- Member Since 12th Dec, 2011
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Jest
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Jest
Joined 12th Dec, 2011 ·
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I love it.
Is she a Lich?
Those who want more information, please vote!
More please. I love a good bitchlestia story. And necromancy. That is also awsome.
8256598
If there is a sequel you will see.
Sequel nao pl0x!
So glad I decided to check the featured stories. This is an absolute gem. I really hope this gets a series, I want to see where it goes.
i want to read more please?
8256754
Make sure to vote then! (Link is in the description)
Very well written... I hope this one gets the series... The other story was pretty good too... But I think this one takes it...
Btw... I voted and got to see the polls after... This story is winning
Okay, Sunset's insanity raises questions, (Such as why hire a pyromancer with mental issues to assinate a target in a residential area when it would have been far simpler to, say, have someone slip in and poison them) the First Law raises question in how it's portrayed here (so, if you have magic you can't die? Is Twilight's magic tied to her life force more closely than other ponies? Why didn't she come back to life immediately?) and I'm unsure so far about Celestia's characterization.
However, the underlining concept is terrific and the writing is basically solid, so I'm hyped.
An interesting idea, I always enjoy seeing Celestia get hers in these kinds of stories.
Holy FUCK this needs a sequel.
That's some good fuckin story, pal
8256791
First, its mentioned in the story that only twilight should die so poisoning (unless purely used for incapping them) wouldnt help. As to why she was 'hired' that will be revealed eventually. (maybe)
As for the first law I wont spell it out but Celestia tries to kill the last bit of soul magic in Equestria.
Her magic is different isnt it? Interwoven in ways nopony knows, not a single doctor or expert.
As for why she didnt come back, in the end its stated that two things were needed, one she had and one fate delivered which answers the next question.
Celestia's characterization is kept relatively close to the show save for the horror she has seen when her sister rebelled. I wont spill any details but real rebellions dont die easily and the commander of an army rarely lets herself get engaged upon by the enemy's trump card.
"However, the underlining concept is terrific and the writing is basically solid, so I'm hyped."
Well thanks, friend! I'm glad you liked it. I actually wrote the entire thing in one sitting. Which was pretty brutal but also alot of fun!
8256765
Yeah after I saw it hit featured I kinda knew the winner. I would still urge people to read both to make an educated vote and to offer some feedback on what each story did well (or didnt do well).
Can't wait for the payback to begin.
Okay. First off, WTF. Secondly, WTF. Thirdly, WTF, and finally, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?!?!
8256886
Hmmm? What ever do you mean darling?
Best story I've read in a long while. And it's a dark Twilight story written by somebody who seems to be capable of writing with skill! Good shit, voted, tracking, looking forwards to the rest of it.
I'm throwing this on my favorites for sure. After reading both, I definitely love this one.
After reading both of your stories, I hope to have an continuation of both of them. I really enjoyed this one especially. Hope to see both get a sequel.
8256889
I would call that sarcasm. Necromancy is a fine art, for the untrained it is dangerous, but to the ones who are born with it are able to make their own destiny of becoming a Lich with a kind heart. Secondly, you put a lot of detail in this story. Thirdly, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU ADD HER DEATH SCENE LIKE THAT!?!?! I mean, it’s descriptive, but making Sunset Shimmer a psychopath isn’t okay IN THE SLIGHTEST!!!
In other words, great job!
8257057
What's wrong with making Sunset a psycho? She was well on her way anyway in the original Canon.
8257057
Which death scene?
Also, thank you very much i personally relish in adding tons of detail.
@the sunset thing. Well she certainly is nuts but she also certainly isnt pulling the strings.
If Celestia was going to keep the machine, then why bother removing knowledge of soul magic from her own mind? Wouldn't that knowledge be useful in dealing with it if it was ever detected by the machine again?
For that matter, if she removed all knowledge of soul magic's existence from her own mind, then how did she even know what she was dealing with when it finally appeared again?
If the machine informed her of what happened almost immediately after Twilight was born, why wait 16 years to deal with the problem? Why not just deal with it immediately so it doesn't become a bigger problem later?
Sunset told Shining Armor to his face that her presence at the house was related to Celestia. Even if he might not remember, and even if no one would believe him, why leave him and Night Light alive at all? Leaving those loose ends untied is an unnecessary risk.
As 8256791 pointed out, why would Celestia use someone who we must assume she knew would make a big mess of what should be a simple hit job? Why make a big production when she could have just killed Twilight in her sleep, and then interfered with the coroner's investigation to cover up the wrongdoing?
If the answer to the above is, "Because Sunset is insane and wouldn't think of a simple way to do things," then again, why send her at all? If Celestia is trying to cover up the existence of soul magic, then why run the risk of other people, like reporters, looking into the mysterious fire and the young stallion who keeps claiming that Celestia was involved, and the older stallion who will freely state that his family was cursed and there was something very wrong with his daughter? Sooner or later, she'll have to start disappearing ponies who are looking too hard at it, and that will just draw more attention.
If the answer for how any of this happens ends up back at, "Celestia is arrogant and not thinking that far ahead," that's just sloppy: Why would she become arrogant about something she was so deathly afraid of? And it still doesn't answer the question of how she knew what she was dealing with when the magic appeared again. Or why she became arrogant about eradicating the knowledge of soul magic if she wouldn't remember what it was.
There are a number of very serious plotholes in this story, and so far, none of them have been adequately addressed either by the narrative or by author commentary.
Ah, another story with the 'Celestia is an incompetent tyrant' plot device.
... Gettin' a bit tired of that trope. It's only been six years of it, non-stop.
8257086
Incompetent tyrant? I dont know if it merely failed to come through but noone feared her. Twilight distrusted her yes but that was it. Beyond that I did do my best to try and say that Twilight Sparkle was a unique case she couldnt have seen coming. A tyrant, not really, incompetent, not at all.
Beautiful
8257084
"If Celestia was going to keep the machine, then why bother removing knowledge of soul magic from her own mind? Wouldn't that knowledge be useful in dealing with it if it was ever detected by the machine again?"
With detection nearly instantaneous and all written knowledge gone whoever would have the ability to use it would be found quickly and monitored closely which means that pony would also have to relearn that entire school of magic through trial and error. Her victory was complete and she had no reason to keep any more knowledge then that it was bad.
"For that matter, if she removed all knowledge of soul magic's existence from her own mind, then how did she even know what she was dealing with when it finally appeared again?"
I should have been more clear, all the specifics are gone. She knows vaguely that its a thing and expereinced it first hand and that its bad, and thats about it. This will be expanded on later.
"If the machine informed her of what happened almost immediately after Twilight was born, why wait 16 years to deal with the problem? Why not just deal with it immediately so it doesn't become a bigger problem later?"
She isnt as tyrant like as some think and was hoping to recruit her to her school so that she may better keep an eye on her. All the while monitoring her closely and finding that she had not actually committed any crime or learned anything about the forbidden art. With her adulthood coming and Twilight's skill and aptitude with magic it was deemed innevetable that she would discover more about the unique magic she was capable of and thus she was dealt with before she could become a real problem but not before trying everything else. Also she dealt with Twilight quite handidly and with Twilight's own aura of fear sewing distrust she would not be missed as much as an innocent filly would.
"Sunset told Shining Armor to his face that her presence at the house was related to Celestia. Even if he might not remember, and even if no one would believe him, why leave him and Night Light alive at all? Leaving those loose ends untied is an unnecessary risk."
We have established prior to this that neuromancy is possible and memories can be wiped by Celestia and that she has a hand so to speak in all this.
"As Kai Creech pointed out, why would Celestia use someone who we must assume she knew would make a big mess of what should be a simple hit job? Why make a big production when she could have just killed Twilight in her sleep, and then interfered with the coroner's investigation to cover up the wrongdoing?"
You fear that which you dont know. She was expendable, had the power to get the job done and with with Celestia's skill it hardly mattered how much collateral damage she made as a cover up is simple for her but she couldnt allow the chance of failure. Thus making it neccassary to use her ace. Plus it looks cool.
"If the answer to the above is, "Because Sunset is insane and wouldn't think of a simple way to do things," then again, why send her at all? If Celestia is trying to cover up the existence of soul magic, then why run the risk of other people, like reporters, looking into the mysterious fire and the young stallion who keeps claiming that Celestia was involved, and the older stallion who will freely state that his family was cursed and there was something very wrong with his daughter? Sooner or later, she'll have to start disappearing ponies who are looking too hard at it, and that will just draw more attention."
Riddle me this. If a random pony managed to sneak past Celestia's net and learn something they shouldnt what conclusion would they reach after finding a pony yelling their head of that goverment had something to do with it. (WHich pretty much all the conspiracy theories in equestria and never mind irl say) and a random pony who claims to be cursed. Would it be, A) a mysterious and ancient magic that has no written history, or so much as a single practicioner in all of equestria and all oral history has been wiped out to the point that there arent even rumours and legends about it. or B) The guys nuts?
"If the answer for how any of this happens ends up back at, "Celestia is arrogant and not thinking that far ahead," that's just sloppy: Why would she become arrogant about something she was so deathly afraid of? And it still doesn't answer the question of how she knew what she was dealing with when the magic appeared again. Or why she became arrogant about eradicating the knowledge of soul magic if she wouldn't remember what it was."
All knowledge and specifics are gone of the craft but she still saw the horrors it unleashed and can put 2 and 2 together that its bad.
"There are a number of very serious plotholes in this story, and so far, none of them have been adequately addressed either by the narrative or by author commentary."
Other than the singular one about me not being clear about how much knowledge she has left I dont really see any. I can understand why you might think that but put yourself in the character's horse shoes for a bit and I think you will see what I mean.
Anyway, while I like the concept, I'm afraid Sunset Shimmer's role in it just completely shattered my suspension of disbelief, which is very important to me.
Okay, so Celestia sent an extremely violent mage with sociopathic tendencies to take care of Twilight despite not wanting there to be any crossfire casualties... why, exactly? It's ridiculous, especially when she herself could have easily done it with ten times the ease and discretion. She practically lives down the street from Twilight for crying out loud! But no, I'll leave the task to the proverbial bull in the china shop, because yeah, that's going to work out just fine.
There are seriously a dozen different ways this confrontation could have played out that would have still given Twilight a tragic backstory to prompt revenge, and not completely ruin Celestia's character.
8257144
I admit this wasnt perfect but I dont think it was quite as dramatic as you make it out to be. Untill Twilight suddenly unleashed hell Sunset Shimmer had taken all of them out handidly and only allowed Night Light to yell a little for her own twisted amusement.
Im going to do a little shuffling around to make it a little clearer as to her reasons but I must disagree with your assertion.
Celestia had a powerful pawn that she could easily disavow knowledge of who did the job nearly to T, who incaped the one pony who knew her motives and killed the two others, only failing when someone took the proverbial bullet and a bizzare freak accident brought her target back to life.
Yes she was a little loud but other then letting night light get out a yell every other part of the 'loudness' wasnt her direct doing.
But I digress, A new slightly altered versoin will drop tommorrow that will be a little more illuminating on this subject.
8257107
The relative snark was not directed at you, so try not to take that personally if it bothered you any. Bitter comment for how often the least-likely-to-be winds up as an antagonistic presence to some degree. Either in the story's mechanics or the impression left on the readership. Which this does honestly feel like a balance of the two.
and so sunset shimmer births twilight, the lich queen.
If I had written this story I'd have used an OC for the role Starlight is playing. But to be fair If I wrote this story I'd be you, and if I was you, and you were me. Then you'd be writing this comment.
Holy crap, I'm glad I decided to check the featured box at 2:30 in the morning for some strange reason. This AU is insane and I love it. I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to follow you now.
I enjoyed the story, however there's a lack of punctuation, making a lot of sentences flow improperly or nonsensically. I wouldn't comment if I didn't believe your story good enough for me to mention such a thing --- most stories with grammatical or punctuation issues, I'll just stop reading and not comment.
I do rather feel this is the problem with "lost" magic as opposed to "forbidden" magic.
Forbidden magic, you know, intellectually, that it's forbidden for a reason, likely because it's dangerous.
Lost magic, there's honestly no telling what it could do from lack of documentation, and depending on how thoroughly it was scrubbed from history, it may be indistinguishable from new magic.
I like the idea behind this story.
But the sisters/Celestia didnt even slaughter the Changelings, Discord or Tirek. Yet they did to the first soul magic users, but Celestia then didnt do it to NMMs followers instead banishing them to the everfree? Then she went and did decide to kill Twilight... The whole story Celestia just looked... weird/functionally crazy to me.
And thats as a first response, she didnt even wait for Twilight to refuse, she simply sent Stalight (who was probably a serial killer before so yeah totally trustworthy) to do it on the same night? Without any supervision by some at least semi-sane handler. I mean what, she will be trusted on her word?
Also the machine, it ... umm detects when someone writes down certain key words? what if someone wrote a story with some of the key words, the doctor himself didnt write everythign down (correctly at least, as judging by the fact that he wanted to correct it). And then got killed by Celestia for writing down the obvious things he saw of a Child...
Not to mention the fact that Celestia waited 16 years to do it, just seems random.
Also how did they know anything about soul magic/necromancy if Celestia completly purged it from not only everywhere but her own mind. Completly not partially or "leaving behind some basic knowledge" or anything. And even if she kept some basic info, why share it with a psycho like Sunset.
This could have been so much better if the first response (before even waiting for a response from Twilight regarding the offer) wasnt to kill Twilight, but to try to arest her for the illegal book, using the normal guard instead of the psycho killer. Have Twilight go magical boom, killing the guards. Maybe herself as well heh, or the explosion throwing her off the cllif into the water where she drowns.
I "get" why you used Sunset as a tool to have the "she ends up in the everfree" but she could have just as easily, more easily in fact, burned her body along with the rest in what remained of the Sparkle house. And just say she saw her flee and drown. Who would find the body either way. And Celestia seems to trust the crazy pony with more serious stuff so why wouldnt she trust her word on this.
Maybe if you continue this as a series, start from scratch?
Celestia is a massive bitch in this universe, holy shit. For using such a cunt as her lapdog, she deserves a slow and painful death. Not to mention Sunset Shimmer's own death that needs to happen.
Got a dishonored vibe
I prefer this story to the other (just personal preference) because I see a lot of potential in its development.
I can also see Twilight having a similar ability to what's-her-name from the Mummy reboot (the recent one with Tom Cruise) in that she kisses someone and completely drains them of their life-force, essentially mummifying them, and reanimating them into her servants while also rejuvenating herself so after doing it a dozen or so times she becomes stunning and beautiful.
That is if it somehow fixes her coordination and clumsiness.
Just food for thought.
That was just wrong and.... just.... oh hell no!
Seriously turning Celestia into a murdering bitch? Just, slaughter a perfectly innocent filly for no reason beyond "Oh she might have a bad power, and didn't LEAP at a vague offer that came with no explanation at all"? And sending in, let alone allowing a total fucking psychopath like Sunset to roam free?
This whole thing is just fucked up and wrong. There is no justification, at all, for Celestia, to just calmly say "Oh go kill that pony" when they have done nothing wrong, at all. That is.. that is...
8256813
Wut?
No seriously wut.. how the hell can you call her characterization even remotely close to the show, when you turn her into a remorseless, idiotic, murder? And a freaking stupid one at that. Sending Sunset in? A psychopath? Hell you've established she can just mind rape everypony to forget all this and not think about how bad Sunset screwed up, so why not just vaporize Twilight on the spot herself, and then rip out her family's memories of ever having her? Why not just kill her the moment she was born if she's so eager for innocent blood given she murdered her the moment she showed any hesitation while having no idea what she was talking about. Why not just find her IMMEDIATELY and start taking precautions to make sure Twilight can deal with and control her powers rather then let her spend sixteen years in isolation being made to feel like a monster with no idea what is going on till, hey time for you to die?
No.... just no.... This is simply... such massive, pointless insult to everything great about Celestia.
The amount of 'though's' in the description is very off putting.
Still, this looks interesting, I'll give it a read.
Personal like for pipe smoking ponies.
Story needs a serious AU tag, seriously.
"Sweeped"? Really? Considering the past participle for sweep is "swept" you may want to look a little bit closer to the description than the second half of the story.
I mean yeah, this is small potatoes kinda stuff, but it just flew out at me like an eighteen-wheeler flying at an unsuspecting deer.
I want more of this!!!
Love a good missunderstood magic story
Always happy to liches roam the world. This one gets my vote. Also I'm kind of interested in his the other bearers turn out in this story.
Vengeance unresolved. This is one of the few things I truly despise seeing.
This must go on. I must know.
Even if the ending is even more tragic, I must see it!
THE FLAMES OF HATRED W- *hacking cough*
... Uh, I liked this story. Please continue?