• Member Since 24th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen 18 minutes ago

GreyGuardPony


Just a simple pegasister who likes world building.


E

Everypony in Equestria fears Corona, the Tyrant Sun.

But there was a time when the tyrant stood side by side with her sister, in the days far before the founding of Equestria and the elder sister's descent into madness. And when something they found in those early days calls them and Lyra Heartstrings (Element of Loyalty) to a lost city, the alicorn sisters are forced to deal with the shadows of the past.

Some secrets, are better left buried....

A Lunaverse story, set in the Summer of Season 2.

Cover Art by GatesMcCloud

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 119 )

Whoops, nevermind, it's up already. I'll add it to the pile.

Lab

Oh hey, it's out! I'll have to read it when I get the chance.

Adding to read later list, for sure, very top of the pile. I'd get to it now, but I'm trying to push through my newest project. Have a feeling this one's gonna be good.

Glad to see it up! :pinkiehappy:

So, over all I'm still a bit hesitant, and feel this story risks de-vilifying Corona too quickly, or else conversely just needlessly retreading everything Tambelon already did. I'm also still not entirely sold on some of the prospective lore building-likely to come up, nor the potential implications it could mean for the setting as a whole. I will however give it all time before jumping to any hasty evaluation.

Regardless of any of the above concerns, however, where I can see this fic already shining is in all wonderfully well choreographed character interactions. You continue, as you always, to show a pretty solid grasp of who all these characters are supposed to be and how they're various personality quirks bounce off of each other.

...and now for some specific scene-by-scene feedback.


Pouring the fudge onto a cool marble slab in one smooth motion, she snatched up the nuts, dumped them into the mix and began to fold.

I will never understand why the overwhelming majority of people insist on ruining perfectly good fudge (and brownies) by always adding nutts to them. No accounting for personal tastes though.

Bon Bon stepped in after her, having insisted that she come along for this particular bout of magic testing.

After what happened last time, who could blame her.

And since you heard some legends about the clone making pool,

I'm not sure it's really needed to mention the mirror pool specifically. Lyra's bardic knowledge is commonly known to her friends by this point, and for Trixie imp articular she'd likely equally recall Lyra's recounting of the legend of Andalantys. Probably enough to just mention that Lyra studies old stories with out mentioning any one in particular, or else mention multiple instances where Lyra's knowledge of legends and lore have come up instead of only singling out the most recent.

Some of them looked similar to Spike,

Given as they haven't really seen Spike since all the way back at the start of S1, it might be more appropriate to just say the creatures look like dragons in general. In both this and my preceding note, you do want to be wary of bringing up details that aren't really directly relevant to this particular story, lest coninuity nods inadvertently segue into continuity porn. Not saying it's an actual problem here, just that it's something you should always keep in mind.

“It’s okay Bonnie. We’re smart ponies

“Bonnie. It’s okay.

As mentioned elsewhere recently, I still don't like that nickname within the context the Lunaverse. Just never sounds right coming from our Lyra's mouth. Maybe it's silly of me to fixate on such a seemingly minor thing, but I still intend to always point that out wherever I see it happen.

“Lyra?” Luna blinked, “Bon Bon? How?”

Hmm... I wonder just how familiar with BonBon Luna should really be? Certainly she's seen her, but should she really be able to recollect her name with out at least pausing a moment to think. Even just rephasing to like "And Miss... BonBon??" might seem better -- The use of a formal title to indicate a lack of immediate familiarity, the ellipsis to represent a verbal pause, and the extra question mark indicating that she's also unsure of the name in addition to being surprised the other mare is even here in the first place.

“The Confectionarium!” She shouted, realization crashing down on her, “It’s supposed to open tomorrow! How am I supposed to run the shop while I’m here!”

I do really ever so love it when a character in the midst of an extraordinary situation fixates on a mundane triviality. Lyra works well here as the hero eager to explore new things, while BonBon is just as perfect being the ordinary mare that just wants to get back to her ordinary life.

“It’s totally a thing! I just made it up.”

:rainbowlaugh: ... perhapse Lyra is just a little to eager of a hero... :rainbowkiss:

4720649

I hope that you'll enjoy it. I put a lot of work into this one, in terms of re-writes and everything. But I am very pleased with how its turned out so far.

4722398

Hopefully! And good luck with your project Flicka, I look forward to seeing what it is.

4722714

Thanks Fizzy! You seemed excited about this one from what I posted so far over on the forums, so hopefully the final version will stay entertaining.

4723471

Oh, I see how it is! Now you bring up this stuff rather than in the Writers Workshop when I was asking for it! :derpytongue2:

In all seriousness though, I am aware of what kind of tightrope I need to walk. Hopefully, if I pull this off properly, it'll leave things nice and dramatic for Penultimate and Final Fall of the Tyrant Sun.

Thanks for the feedback on how I handle the character stuff though! Truthfully, that's kind of the thing I tend to be the most nervous about, writing as part of a shared universe, that I'm somehow going to drag characters massively off track. I've been exceptionally nervous about Luna and Celestia/Corona in this one, because of the afore mentioned tightrope walk.

But hearing that I do handle that well feels good. :pinkiehappy:

And give RDD all credit for the addition of Bon Bon into the fic. Lyra was originally here more as an audience surrogate and the "normal pony" to bounce off the weirdness of the high level character stuff, with Bon Bon being stuck behind with Trixie.

But he pointed out that I could use the Luna/Celestia relationship slash conflict as a counterpoint and way to give Lyra and Bon Bon some relationship facetime. And here we are!

Thanks for the feedback though. I can always count on you to be direct and to the point with the things you think need work.

I would say the one fellow is a stupid greedy idiot.

4752653

:pinkiehappy:

Sure seems that way, doesn't it?

“Thousands of years and their problems still rise to strike at the living world!”

I'm right there with ya, Celestia. Well, replace "thousands of years" with "two years" and "creating war golems to destroy all mammals" with "early mistakes with the Lunaverse I still catch Hell for." I still feel like we could bond.

“Could you hand me the money?”

"Sure."
"Thanks...wait...hand!"
"Hand? HAND! GAH! I'M A BEAR AGAIN!"
"How did this happen?!"
"I don't know! Just keep me away from paper!"

Luna sighed

A note that I should have caught earlier, during editing, sorry, but anyway - characters are sighing quite a bit in this. It's a tad repetitive. Might want to have them react to each other in other ways.

And then she began to laugh.

Not even an evil laugh, either. None of the usual mwa-ha-has.

4752683

*faceplam*

I don't believe I didn't catch that hand thing. Boy, do I feel silly right now. :twilightoops:

Also, good point on the sighing. That's a bad habit of mine, defaulting to that reaction when I can't think of something else to have a character do. :ajsleepy:

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I only noticed it because I have the same bad habit in writing.

“So, what do you want to call that one?” Lyra asked, pointing to a green bird with a seemingly out of place red head.

“Strawberry Bird?” Bon Bon posited, tapping her chin.

“Wouldn’t it need to have a red body with a green head for that to be accurate?”

I dunno... if that were the case, then wouldn't Carrot Top have an orange coat with a green mane? :derpytongue2:

4752653

A stupid greedy idiot with solid brass balls

4754374
Sadly does not take balls if thay are stupid. Takes balls to do it if your smart and know what your getting into.

4753061

Shhh! You're pointing out the holes in Lyra's logic! :derpytongue2:

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4754695

*evil giggling* You'll see. You'll all see. :pinkiecrazy:

So that Golem, it's in the shape of a T-rex right?

Nice to see a little sisterly bonding over the destruction of a war machine even if Corona kept spoiling things.

You know I sort of expect them to get back to see a large crater where the sweet shop used to be and some rather sheepish looking element bearers.

Doctor Caballeron well he's certainly got some gall, ok trying to get Luna to sign the wavier might work, she tends to follow the rules. Corona however is known as a crazy vengeful fire goddess, I can't see that ending well.

Most importantly, will Twilight ever get her books?

4758978

You are correct. A T-Rex with a crescent shaped crest stuck on the back of its neck.

*and keeps on grinning about Doctor Caballeron*

Guardy likes to torture me by showing little tidbits of the shape of things to come.

This is only an issue because many moons ago, he tricked me into signing a thoroughly comprehensive NDA.

But suffice to say, yes, the good doctor has some balls on him; what he is doing is on par with fighting Superman by grabbing and throwing him. And as we all know, plans like this tend to bizarrely succeed due to nothing me than the wholly unfounded belief that they ought to.

Also, Guardy? Don’t say things like, “You’ll all see,” while you’re grinning like a lunatic. It makes you look like a… lunatic.

Sorry to be getting to this late, forgot to add it to my tracking list.

Anyway, overall this was a pretty good chapter. I'm still leery of the whole Corona angle, but so far it's mostly balancing out. BonBon though is just in top form all around and pretty much stole the show for the whole chapter.

My only real complaint would be the inclusion of Caballeron. Last I checked we had a hands off policy with Daring Do characters in the Lunaverse. The books exist and have been referenced in other fics, but as none of our main cast are the kind of obsessive fans that would track down the author to her home there'd never be any confirmation or denial as to whether those books are works of fiction or fact. Honestly, the show de-fictionalizing Daring Do and her exploits was messy enough in all its implications, and I'd rather we not have to deal with that in the Lunaverse.

4773810

Well, if its any consolation, I had no intention of defictionalizing Daring Doo herself. There might be an A.K. Yearling out there, but if there is, she's just a writer in my mind.

I'll admit that I didn't think that Doctor C "counted" as a Daring Do character since he was a real pony and was never mentioned in the books before that episode. Which is a weird distinction, I admit but it kind of made sense in my head.

4774481
Quote from the show...

Rainbow Dash: "He's from book four: Daring Do and the Razor of Dreams. He wanted to partner with Daring Do on her adventures."
Twilight Sparkle: "I know, but she refused! I can't believe it! The real Daring Do and the real Caballeron!"

Maybe he wasn't mentioned to us as the audience before that episode, but both Twilight and Rainbow clearly already knew who he was from reading the other books off-screen. As such, making him "real" implicitly does the same for Daring Do and everything else that goes with her. So as we aren't intending to include Daring herself, then it would probably be best to just rename the villain for your story here.

Don't really have to re-write anything, just switch out the name (and probably cutie mark too). Every thing else about him is already non-descript enough that it could pretty much be any generic "evil" archeologist.

4774540

But coming up with new names and cutie-marks is haaaarrrdddd! :raritycry:

:derpytongue2:

Though, this way I can pick a name that I'm not always having to look up the spelling of. :twilightoops:

Comment posted by Mugen Kagemaru deleted Aug 1st, 2014

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4774481

Here's an idea. Have Lyra lampshade the Daring Do connection and have Caballeron make it clear that the connection is a coincidence. Could even give him a different given name (assuming the DD Caballeron has his own).

4782584

Right now, I'm kind of mentally leaning towards calling him "Ritter". Since Caballeron is a play on caballero (the Spanish word for knight), it would keep the same "theme" going, as Ritter is German for knight.

4782604

Ah hah! Idea!

How about he mention that A.K. Yearling gave her Caballeron the given name "Cheval" (play on "chevalier" - French for "knight") and introducing himself as Dr. Ritter Caballeron?

4782604
I agree with this change in name. Keeps him more or less the same character, but without the implicit narrative baggage. :twilightsmile:

4782584
As cute as the lampshading angle might be, it would have the opposite problem. We don't want to de-fictionalize Daring Do in the Lunaverse, but we also don't want to explicitly contradict the show by saying she isn't real either. Instead we just keep her off-screen and never address the issue one way or the other.

4782655

Bah! Fillystines, all of you! :ajbemused: :twilightangry2:

But that begs the question of how a coincidental naming thing would do either of those two things. If the reader assumes DD is real, it could be argued that there's another "Dr. Caballeron" out there whose the same guy as in the books. And if (s)he assumes it's not, then it's a bona-fide coincidence that Yearling gave the rival archaeologist the same surname as Dr. Ritter Caballeron.

In the end, it's left up to the reader.

The angle I was imagining was that Lyra would get confused by the connection and Dr. Ritter would set her straight, and even decide to simply go by his given name to avoid future confusion.

4782659
Was that hyperbole, or are you actually angry?

4782671

Little of both. BTW, edited the post.

4782676
Fair enough, but I'm sorry you feel even a little angry.

Still, it's hard to call him Caballeron without taking a stance one way or the other whether or not Daring Do is also real. So over all it seems a simpler thing to just avoid it outright by not use that name in the first place.

4782671

Either way, here's a demo.

Lyra: Wait, Dr. Caballeron? From Daring Do?
Dr. Ritter: Of course, every time. It's just a coincidence that those books used my name. I even talked to Ms. Yearling about it! You know what? Just call me "Dr. Ritter" - my given name, it'll make things much easier.

Of course, very fleshed out and actually worth reading. I've always sucked at dialogue.

4782706

True, it would be easier, but not as funny.

And what better way to leave DD's reality ambiguous than by leaving it up to the reader?

4782718
We are leaving it up to the reader though. By simply avoiding the use of Daring Do and related characters, we are neither confirming nor denying that Daring Do is herself real.

Would it be funny to use the same name and make a joke about the Daring Do books? Maybe. However, It probably wouldn't be worth the potential narrative headaches that could crop up later because of it.

She really doesn't understand how she looks, does she? It'll take something far more horrifying than Grogar to get her to see herself as the irrational nitwit she's become.

Dun dun DUN...dun dun dun dun...

Also, poor Bon Bon. All she wants to go is go home with Lyra, but Lyra's got to be all noble and save the day and such. Stupid Loyalty. :twilightsmile:

4787811
Luna, Celestia, or Lyra?

Its interesting to see Luna's perspective in relation to Corona here. It may be a bit harsh but I think her immortality is colouring her reactions as much as her familial bond. The ponies Corona has killed / threaten to kill are less important because they're more emtherial, they would all be gone in a century where as her sister is for ever (more or less).

4787811

Yes....something. :scootangel:

4787820

Yeah, but that's why we love her so! Or at least why I love her so. Some of her fics are my faves in the Lunaverse. Helping...Hands? always makes me laugh.

4788168

You could argue it's a mixture of both. Celestia and Luna's immortality pretty much guarantee that the only true constants in their lives are each other, and I think that you'd have a hard time arguing that Bon Bon probably wouldn't be as willing to take chances with Lyra if she was the one who had randomly gone evil. Immortality, family and love.

Makes for a hell of a combination.

The name Ritter makes me think of an ex-Wonderbolt from This Platinum Crown who got her just desserts from Rainbow Dash.

Hmm...now who could this 'WE' be...Hmm...

I'm gonna guess another Saurian spirit, and that's why The Watcher can't see him.

Lyra also has the exemple of the Maneverse Celestia to draw on when imagining a good Corona...

Nothing says sisterly bonding like fighting your way out of a tomb.

I based the saurians off of two primary sources. The first being The Reptiles from Chrono Trigger,

For better or worse, ever since the Chrono Trigger comparison on was first made over on the forums, I can only picture The Watcher as a floating "genie" reptite.

And I'm now dubbing this primordial war between the saurians and the alicorns as the Sauromachy, to compare/contrast with the Titanomachy (war against the Titans) and Gigantomachy (war against the giants) of Greek myth.

4825686

Quite! Especially tombs that are full of...creatures.

4826053

Dang...now that you bring it up I can't stop seeing it either. In sprite form none the less.

4826847

That. Is. Awesome! :pinkiehappy:

Seriously, it just sounds awesome. Excellent thought RDD.

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Personally, I’m waiting until we learn about the Discomachy, which is, as we all know, the ancient war against disco.

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I have no idea why I was awake. I managed to go to sleep not long after and get about 6 hours, though. That's good.

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