album.
I stared at her aghast. “You would not...” My face fell as my sister’s evil grin widened. “Of course you would. You do realize there are likely pictures inside that which you would not care to see exposed as well.”
Star scoffed at me. “Give me a little credit, Storm. I only brought the photos that would embarrass you.” I made a mental note to secure those pictures at the soonest possible opportunity as my sister cracked open the album. “Now, the eternal question of where to start ... embarrassing baby photos, or embarrassing photos of your awkward teenage years?”
Rainbow trotted over to her side, looking over Star’s shoulder. “You're evil, you know that?”
“I have been saying that for years,” I informed her.
Sparkler leaned against her fillyfriend, as much for the simple pleasure of the contact as to get a good look at the pictures. “I vote for teenage pics. Did she go through a phase? Please tell me she had a phase. Maybe she was a goth? Or a cheerleader? Or maybe a nerd—that would explain why she gets along so well with Twilight...”
“Teenage years it is, then.” Star flipped to the middle of the photo album, revealing a rather mortifying picture. My teenage growth spurt had struck me unevenly, gifting me with long legs some time before the rest of my body would grow to match them. Star called me a giraffe as often as she called me a skunk during those years. My smile revealed a full set of dental braces, and my mane had been worked into a crude imitation of Rainbow Dash’s own style. Completing the image was a pink tutu. Of course Star would pick one of the pictures from my ballet recitals.
Rainbow blinked at the image a few times, then covered her mouth in a vain attempt to stifle some giggles. “That's—I remember seeing you with the chicken legs and the braces the first time I visited Cloud, but that manecut and the tutu is ...” Her efforts to contain her laughter failed her, and she started cackling like a madmare.
“Don't be too hard on her, Rainbow,” Sparkler chimed in, pausing for effect. “After all, she has sensational legs!”
“That’s why I used to say she was some kind of weird giraffe-skunk hybrid,” Star tossed out.
I groaned and tossed a desperate look to Cloud, hoping my cousin might come to the rescue. I knew it was a vain hope; Cloud never took sides in my sibling warfare with Star unless one of us did something so far out of line that she felt the need to call us out on it. Breaking out the photo album might be fighting dirty, but it was still fair game as far as Cloud was concerned.
Thankfully, the Princess felt no such need to remain neutral. “I think she looks cute. And really, she must have incredible coordination if she can still perform ballet while in the middle of an awkward teenage growth spurt.”
I gratefully smiled at my Princess. Normally it was the bodyguard’s job to do the protecting, but this time I did not mind the reversal in the slightest.
The prankster trio stared at Twilight for a bit, then Rainbow wrapped her wings around the two younger mares. “You know, while we’re at it maybe we should talk to Twilight's brother about their family's albums. And I bet Princess Cadance has all kinds of stories about when she foalsat Twilight...”
Sparkler grinned at the Princess. “M’gonna really go out on a limb here and guess Twilight had a nerd phase back when she was a teen.”
Rainbow waved Sparkler’s remark aside. “It can’t be a teenage phase if she’s still in it now. At this point, it’s more like a lifestyle choice.” She frowned in thought. Well, I assumed it was thought, though Rainbow’s expression would also suit constipation. However, I was certain I smelled something burning, and it was not Miss Fluttershy’s cooking.
Having finally reached a conclusion, Rainbow grinned and nudged Her Highness. “I bet Twilight was the one with the cheerleader phase! She was a real natural with that crazy cheerleading outfit she made for the Equestria Games tryouts. Almost like she’d done that kind of thing before.”
“I did not have a cheerleader phase!” Twilight snapped. Then, as so often happened, her mouth continued without consulting her mind first. “It was a Sol Invictus phase!” As soon as the words left her mouth, she groaned and slapped her hooves over her mouth.
Rainbow stared at her uncomprehendingly. “A what phase? Is it contagious?”
Star rolled her eyes. “Read a book sometime, Rainbow.” She paused, then amended. “Other than Daring Do. Or just use your head. Everypony knows the Cult of Sol Invictus.” She threw her hooves up into the air demonstratively. “Praise the sun! All hail Celestia and the sacred virtues of harmony! May the sun light your path!”
Rainbow’s eyes brightened in recognition. “Oh yeah! Those guys!”
Sparkler grinned at the princess, and her words would have destroyed Twilight’s prototype sarcasm detector. Or rather, they would have destroyed it if the device had survived its first five minutes after activation. Her Highness is somewhat fond of sardonic wit. “You were a huge Celestia fan? No way!”
Rainbow snorted and matched Sparkler’s tone. “Get out! I don't believe it, do you believe it?” She shot a few exaggerated looks around the room. “‘Cuz I don't believe it.”
“I know, it’s just so crazy!” Star snickered, grabbing her fillyfriend for support. “Who would have thought that the princess's personal student had a high opinion of her?”
Twilight put her wings over her face and groaned.
“Hey, it could be worse.” Sparkler grinned and booped my sister on the nose. “You have no idea how long it took me to get used to her creepy little Shadow statue. I still swear that thing is watching me sometimes...”
Star rolled her eyes. “It’s not. You’re just being ridiculous.”
Sparkler turned to me, “Better watch out, Storm. I bet you twenty bits Twilight’s got herself a creepy little statue of Celestia somewhere. She probably pets it and talks to it and tells it all about her day and stuff.”
“I do not,” the princess growled. “Now can we please change the subject to something else?”
“Sure.” Star turned to our cousin. “So, Cloud, you’re our resident sexpert. Is there any way that, hypothetically speaking, a powerful unicorn or alicorn could animate a statue of somepony like Celestia and turn it into a sex toy to—”
Twilight screamed, there was a bright purple flash, and my sister was gone. Then she teleported Rainbow and Sparkler out of the room too, just for good measure.
“Where did you send them?” She might be annoying, but I still cared my sister’s wellbeing.
“Nowhere dangerous,” Twilight quickly reassured me. “I just dropped them into the river.”
Cloud sighed, but couldn’t stop herself from chuckling. “So much for the big dinner party I had planned.” Her eyes flicked to Miss Fluttershy. “On the bright side, that means Eepy and I can get to bed as soon as Blossom gets home. And maybe go to sleep to couple hours after that.”
Miss Fluttershy’s cheeks pinked. “Oh my...”
Twilight and I flushed as well, but for entirely different reasons. “Highness, I believe that is our cue to—”
She teleported us out before I could finish the sentence.
After the incident at Cloud’s almost-dinner party, Her Highness devoted considerable energy to improving the library’s defenses. I had at least managed to persuade her not to enclose the entire tree within a bubble shield; cutting the rest of the ponies off from their books just to keep out a few pranksters hardly seemed fair. Instead, there were multiple layers of redundant wards specifically keyed to Rainbow Dash, Star, and Sparkler.
We discovered just how effective those wards were a few hours later, when Rainbow knocked on our door. Her mane and tail were in complete disarray, jutting out wildly at every conceivable angle. “Hey guys, can you—”
Before she could say anything more, a small thundercloud drifted up behind her, zapping her right in the cutie mark with a miniature bolt of lightning. She yelped and shot halfway across the yard. The raincloud soon followed her, but Rainbow quickly reversed directions, smacking the cloud to forcibly disperse it.
“It will reform in a few seconds,” I cautioned her.
“Yeah, I noticed.” She rubbed her flank while shooting a baleful look at the cloud, which was already reconstituting itself to renew its assault. “That thing’s been after me ever since I got within a block of the library.”
“And it will cease bothering you as soon as you leave the premises,” I helpfully explained. “Her Highness is taking more active measures to prevent any further pranks.”
“Uh, yeah, about that...” Rainbow tried to slip inside the library itself, only to collide with a solid invisible wall. While she was stunned from that, another small thunderbolt zapped her mane, making it frizz out to the point where it looked even wilder than Pinkie’s. “Gyah! Just lemme in, okay? I’m just here to talk! No pranks, I promise!”
My eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Pinkie Promise?”
“Yeah yeah, whatever.” Rainbow’s hooves hastily shot through the requisite motions.
“Very well then.” I gently tapped the freshly installed wardstone, deactivating the defenses for long enough to let Rainbow Dash inside. She scrambled through the door, warily scanning the room for any other unpleasant surprises. While she did so, I began making my way to the princess’s study. “I will inform Her Highness you are here. And do recall that you Pinkie Promised good behavior. Her Highness has told me that the consequences for violating such an oath are most severe.”
I entered the study, where Her Highness was hard at work—shockingly enough, she was studying. However, before I could inform her of Rainbow’s presence, I heard Rainbow shouting back in the library. The princess sighed and marked her place in the book. “I guess that means Rainbow’s here?”
“Yes. She said she wanted to talk.” I heard a few more Dashian yelps. “I suppose she must have triggered the safety spells you put on your bookshelf after she reorganized it.”
“Sounds like it.” Twilight leaned back in her chair, stretching out all the kinks from her morning study session. “I suppose I should go help her.” A smile slowly crept across her face. “Right after I finish my tea. Would you like a cup too, Storm?”
“That sounds lovely, Highness.”
We returned to the library’s central room a few minutes later. Rainbow was still quite securely attached to the roof by Her Highness’s aetheric adhesive. She glowered down at us as best she could while hanging upside down and glued to the roof. “Took you guys long enough.” Her glare focused in on me. “And you could’ve warned me not to touch the books.”
Twilight dispelled the trap, then caught Rainbow in midair to ensure she had a gentle landing. “Are you really surprised after what you did yesterday?”
“I was just looking for something to do while I waited on you guys.” Rainbow settled onto the ground, stretching out each of her freed limbs in turn. “Didn’t know you’d turned your library into a crazy place full of deathtraps for anypony who dares to touch one of your books. Though I guess I probably should’ve seen that one coming. Just saying, this isn’t gonna be much of a library if nopony is allowed to touch the books.”
“The spells won’t go after anypony but you and your two book-misshelving friends,” Twilight explained, though a moment later she paused and frowned. “Or at least, they haven’t gone after me or Storm. I haven’t really done exhaustive testing on other ponies yet. Ponies aren’t eager to volunteer for testing my wards for some reason.”
“Gee, I can’t imagine why.” The mangled remnants of Her Highness’s sarcasm detector let out a groan of protest and a few tiny puffs of smoke at Rainbow’s remark.
I pointedly cleared my throat. “In any case, Rainbow, you said you came here to talk. We are listening.”
“Right, right...” She licked a hoof and quickly smoothed her mane down. “So, I’ve been thinking...”
“There’s a first time for everything,” Her Highness murmured.
Rainbow glowered at her, then shook her head and continued. “Look, this whole prank war thing is kinda getting played out. I mean, let’s face it—the whole thing is pretty one-sided, and you guys are easy targets. Though I guess that was kinda inevitable. It’s really not a fair contest when you’re up against me.” She shot the two of us a cocky grin, clearly enjoying her chance to gloat a bit. “Anyway, here’s the deal: I’ll talk to Star and Sparkler and get them to call the whole prank war off.” She paused, and her smile widened. “If Twilight makes some sorta royal announcement that I’m the greatest prankster ever.”
“Rainbow...” Twilight growled.
“What? It’s true,” she answered with her usual degree of modesty. “You saw what happened when they tried to prank you without my help. I give them a little advice, help them out with a couple of the tricks, and now they’re doing way better. So really, I’m the one who won the whole thing. I just want a little credit for it is all. Star’ll be happy knowing that she beat Storm, and Sparkler seems to be in it just for the laughs.”
I felt a flare of pure, stubborn pride at the mention of my sister. “Star did not beat me. She merely has me at a temporary disadvantage due primarily to outside interference.” I nodded to Rainbow. “I am not going to lose to that ... brat.”
The princess glanced to me for a moment, then slowly nodded. “I’m with Storm. If you want to just call it quits with the whole prank war, that’s fine, but I am not going use my princesshood to stroke your ego.”
Rainbow shrugged, seeming quite unaffected by our words. “Fine, do whatever you wanna do. But I should probably warn you guys that Star and Sparkler are planning the biggest, scariest, most awesome prank ever. S’why I came here to offer you guys a chance to give up before it gets bad.” She blinked, then hastily continued. “I mean, not bad bad. Pranks are no fun unless everypony’s laughing. Just saying, if you make me break out my ultimate weapon, you guys are gonna be doomed, ‘cause I’ve got an awesome plan.”
Her Highness’s face darkened, her lips drawn into a tight, almost angry scowl. “I think we can take whatever you have planned, Dash. Your idea of a plan is to point everypony in a general direction and yell at them to be awesome. I’m the one who managed to make Ponyville’s Winter Wrap-up finish on time with my organizational skills. You might be a good prankster, but there’s no way you’re a better planner than me.”
Rainbow chuckled and flicked the princess’s nose with one of her feathers. “Oooh, yeah, I’m real scared of egghead powers. You might be good at egghead planning, but I’m way better at awesome planning and actually doing stuff. You guys haven't been able to handle anything I tossed your way.”
“Is that so?” Twilight countered with a smug grin. “Tell me something, oh mistress of doing stuff, why were you having so much trouble against my wards? Because it looked to me like you never would have gotten inside or off of the ceiling without our help.”
Rainbow crossed her forelegs over her chest, grumbling, “I was working it out. You guys just interrupted me before I could figure out how to get past all those freaky defenses you set up.” Her annoyed pout slipped for a bit, and a worried frown took its place. “And really, some of that stuff is going way too far anyway. It’s only a matter of time before somepony else gets hit, and your pranks automatically lose if you hit innocent ponies or they’re so nasty it stops being fun, ‘cause that’s just lame.”
“I think I know just a bit more about how my magic works than you do, Rainbow,” Her Highness answered primly. “And if you think you’ve gotten through all my spells, you’re in for a rude awakening. One of my ancestors said that nothing is more dangerous than a unicorn with enough time to prepare, and I’m an alicorn who was up all night coming up with ideas. You haven't activated half of what I've set up. Isn't that right, Storm?”
“I would peg it at slightly below twenty percent, Highness,” I answered dutifully. In truth, I was somewhat concerned that the princess had apparently foregone sleep just to plan out pranks, but I suppose I should not have been surprised. The princess, like many great ponies, was prone to losing track of time once some new project consumed her attention.
“Only twenty percent?” Twilight shot a quick smirk at her friend. “I thought it would be more. You guys are behind schedule. Almost sluggish, really. I was expecting better.”
That most certainly got Rainbow’s attention. She never could resist a challenge. “I can take anything you dish out! You wouldn't know a good prank if it zapped you in the plot! There’s no way you can beat me at pranking!”
“Oh really?” Twilight trotted right up to Rainbow, pointedly meeting her eyes. “I’ve found I can do just about anything as long as I set my mind to it, and lately I’ve been setting my mind to finding a way to get back at you for all those pranks.” She lifted her chin up proudly. “Just because I’m not an avid prankster like you doesn’t mean I can’t hold my own in a fight. I read three books about pranking last night.”
“You can’t read three books in one night!” Rainbow objected.
“Sounds like somepony never learned how to speed-read,” the princess countered. “And it’s easy to read three books a night when you don’t sleep. I usually like to take my time enjoying a book instead of rushing through it, but...”
“Oh whatever,” Rainbow groused, shooting an annoyed glance at the princess. “So you read a couple books. Big deal. There’s still a big difference between reading about it in a book and doing it for real, Twilight.”
“Funny, that’s almost exactly what you said before I beat you and Applejack in the Running of the Leaves,” she shot back, a confident little grin on her face. “And I only read one book before I did that. You sure you want to do this?”
Rainbow flapped up, aggressively getting eye-to-eye with Twilight. If the two of them were not such close friends, I likely would have stepped in and forced Rainbow out of Twilight’s personal space. “I never back down from a fight.”
“Fine then.” Twilight answered, flapping her wings and meeting Rainbow on her own level. “If that’s how you want things to be, then that’s how they’ll be. Storm, activate Operation Stardust.”
I dutifully crushed one of the small gems the princess had entrusted me with. I might not be a unicorn, but growing up with one and my training at West Hoof left me more than a little familiar with spellwork. It was easy enough to activate a series of contingent spells like the ones Her Highness had arranged for Operation Stardust.
There was a bright flash from outside, visible through the library windows. Rainbow tried to stay cool and uncaring, but after a few seconds she could not restrain her curiosity any longer and rushed to the windows. Her jaw dropped. “What did you do to my house?!”
I glanced out the window as well, taking in the rather impressive sight. Rainbow’s oversized cloud house had been completely redone in Twilight’s colors, and her cutie mark was prominently stamped on the side of the building. The final touch was the huge, shimmering banner that declared in massive letters, ‘Princess Twilight Sparkle is 35% more awesome than I am!’
While Rainbow stared at her home in utter dismay, the princess grinned at her, looking almost fiendish. “You would be surprised to learn how many pranks I can do with all the magic I have at my disposal.”
Rainbow was positively trembling with anger. “Oh, that does it! Nopony messes with my house! You want a prank war? Fine! Let’s have a prank war!” She pulled out a gem of her own, which I instantly recognized as Star’s work. “I was hoping I wouldn’t have to use this, but it’s on now!”
I frowned, stepping forward to place myself between the princess and the prankster. “Rainbow, you did promise not to prank us. I think perhaps it would be best if—”
“She went after my house!” Rainbow shouted, crushing her own gem underhoof. Then she grinned triumphantly at the both of us. “Besides, it's the brat duo who are pranking you. I was just carrying one of Star’s tracking gems, the same way anypony who spends any time around her does. Sparkler’s always got at least three of them on her. How was I supposed to know Star would use my gem for a target lock?”
I wonder what Pinkie Pie would think of abusing loopholes in the Pinkie Promise. I suppose we would find out soon enough. I also heard Her Highness growl something under her breath about writing up an airtight Pinkie Promise for future usage.
Rainbow’s grin nearly took in her ears, but as her eyes lingered on one of the bookshelves, she paused, and a brief flicker of concern passed over her face. Then she quickly asked, “You do have some kinda waterproofing spell on all your books and stuff, right?”
“Yes,” Twilight answered almost on reflex. A moment later, her eyes widened in dismay. “Wait, why would you need to ask—”
The rest of her question quickly became moot as a massive torrent of liquid hit the room of the library. At first I thought she must be attacking us with a sudden rainstorm or the like. Then I looked out the window and saw that the rain looked entirely too colorful for it to be simple water. Apparently she had redirected one of her liquid rainbow waterfalls so that it would deposit its contents directly on top of the library.
Rainbow fell onto her back, all six of her limbs twitching as she laughed wildly. Her Highness, however, was far less amused. While the defensive spells on the tree had prevented any property damage, the entire outside of the tree now had an almost blinding rainbow glow, and the liquid had settled into a shallow trench around the library itself, creating something that almost looked like a moat. The ground around the library was likely so heavily saturated that everypony who visited the library for the rest of the day would be leaving behind rainbow-colored hoofprints.
The princess fixed Rainbow with a deadly serious glare, her teeth clenched. “You three realize, of course, that this means war.”
Rainbow pulled herself off the floor, meeting Twilight’s glare with a confident, almost eager smirk. “Yeah, well, you heard what I said. Bring. It. On.” With each word she flapped a bit closer, all but daring Twilight to act against her.
“Oh, I will.” She stepped forward, meeting Rainbow’s unspoken dare. “I am going to destroy all three of you.”
“We'll see.” Rainbow took off and zipped out the door, shutting it behind her.
Her Highness glowered after the retreating pegasus for some time, as if she could strike the mare down just by focusing antipathy towards her. Finally she shook her head, then turned to face me. “Remember when I said I had a few ideas for pranks that I thought might be going a bit too far?” She trotted over to one of her private bookshelves and pulled out a few books, then reached back and pushed against a hidden switch. Her secret compartment opened up, and she carefully extracted a bundle of scrolls wrapped in black ribbon. “I think it’s time to revisit those plans.”
I knew my princess well enough to be concerned by this considerable escalation of the conflict, but it was still my duty to serve her. And perhaps I was merely being overly concerned; her plans to avenge herself upon my sister, Rainbow Dash, and Sparkler might well be entirely reasonable. And in any case, having her prepare for a prank war would be good practice for dealing with actual threats. “Very well, then. Brief me, Highness.” I paused, glancing out the window. “Though perhaps we should take appropriate measures to ensure that the library will not be flooded with liquid rainbow first. Not that I doubt your wards, but in all likelihood, Star and the others will be looking for some way to cancel out your magic. It is by far your greatest advantage in any conflict with them.”
Twilight sighed and worked a few spells, deepening the trench which held the liquid rainbow and building up an embankment around the library. “There, that should handle it. Since the books are protected against anything short of direct magical assault, they should be fine. Even if some of the liquid gets in, it won’t be any worse than that time the whole town was corrupted with evil magic.”
“Which time, Highness?”
Her Highness blinked a few times, then groaned and massaged her temples. “There is something seriously wrong with my life when that’s a question that needs to be asked.”
“I could not say if there was anything wrong with your life, Princess.” Twilight did seem cursed to live in interesting times. I was somewhat surprised the locals had not objected to the fact that the town had been devastated and rebuilt several times since Her Highness first moved here. It seemed that the library was the only building that had not been leveled or at least severely damaged in the last few years. Though given how promptly the repairs were always completed, perhaps the locals were simply used to such tribulations by now.
The princess covered all the windows then enclosed the room in a magic circle and put a privacy spell over both of us before slowly opening the scrolls. “There is going to be a reckoning. I tried to be nice and tolerant about the pranks, but nooo. They just had to keep pushing it...”
I considered cautioning her that she was ranting again, but decided against it. In truth, I largely agreed with her sentiments. “I think the three of them are past due for a bit of well-earned retribution.” I waved at her scrolls. “What did you have in mind?”
Twilight carefully unfurled each scroll, setting them all down on the floor, as it was the only place large enough to hold them all. The scrolls were numbered, each one presumably outlining a specific prank or phases in some grand plan. “Have a look for yourself.”
I dutifully did so, beginning with scroll number one and working my way through the list. The first scroll gave a general overview of her plans and objectives for ‘Operation Evil Pranksters Must Suffer!’ From there, she outlined all twenty-seven phases of the two hundred forty three part plan to win the prank war. It would seem that Her Highness is not a believer in the KISS principle. Simple plans have fewer things that can go wrong. “These plans are incredibly detailed, Princess.”
Twilight beamed, clearly taking my remark as a compliment. “I know!” She clapped her hooves a few times, grinning down at the plan. “It took me all night to finish, but who needs sleep when I have something this important to work on? It was all worth it to get this plan finished. I'm really proud of how it all comes together at the end.”
“But of course, Highness.” My eyes drifted to the last section of the scroll, which seemed to consist of diagrams that made my eyes sting whenever I looked at them and text that was a mixture of Old Pegasopolan and Old Unicornian. Matters were not helped by the fact that it was written entirely in crayon. “I must confess I have a few small concerns I would like to address before we implement it.”
The princess waved her hooves impatiently. “Yes, there are a few instances where the time windows aren't as wide as I would like. That just means we have to move quickly.”
“Of course, Princess.” I decided to start with one of the simpler problems, and work my way up. “Phase Five relies on a functioning sarcasm detector in order to work. I feel compelled to point out that your prototype lasted less than five minutes before it melted.” I helpfully pointed the remnants of the device. “I have no idea why it broke so quickly.” The twisted mass of wires and circuits let out a feeble groan of protest.
Twilight shot a strained smile at the machine and let out a nervous giggle. “Uh, you're working like a charm, aren't you sarcasm detector?” Despite the fact that it contained no flammable components, the device somehow caught fire. The princess quickly grabbed a fire extinguisher and put it out. “I don’t even remember why I built that in the first place.”
“I am sure you had a perfectly good reason, Highness.” I cannot imagine what it would be, but Her Highness always has her reasons. “Moving on, I must question where we will find enough lederhosen to execute Phase Eleven on such short notice. Pinkie Pie might be an option, but I think she would be inclined to take Rainbow Dash’s side in a protracted prank war.” Not to mention her face had featured prominently in one of the diagrams in Phase Twenty-Seven.
“Oh, that’ll be easy,” she assured me. “Rarity has plenty of contacts in the fashion industry, I’m sure she could set that up; I’ll just owe her a favor or two afterwards. No big deal.”
“Of course, Highness.” I paused, taking a deep breath and carefully composing myself before moving to one of the more hazardous aspects of her plan. “While I do not think it to be so, some ponies might regard Phase Seventeen as an abuse of your royal power.”
“Says the pony who’s always saying I should use my royal power more often,” Her Highness groused, shooting a playful glare my way. “What’s the point of being a princess if I can’t actually stretch my wings every once in a while?”
I held a steady gaze, not challenging her, but also not conceding the matter. “Perhaps we could find a less controversial way to accomplish the same goal?”
The princess sighed and impatiently waved my objections away. “Fine, fine, we’ll look into alternatives that won’t permanently alter the Ponyville skyline, though I still say it would be an improvement in the long term. But no matter what else we have to cut, Phase Twenty-Four stays.”
“Yes ... Phase Twenty-Four.” I pursed my lips as I regarded the section, written in what I devoutly hoped was just red-brown ink. “If I might speak bluntly, I am amazed that the actions you suggest in that phase are not illegal. It inclines me to think that the relevant statutes should be updated as soon as possible.”
Twilight’s smile grew almost disturbingly wide, and one of her ears started twitching madly. “Oh don’t worry, I checked my law books last night, and that loophole is still wiiideopen. Though we should probably do something about that after I get back at those three.”
“That would be prudent,” I remarked dryly. At that point I was beginning to grasp Her Highness’s current mood, and decided to move on to the largest issues of the current plan in the hope that her sanity might reassert itself given the proper stimuli. “And finally, we have Phase Twenty-seven.” I quickly averted my eyes from the scroll in question. “I think the problems with that are rather self-evident.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The princess faced the scroll, and one of her eyes began spasming slightly when she looked at it for too long. I hastily interposed a wing between her and the scroll before she could expose herself to it any more than she already had.
I attempted to keep my tone as even and reasonable as possible. “I have not read much in the way of Old Pegasopolan or Old Unicornian since I graduated, but assuming I have translated all the relevant passages correctly, I believe that Princess Luna will likely object to it. I have heard she is rather fond of the moon.”
“We can fix that later,” she assured me with a dismissive wave. “All I need to do is invent an explosion-reversal spell. That won’t be hard at all.” She tried to maneuver past my wing to get another look at the scroll, but I resolutely denied her access. “I thought I had a formula for the spell written down, but I did come up with that part while I was half-asleep and only running on caffeine, so...”
I regarded the princess levelly. “Yes, most plans that involve destroying a major celestial body just to win a pranking contest do involve some level of some impaired judgement.”
The princess scoffed. “Oh, what's one more apocalypse on top of the pile? Besides, maybe Luna hates the moon after being imprisoned there for a thousand years. Or maybe it’s like when Rainbow smashed Applejack’s barn so she could build a new, better one. This is the perfect chance for Luna to make a better moon!”
I suppose that was theoretically possible, but it seemed rather unlikely. It was certainly a thin line of reasoning upon which to destroy the moon, especially considering the extremely low stakes of the conflict with my sister and her allies. “Be that as it may, Highness, might I suggest we replace that phase of the plan with something less...” I desperately struggled to find an appropriate term, ignoring the small voice in the back of my mind that kept suggesting that ‘insane’ would do nicely. Finally, I settled on, “Ambitious?”
“I know what I'm doing,” she brusquely assured me.
I repressed the urge to sigh and apply my hoof to my face. “Of course you do, Highness.”
The princess nodded, seeming quite satisfied with my answer. “Now if you don't have any other issues with my plan, I’d like to get started on laying the groundwork for Phase One...”
“I have nothing more to say on the matter at this time, Highness.” Judging by her current state, any further words on the matter would be wasted in any case. “Shall I secure some breakfast while you plan?”
Her Highness answered with a distracted nod, occupying herself with putting away the rest of her scrolls before focusing exclusively on the first one. “Yes, food would be good. We have a long day ahead of us and so much to do.” She grinned and opened up the door to her basement laboratory, trotting down the stairs. “Now where did I put my aether modification rod?”
While Her Highness busied herself her plans, I made for the kitchens. As I had hoped would be the case, Spike was present and engaged in preparing our breakfast. The dragon greeted me with a slightly nervous smile. “Oh, hey, Storm. I'm not messing with the food, promise!” He quickly showed me that the eggs, toast, and haybacon were all precisely as they should be. “You don’t need to keep an eye on me or anything while I’m cooking, okay? I learned my lesson, and I definitely don't wanna get even more grounded than I already am.”
I waved his assurances away. “I believe you, but that is not why I am here.” The dragon frowned at me, waiting for an explanation. “Take a letter, if you would please...”
I made my way down to the basement a few minutes later, carrying two plates loaded down with a larger breakfast than normal. Twilight would appreciate the extra food, given that she had missed a night’s sleep. I have always found that sleep deprivation leaves me with a larger appetite, presumably on account of my body trying to compensate by gaining new energy through other means.
Her Highness had been quite busy in my absence. She had already pulled out and powered on some large device the likes of which I had never seen before. As she trotted about it checking connections and making adjustments, the princess whistled a cheerful tune to herself, seeming quite oblivious to the world at large.
I politely cleared my throat to gain her attention. “Breakfast is served, Highness. It looks to be an especially fine meal; Spike has been working very hard to redeem himself.”
The princess barely looked up from her work. “That smells great, I’ll have to remember to thank him for it later.” She pulled out a notepad and jotted down a quick reminder. “Just put it to the side for now, please. I'll get to it in a moment.”
I had hoped that the food might occupy Twilight long enough for the rest of my plan to come to fruition. Though Phase One was a relatively straightforward and reasonable plan, it would be much easier to dissuade her if we did so before her plans built up momentum. “Highness, you will be able to better execute your righteous vengeance against your enemies on a full stomach. And it is healthier if you eat properly.”
Twilight sighed, then smiled tiredly. “Always looking out for me, aren’t you?” She trotted over and gave me a quick hug, which was somewhat surprising but not at all unwelcome. “Thanks.” She held the hug for several seconds, then slowly released me. “Someday I'm going to create or find a spell that lets me do without all those little things. Imagine how much more work I could get done if I never needed to take breaks, sleep, eat, or use the bathroom!”
“But until you manage such a feat, you still need to eat.” I pointedly set the tray down in front of her. It was undoubtedly a very good thing that Her Highness had an active social life that required her to regularly leave the library. Otherwise nothing short of direct force would be able to remove her from her books should she invent such a spell.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yes, yes, you’ve made your point...” She quickly swallowed a bite of toast. “See? I’m eating. Are you happy now?”
“Ecstatic.” I settled in next to her and began dutifully eating my own meal. While I took the time to enjoy Spike’s cooking, the princess was almost frantically shoveling the food into her mouth, only pausing to jot a few things down on her notepad. I pointedly cleared my throat, then made a show displaying proper table manners for refined company. The princess grumbled under her breath, but slowed her pace to something that would at least not actively shame me if it were seen in public.
Thankfully, her reduced pace bought the needed time for my plans to come to fruition. Just as Her Highness was soaking up the last of her eggs with her toast, there was a loud knock upon the front door. The princess frowned and quickly checked her spells. “Well, it’s not one of those three, so it should be safe. Probably just somepony who wants to use the library.” Her ears perked up and she rose from her seat. “Maybe it’s somepony who can help me deal with them. Let’s go see who it is.”
I followed Her Highness as she trotted up the stair and threw open the door. “Hello, welcome to—” She froze, her eyes wide in shock. “P-Princess Celestia! What are you doing here?” She blinked, then quickly shook her head. “N-not that it’s not great to see you again, I just...”
Princess Celestia answered her with a gentle, reassuring smile. “It’s quite alright, Princess Twilight. Though I would prefer if we dispensed with formality. Titles can get tiring very quickly. May I come in for a minute?”
“Oh! Of course!” From the nervous flush on Her Highness’s cheeks, I surmised that despite their legal equality now, in her heart Twilight still saw herself as Celestia’s student, not her peer. Perhaps that would change as she grew accustomed to her crown, but it would not happen on this day. “I didn't know you were coming!” She looked over the all but immaculate library. “This place is a wreck, I'm so sorry! Here, let me clean up ... er, everything!”
Princess Celestia quickly lifted a hoof to forestall the impending flurry of cleaning spells. “It's quite alright, Twilight. The library looks wonderful, and this is only a short visit.” She paused, then pointedly looked at the liquid rainbow coating the outside of the library and pooled around it. “Though it seems you have been experiencing some rather interesting times lately.”
“Oh, that’s nothing worth worrying about,” Twilight hastily reassured her, a forced smile straining her face. “It was just a tiny little prank.”
Princess Celestia’s eyes sparkled, and a distinctly mischievous smile graced her lips. “Oh, it was a prank, was it? Well well well...”
“It is entirely my fault, Princess Celestia,” I volunteered. “My sister and I have always had a sibling rivalry, and when she decided to prank me, Her Highness became involved. Then Rainbow Dash took an interest, and matters have since escalated. Rainbow intends to prove that she is the greatest prankster in Equestria, and will not leave off until Her Highness concedes as such.”
“Oh is that what happened?” The supreme ruler of Equestria’s grin continued to steadily grow. “Well, I can think of a few who might dispute her claim to that title.”
Twilight smiled sheepishly. “I maaay have been planning on trying to beat her at her own game.”
Princess Celestia nodded approvingly. “Well, let's have a look then. You might not be my student anymore, but I'm sure you won't mind indulging my curiosity for a bit. I was something of a prankster in my own youth, so I might even have a little bit of advice.”
There was a hint of a nervous squeak in Twilight’s voice. “I already have all two hundred forty three stages of the plan fully outlined and divided into twenty-seven phases.” She quickly levitated her bundle of scrolls over to the other princess, a hopeful yet frightened grin on her face.
As Princess Celestia read over her former student’s slow descent into borderline madness, I silently pleaded for her to spare Twilight’s dignity. I had left my letter to Celestia vague for precisely that reason; however flawed Twilight’s plan might be, she would be utterly crushed if Celestia disapproved of it. My princess had not yet escaped from beneath her mentor’s shadow. Princess Celestia’s eyes briefly flicked to me, and she offered a nod so shallow that it might not have happened at all.
Celestia then turned to Her Highness, smiling approvingly. “This is an outstanding plan. The level of detail you’ve put into it is absolutely incredible, Twilight.” The princess’s answering smile was heartwarming. “That said, I do see one or two areas where I could make a small improvement to your design.” She produced a quill. “If you don’t mind, of course.”
“Of course not!” Twilight answered eagerly, quickly securing an inkpot for her fellow princess. “You’re more than welcome to give me as much advice as you want.”
“Thank you, Twilight.” Princess Celestia promptly set to work on Twilight’s plan, all but discarding everything beyond the very early stages. Thankfully, a few of Her Highness’s early plans proved salvageable with only minimal modifications, or none at all. “How does that look?”
Twilight frowned, carefully looking it over. “Well, this does seem a lot more concise than what I had in mind, but it does address all those issues Storm brought up. I really hate to lose some of my later plans, though. I was looking forward to Phase Twenty-One...”
“It was certainly ... unique,” Celestia allowed. “Still, perhaps that was for the best. Luna would be rather upset by Phase Twenty-Seven, and Phase Twenty-Four has brought a few legal issues to my attention. But let’s not dwell on that.” She leaned forward, meeting Her Highness’s eyes with a conspiratorial grin. “Well then, shall we get to it?”
Twilight responded in kind. “No time like the present.”
I felt a fierce pulse of pride as I saw the two princesses begin laying the groundwork for their counterattack. My sister and her friends had made a grave error when they decided to mess with my princess.
Sparkler was the first one to give up. She trotted up to the edge of Her Highness’s wards, a glowing orb slowly orbiting around her head. Judging by the white flag she had improvised out of a piece of wood and a bedsheet, she’d reached her breaking point.
Princess Twilight and I trotted out to meet her. As we drew nearer, I could make out more details of the young mare’s appearance. There were dark circles under her eyes, her mane was in disarray, and she seemed to have developed a nervous tic. Her eyes constantly remained on the orb, as if waiting for an attack that could come at any moment. Which, to be fair, was precisely what the orb would do.
Sparkler visibly relaxed once the two of us were standing before her, just inside the protective circle of Her Highness’s wards on the library. “I just wanna say, you guys are—”
“HEY!” the orb shrieked at her.
“Gyah!” Sparkler jumped in shock, then glowered balefully the orb. “Every time, every feathering time I start to let my guard down just a bit, it starts going—”
“HEY!” the orb helpfully supplied again.
“Well, that is what I ordered it to do.” There was just a touch of smugness in Twilight’s voice.
“N’that’s why you’re an evil, evil mare,” the teenager groused. “So what’s it gonna take to make this thing—”
“HEY!”
“Shut UP!” Sparkler shrieked at the glowing ball. The orb’s response was entirely predictable. The young mare tried to take a moment to compose herself, but the instant she started calming down the ball shouted at her again, completely ruining her concentration. “AAUUGH!”
Miss Pie—Pinkie, stuck her head out of a nearby door. “Gee, Sparkler, maybe you just need to listen to what it wants to say?”
Sparkler took a deep breath and continued as calmly as she could manage in her rattled state. “Miss Pinkie? If you've ever loved my godmom as your fillyfriend, I'd like you t—
“HEY!”
Sparkler flinched away from the orb. “Okay, t’Tartarus that.” Her shoulders slumped and her head dropped low. “I give. I don’t care what you want. I surrender. I’ll swear fealty, give you my firstborn, whatever. Just make it shuddup before I completely snap and—”
“HEY!”
By this point, Sparkler was so worn down that she just kept on talking over the orb’s shouting, though we missed a few critical words due to it. “... with a motherbucking pig if I have to.” She groaned and all but lay flat on her belly. “Please?”
Her Highness nodded once. “I will accept your surrender, so long as you promise not to prank myself or Storm again unless we prank you first or give you permission. Deal?”
“Deal,” she answered instantly. Twilight dismissed the tiny spirit that had been following Sparkler, and the teenager looked almost pathetically grateful. “Thanks. M’gonna go get some sleep and just be glad ‘M not getting yelled at any—”
“HEY!”
Sparkler leapt ten feet into the air, then landed flat on her back, all four legs pointed straight up. Pinkie took one look at the results of her prank and cracked up. Her Highness and I were not far behind her.
Rainbow Dash was the next to throw in the towel, in the wee hours of the morning. Though the timing of that might have had something to do with the prank targeting her. “Hurry up and lemme in!” She whined from outside the circle, darting furtive looks at the nearby dark houses. “Come on! Somepony’s gonna see!”
After due consideration, Her Highness and I agreed to allow Rainbow admittance into the library. Rainbow darted inside the instant we opened the door and dropped the wards, slamming the door shut behind her. “Thanks.” Rainbow quickly checked to make sure it was just the three of us inside. “Now hurry up and get this crazy outfit off of me! Imagine what would happen if somepony took a picture! My reputation would be ruined!”
“And that would be terrible,” Her Highness agreed. “So you want me to get rid of the spell?”
“Yes!” Rainbow hissed. “I don’t know what you did to make these clothes stay on me no matter what I do, but I’ve tried everything! Where did you even get a dress this frilly and pink? Even Rarity would say it’s going way too far!”
“Perhaps I asked one of my old ballet friends?” I suggested archly. “In any case, I am sure you spoke with Sparkler. You know our terms. Will you accept them?”
Rainbow groaned, looked down herself, then rubbed a hoof down her muzzle. “Okay, fine, but the deal is off if I see any pictures of me dressed up in the paper? Got it? Nopony ever sees me looking like this again. Ever.”
“Deal.” Her Highness’s horn glowed. A few seconds later Rainbow let out a relieved sigh, then darted out the door. Completely unclothed, just the way she’d been when she arrived.
“Do you think she will ever realize you hit her with a modified Empress’s New Clothes spell?” I asked my princess.
“Probably not.” Her Highness slowly shook her head. “I really wish we could’ve seen the outfit she believed she was wearing. It must’ve been incredible...”
Amusingly enough, my sister had unwittingly provided us with the very tool we needed to destroy her the first time she visited the library: the tracking gem she’d planted on me.
My sister is good at making tracking gems. Very good. But her work wasn’t good enough to stand up intense scrutiny from Twilight Sparkle.
We knew the instant Twilight’s spell took effect, because the tracking gem my sister had left behind loudly announced, “Hi! I’m a tracking device! I belong to Stalker-mare, and you’re her very favorite pony to stalk!”
“And that puts us at three for three,” I concluded, quite satisfied with the outcome. It was a rare treat to see my sister humbled. It was the little things like this that made being Her Highness’s bodyguard worthwhile.
“Yes it does.” Her Highness nodded. “I’m just glad we’re done with all this prank business once and for all. I don’t know what we would’ve done without Celestia’s help.”
Before I could speculate an answer, a single severed leg opened up our front door and walked in through it. Then an eyeball fell out of the ceiling and a wing fluttered in through a window. More and more discorporated body parts entered the library until at last we were face-to-face with Discord himself. Despite the fact that the fiend was officially reformed now, I quickly placed myself between him and Her Highness. One can never be too careful in the face of such an obvious security risk.
If Discord was offended by my position, he gave no indication of it. Instead he conjured a huge chair, lounging back in it. “I just thought I should say that I am very, very hurt right now. You had a prank war on your hooves and you went to Celestia for help? When I was right here in Ponyville?” He wiped several ridiculously oversized tears from his eyes. “Everypony knows that I am the greatest prankster Equestria has ever seen. It’s not my fault some ponies just have a terrible sense of humor.”
Her Highness was not about to let her former teacher’s honor go undefended. “Celestia is twice the prankster you are!”
“Oh really?” A calculating smile crossed the draconequus’s face. “Let’s put that to the test, shall we? I’ve been itching for something fun to do lately...” He snapped his talons and promptly vanished from the library.
“Another prank war?” Twilight groaned. “But we just finished this one!”
I pointedly cleared my throat. “If I might be so bold as to offer some advice on a matter of royal policy, I think perhaps Princess Celestia is capable of defending her own honor, and our interests would be better served by remaining neutral.”
Her Highness answered my proposal with a quick grateful smile. “I knew there was a reason I made you my bodyguard.”
And that is how the Great Prank War—or at least our part in it—ended.
