- Member Since 12th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen 13 minutes ago
Jest
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Jest
Joined 12th Dec, 2011 ·
Offline
Sequels1
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Jest · 19k words · 82 40 · 4k views
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First of all, I highly suggest having a few spoiler tags (like saying that this story has futanari in it) to dissuade people that don't like it from down-voting your story
i liked it needs some work but who am i to talk.( look up my story silence of ponies it is horrible with errors and such.) don't give up i would some more stories like this. message me if want some help and maybe a little advice.
This is good but punctuation! It makes a difference. When Spike was screaming pleasure "." These made me read it in a subdued tone. Personally this detracts from the story for me. Aside from that well done.
5209337
I concur.
This story needs some serious editing.
5218435
Sure does, like i said before first thing ive written like this. If you have suggestions im very open.
Very nice
i like it
There is too much to be done to simply post corrections here.
In all honesty you need to either rewrite this or have an editor download it, edit it, send it to you, have you edit it again, and then reupload it.
Things that can be corrected before then: capitalize the first letter of names, type out numbers instead of using alphanumeric characters, capitalize "I"s, and possibly pick words you are more comfortable using (every now and then there is a mistake that suggests a thesaurus was used to just swap from one word to another, without changing the sentence to better house that new word).
Smut/Clop stories don't attract editors (common called Betas) like epics and adventure stories do, so you'll need to do the heavy lifting for the editing yourself.
Spike should get gender-bent.
It needs a lot of work. I'd suggest trying to find someone willing to edit it.
However, I would be lying if I didn't say that it didn't arouse me, which is the important thing for this kind of story.
Wow
that was awesome
Update?
5946636
Started writing second chapter, re wrote, got tired of the whole thing, came back and am rewriting the first chapter for grammer/spelling.
5954788 Put up a blog post with this tagged when you do.
If rewriting for grammar and ortography issues is too tiring, you should ask for proof readers. That way you don't exhaust yourself so much.
7043830
Do tell. I don't want to stress out anyone unwilling. Where can i locate a proofreader?
7044017
Check out The Proofreader Group.
Wow you did it again.
one more time!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7044017
FimFiction offers volunteer aid in that regard...
a. Looking For Editors
b. The Proofreader Group
Remember the writing guideline: You should have only one (1) Editor, but you can have multiple (2+) Proofreaders.
Hope this helps.
7112160
Dont hold me to it but there SHOULD be 2+ more chapters. I already got the next one pretty much done just got edit it and junk. The outline for the 2 after that are done as well.
Best I can say is to try and look over the formatting and grammar again. For example some parts weren't capitalized at the start of a sentence and the countdown had one of the numbers our of place. Where it would be
3
2
1
Rather than
3
2
1
Otherwise, very, VERY good.
7180062
Ty ill check it over again tonight.
I was worried poor pinkie was gonna get a broken heart.
Read again... loved it this time around.
7492419
Thats wonderful to hear. I hope to have the next chapter done soonish. So look out for that.
7492916 10 weeks is soon?
I'd hate to see what it will be a while is.
sorry if this seems insulting it's just i get annoyed when good writers leave unfinished stories that are really really good.
7691871
Not a problem my friend unfortunately i understand completely. Other stuff took priority than life got in the way than i ended up on vacation you will be happy to know that i am at this moment penning the next chapter (obviously not right right now as im typing this but you know what i mean.)
Thank you very much for the compliment by the way.
7692102 understand i'm kind of behind on my own stories but that is why they are in hiatus (or however you spell it)
put in tracking along with 50 other stories
7692206
Ahhh i see, i never truly stop working on something it just kinda slows as i have the bad habit of broadening the scope, rewriting and working on 5+ projects at once.
7692215 i only have five and three were so bad i deleted them the other is the revulion of equestria, however i have a new one that is still in the early stages(ignore bad spelling)
however i will be waiting and watching in the future for updates. however i'm going to cach up on the 3 hours of sleep i have left before life.
The story itself is nice, and it certainly caught the aspects that smut stories should have(my more or less recent fascination with gay!Spike not helping matters), but the writing was horrendous in the first, and gradually shifted to 'okay' towards the third chapter. There wasn't much romance so far, in my opinion. Maybe expanding on Twilight/Spike dialog would help. Or there will be more of it with the coming of Pinkie.
Oh, and you seriously should add Pinkie tag. She's already made two serious appearances, and only a completely blind person will not understand how important she's to the story.
Be waiting for more
7754546
Yeah like i said this is the very first thing ive ever written but i am determined to finish it without majorly overhauling the story so i am doing what i can to expand and change things through updates and better flesh out their characters. In the beginning i was god awful at dialog (Which is why there was so little) now im just barely not half bad.
I find myself intrigued by the differences between a good clop and a bad one. Pacing, build up, tone, grammar, and so many other factors determine whether or not my attention is grabbed or I stop half way through. The tone is relaxed as the characters admit their interests almost immediately and they just silently agree to give it a try. Definitely something I enjoy. The build up was nice, establishing normalcy and gradually hinting at ulterior motives until it's all out in the open. The genuine comradery shared by the characters doesn't hurt either. Typos were minimal, but I'd definitely recommend a reread, especially out loud. If you find yourself needing to take a breath, it means you need punctuation.
The resolution between Spike and Pinkie felt a bit forced, I actually rolled my eyes at the crying away the bad feelings bit. Still I enjoyed the chapter overall and am looking forward to the next one, no matter how long I have to wait for it.
7900083
Yeah first draft felt way less forced but would have included a whole nother chapter which i frankly dont want to do XD
Also shouldnt be nearly as long from the last update to the next.
Kudos to whoever is editing, they did a fine job out of it
Now, to more pressing matters. Usually, I would just go along with whatever was there, because, frankly, I'm in this one for a Twike clop that I liked, but - since you clearly didn't do this just for the gratuitous clop - I have to agree with Valen. Strongly so. If you wanted this story to have feels, you should have done that second chapter. If you didn't, than this one was not called for, especially considering how positive you made it look in the ending of a previous one.
Next up: Spike. It's a bit confusing. Did they go through with that plan of turning him fem? No? There are a few references that imply Spike is a female(there's even one instance of him calling himself a lady), yet you keep saying "he". It's a bit confusing.
That's it, I think?
7901319
I didn't really want it to have "feels" per say its supposed to be short, and relatively shallow. Though this was the first thing i ever wrote and although i improved on the outline and general story this is still the very first thing i ever tried to write, which shows i know but i still think its an improvement.
As for the positive ending in the previous one i think if you look back you will note the hints at disquiet and potential for infighting especially with Spike's jealousy being anything but solved.
As for spike hes in the process but i wanted to make it more than just one spell boom your a chick. Also worry not, clop is back next chapter and every chapter after, this will be the sole one without as i didnt want to make it overly long but nor did i want to tack it onto the start of another chapter and cheapen it anymore.
7901336 well, I can't do but concede the point about Spike's jealousy - I'm feeling just a bit too lazy to go back and check up on it.
Oh, I can understand the not wanting a one-spell solution. Not everyone likes things like that, so eh. On that note, I don't think the process is quite the same as it is irl - maybe accentuate some more on his curves, or the other way around, make it so the visuals take longer than actual gender changes to come around(I have no idea how that may work, but hey, it's fiction! If it can actually be backed with science tho, I will laugh my ass off).
Also, I think it just might be time for me to shut up, because I'm getting a bit of the rails there
7901355
He has already started his tf as before this he didnt wear dresses and a few other things but i didnt want to scream and point at the small changes cus that would lose what little subtly they had already.
So glad to see this actually continue. Not enough good herd stories out there. It'll be nice to see this relationship develop, especially since the good part looks right around the corner.
7908765
Im obviously a huge fan of the herd and you will be seeing much more stuff along those lines from me in the future, outside of this story as well!
7909389 I look forward to it.
Complete? Does that mean we're really stopping now before anything's resolved?
7975706
Check the description of the story.
8112596
Pretty much just a part two like the dash of ego thing but I will probably do a little better and actually have a real title. Other than that yeah the first chapter is done (and almost the second) but im waiting on the cover art to be done before i drop it.
Would recommend getting an editor. Spotted many mistakes and errors in this story.
8126137
.... Yes I know. This is also the oldest thing I've written.
8126442
Okay that explains a lot of things. I was wondering how the later chapter writing greatly improved compared to the first chapter to only find out it was written years later.