When Raindrops takes Snails to Canterlot, her only thought is having a fun day with her little brother. Unfortunately, with the arrival of a mysterious force that seems to be abducting ponies out of their homes, the capital of Equestria has become a dangerous place. Cut off from support and unable to return to Ponyville, Raindrops must work with Cheerilee, Carrot Top, a government official, and one of her most hated enemies in order to protect her brother, stop the disappearances and keep the city safe. But they'll have to move fast, because the number of vanished ponies is steadily increasing... and it could soon include the Ponyville visitors as well. Lunaverse story.
Many thanks to my invaluable beta, Talon&Thorn.
Chapters (10)
Should that be worked rather than looked?
Anyway, DT and SS are such bitches, I really want something very very bad to happen to them.
Nice story and I can see the changes from the first version, even better than before.
4279912 : Whoops, changed.
Glad you liked it, and thanks once again for all your help!
*Sighs, looks to growing list of stuff to read* I hate you right now. ;) *Adds to favorites*
Oh wow!!!! Okay, I always love your stories and this one is starting off awesome!! Snails being adorable, Twilight being frazzled and cute, and hopefully somepony about to shove a hoof up the plot of Fisher and the return of Greengrass! Muy interesante!!
Can't wait for more!
Optimistic about this one, but...wary, for obvious reasons. Certain of the characters are sort of prone to bringing up memories. But! 'Tis a new era and we'll move along.
Of course, it's worth noting that Fisher is the sort of pony who says this about everything.
The Archduke looked Max square in the face. "Your zeal is appreciated, but this is not the sort of agency for a newcomer to the Court to learn what he is doing. This decision matters, Max. Lives are at stake. If we make a mistake, it could be the end of everything we hold dear. We do not have the luxury of indulging inexperience. Go learn on the other councils."
The Baron digested this for several moments. "Archduke, we're ordering lunch..."
Cut off from support, in the capital city, where the knights of harmony have right of approach. Even assuming Luna and ALL three viceroys where out of town, surely they could still get help from somepony official. You'd better have a VERY good excuse up your sleeve.
Minor concern, but while it is only specificaly the high noon sun, I'm not sure referring to it as "bright" and "warm" is a particularly good way to express optimism for the coming day. Perhaps instead weave the description together with the also mentioned clouds to present the idea of a day that will be comfortably shady.
Given that she's a rather obscure background pony on the show, it might be beneficial to the readers if you gave a brief description of her appearance and demeanor. Especially the latter, as it's specifically our canon that describes her as being very flitty and overly energetic at all times, yet she seems perhaps a bit to docile here. She's supposed to be something of a compulsive multi-tasker so should probably be doing something else while talking as well. Also, since she's a fast talker, maybe even let her ramble through a longer list of instructions before Snails can manage to get a word in edgewise.
Should there really be such easy access to hair tonic of that sort, seeing as in the show Snips & Snails still had bald spots after the bubble-gum incident?
Would Silver Spoon really have ever known the doctor's name in the first place, or even if she had would it really be the kind of thing she'd remember so long after? Besides, I'd think she'd be more likely to tease him about some more recent incident anyway.
Though for that matter, I think that past this point the teasing really is starting to cross the line, even for DT&SS. They aren't normally this persistently cruel unless they've got some kind of agenda. I guess maybe they are just being petty over the bug test, but it still seems overly excessive even for that. They wouldn't want to risk him tattling unless they had something to gain.
I like the Freudian slip her, but "pretty" probably isn't the write word. Maybe consider something "Scootaloo's really athletic and dashing, err... I mean, just look how fast she is on that scooter." The double meaning helps keep her secret crush a better secret.
Also, also DT should probably only say Alula LOOKS like a princess, not that she's going to be one. The foals really all should know better than to actually think the latter.
I suppose that's an excuse, but it still seems both overly petty and risky even for DT. I get that you're trying to set up a reason for Snails to be desperate to hang out with his sister, but maybe instead of having the bullies talking him down, have them instead just bragging about how special they are because they get to go on a day trip with their daddies. This could then more naturally segue into saying how unlucky Snails is that his sister never takes him anywhere special, which could further segue into her being ashamed of him.
Seriously, this should be a major no, no for Wallflower. She's not supposed to have speaking roles, or really any significant onscreen appearance. You should really find somepony else to give this speech. Maybe make mention of Wallflower being out of town and have a proxy filling in for her.
Seems an awfully casual form of address. I should think Fisher would append the baron title in front, probably with italicized emphasis to remind him who holds the higher rank.
This line might have more bite to it if fisher added something more along the lines of "Or the Duchess of Cloudsdale if you need to be coddled."
As funny as this whole sequence is, even on the show where she has FIVE such other best friends, she still counts Shining as her BBBFF. Also, color me surprised as you were the last author I ever thought would be cutting Twilight any slack with her house arrest. Strangely enough I'm actually now the one who think the situation sounds far to lenient, especially as it doesn't even seem to be an essential aspect to the story. Something like this seems a better choice I think for 1 year, not 6 months (especially since their would probably still be a black mark on her record from the Trixie clone incident).
Could she really participate in the Running; it happens outside the borders of Ponyville. Then again, I've wanted some kind of chained heat adventure with Trixie, and that could be a harmlessly amusing way to do it... but that might be too harmless and inconsequential to actually work as a story.
Also, as much as Twilight is supposed to be trying to make friends, I think this scenes DRASTICLY oversells how successfully she should be this early on in her rehabilitation. Again this isn't even a Twilight fic in the first place, so the whole scene just feel needlessly contrived and tacked on.
This is EQUESTRIA, where all the weather is scheduled in advance, so that shouldn't be a problem and even a panicky Twilight should know better.
Her parents are VICROYS, a mere grocer strike would not be a problem, and again Twi should know better.
Should probably append a "Miss" in front of her name.
Again, this is getting overly extreme, she really shouldn't be making that big of an impression. Though Snails could still be just as grateful considering the help she's been giving foals practicing magic.
Okay, this is cute, but still, this whole scene with Twilight is just dragging on FAR to long for a non-Twilight story.
Sigh... he really wasn't supposed to lose rank; his fall at AtGGG was specifically constructed in a narrative fashion so that couldn't happen (destroying only his reputation, without criminal charges being able to stick). Even if he did lose his rank, the fact it happened off screen instead of in AtGGG is really unfair to the readers who hated him enough to actually want to see it happen. Besides, even ousted from the his seat in the court, he should presumably still retain governance of Caneighda.
4280916
Well, I suppose someone needs to be. I'd like to be, I really, really would as Greengrass was always a personal favorite, and I want to see more able to be done with him. After Notary was ruined for me though, I'm just not sure I can get my hopes up for anything better here.
4280419 :Glad you're looking forward to it. I had a lot of fun writing this one, and not only because I was trying to push myself to see if I could write a novel-length work in a reasonable amount of time. I'm really looking forward to showing off a lot of fun character interactions in this one.
4280916 : Yep, Fisher's a very serious guy. "They overcharged me three jangles! I could have used those jangles to DEFEND EQUESTRIA!"
I'm glad you're willing to give this fic a fair shake. I tried hard when writing it to avoid the issues that cropped up in Stalliongrad, and also to a lesser extent in various S1 places.
4281898 : Unfortunately, I can't answer several of your comments because they'll be addressed later in text and it would be spoilers. To briefly comment on a few of the minor things:
* I never really got a 'manic' impression of Shutterbug from Magic Tutor, which is the only place I really recall her having much presence. She seemed to me to be a typical happy mother who loves her son dearly, so I went with the same thing here.
* The hair-regrowing solution is one of Granny Smith's secret recipes and isn't commonly available in Ponyville.
* Silver Spoon's already been established as one of the best students in the class (in 'Exam Jitters'), so I think it's reasonable that she has a good memory. Plus, given how Raindrops insulted Snails in a very public manner, I'm sure the foals eagerly sought out all gossip about the incident, so it lodged in her head.
* Silver Spoon has explicitly called Snails brain-damaged because Raindrops hits him in the head, so I think this kind of cruelty is in character for the bullies. Just because Diamond Tiara is sweet on Scootaloo doesn't make her a nice pony, esp. when she's grumpy for other reasons.
* I like a lot of the small wording things (with Fisher, Diamond Tiara, etc), so I'll probably use those if that's okay.
* Twilight panics about not scheduling time to make new schedules. She frets about being sent back to kindgarten for forgetting a homework assignment. I think 'worrying that the weather or food will go haywire' is a reasonable interpretation of her character.
*
4282074
I never said I thought she needed to be nicer. Heck, I'm one of the biggest critics AGAINST using her crush on Scoots to portray her as any nicer than her show counterpart. Rather my point is that even the version on the show isn't this cruel unless she actually has something to gain, such as for example pointing out Scoots inability to fly so as to win a flag competition.
Of course it's okay. It would be rather silly of me to make such suggestions if it weren't.
True, but that's her worrying about things that SHE does or fails to do, not the world itself falling apart around her.
4282074
Maybe not manic, but certainly...active. She's supposed to be the polar opposite of Snails, Dewdrops, and Raindrops, all of whom are more-or-less sedate or at least controlled.
4282127 : Hmm. I'll go back and edit to make her a little more hyper, then.
4282120 : I see DT as the type to take things out on others when she is personally unhappy. She might not be this cruel normally, but daddy said no to her. She hates that. :-)
4282127
Well, Snails is kind of hyper in his own way. More so, as I recall, the basic core of the idea is Raindrops is physically slow, Snails is mentally slow, Dewdrop is verbally slow. So for contrast, Shutterbug is FAST in all of those categories.
Great. He's been sacrificed for the greater good......of his co-conspirators. It's like he's some idiot on a reality show who thinks that he's got a rock-solid alliance only to get kicked out of The Game.
4282454 : Season 2, Spring, if the quorum puts it where I want to. :-) But it does not require knowledge of Tambelon.
Whoops, just realized I hadn't favorited this so as to follow it.
Wow, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon can be little bitches. But, again, I've known kids worse than them that grew up fine. Still, at the moment, they're kinda' bitches.
I'm going to admit that I'm surprised Snails doesn't know about the birds and the bees. Mostly because of how much time he spends observing bugs and animals; I'm sure he would have caught a few in the act every now and then and noticed that not long after the female of the pair tends to lay a lot of eggs. And from that, he could extrapolate. Also a lot of the bug books he got his hands on may talk about things like "mating." Then again, he is Snails, and therefor it's expected that he'd be a bit slow on the uptake.
I have a similar belief with Applebloom, though for her it's less bugs and more pigs, sheep, fruitbats, etc.
4285365
I guess he's figured out reproduction for insects but not extrapolated that to ponies yet, I can see him walking around quite normally one day and then the penny just drops, "Oh!" although it might take a while to figure out eggs aren't involved and baby ponies are less likely to eat each other than many baby insects. That and extrapolating insect mating habits to ponies might not be the best way to get a date.
"Ahhhh! After out date she said if I was lucky she'd eat me! I don't want to be eaten!"
"Dude, that's generally considered a good end to a date."
"Really! Why? Does she plant her eggs in my corpse so our larva have something to eat?"
Well in the M-verse Sheep and maybe Pigs seems sentient so they might like some privacy unless they're exhibitionists. As for fruitbats as opposed to vampire fruitbats well they might be some sort of magic plant for all we know, they might reproduce asexually.
4285442
Pigs haven't ever been depicted as anything other than unthinking animals, while sheep...well, there's a can of worms waiting there. Suffice to say that in the Lunaverse they're non-sapient, though capable of parroting speech.
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, worst ponies ever.
Mounty Max, best Baron ever. And personally I vote for the sentient Ministry option, that sounds like a world of fun. Or maybe "fun".
Shiny! Best BBBFF ever. Also possibly the only one ever.
Ooo, looks like Max's close association with Posey isn't a secret, though keeping it secret from the likes of Fisher would have been pretty unlikely if that was even the plan at all.
Oops, make that BBFFF.
And suddenly I'm wondering about the hilarious potential of Snails befriending a changeling. Were there any plans for them as of yet in the Lunaverse?
Hmn, and Greengrass too? Interesting cast of characters in this.
Really digging this build-up. Everything is coming together in really interesting ways.
Hunting down and 'disappearing' 'threats' to innocent, 'helpless' ponies who are 'defenseless' against them. Who does that sound like, I wonder. It sounds like somepony
with a hyper-active mother complex and not much in the way of understanding that she cannot and should not live their lives for them.
4289512
Maybe, but at the same time, this seems kind of...small...for her.
4279912
Don´t worry: one of the main themes of the Lunaverse is: karma always strikes back.
New headcanon, there are multiple changelings living at the insectarium, happily soaking up the bug love. Snails alone can feed a family of four!
But seriously, hilarious ending with Greengrass.
4290479 : That's an awesome idea. :-) I can just imagine a bunch of changeling docents soaking up the love directed towards their less advanced brethren.
I bet a great fanfic could be written with that premise. Probably couldn't be canon, but it'd still be awesome.
4289632
But not for one of her more EAGER subordinates. The pony I have in mind tends to view her return as heralding a golden age in which relatively harmless grifters like this are scourged from her utopia. He probably thinks that because the Night Court has been subdued just as his religion's teachings predicted.
4289685
Unlike the Mane Six's world in which DT and SS are clearly somepony else's problem.
I really just couldn't get into the scene at the insectarium. None of the dialogue felt in any way natural, too much dry expository declaration bereft of meaningful emotional context. Also, the whole sidetrack about DT&SS goes back to my problem with how excessively over the top their bullying was in the previous chapter. It just reflects poorly on Cheerilee if EVERYONE knows that they are bullies and yet she seemingly is unable to do ANYTHING to curtail such behavior. I don't want to lose them as foalish antagonists, but for them to get away with it the adults can't be nearly so aware of it all.
Seriously? Between the bug museum, visiting Cheerilee's friend, the farm expo, and now a play (not to mention that they still need to make time for meals) -- ALL while staying to together as a single group? This is all starting to sound way to busy for a supposedly casual day trip. Most people would be content to make a day of just one or two of those activities. Also, it feels a little too soon for there to be a professional play about their "triumph" over Corona, considering the tyrant sun is still at large.
The sidetrack about Carrot Top being billed as an ordinary pony due to her less flashy talents and accomplishments also seemed rather forced. Especially since Cheerilee would probably be much the same, since her "mysterious" past isn't exactly common knowledge in the first place. Heck if anything I'd expect a play to cast Cheerilee as the "boring" one, given that stuff CT has done during the course of our series is actually more likely to have made it to the papers. It really feels like you're projecting the external reading audience's perception of the characters into the setting.
Oh, so Cheerilee is doing her stuff on her own. I guess that helps with the time crunch a little, but it still feels like they are trying to cram too many activities into a single day.
Did you really have to drag a moral diatribe into this story. It's just so heavy handed and really kills what little mood and pacing you'd actually managed to build. I came here to be entertained, not waylaid by soapbox preaching.
A Diamond Dog running a Canterlot tea shop... really? That just doesn't seem to mesh at all well with any previous appearances. Keep in mind that here in the Lunaverse "Diamond Dog" is something of a pejorative label for the less savory members of the wider Cheeroonear race.
Shesh, Raindrops is kind of a witch. Yeah, aside from bringing your brother safely back to you when he ran away while you weren't watching, he did nothing at all to help.
The way the L6 hold grudges is really kind of tiring, I'd like to believe that the Element Bearers wouldn't be so full of hate.
4293609 : She means, he didn't help point out that Snails isn't terrible. He left Snails feeling awful. (And also, he did kind of hold their town hostage several months back, so she's disinclined to give him the benefit of the doubt.) But I'll edit to make that more clear.
4293637
One thing: I thought RainbowDoubleDash had stated the Gala was supposed to be the end of the "GreenGrass arc" . Why did you decide to give the character another (last?) chance?
It seems improbable that any school-aged foals would not know about reproduction:
The ponies do not usually wear clothing. Foals probably would figure out how things fit together.
Mares are pregnant for 11 months which should be obvious to foals since they can see the distended abdomen because most mares do not wear clothes.
Snails keeps arthropods as pets and reads about them. He should know how they reproduce.
I know that Snails is slow in the LunaVerse, but to be this obtuse about pony-reproduction, he would have to be totally nonfunctional, thus the lie about the warranty should not work.
¿What would work?:
Snails knows that he is slower than most other foals. DiamondTiara and SilverSpoon can claim that that RainDrops will but him in an institution for nontrainable/noneducable ponies. We the readers know that he is far too smart for institutionalization and that he will lead a self-sufficient life, but as a pony who knows that he is slow and knows about institutions for ponies who cannot take care of themselves, a fear about institutionalization seems reasonable for him to harbor. Unfortunately, that would ruin the joke in the name of this chapter.
Oh, poor Twilight. Her naivete will probably be the end of her in TWO timelines.......
All I could think of durring Raindrops' speech was "This hoof of mine glows with an awesome power - it tells me to defeat you!"
G-Gundam was weird.
4293865
Technically I said "Night Court" arc; that is, the arc wherein the Night Court and its shennaniganry drives most of the plot. Greengrass was emblematic of the Night Court arc, but he wasn't the entirety of it.
4285442
At least he isn't going to yell "ZOOKEEPER!!! ZOOKEEPER!!!! THOSE MONKEYS ARE KILLING EACH OTHER!!!!!"
That being said, nobody wants him to be warped by TOO early exposure to the facts of life. That way lies referring to one's self in the third person and slamming down bourbon.....
Wow. Another really awesome and character driven chapter! The thing with Twilight? Nice of you to establish that early on. Really clever. Raindrops being badass is pretty awesome, but I have to admit she is kind of a jerk.
At the same time...I'm really digging Max and Posey. He was a noble during the Shaming of the Court, right? What did he do wrong?
Also, liking Greengrass. Surprising, I know but...there it is.
Going without backup against organized crime just is not credible.
4294408 : Talon & Thorn will be addressing that in his story "Climbing the Mountain," which is about Max's time in the Court, so I won't spoil it here. The idea he came up with is really interesting, though, so I'm looking forward to that chapter of the story being published.
It was a lot of fun writing the saga of Raindrops' hoof. I like a good Speech of Awesome every now and then. :-)
Glad you like the characters, including Greengrass.
4294131 : Yeah, G-Gundam was very weird.
4294603 : What would they tell the Guards? Cheerilee had no proof that the place they wanted to raid was a mafia hideout--she just knew it, presumably from her wild youth. That's not enough for a warrantless search. She also had no proof that Duty or Arnaqueur or anypony else was there (or even that they were kidnapped in the first place; the most evidence they have is Arnaqueur's trashed room, and as Armor said, maybe he just threw a party--it's enough to start an investigation, but not enough for immediate raids), so they couldn't cite exigent circumstances. At best, they could have the Guards apply for a warrant, which would take some time and Cheerilee didn't want to wait that long.
4294408
The Climbing the Mountain chapters covering Max's 'corruption' should be up in a month or two. I've hopefully got three chapters to put up in the next week covering Max's first days at court then there the 'corruption' arc.
4295197
Under the circumstances, they should do nothing because they can do nothing:
In order to help somepony, it must be possible to help somepony. Going up against the mafia is suicide. Cheerilee merely commits suide and kills CarrotTop and RainDrops with 0 chance of rescuing DutyNotPaid. It would be like Admiral Kirk trying to rescue Captain Spock in “Star Trek # 2: The Wrath Of Khan”:
Captain Spock is already a Ghost (somepony who already received a a radiationdose of over 30 Grays but not yet clinically dead with 0 chance of survival). The radiationflux in the warpcorechamber, due to the radiotionleak, is at over 1 Gray per minute, so entering the warpcorechamber, even for less than 1 minute incurs significant risk to life and would contaminate Engineering too. All Admiral Kirk could accomplish by trying to rescue Captain Spock is to kill himself too.
It is hard, but sometimes one just cannot help a pony and one would only kill oneself if one would try.
¡Kobayashi Maru!
3 ponies against the mafia is a no-win scenario.
I suppose I should have expected that Twilight getting to visit home was too good to be true, though it seems a little odd that the ponies responsible for her in Ponyville (still Trixie, right?) wouldn't stop her from being illegally lured into Canterlot.
4293637 Oh, I got that, that was just the line that pushed me over the edge into commenting about my general irritation with Raindrops and the rest of the L6.
4296854 : Trixie's still responsible, but I'm not sure what she would have done. There weren't any red flags that would indicate the pass was fraudulent, and while Twilight being able to go home after six months is unusual (as Greengrass thinks), Trixie would probably attribute that to something like, "Her parents are Viceroys and really want to see her so Luna gave her a weekend at home as a favor to them" or something. Or possibly, "Twilight must have shown amazing progress to merit thus... probably thanks to my mentoring."
4296529 : These are the Elements of Harmony. They won't let tough odds convince them to give up on their friends, and Duty is Cheerilee's friend. They'll find a way! :-)
4296854 : Are you referring to other fics? I'm sorry if I sound clueless, but I don't really know what you're referring to re: irritation.
4296965
Yes, but they they are only invincible if all 6 are present with their Elements, Alone (or with only 3 present) without there Elements, they are just ordinary mares. Belief that they are invincible just because they are Elements of Harmony, when not all are present and without their Elements gives them as much protection as homeopathy.
4297029 : They did pretty well against that basilisk at Oaten without their full number. In fact, they've done okay without all 6 in various instances. So I think they'd try to help here.
4297496
Depending on dumb luck is not a very dangerous way to live.
4296969 Yeah, sorry, it's not just this story, it's more of the 'verse as a whole. Certain enemies never seem to get forgiven (here's looking at you, Night Light), and they make broad sweeping assumptions about entire groups of ponies (the nobles in general and Max in particular in this chapter) and make tactical decisions based on those assumptions. It's just... a little irritating to watch.
Well, we seem to be heading for a situation in which this guy finally gets his shot at redemption. If so, he'll be just another Mr Vice Guy in a setting where one
is a principal character.
Well you've got to love a character who keeps throwing himself at his opponents fists until they get all bruised and bloody.
4300187 : Max doesn't have the martial arts training of Raindrops or Cheerilee. But he's got enough tenacity that he can still hold his own pretty well when it comes down to fisticuffs. :-D