It's no secret that Trixie hasn't had the best track record with friends. So she is the last pony to be surprised that a former friend would track her down to settle a score. But when that former friend is Galeb, a Zebrony skilled in the art of Neigh Orleans Voodoo, things start to get a little tricky.
When that same former friend is trying to force Trixie into a duel with her very Knighthood on the line, that's when things start to get down right difficult.
Season two Lunaverse Story. Set in Spring.
A big thank you goes out to my two wonderful editors Lemielan and Wolfstorm56 as well as to Dmgtitan for his help in creating the Zebrony culture.
Chapters (9)
Damn it Pinkie! Stop sneaking into my stories!
Oh Alright. But keep it brief this time.
You need to fix your italics tag. Anyway I'm liking it so far!
Still there is the matter that Zecora once tol the Luna6 that Zebras don't get cutie marks, and Trixie didn't correct her... so maybe you should make a note that Galeb has one because he's part Earth Pony, but that it's been enhanced by Zebra tatoo art or something?
I'll be looking forward to the rest!
Also in the list of nemesis you should add 'whoever keeps subscribing me to dirty magazines like Erotic Knitting Monthly' because it's something I decided Zizanie does to spite Trixie
3764337
Thanks for the comment
I've fixed the italics issue.
Zebronies don't get cutie marks either. The mark on Galeb's flank is called a Beacon (working title) and is based on the Veve . It is call a Beacon because it is believed to help open a Zebrony's connection to greater spiritual powers. When a Zebrony comes of age they are given their Beacon from one of their elders. Though most beacons incorporate the Crossroads in some way (a symbol of great mystical importance in Neigh Orleans Voodoo) each Beacon is unique. In Zebrony art, the beacons are often the easiest way to identify the individuals being depicted.
And I added the part about Erotic Knitting Monthly because it is brilliant
Oh baby! Darn that sock! Darn it now!
Zebrony is a cleaver portmanteau on zebra and brony with the double constants of B and R merging. It has 1 more syllable than zony or zorse, but that is okay.
3764495
Personally I'm of the opinion that zebra/pony hybrids have a 50/50 shot of getting an actual cutie mark. Still, that's not really relevant here as either way it can be fact that Galeb doesn't have one. Oh, and according to wikipedia the official term for such hybrids is a [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zebroid]"zony" and personally I prefer it, if only because "zebrony" sounds too much like "brony". Although it could perhaps be amusing if the characters themselves had an argument over the proper term.
Anyway, I'm already REALLY enjoying this fic; keep up the good work. On a note of minor concern though, Trixie doesn't actually hold a title of knighthood. Luna's decree was that whomever bears an Element of Harmony, should they be worthy, is a knight of the realm. As such, that title is really hers to wager even if she wanted to, though her position as Ponyville Representative could still be fair game.
So.....Ditzy is ALSO one of her nemeses? Cool.
Broken italics tag. Other than that, this is a good start, and I can't wait to see where it's going.
3764639 Actually, does he even know that? He wasn't there for the ceremony, so all he knows is that she's a knight. Heck, I could see that as a genera savy loophole to abuse, especially if you throw in exact words.
3749913 Yeowch, that is a really long list. You forgot "chaos empowered shape shifting spies" and "bungling translators" on the list though.
New Orlenes voodoo?
3764495 Oh I see! If it's not a Cutie Mark then you shouldn't use the term to describe it tough, just to make it clear. Also you describe his hat as being 'under' his mane instead of over it
.
As an aside I love the way you write Pokey and Trixie's dialogue, it's pitch perfect!
You have "you think" in their twice.
3765175
True; I was more so making sure Zap remembered though.
You know I don't think Pinkie knows that Nemesis actually means
Plus
The mouth on those two .
3764639
Thanks for the feedback, glad your enjoying it so far.
I’m open to suggestion on whether or not Zebronies can get cutie marks but I still think that regardless of whether a Zebrony has a cutie mark they still get given a beacon when they come of age.
You are right, Zony is the correct term for a Zebra pony cross. The thing about the term Zebrony is that it isn’t just genetic but also geographic. The Zebra/pony hybrids that were born in the Neigh Orleans identify themselves as Zebronies as point of difference and as a result most residents from Niegh Orleans call Zebra/pony hybrids Zebronies.
Even if her Knighthood was a legitimate title, Galebs plan falls apart on the basis that both of Trixie’s titles were Luna appointed. This means that even she holds them, they are not Trixie’s to hand over to anybody. At best he can get Trixie to resign her post in Ponyville, which he would still consider a win.
Though just for my own clarification, if her knighthood isn’t official, why is she allowed to introduce herself as Dame Trixie Lulamoon?
3766792
Fair enough about the zebrony thing, though now I'm more convinced than ever that someone should get into an argument with Galeb about it. Maybe Cheerilee, though that's entirely up to you.
Actually, with the president established by the historical accounts Trixie could probably wager such things regardless of who appointed them to her in the first place. It might seem silly by modern legal standards, but I think it works with in the context of the Lunaverse's semi-feudal system as part archaic codes of honor and challenge. These are rules aren't really employed much in Equestria in more, but at the same time no one has ever bother taking them off the books so the can technically still be invoked.
Trixie's knighthood is entirely 100% official, it's just that the title is actually conferred upon the Element of Magic and thus only conferred upon Trixie by proxy by virtue of bearing it. Trixie can't wager the title because it isn't really hers, although were she completely daft she could conceivably wager the "big-crown-thingy" itself, however, even if Galeb won such a wager it would not confer upon him the corresponding title of knighthood unless the artifact itself acknowledged his worthiness to bear it (as that was a further conditional clause when Luna first attached the knightly titles to the Elements of Hamrony).
So far this is looking to be pretty amusing. I hope Pinkie sneaks in here a few more times, she does a marvelous job aggravating Galeb. Wonder what a Neigh Orleans Voodoo... do-er can do? Guess he'll figure out some way to get her into that duel, one way or another.
3765175
. Other notable candidates include the Everfree Sirens, The Ursa Major and Minor, the Manehattan Mobsters and the purposely obstructive guards in Canterlot.
Yeah, if Trixie was to list all of her potential nemesises we would be here all day so she had to trim it down to just a small sample
3765105
Thanks for the heads up. Glad your liking it so far.
3765741
Thank you. Yeah, those two are always great together, their dialogue almost writes itself. One of these days I should really do a story focusing on them.
3766073
Well probably not, but then again she wanted to take up beat poetry because you get to wear a beret and play the bongos
3769030
Yes, Pinkie does always know how to bring the fun.
Can't wait to see how this story goes
Okay, not too shabby. The window gag... no comment. Just... no... *Grumbles*
Besides that, nice to see Trixie putting this idiot in his place. At least for now. He will get owned, I assume?
*Grins* Oh, this should be fun...
3783190
Yeah I knew you wouldn't be too pleased about that. I originally planned to make him smash someone else's window by mistake but then I realised that was making him look just a tad too stupid.
Don't worry I'm done with her window now.
Well not to give too much away, he's gonna poke the beehive a bit more and then we see what happens.
3787846
Indeed
I almost feel a little sorry for Galeb. He's trying so hard to be Captain Hammer, but so far he's Johnny Snow at best.
Sorry, forgot to ask - as this is being canonized...where would you like it placed? Autumn, Winter, Spring, or Summer?
3810589
I'm aiming for this to be set in Spring. Early enough the World Tour or other of the major Springtime stuff probably hasn't happened yet but still with more of a slant towards what we're intending to happen in Spring and Summer.
Oh, joy. Even when she does the right thing, she takes it up the plot. Hmmm. I wonder if Galeb likes the idea of the Apple Trust raining down on him en masse.......
Heh, "Big Marecintosh."
I'd wager that Rarity gets "her" into at least one dress. "She's," sadly, a bit too much of a gentleman to turn down a lady.
And then, in righteous fury, all the hetero/bisexual mares in Ponyville linched the crap of Galeb. The end.
P.E: Shouldn´t voodoo magic include summoning and bargains with
friends other sideloas?That would be terrible
Well it does look like Cheerilee felt the disturbance in the oestrogen.
Fun so far, although I want Pokey to get joked.
hmm actually wouldn't just the threats against trixie and vandalism be enough to toss galeb in jail?
I'm really hoping Galeb gets kicked in the face. On the page, spelled out. No cut scene or anything.
3870938 This. It would make for a nice subversion of the usual way this kind of thing goes.
3871057 wouldn't it be a little anticlimactic to build up to a big duel scene just to have the main antagonist get jailed right before though? Though it would be a funny subversion.
Two great set piece references to "Magical Duel!" So will this be a series of Galeb failing to get anything to work according to plan? Because if you are going the serious route, he's already done enough to justify calling the cops on him.
3869139
I've come to the conclusion that the universe has decided that Trixie is allowed to succeed and find happiness but that she darn well has to have earned it.
3870408
That would certainly end things a lot quicker, I almost want to resolve the story that way in stead.
Well it includes that as well but that always comes at a cost so a good part of the Niegh Orleans voodoo play book also involves alternate means of getting the job done. Why get in debt with a Ioa when you can get the same result with parlour tricks and misdirection.
3870938 3871057 3875097
While it would definitely be a nice subversion of how this usually works, I don't really think Galeb has actually enough to get thrown in jail. Trixie's already sending him the bill for the smashed window and she cut him off before he could actually make a threat against her.
They can't prove that Galeb is responsible for Pinkie and Big Mac being joked, especially since the more rational explanation would be that the two came in contact with poison joke with out realising it. What they have on him is substantial.
Even if they could prove that Galeb was the one that left the message on the wall, that still isn't an an arrestable offence in and of it self.
I mean, Gilda did more when she was in town and she got off scot free
3870692
As if millions of mares suddenly cried out in frustration and were not sure why.
3871057
This is the Lunaverse, he has to teleport away before he learns his lesson, didn't you read the memo?
3875779
Really? Poisonous material being placed on an article of clothing wouldn't be seen as a purposeful threat? With Pinkie giving testimony against Galeb?
......
Okay, it is Pinkie Pie, so maybe there's room for doubt.
But I'm not even making an argument for the cops being especially competent or virtuous. At this point, wouldn't the Ponyvillians just be sick to death of magical mishaps befalling their town from freaks and would-be super villains? The anti-government sentiment, for example, has been apparent since the conspiracy against them from the end of season 1. And at this point, Trixie and the Elements have enough pull to cast suspicion on Gabel to the point of keeping eyes on him. From that point, he would either have to keep all his stunts to being mostly harmless, or be in actual trouble with the law quickly after playing his hoof. I'm not trying to end this story early; once he's exposed for say, illegal dark magic, he could beat feet from Ponyville and bide his time (which would be another good callback). There just needs to be the logic of legality and authority in order for this to be relateable, and therefore readable.
Still, perhaps you could go somewhere with a tedious premise. Perhaps Trixie will throw her hat in the ring just from getting panicked/irritated waiting for Gabel to pull something truly dangerous.
Or maybe you could up the danger factor with Gabel being kept under observation, moving to captivity, but with unfortunate and clearly-purposeful incidents still occurring against the citizenry, in a direction similar to Law Abiding Citizen.
(Cool premise, bloody fantastic start, but towards the end it looses sight of wanted to be and will leave you unsatisfied).
I'm sort of already using her as a character over in Elements of Insanity, and not only does she not live in Ponyville, but she's also not the kind of pony who'd ever end up as any kind of friendly acquaintance to any of the L6.
3878981
You might be taking things a tad to seriously. The Lunaverse isn't really supposed to be so overly realistic most of the tiem and needs to still be able to indulge in some of the same whimsical fantasy that the show does.
3887721
Whoops, sorry about that, I was trying to think of some non important back ground pony so that was a fail on my part. I've changed it to Sweet Éclair.
Thanks for letting me know.
Thank you. I didn't want to say anything for risk of sounding defensive. That said, this discussion has given me some ideas on how to tweak the next few chapters and hopefully improve the story.
This is a good story, but Pinkamena Diane Pie is out of character:
Pinkamena Diane Pie is a genius. She knows the face, name, address, and date of birth of every resident of Ponyville. She can do day-number arithmetic for figuring out how many days are to and from every birthday in her head. I shall list the best Pinkie episodes of each season for reference:
* S01E25 “Party Of 1”
* S02E18 “A Friend Indeed”
* S04E12 “Pinkie Pride”
The only Pinkie Episode in Season # 3 is the genocidal S03E03 “Too Many Pinkies”, which is not just a bad Pinkie Episode, but the worst episode of MLP:FIM. Genocide is not funny.
Despite having an eidetic memory, Pinkamena Diane Pie forgot the name CheeseSandwich in S04E12 “Pinkie Pride”. That is okay because it was part of a joke with a 22-minute setup. If any ponies can appreciate the RuleOfFuny, it is CheeseSandwich and Pinkamena Diane Pie.
Pinkamena Diane Pie is not a drooling moron with 2/3rds the intelligence of the average pony, but a genius with 4/3rds the intelligence of the average pony.
3913573
Firstly I'd just like to say that I agree. I think that Pinkie Pie is a highly intelligent pony (not to mention my favourite of the mane6) that just happens to march to her own drummer. That's why she can remember the exact birth dates of ponies she runs into on the street but fail to realise that Rainbow Dash was being sarcastic when she called Fluttershy a tree.
Coupled with her randomness is the fact of her commitment to a joke/game, like when she pretended to be scared of Luna despite knowing full well the princess wouldn't her or when she went into full on spy mode when the mane6 were trying gather information in the Crystal Empire.
Now with this in mind, could you please clarify how and where I portrayed Pinkie as a drooling moron because that certainly wasn't my intent.
3913923
Pinkamena Diane Pie is busy trying to make Big MacIntosh into her nemesis when a vengeful zebrony threatens Ponyville. She should see the eminent danger and focus on the threat. Her personality should impose, so she should still go all Pinkamena Diane Pie as s spy in the Crystal Empire, but she should focus on the threat. She is too smart to play with Big MacIntosh in such dire circumstances, although since Big MacIntosh is a bounty-hunter, it makes since that she would seek assistance from him.
Personally, I suspect that Pinkamena Diane Pi is as intelligent as Princess Twilight Sparkle. In battle, I would rather have her as an ally than enemy.
3913982
While this does ultimately come to personal opinion, I'm going to have to disagree.
The only pony that at the time knew that Galeb was a threat was Trixie. All any pony else saw (Pinkie included) was a big talking zebra-thing that was promptly put in his place by Trixie.
Ignoring this Pinkie Pie habitually doesn't take things seriously. Her solution to the dragon problem involved balloons plus a rubber chicken, her reaction to a ground shaking stampede was how it made her voice sound funny and her counter argument to stopping Discord was that chaos came with chocolate rain. This doesn't mean she's an idiot, her world is just governed by fun instead of logic.
Also, this is the Lunaverse, where she hasn't needed to take things as seriously as she needed to in the Maneverse.
But as I said, this does come down to person opinion and I'm sorry if you felt I made Pinkie come across as an idiot, that wasn't my intent.
3914129
Come to think about it, you are write:
I forgot that Pinkamena Diane Pie knows less than I know. Although she knows that Galeb is a self-proclaimed nemesis, that is all she knows. Still:
Since Galab poinoed both her and Big MacIntosh with PoisonJoke, and Galeb painted a threat onto the Residency. It would not surprise me, if from this point onward, both Bounty-Hunter Big MacIntosh and Pinkamena Diane Pie will ally with the Luna 6 against Galeb. ¡Galeb is in trouble now!
Well, this is an interesting case of Bothering By The Book.....
Well this has gotten... wild.
I did not see that coming, Ivory Scroll's is Badass.
So what you're saying is that he was thrown out for being a hobo?
3914239
More that he was a tourist (ie an individual that was visiting the town with no intent of working or moving there) that had his right to enter Ponyville revoked due to suspicious circumstances.
Though the fact that he was being a hobo wouldn't help his case.
A bat named "Love & Tolerance"?
Also, shouldn´t giving a member of the CMC a bunch of alchemic materials be legally considered an act of terrorism?
Hmm, kicked out of Ponyville? Wonder how he'll get back in...
Trixie is going to be the least of his problems once Applejack finds out he endangered Apple Bloom.
3914797 ...I am so looking forward to that.