Perfidious Pranksters and Perilous Predicaments
It began that evening when Star knocked on the library’s front door. I answered the door with a perfectly reasonable degree of suspicion. “Hello, Star. Was there something you wanted?”
My sister brushed off my brusque greeting. “Sheesh, way to make me feel welcome. I did take a few days off to see you, you know.” She paused and smirked. “Well, you and my marefriend.” She trotted in and gave me a hug, which I returned once I was certain she was not trying to stick a sign on my back or otherwise act against me. She did plant one of her tracking gems on me, but that was to be expected. My sister is a bit strange. “Mom and Dad send their love. And I guess you’ve got mine too, even if you are a big stinky skunk.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yes, yes. So tell me sister, have you been stalking anypony in particular lately, or are you focused on systematically violating everypony’s right to privacy equally?”
Star scoffed and trotted in, taking a seat on one of Her Highness’s cushions. “Hey, everypony’s got a different way of showing that they care. Some ponies hug, some kiss, I plant tracking devices. The important thing is that I care.” She opened up her saddlebag and pulled out a plain white package. “Speaking of caring, I picked up a little something for you. Now that you’re stuck out in small town-ville, I figured you were missing your favorite food group.”
I opened up the package and saw several frozen meat patties waiting for me. My mouth might have watered a bit at the sight. I wrapped a wing around Star. “You are a good sister.”
“Of course I am.” She grinned and hugged me again. Once more, I checked to ensure that she was not setting me up for some sort of prank. Nothing except the second tracking device she had planted on me. Perhaps I should do something about that once she was gone.
I did not like how friendly and nice she was being. Not that I disliked being treated well by Star, but I had enough experience with her to realize that she was being a bit too nice. Which could only mean that she was setting me up for something. A horrifying thought occurred. “You did not do anything to my meat, did you?”
“I didn’t mess with it!” Star protested, her face the very picture of wounded innocence. “Sheesh, can’t I just do something nice for you without any ulterior motives?”
“No.” Many years of experience has taught me to be wary of little sisters bearing gifts.
“I feel the love,” she grumbled, shifting on her cushion. “Seriously, the meat’s totally fine. I promise. I might love messing with you, but there are lines I would never cross. If I screwed with your meat you’d never speak with me again.” She smirked and nudged me. “Or you’d take me down to some sort of freaky butcher shop in your basement and carve me up the next time your carnivore urges overwhelmed you.”
“Yes, I frequently murder ponies to feed my insatiable cannibal hunger,” I countered drily. “In case you wondered, I have already written to our parents to get permission to eat you. They were quite happy to grant it, as they find you every bit as bothersome as I do. After all, you were nothing but an accident.”
Star rolled her eyes. “Oh, ha ha ha, that joke gets funnier every time I hear it.” She smirked and poked me in the chest. “Besides, you forgot that I’m working for Princess Luna now. She’d hate to lose her favorite new officer.”
“I wrote to her too,” I deadpanned. “She said it was fine if I boiled you alive as long as I sent her a cup of the soup.” I sighed dramatically. “Pity. I was hoping to grill you instead. Or perhaps deep-fry; you certainly have enough fat for it.”
“Oh, and now a fat joke. That’s real original, Storm.” She got up and stretched. “I bet you’ll start in on the ‘your mama’ jokes soon, because you’re so boneheaded you forgot that she’s your mother too.”
“Unless you were adopted.” I theorized. “It would explain how Mother was able to have another child so soon after me. And why you’re a unicorn when the rest of our family are pegasi.”
My sister scoffed. “Yes, me being adopted is a much more likely explanation than the fact that our grandfather was a unicorn. Clearly. This is why you’re the brawn of our classic brains-brawn duo.”
I chuckled. “This is your way of admitting that I am stronger than you, then?”
Star smirked and gave me a few condescending pats on the head. “Whatever you have to tell yourself in order to sleep at night, meathead.” She paused, then let out a snort of laughter. “Oh, that one works way better on you, ‘cause you actually eat the stuff.” She poked the side of my head. “Or do you actually eat animal brains now to try and boost your own? I heard that shamans do that in other cultures, and you did mention there’s a zebra shaman living in the forest...” She waved her hooves around my head, mimicking spellcasting. “By the power of animals and the night, something might grow in here—it just might!”
There were times when I missed the days when we were young enough that I could get physical with her. She had been much easier to deal with when we’d had fillyhood scuffles. “Did you come here planning to be an annoying brat, or does it just come naturally to you?”
“Yes, and yes,” she answered with a cheeky grin. “My lovely muse inspires me to new heights whenever we're around each other. And don’t get all stoic and grumpy with me.” She threw one of her forelegs over my shoulders, the other waving around as if she were showing me a work of art. “I think of it as an opportunity. An experiment, even! Your resolve is pretty well set for just me; now we get to see how you handle me and my plus one.” She gave me a friendly squeeze. “You should be thanking me—we're helping you practice for the future.”
I gently shrugged her leg off. “Somehow I doubt you are doing this strictly for my benefit and out of the kindness of your heart.”
She put a hoof over her chest and swooned dramatically. “Why, Storm, dearest sister, you wound me so!”
“It is often said that the truth hurts,” I countered smoothly.
“Touché.” She frowned, then extracted herself from my side. “So, much as I love teasing you, which way’s the bathroom?”
I sighed and provided her with directions, which she quickly followed at a fast trot. It was not until she was firmly behind the locked, albeit crooked, door that I realized this might have been a ploy on her part. There were all manner of terrible pranks she might be setting up in the bathroom at that very moment. In fact, her entire visit and the subsequent conversation might have been nothing but an excuse to gain unsupervised access to the facilities.
For all I knew, right now she could be greasing the toilet seat or applying hot sauce to it. Or reversing the cold and hot water handles in the shower. Or rigging the soap dispenser so that it would spray into my face the next time I used it. Or...
The toilet flushed, and my sister trotted out. “I’m done.”
I slipped into the bathroom and was about to get to work searching for pranks when yet another thought struck me. What if Star was pulling some sort of double bluff prank? Maybe I was supposed to think she had sabotaged the bathroom, and she would have unrestricted access to the rest of the library while I was searching it?
I could not risk it. I could always check where she had been later. Right now I needed to keep a close eye on her. I trotted back out into the library’s main room and saw Star chatting with Spike from her seat on the couch. I didn’t catch what she said, but a second later the baby dragon waddled off with my package of meat. Star then turned to me, grinning. “Hey, sis. I was just letting him know to make one of your meatburgers tonight instead of a hayburger.”
I glowered at her suspiciously, but Star’s friendly smile gave away nothing. I did not think it too likely that Spike would help her prank me, but I was going to be inspecting my sandwich very closely before I ate any of it. After all, Star did have quite a few gems on hoof due to her enchanting projects, and Spike was susceptible to bribery.
Star looked over at me, grinned, then took several exaggerated looks around the room. “You know, I couldn’t help but notice that your princess's royal palace looks a lot like a small-town library...”
I answered her with dry sarcasm. “Really? I had not noticed...”
She shrugged and waved dismissively. “Then again, I'm probably jaded from all my time in Canterlot Royal Palace. You know, where my princess lives.”
“I have heard a few wild rumors that Princess Luna resides in the palace, yes.” I offered her a poisonously sweet smile. “When will they let you see her?”
My sister rolled her eyes. “For your information, I've already met her a couple times. Hay, she hired me personally. Hoof-picked me. You had to be appointed to your position, right?”
I frowned as that barb hit a bit closer than I would have liked. Though Princess Twilight and I were getting along quite well now, when I had first entered her service she had been less than welcoming. Still, that was well in the past now, and I could not let Star’s remark go unanswered. “Luna herself hired you, did she? That is odd. I would have thought that the papers would report it if she hit her head that hard.”
Star answered by grabbing the pillow she had been sitting on and smacking me in the face with it. I answered by swatting her upside the head with one of my wings, taking due care to ensure that my wing-blades did not come near her flesh in the process. Thankfully, matters did not escalate any further beyond that point.
My sister and I both chuckled at our brief near-scuffle. After a few seconds, Star stepped closer and smiled with genuine fondness. “S'good to see you again, Skunky.”
I answered her smile. She might be an utter pest, but she was still my sister. “Good to see you too, Stalker-mare. I missed you.”
“Yeah, same here.” We held that smile for a bit longer, then my sister stepped forward and gave me a quick hug. “I checked in with Cloud after I was done catching up with Sparkler. She wants to do dinner tomorrow night. That work for you?”
I quickly called the princess’s schedule to mind; there was nothing terribly important planned for tomorrow. “I would need to ask Her Highness first, but I expect that she would be able to give me the night off.”
“Cool.” Star thought it over for a moment, then added, “Though Cloud would probably be fine with Princess Twilight coming along too. Sparkler and Rainbow are gonna be there, so it’s not exactly a private family meeting. And the princess is friends with one of Cloud's ... er...”
“Paramours?” I suggested. I did not entirely approve of Cloud’s lifestyle, but it was her life to do with as she pleased. I certainly was not going to speak ill of her, especially not in front of another member of the family—Star had always looked up to our older cousin. I had once, but as I had matured, her flaws became somewhat more apparent. I suppose that is one of the inevitable hazards of growing older: we realize that our idols are actually not the paragons we once imagined, but merely flawed, imperfect ponies like the rest of us. Perhaps Star was still young enough to overlook that, or perhaps I had simply grown a bit more cynical than she had.
Star grinned and giggled, quite unaware of my private thoughts. “Yeah, ‘paramours’ works. I mean, she’s been with the two of them for a couple years now, so it’s not like her usual sort of thing. Hope it works out for her.” She chuckled and shook her head. “Though I guess it figures that Cloud wouldn’t settle down unless she could get her own mini-harem. I’m just surprised she's only got two ponies in it.”
Despite my more conservative views regarding my cousin’s lifestyle, a smile crept across my face. “Now now, Star. She has not even married them yet. Let us give it time.” A slight shiver passed down my spine as I recalled that we were discussing my cousin’s sex life. “And not thought, just time.”
“Heh.” Star grinned and rose to her hooves, stretching out. “Speaking of which, I mostly just came by to drop your food off. I’ve got a fillyfriend I haven’t seen for months, so we’ve got a lot of catching up to do. And by catching up, I mean sex. Sexy, sexy sex.” She smirked and nudged me in the ribs. “Reminds me, you seriously need to get laid. It’d probably make you less of a stiff, stoic stick-in-the-mud.”
I frowned. “I am not a stick in the mud, and I do quite well for myself in that regard, thank you very much.”
“Yeah, sure.” Star poked me again. “When was the last time you got some?”
“That is none of your business,” I answered coolly.
Star gave an exaggerated wince. “Ouch, that long? Has it been more than a year?”
“I do not wish to discuss this.”
“It has? Dang, sis. That’s just sad.” She gave me a faux-sympathetic hug. “I’ll ask Cloud about hooking you up with something. Or I could help you find somepony. It’s the sisterly thing to do.” She tapped her chin a few times, a malicious grin slowly appearing on her face. “You know, I can’t help but notice that your princess is pretty cute. And single. And since Princess Cadance got married, there’s precedent for mortal alicorns to—”
“This conversation is over,” I growled.
“Yeah, yeah.” My sister rolled her eyes. “Knowing you, you’re just annoyed that I would suggest you would do something as unprofessional as hopping into bed with your princess. ‘Cause you falling in love with her would be way too interesting for Captain ‘I must be stoic and dutiful and never have any fun at all’ Storm Kicker.” She trotted up and gave me a quick hug, then headed for the door. “I’ll see you at Cloud’s for dinner tomorrow, okay?”
“Yes, tomorrow.” I trotted back to my cushion and took a seat.
A low buzz hummed beneath me, like a filly sticking their tongue out when faced with cauliflower, homework, or an early bedtime. It was about as mature as well, given the proximity to my hindquarters.
Speaking of mature, Star stuffed her hooves over her mouth and began giggling madly. I guess I should have been grateful it was just us, rather than having sat down in the mess hall with my subordinates or in front of the princess. I extracted the whoopee cushion from beneath my pillow and tossed it back to her with a glare. Star caught it, then left the library with a cheeky grin.
I remained in place, still vaguely bemused by the entire chain of events. With all the buildup Star had put into setting up this prank, I would have expected something better than a whoopee cushion out of it all. Perhaps it had not been some sort of evil master plan, and her visit really had been more of a social call with the obligatory prank tossed in on the side.
I tossed the puzzle of my sister and her motives aside when I heard Her Highness’s hooves on the stairs. I glanced up and saw the princess making her way down, a full trashbag floating alongside her. “Hey, Storm.”
I glanced up and nodded respectfully to her. “Princess. I hope Star did not disturb your studies.” I stepped forward and quickly took charge of her garbage. While there was a certain charm to the princess’s willingness to handle such tasks herself, the fact remained that royalty should not be seen performing such mundane household chores. It diminished the royal mystique and made a princess seem like nothing more but another ordinary pony. Of course, if I explained it to her in those terms, Twilight would probably insist on taking out her own garbage every time. My princess could be quite stubborn.
“No, she didn’t bother me.” A thoughtful frown crossed her face. “At least, I don't think she bothered me. What did she want? Just checking up on you?”
“More or less.” I quickly tossed the garbage out. “A little bit of catching up and small talk. She also invited me to a family dinner at Cloud’s tomorrow night. She extended an invitation to you as well, if you wish.”
“That sounds great. Fluttershy is an excellent chef, and your cousin can do a pretty good job too.” Before my mind could linger upon the worrying implications of Her Highness having eaten Cloud’s cooking at some point in the past, she continued speaking. “Thanks for getting the trash. You didn't have to do that.”
“I enjoy helping, Highness.”
She smiled gratefully, but our conversation was briefly interrupted by Spike calling out from the kitchen. “You guys might be going out tomorrow, but I’m cooking tonight. No way you’re gonna miss Burger Night, especially after Star brought over those meat patties. You still want a normal hayburger though, right Twi?”
“Yeah, thanks Spike!” The princess shot me a quick apologetic look. “No offense, but I really don’t understand how you can eat meat. It’s just...” A shiver went down her spine.
“I suppose it is a bit of an acquired taste.” I could not help smiling as I thought back to my initiation into the Long Patrol. “The first time I tried it, my sergeant told me all I needed to do was swallow and keep down a single bite to keep the respect of my soldiers. I wound up eating all of it and asking for more. Prior to that, none of them had been quite sure what to make of their new tea-drinking Canterlot lady officer. Afterwards...”
Twilight chuckled and shook her head. “I suppose that’s one way to win them over.” She offered a slightly strained smile. “Makes me glad I’m never going to join the Long Patrol, though.”
I could not resist the opportunity for a little mild teasing. “I should mention that while we were in the field, Princess Luna ate with us once. She partook. If you should ever find yourself breaking bread with the Long Patrol...”
“Let me check my schedule.” She pulled it out, then smirked. “Oh, gee, look at that. No dinners scheduled with the Long Patrol. Ever. What a shame.”
I decided to offer one last remark. “I had been intending to fill out your Guard’s ranks with a decent number of Patrolponies. They might be pleased if you joined us one evening.” Putting aside the fact that I was naturally inclined to pick soldiers I had served with, the fact that Ponyville lay on the edge of the Everfree Forest made Patrol veterans a natural choice for Her Highness’s guards. The rest of her ranks would likely be filled out with soldiers drawn from the Solar Guard, and possibly a few from the Lunar and Crystal as well. All three units were quite experienced with protecting a princess, after all.
Twilight answered with a playful glare. “I’m pretty sure teasing your princess is against the rules of bodyguarding, you know...”
“Teasing my princess?” I put a hoof over my heart, feigning a swoon. “Perish the thought.”
Twilight grumbled something decided unprincessly under her breath, though the smile on her face stole any venom from the words. That was cut short by a sizzling sound in the other room. “Though I'm not sure if I should be disturbed that Spike knows how to cook meat.”
“Perhaps Star told him,” I suggested with a shrug. “I have found that it is not really all that difficult. There are many nuances to getting it just right, but basic proficiency is simple enough.”
“I wouldn’t really know.” For a moment I half expected her to start tearing through her books to find something regarding meat preparation. It is rare indeed for Her Highness to be comfortable with any level of ignorance on any topic. “I just haven't really given him anything meaty to eat in the past. Although I guess he would eat it; he is an omnivore in the most literal sense of the term. He can eat anything if he wants to.”
“That is the way with dragons.” I politely pulled Twilight’s seat out for her.
Her Highness favored me with another smile as she took her seat. “Always the gentlemare. Thank you, Storm.” As was her custom, she insisted on using her magic to pull out my own chair in return. “So, judging by the lack of explosions and cheap perfume stink, I guess your visit with Star went pretty well?”
“Mostly,” I confirmed as I sat. “She did slip a whoopee cushion under my pillow. Though that was actually something of a relief: I was expecting worse.”
Spike waddled in, carrying each of our plates. My mouth might have watered a bit as the heavenly smell of freshly cooked meat reached my nostrils. There is nothing else quite like it.
Twilight’s nose wrinkled at the smell, but she refrained from commenting. “At least your sister’s prank wasn’t anything too bad then. Rainbow Dash has done worse to me, like when she tricked me into writing all my chemistry notes with disappearing ink.” She nodded to Spike as the baby dragon set down her plate. “Thanks, Spike. I hope you made something for yourself.”
“I've got some gems waiting for me.” He set my plate down, then headed back to the kitchen to clean up.
Twilight fondly watched his exit. “He really is my number one assistant.”
“He has been a great help to you, Princess.” I am rather certain that without somepony watching over her, the princess would regularly skip meals and go without sleep whenever a particularly scholarly mood struck her.
My first bite convinced me to never follow her example of skipping meals while Spike was around to cook for us; the patty was cooked to perfection, juicy and lightly seasoned with applewood—probably from the nearby orchards. Onions and lettuce mixed with just a hint of Spike’s homemade blend of ketchup and barbecue sauce, and I chewed as slowly as propriety allowed to enjoy this first wonderful mouthful. I hoped Dad would forgive me for finding a new favorite chef.
And then my wonderful culinary experience came to a screeching halt when Twilight let out a piercing scream.
My eyes instantly snapped to Her Highness. She seemed unharmed, but was staring in horror at the contents of her plate. In particular, her hayburger. Except that now that she had bitten into it, I could quite clearly see that it was not, in fact, a hayburger.
“I just ate meat!” she wailed, gagging in disgust. She hastily stuffed a dozen hayfries into her mouth in a desperate attempt to get the taste out of her mouth, then washed it down with an entire glass of lemonade. When that proved insufficient, she stuck out her tongue and scraped a hoof along it, as if doing so would somehow remove the memory of meat’s flavor.
I was about to suggest that Spike must have mistakenly given her one of my burgers when I heard a poorly concealed snort of laughter emanating from the kitchens. A quick inspection of Twilight’s plate confirmed that both of her burgers contained meat, as did all of mine. This had not been an accident.
Twilight whirled upon the dragon, eyes narrowed in fury. “SPIKE! Did you do that on purpose?”
Spike froze, sweat breaking out on his forehead. He didn’t give her an answer, but that was as good as a confession.
I quickly realized what must have happened. “Those gems you were planning to have for dinner tonight ... Star gave them to you, didn’t she?”
“You took a bribe?!” Twilight demanded, absolutely incensed.
“No!” The little dragon’s eyes flicked back and forth, seeking some way to escape Her Highness’s wrath. “I didn’t!” Finding none, he shuffled away from her until his back was pressed against the wall. “It was just—”
“Don't lie to me!” she snarled, slamming her hooves into the wall above his shoulders, effectively pinning him in place. If dragons were not immune to fire, the glare she had fixed him with would have melted him.
His weak attempt at deception utterly collapsed in the face of such intense scrutiny, and his will quickly broke. “I’m sorry! Star said it was just a harmless little prank, and then she gave me ten gems. She didn’t say you’d be mad...”
“Spiiike....” The princess glared down at him, her voice a low, rumbling growl.
The dragon shrank against the wall as far as he could. “I said I was sorry! I was just ... just...”
Twilight closed her eyes, then took several long, slow breaths. When she opened them again she stepped away from Spike, giving him a bit more space. “Okay. Fine. I am very disappointed in you, Spike.” He flinched down at those words, seeming more hurt by them than by all the anger she had shown before. “I’ll be taking all of the gems you haven’t eaten already, and you’re grounded for a week. You know better than to do that sort of thing, and you should definitely know better than to let anypony bribe you into misbehaving. We don’t want your greed getting out of control again, do we?”
Spike slumped down further, until it looked like he wanted nothing more than to sink into the floor. “No. I’m sorry.” He sighed and reluctantly relinquished his gems.
Twilight took the gems and teleported them away. “I love you very much, Spike, but your behavior was completely unacceptable. I hope you understand that. Now go to your room. I’ll find something else for your dinner, but there aren’t going to be any more gems on the menu until you’ve learned your lesson. Are we clear?”
The little dragon let out a long-suffering sigh. “Yes, Twilight.” He trudged up the stairs, looking like a condemned prisoner marching to his execution.
The princess sighed as she watched him leave, then turned back to me. “Sorry you had to see that. I didn't overreact, did I? It’s just ... I really didn’t like him sabotaging my dinner, especially not when he’s letting somepony bribe him to do it. Greed does bad things to dragons.”
“I think your response was perfectly reasonable, Highness.” At least insofar as Spike’s misbehavior was concerned. Her raw horror at having consumed meat struck me as somewhat excessive, though I suppose I would be somewhat biased on that particular topic.
I offered her what consolation I could regarding her sudden and unwanted initiation into the world of carnivorism. “Look on the bright side, Highness. Since you ate and swallowed a piece of meat, you can now consider yourself an honorary member of the Long Patrol.”
“Yay.” Twilight groaned and pushed her plate to the side. “I think I've lost my appetite.”
Alas, it seemed that Her Highness had not acquired any tasted for the finer foods. “Shall I go out for something, Highness?”
“You don't have to,” she assured me. “I’m really not hungry anymore.”
I was reminded of my earlier thought that the princess would not eat properly without somepony watching over her. I kept my tone as gentle as possible to avoid offending her. “You need to eat, Highness.”
She waved my objections away. “I’m an alicorn, Storm. I’m not going to keel over just because I missed one meal.”
“Perhaps not,” I allowed before digging my hooves in further. “But it is still better if you eat properly.”
“Missing one meal isn't a big deal.” She looked me in the eyes for several seconds, then sighed. “But you're going to keep very politely fighting me on this until you get your way, aren't you?”
“It would be wholly inappropriate for a bodyguard to fight with her princess,” I answered deftly. “Now then, shall I see about securing you a salad from one of the restaurants? Or perhaps I could prevail upon Miss Applejack for a pie. There is also—”
Her Highness groaned and rolled her eyes. “Alright, alright, fine. Go and get me something to eat, if you’re going to be so stubborn about it.”
I half-bowed deferentially. “As you wi—”
“Don’t finish that sentence.” Twilight grumbled. “It doesn’t count when you say that right after you bullied me into doing what you wanted.”
“I did nothing of the sort, Highness,” I answered mildly. “I simply looked out for your best interests, as any responsible guardian should. Sometimes that requires reminding you what precisely is best for you.”
“Yeah yeah...” She poked me in the chest, and a grin slowly made its way onto her lips. “Now hurry up and go get my salad before I start making a list of ways to punish my guards whenever they start getting cheeky.”
I dutifully exited the library. Thankfully, obtaining a meal for Her Highness proved a simple task. Especially since, unlike the princess herself, I had no objection to using her status to speed things along. Not that I was crude about it, but the waitstaff did move a bit more quickly when I informed them that the dinner was for Princess Twilight Sparkle.
I returned just in time to see the princess exiting the library’s front room. I wondered at her destination until I heard the loud squeal of our newly repaired bathroom door. I would have to see about fixing that at some point in the near future.
While Her Highness attended her business in the restroom, I set to work cleaning up what was left of our dinner. Since she obviously had no intention of consuming the rest of her meatburger, I took the liberty of finishing it for myself. I certainly was not going to let good meat go to waste, even if Star had bought it simply to set up one of her pranks. My days in the Long Patrol taught me that I should never let perfectly good food go to waste.
I had almost finished the cleanup when Twilight called out from bathroom. “Um ... Storm? I think I need some help.”
My ears instantly perked up, and I began trotting towards the bathroom. “What is it, Highness?”
“J-just come in.”
I entered, and found an especially strange sight awaiting me. Her rump had fallen entirely into the toilet bowl, sending her hind legs awkwardly up into the air. Her wings were splayed out, trapped between the rim of the toilet seat and her own body. Her forelegs were vainly flailing about, trying to find something she could grasp to pull herself free. When she saw me, her cheeks pinked in embarrassment. “Um ... I think your sister greased the toilet seat.”
Of course she did. I sighed and helped my princess out as best I could.
At breakfast the next day, the unholy prankster alliance struck again.
Twilight and I were enjoying a relatively peaceful breakfast after our usual morning routine. Thankfully nothing went awry with this meal, as Spike was not about to risk courting Her Highness’s wrath again. As it was, he’d lost what was left of the gems Star had bribed him with and was grounded for a week.
We were wrapping up the meal when somepony knocked on the library’s front door. I opened the door and found myself face-to-face with Rainbow Dash. She smiled, and even though I knew she might well be here for nefarious purposes, I found myself smiling in return. “Hello, Rainbow. Was there something you needed?”
“Hey, Stormy. ‘Sup?” She trotted right past me into the library. “Just got something I need to say to Twilight real quick. Won’t take long.”
Twilight glanced at her over the remains of breakfast, her ears perked forward and her curiosity piqued. “Oh? What is it, Rainbow? Is something wrong?”
“Nah, nothing’s wrong, really. It’s just...” A hint of a smirk slowly spread across Rainbow’s face. “I just thought you should know that I snuck in last night while you guys were sleeping and moved a couple books around.”
One of Twilight’s eyes started twitching. “You—you misfiled some of my books?”
“Yup.” Rainbow’s smirk had now grown to a full-blown shameless grin.
“Which ones?” The princess demanded, rising from her seat. “What category did they belong under and where did you put them? How many books did you misplace? Did you touch the card catalogue? Are any of them damaged? What about my personal bookshelf?!”
Rainbow yawned and stretched her wings. “Gee, Twilight, I’d really like to help you out, but it’s just about time for my morning nap. Nothing got damaged, but other than that I can’t really remember all the details...” She covered her mouth as she let out another highly exaggerated yawn. “I think I might’ve changed a couple of your schedules, too...”
I could hear Twilight’s teeth grinding from halfway across the room.
“Anyway, good luck with that.” Rainbow turned around and flew out the door.
For a few moments after she left it felt like the entire treehouse was trembling. Then Twilight let out an anguished, furious scream. “Spiiike! We have to reshelve and reschedule everything!” I considered beating a hasty retreat to tend to some other duty, but the princess’s attention shifted to me before I could escape. “You’ll help too, right, Storm?”
I sighed. “Yes, of course I will, Princess.”
I groaned and dunked my head underneath the tomato juice. Despite my best efforts, the smell still clung to me. “Star and her stink bombs...”
“I suppose it is consistent with the skunk theme so many of her pranks follow.” Twilight levitated a brush and worked it along my back, helping the tomato juice seep into my coat. Thankfully I had seen the attack coming in time to shield the princess from the worst of it. While bodyguards are supposed to place themselves between their princesses and an exploding bomb if the situation required it, I rather doubt a stink bomb was what my instructors at West Hoof had in mind.
Pinkie Pie trotted in, carrying a dozen more cans of tomato juice. The princess and I both smiled and nodded gratefully to her. Were it any other pony, I might have questioned why she had enough tomato juice to fill a large tub on-hoof. However, one of the first lessons Her Highness had imparted upon me was that Pinkie Pie could do strange and unexplainable things, and it was best for my own peace of mind if I simply accepted that there was no explanation for it and moved on. “Thank you for your assistance, Miss Pie.”
Miss Pie promptly hopped into the tub full of tomato juice and hugged me. “Aw, you're so polite, Storm! Maybe too polite, huh? Just call me Pinkie, silly billy.”
I spared a quick glance for the princess. I did not want to overstep and become too familiar with her friends, but I also did want to insult Miss Pie by refusing to follow her stated wish. Her Highness sighed and nodded. “Pinkie really doesn’t bother with formalities, Storm. Trust me, it's easier to just go along with how she wants to do things.”
I turned back to Miss Pie. “Very well then. Thank you, Pinkie.”
She grinned. “Much better. Here, have a cupcake!” She produced a cupcake seemingly from nowhere and shoved it into my mouth. I might have objected, if not for the fact that my mouth was full of cupcake. At least it was quite delicious.
Once the stench was properly removed, I took a quick shower to clear the tomato juice out of my coat and mane. After that, I donned my armor again. “Highness, I believe I am ready to—”
A keychain flew across the room and attached itself to my armor. I paused, blinking and staring down at it in some confusion. Then an unused horseshoe shot across the room and attached itself to my chest.
The princess groaned. “They must have gotten to your armor while you weren’t wearing it. It looks like a magnetism spell. Sparkler’s work. Just hang on a second and I can—”
Every single pot, pan, and tray in the kitchen shot up and collided with my armor, burying me beneath a small mountain of kitchenware.
“—fix it,” Twilight concluded lamely.
I responded as any lady of good breeding, social grace, and utmost sophistication would. “Feathering magnets.”
Pinkie grabbed the princess by the shoulders, vigorously shaking her. “How do they wooork?”
Her Highness and I were understandably nervous about attending the dinner at Cloud’s. With Star, Rainbow, and Sparkler all in attendance, a prank of some sort was all but certain. The setting would limit their options, but the three dedicated pranksters would almost certainly come up with something they could do to us without causing Cloud any trouble. Especially since our cousin found our sibling conflicts a source of endless entertainment.
As per the princess’s wishes, we arrived at Cloud’s house at exactly 1900 hours. The house was a bit small to host so many ponies. In truth, it was little more than a bachelorette pad. Despite her shift to a more settled lifestyle, Cloud did not seem to be in any hurry to marry her paramours, or even move in with them. Perhaps I should speak with her on that matter when an opportunity presented itself.
Rainbow had arrived early—normally that would have been extremely suspicious, given Rainbow’s loose relationship with punctuality, but given the damage she had already wrought upon the appetizers, her motives might have been pure. Or if not pure, at least unrelated to pranking.
Miss Fluttershy and Cloud were busy playing hostess and preparing food, while Cloud’s other paramour had drawn the evening shift on the weather team and would only be able to join us later on. I suppose that was a hazard of Cloud’s social circle: somepony had to keep the weather running.
While Her Highness socialized with her friends, I had a quick word with my cousin. We had taken up regular sparring sessions since I had moved to Ponyville. When I had been a filly, she had been one of my teachers; now she could barely keep up with me. However, I was not exactly spoiled for choice on sparring partners, and in any case, Cloud’s skills were rapidly returning with the benefit of regular practice.
When Star and Sparkler finally arrived, they were not fashionably late, but just plain late. The tousled states of their manes and excessively cheerful grins gave a firm indication as to just what precisely had delayed them. My sister grinned and bumped shoulders with me as she passed by. “Hey, Skunky. Remember, no eating Fluttershy's animals.”
Cloud chuckled and murmured under her breath. “If she eats Angel Bunny, I’ll ask Twilight to give her a promotion. And a medal. Hay with it, give her both.”
Miss Fluttershy poked her head out of the kitchen, fixing my cousin with a piercing stare. Her tone remained light and happy, but that stare lent it a somewhat threatening aspect. “What was that, dear? I could have sworn I heard you say something.”
“Nothing important,” Cloud hastily answered. “I was just telling a really bad joke.”
Fluttershy nodded, apparently satisfied with that answer, and returned to the kitchen. Once she was safely out of earshot, Rainbow Dash snorted. “Heh. Busted, Cloud.” She mimed a whip cracking, adding in the sound effects as well. “Have fun in the dog-house, Kicker. Hope the couch is warm.” She smirked and poked my cousin in the side. “And that Discord isn't sleeping on it.”
Cloud rolled her eyes and slugged Rainbow in the shoulder. “Ha. Ha. Ha. You’re such a riot, Dash. You should get a career as a standup comedian. Your talents are wasted as a weatherpony.”
“That’s true.” Rainbow grinned and stretched her wings, brushing away Cloud’s sarcasm. “Don’t feel too bad, though. Not everypony can be as suave and sensitive around Fluttershy as I am.” She reached back to scratch her rump, then let out a loud belch. “Those were some really good eats, Flutters!”
To think I had once admired Rainbow. I suppose I still did, even if her flaws were a bit more apparent now than they had been when I was an impressionable young filly who thought fart jokes were the height of comedic genius. As I had grown older and my tastes more refined, I found myself drifting away from my old infatuation. Familiarity had not bred contempt, but it had given me a more nuanced view into the mare. Between her and Cloud, I was forced to conclude that one’s idols are rarely so perfect as one would imagine.
For her part, Miss Fluttershy politely ignored any lapses in Rainbow’s decorum. “Thank you very much, Rainbow.”
Rainbow casually waved her thanks away. “You earned it.” I suppose I must have been staring at Rainbow while I was thinking about her, because she turned to me with a single raised eyebrow. “Hey, Stormy. What's new with you?
“Probably thinking about that huge crush she has on you,” Star suggested with a bratty smirk.
“Can it,” Rainbow snapped at my sister, looking just a bit annoyed. That reminded me of one of the reasons I had admired her so much in the first place: she might be crude and insensitive at times, but there was a fundamental decency to her. She might not be a perfect mare, but she was undeniably a good mare.
I was somewhat hopeful that the clash between Rainbow and Star might represent a fault line in their prankster alliance. If that were the case, then I needed to more quickly to exploit it. “Well, Rainbow, to answer the question you put to me before we were so rudely interrupted, I have been watching over Her Highness.” My willingness to indulge her faltered as I added, “We had a rather busy day today. We had to reshelve the entire library after somepony told her she had misplaced several books.”
Rainbow answered my annoyed glower with a shameless smirk. “Huh. I didn't know that bodyguards were expected to moonlight as assistant librarians. Did you have to take a second job because Twi wasn’t paying you enough?”
“My pay is quite sufficient, thank you,” I answered primly. “And while it is not part of my formal duties, I feel it only fitting that I help Her Highness in whatever way she requires.”
A particularly mischievous grin spread across Rainbow’s face. “Oh reeeally? So does that mean that you give her one of your feathers if she breaks a quill?”
“No, that wouldn’t happen again,” Her Highness cut in. “Ever since that one incident I keep an entire drawer full of spares. Besides, pegasus feathers don’t really make very good quills, and it’s not like you could just pluck a fresh feather and immediately start writing with it. Well, you could make a very basic quill in about five minutes, but a proper quill needs to be...”
Rainbow rolled her eyes as the princess continued to provide further information about quillcraft that was clearly of no interest to her. “So Storm, if Twilight needs groceries, do you go shopping for her too?”
I frowned at her. “I am her bodyguard, not an errand girl. I do help her in matters beyond my duties as a guardian, but that does not diminish the value or importance of my role.” I paused, the directed a pointed look at my sister. “For your information, I did have to obtain dinner for Her Highness last night after somepony persuaded Spike that it would be amusing to slip meat into her hayburger.”
Rainbow, Star, Sparkler, and even Cloud all started snickering at that. Needless to say, Twilight was not pleased. “I didn’t think it was very funny. Neither would you if you had been tricked into eating meat.”
“I actually tried a bite of Storm’s the first time she was on leave from the Patrol.” Star shot me a challenging grin. “If Skunky can handle meat, then so can I.”
I answered her with a dry smile “That would explain why you spent thirty seconds looking like you were trying very hard not to spew up your dinner all over the table, then swallowed an entire bottle of cider to get rid of the taste. And never tried it again.”
“I said I could handle it, and I can,” my sister shot right back. “Doesn’t mean I’m some weirdo like you who actually likes the stuff.”
Rainbow was not about to be deterred from her line of questioning by a little bit of sibling banter on the side. “So if Twilight got stuck inside the toilet, would you go into the bathroom and pull her out?”
Twilight and I both glared at her. The last thing either of us wanted was to be reminded of that particular incident. Suffice to say that retrieving one’s princess from a toilet rather strains the traditional royal dignity.
Star gave me a particularly devious and wicked smirk. “Hey, speaking of awkward and embarrassing situations...” She reached into a saddlebag and removed a worn leather volume, the Kicker Clan’s crest emblazoned on the front. I recognized it at once.
Our parents’ photo album.
I stared at her aghast. “You would not...” My face fell as my sister’s evil grin widened. “Of course you would. You do realize there are likely pictures inside that which you would not care to see exposed as well.”
Star scoffed at me. “Give me a little credit, Storm. I only brought the photos that would embarrass you.” I made a mental note to secure those pictures at the soonest possible opportunity as my sister cracked open the album. “Now, the eternal question of where to start ... embarrassing baby photos, or embarrassing photos of your awkward teenage years?”
Rainbow trotted over to her side, looking over Star’s shoulder. “You're evil, you know that?”
“I have been saying that for years,” I informed her.
Sparkler leaned against her fillyfriend, as much for the simple pleasure of the contact as to get a good look at the pictures. “I vote for teenage pics. Did she go through a phase? Please tell me she had a phase. Maybe she was a goth? Or a cheerleader? Or maybe a nerd—that would explain why she gets along so well with Twilight...”
“Teenage years it is, then.” Star flipped to the middle of the photo album, revealing a rather mortifying picture. My teenage growth spurt had struck me unevenly, gifting me with long legs some time before the rest of my body would grow to match them. Star called me a giraffe as often as she called me a skunk during those years. My smile revealed a full set of dental braces, and my mane had been worked into a crude imitation of Rainbow Dash’s own style. Completing the image was a pink tutu. Of course Star would pick one of the pictures from my ballet recitals.
Rainbow blinked at the image a few times, then covered her mouth in a vain attempt to stifle some giggles. “That's—I remember seeing you with the chicken legs and the braces the first time I visited Cloud, but that manecut and the tutu is ...” Her efforts to contain her laughter failed her, and she started cackling like a madmare.
“Don't be too hard on her, Rainbow,” Sparkler chimed in, pausing for effect. “After all, she has sensational legs!”
“That’s why I used to say she was some kind of weird giraffe-skunk hybrid,” Star tossed out.
I groaned and tossed a desperate look to Cloud, hoping my cousin might come to the rescue. I knew it was a vain hope; Cloud never took sides in my sibling warfare with Star unless one of us did something so far out of line that she felt the need to call us out on it. Breaking out the photo album might be fighting dirty, but it was still fair game as far as Cloud was concerned.
Thankfully, the Princess felt no such need to remain neutral. “I think she looks cute. And really, she must have incredible coordination if she can still perform ballet while in the middle of an awkward teenage growth spurt.”
I gratefully smiled at my Princess. Normally it was the bodyguard’s job to do the protecting, but this time I did not mind the reversal in the slightest.
The prankster trio stared at Twilight for a bit, then Rainbow wrapped her wings around the two younger mares. “You know, while we’re at it maybe we should talk to Twilight's brother about their family's albums. And I bet Princess Cadance has all kinds of stories about when she foalsat Twilight...”
Sparkler grinned at the Princess. “M’gonna really go out on a limb here and guess Twilight had a nerd phase back when she was a teen.”
Rainbow waved Sparkler’s remark aside. “It can’t be a teenage phase if she’s still in it now. At this point, it’s more like a lifestyle choice.” She frowned in thought. Well, I assumed it was thought, though Rainbow’s expression would also suit constipation. However, I was certain I smelled something burning, and it was not Miss Fluttershy’s cooking.
Having finally reached a conclusion, Rainbow grinned and nudged Her Highness. “I bet Twilight was the one with the cheerleader phase! She was a real natural with that crazy cheerleading outfit she made for the Equestria Games tryouts. Almost like she’d done that kind of thing before.”
“I did not have a cheerleader phase!” Twilight snapped. Then, as so often happened, her mouth continued without consulting her mind first. “It was a Sol Invictus phase!” As soon as the words left her mouth, she groaned and slapped her hooves over her mouth.
Rainbow stared at her uncomprehendingly. “A what phase? Is it contagious?”
Star rolled her eyes. “Read a book sometime, Rainbow.” She paused, then amended. “Other than Daring Do. Or just use your head. Everypony knows the Cult of Sol Invictus.” She threw her hooves up into the air demonstratively. “Praise the sun! All hail Celestia and the sacred virtues of harmony! May the sun light your path!”
Rainbow’s eyes brightened in recognition. “Oh yeah! Those guys!”
Sparkler grinned at the princess, and her words would have destroyed Twilight’s prototype sarcasm detector. Or rather, they would have destroyed it if the device had survived its first five minutes after activation. Her Highness is somewhat fond of sardonic wit. “You were a huge Celestia fan? No way!”
Rainbow snorted and matched Sparkler’s tone. “Get out! I don't believe it, do you believe it?” She shot a few exaggerated looks around the room. “‘Cuz I don't believe it.”
“I know, it’s just so crazy!” Star snickered, grabbing her fillyfriend for support. “Who would have thought that the princess's personal student had a high opinion of her?”
Twilight put her wings over her face and groaned.
“Hey, it could be worse.” Sparkler grinned and booped my sister on the nose. “You have no idea how long it took me to get used to her creepy little Shadow statue. I still swear that thing is watching me sometimes...”
Star rolled her eyes. “It’s not. You’re just being ridiculous.”
Sparkler turned to me, “Better watch out, Storm. I bet you twenty bits Twilight’s got herself a creepy little statue of Celestia somewhere. She probably pets it and talks to it and tells it all about her day and stuff.”
“I do not,” the princess growled. “Now can we please change the subject to something else?”
“Sure.” Star turned to our cousin. “So, Cloud, you’re our resident sexpert. Is there any way that, hypothetically speaking, a powerful unicorn or alicorn could animate a statue of somepony like Celestia and turn it into a sex toy to—”
Twilight screamed, there was a bright purple flash, and my sister was gone. Then she teleported Rainbow and Sparkler out of the room too, just for good measure.
“Where did you send them?” She might be annoying, but I still cared my sister’s wellbeing.
“Nowhere dangerous,” Twilight quickly reassured me. “I just dropped them into the river.”
Cloud sighed, but couldn’t stop herself from chuckling. “So much for the big dinner party I had planned.” Her eyes flicked to Miss Fluttershy. “On the bright side, that means Eepy and I can get to bed as soon as Blossom gets home. And maybe go to sleep to couple hours after that.”
Miss Fluttershy’s cheeks pinked. “Oh my...”
Twilight and I flushed as well, but for entirely different reasons. “Highness, I believe that is our cue to—”
She teleported us out before I could finish the sentence.
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Twilight's vengeance is quite terrible to behold.
5621514
On the plus side, at least that toy actually resembles Celestia from the show. The coat is white, not pink!
Good show, Twilight! Dunkin' Dipsticks.
Damn, Twilight, he's just a kid.
Good lord, those pranks. My vote at this point is that Twilight should just provide a full accounting of what Star got up to on leave back to her commanding officer in Canterlot. If you can't trust her to not abuse the hell out of one Princess, why should they trust her with guarding Luna?
I do like the sound of Twilight having a Sol Invictus phase, that's fun.
Okay, aside from that first prank (not cool, Star, not cool), this is turning into Discord levels of delightful chaos.
Wonderful story!
Found this though;
lol poor Discord
Yeah, fuck those virtues of Harmony! Loyalty is for losers, kindness is for sissies, and generosity is for chumps! It's not like they are the only reason we are still alive or anything.
*BANG*
Well... there goes the Mark Two. Maybe we should put a sarcasm fuse in the Mark Three....
Elsewhere, Discord is singing praises to such acts of comedic chaos.
Oh... that is diabolical.
5622936
While that is a valid concern and equally logical...
DUDE, low blow.
My pedantic side demands I point this out:
That should be "or"; "and" already implies both articles.
Oh man, it was soooo good just to get a small snipet of some more Cloud! It feels liek it's been forever since we've have a good Cloud scene since Winning Pony!
She's the pony devil!
And she's the pony devil's eviler sidekick!
lol
Comence read.
Don't mess around to much with someone holding on to lots of magic.
Well, that dinner did not last very long.
Hum. There is one chapter left, but...so far this is not exactly blowing my mind.
Yeah... when Star's pranks actually catch a princess in the crossfire, then she has gone well beyond what can be overlooked. Why she has not been charged with assaulting a princess at the bare minimum, along with conduct unbecoming of an officer of the Royal Guard, is beyond my understanding.
5627838
oh, that made me think of a gag in the crazy "MLP time loops" stories where a robot double of Twilight LITERALLY had it's head explode when it saw Pinkie's "pinkie sense" in action!