As the princess's protégé and one of Ponyville's most well-known and influential ponies, Twilight Sparkle has always enjoyed a comfortable life. Together with her friends she has battled and triumphed over dark ponies, dragons, and mischievous spirits. But what happens when her friends desert her and she finds herself hunted by her very mentor after she is wrongfully accused of an attempt on her life? Will she be able to overcome the desertion of her life-long friends? Will she be able to bear the burden of being an outcast? And more importantly, can she unmask the pony behind these acts before they get away with the Princess's murder? It's a race against time to find the culprit before Twilight herself gets caught and subjected to justice in this suspense and pony filled story!
good so far. a few grammar errors and a little short, but has great potential.
TTrraacckkiinng
Sounds interesting
Okay, I am liking this so far. As a suggestion create a sentence around the pnomatopoeia like "Splish, splosh, splish, splosh the sound of hooves trudging through water echoed across the banks as Twilight ran."
....continue....if only so i can see WHY everyone thinks she was trying to kill the princess....
Oh, dear. Now I have to find out if/how she proves herself innocent! Curses!
Tracking.
193007 Patience, patience we'll get there eventually :)
I like what I see so far.
intriguing...im excited to see how this story turns out...
I'd like to take the time to clear up any misconceptions about the random ponies being introduced in the story: Storm Chaser and Silver Tongue aren't self-inserts, rather they are ponies I made up on the spot as I needed them to help the narrative. The main character for this story is Twilight, and the story will be told from her perspective. But I might add a few more random characters with very limited and minor roles in order to provide a context in which Twilight is regarded as a dangerous criminal rather than the harmless and innocent pony you're all accustomed to.
I'd make the chapters a little longer, but they're quite good so far...
I LOVE IT PLZ PLZ PLZ WRITE MORE.
love it still I feel REALLY bad for Twilight.
194074 Me too. Colt damnit I feel like such a bastard for putting her through this :(
i just read the first chapter its a great story so far i thought celestia
would give twilight a trial unless theres some serious evidence agenst twilight
>>Iron_hooved just so long as the real villan gets caught u dont have to fell like a bastard
unless your gonna make it another way then you cam fell like one 
Step one. Find the prep,
Step two. Prepare a very painful and horrible death/life
Step three. You're forgiven by all for putting her through that
One question though, will the other elements help hunt her down?
196161 I'm pleasantly surprised that you're all really enjoying this story. Never in my wildest dreams did I hope to start out with more than a 2-star rating. And as far as you recommendations go, I've been trying to lengthen the size of each chapter gradually so that they are at least 3000+ words. I will go back and edit previous chapters like you suggested to include indenting. It's my very first fic so I'm still gradually learning as I go along. Hope you continue to like it :)
196201
Come on dude, no need to sell your self short. You already have the makings of an epic with proper spelling and actual use of spacing between the paragraphs. The good story's just an added bonus.
If i find that piece of s@#$
I will chainsaw his/her @$$ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way home!
NO-PONY MESSES WITH MY TWILIGHT
I have a suspect:
And I suspect she will be getting help
196265
My thoughts exactly, including who you think the real criminal is. She is the only canon character I can see having a motive for doing this.
....you have no idea how much i laughed at this, as ive just finished my little dashie, so this is welcome.
This image i thought of when I started reading.
static.pokato.net/2011-04-26-13-00-14326432946.jpg
So much for hoping Twilight becomes an evil overlord of Everfree Forest.
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goes back in "I KNEW IT!!!"
I have no idea what this has to do with anything, but it was funny as hell.
Before this paragraph: "'Cracked, stumped, befuddled, confounded.... She drove every single one of them to insanity. One of them nearly ripped his ears off in a effort to shut out her voice. We found him the next morning, huddled in a corner, mumbling to himself, begging for his mommy,' sentenced the orderly with a grave look." my calculations that it was pinkie were approximately 90% after said paragraph they were 99% and after this one: "'Don't worry. You'll be fine as long as you stick to your instruction' the orderly interrupted him before his imagination could wander off too far. 'Just don't answer her questions, don't talk to her, don't listen to her, don't even look at her, and for Celestia's sake, whatever you do, don't accept any requests she makes or agree to any promises, understood?' he concluded placing emphasis on that last sentence.as they reached an iron door with bars on the window." there was no way it was anypony else
I knew what was coming the second I read the chapter title, and I loved every second of it.
well then.....my OC might be able to help twi...even though there is the entire different dimen....wait... i fergot my OC is like pinkie....can break the 4th wall and interdimensional travel
I'd predicted it was pinkie pie when they were walking to the room, but by the time he had mentioned not making any promises, I was absolutely sure.
Halfway done with the 5th chapter (1504 words in it so far). I hope to upload it soon for everyone's viewing pleasure, in the meantime I can't believe how the story just began unfolding itself into my head. I hope all you guys are prepared for an epic journey, cuz we're just starting baby!
EDIT: it just came to my attention that colts and fillies are young ponies, whereas stallions and mares are old ponies. Gonna have to go back and fix that in each chapter :/
Is it strange if I had a premotion that it would be the psycho pink party pony in the cell?
Ah crap! I'm fresh out of names for military personnel! Can anypony here suggest a few names for privates? (No, not those kind of privates you sick, sick ponies!) You know? Like "Top Brass" and more military related stuff? (not that Top Brass ever sounded like a private's name, as much as it did a General's name, but meh).
There's always "Buttercup".
here's a list of ones i just thought of off the top of my head; Aim High, Thunder Bolt, Sly Watch, Last Line, maybe a few others...
199918 Aim High! That's a really good one! I think I can start writing chapter 6 now....
feel like story is moving a bit slow
199929 I greatly appreciate your feedback and though I don't think that this story could quite live up to the lengths of Tolkien or Rowling's books, I do plan on making it long hence why I'm spending so much time creating the setting. I mean, I have the plot fully developed in my brain and most of the details as well, but I can't just overlook some information and leave stuff unexplained until the last chapter. I know not much is happening right now with so many little things popping up here and there, but they're all part of the narrative. Bear in mind that this is an adventure/suspense/mystery novel and so I can't just take things for granted, or else it will get confusing later on. An example of this are the characters I've created to justify the hypothesis that Twilight is the culprit: the commander and the D.A.
If I were to just tell you who the culprit was and how they did it, then you would find yourself quickly bored with the story. However if I made it easy enough for Twilight to uncover the truth after a day's searching, then it wouldn't be realistic as you would be left wondering why in Equestria didn't everypony realize she was innocent to begin with?! This is a highly dangerous and intelligent criminal we're talking about: they didn't just leave a whole bunch of evidence lying around for everypony to see! Nor is the number one most wanted pony in Equestria going to just waltz into Canterlot wearing a Sherlock Holmes attire and be allowed to investigate to her heart's content. Furthermore she had to have some time for herself in the earlier chapters, seeing how her closest friends abandoned her (hence the name for the story).
If anything I can assure you that the next chapters will be more action packed (starting with the 6th) as right now we're starting to get into the plan that will allow Twilight to behave less like a simple fugitive, and more like a detective pony out to find the truth.
"Both of them stood there for what seemed an eternity, until slowly but surely, the lips of the creature began curving into an obscene smile as she revealed two rows of perfectly even, pearly white teeth. And when she spoke, her shrill singsong voice filling the whole room, every fiber in his very being screamed out in rejection"
media.ign.com/games/image/article/738/738102/gaijin4koma_peersblog_1200684654.jpg
"Oh god this is going to be a straight copy and paste job. Hannibal Lector ponies indeed, what is this cop-out bullshi-"
"Hi there, I'm Pinkie Pie! Who are you?"
i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/000/283/gaijin4koma2_peersblog_1200684608.jpg
It's not moving slow. That was an awesome chapter anyways.
Well, guess I should leave some actual feedback.
What I've noticed is that your Spike is a little borked in this story. I'm having trouble imagining the little guy's voice when I read him saying things like "I wasn't too sure myself when I came up with the idea but it worked out quite nicely" (I would have thought Spike would make some wisecrack at the soldiers expense, what you have seems like something Twilight would say) or "I haven't had a bite all day long" (I can only imagine him simply grumbling to himself that he's starved) or even "The entrance is somewhat narrow" (That's what she said, fnar. But seriously I think that the words are a bit too long, you know. I can't imagine Spike saying "Somewhat Narrow"! He should totally be smug and self-congratulatory, telling Twilight just what a great idea he had, picking a place where nothing built larger than a pony could get in, and how she's lucky to have a smart guy like him to save the day).
As well as this, I think the other great flaw is a large amount of Said Bookism. Ponies thunder and demand and intervene and suggest and avow and inquire and insist and reply and interject, but I can't actually find anybody just saying anything, at least in this chapter. Some of it is also pretty redundant, like this sentence:
"Colt damnit! Now of all times.... I had just found a lead on the fugitive's whereabouts and was just heading over there to capture her!" lied the commander hoping to be spared from yet another long meeting with a couple of infuriating no-good bureaucrats.
We already know he's lying! Also this sentence is a good example of a reason you should try to pick up a certain habit: Show, don't tell. Make the reader imagine how a long meeting with no-good bureaucrats flashes across his mind, his face when he tells the lie, his acidic and annoyed tone of voice, his angry stare. These are all the things I would imagine the guy would be doing but for all I know he could be pulling a great big fat poker face and being all calm and smooth to the messenger.
I'm not going to be a dick about these though, this is (probably) something you do for fun, and like you said; you're not competing with J.R.R Tolkien here. It's an interesting and original premise and I tracked it for that reason. Good show!
200814 That's some pretty constructive feedback you gave me there. I'm going to try to bear all that in mind next chapters, though I might have a problem fighting against Said Bookism. I'll still try my best!
199923 really? that's just my flight motto for the AFROTC guys i hang out with. Glad I could help!
wait ive read all 5 capters and im stll confused is celestia dead or not
201323 She's in a coma as mentioned in chapter two, and hinted to be alive all throughout as it was "an attempt on the Princess' life"
Give me a moment to fetch my sledge hammer from my tool shed......
Wish i could help twilight in this (But its fictional
)
JOKING
But to me, This pony:
is no.2 in my list so NO ONE MESS WITH HER
and story wise, I kind of think that the other five were slightly out of character.
Because, Why were they so easily convinced? I'm sure they had a ton of doubt in their minds.
@insightguy speaking of doubts in your mind, I'm starting to doubt my sanity. I just woke up from the weirdest, bucking dream ever in which I was several people at once: including myself, naruto, a security guard, and a professional Starcraft 2 player. I won't get into any details but I think that dream is the very definition of why crossovers are overrated.
"I'm hoping she doesn't mind us borrowing all these," said Spike, his legs shaking under the weight of all the clothes he'd picked up.
Can't wait for things to really start happening.
ΔΓ
199996
u make logical sense... my head hurts.