• Member Since 30th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen January 19th

Blueshift


T
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Cloudchaser's never believed in sea ponies. They're just silly stories for little fillies. Then when on holiday at the beach, she meets a stranger claiming to be a sea pony transformed by magic to walk on land. Cloudchaser... still doesn't believe in sea ponies. But then again, she's never had the chance to believe in much...

Sometimes, you want the truth. And sometimes, you want something beautiful.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 46 )

First to comment!!

Always, this is great, want me to reread and give a professional review? :)


Also,

derpicdn.net/img/2012/9/24/105662/medium.png

That is all.

Tell me if you want my review!!

4585642

I would never say no to a review!

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Allright, I'll get Inspector Me right on it. See my page to see where you fall in line in the review wait. )

Very nice. I'd like to read more.

Seems good so far, can't wait for the next update :pinkiehappy:

It would seem that sea ponies are basically aliens, which probably isn't too strange of a way to describe them.

>story is in the Transformations group

There you go, that's the whole thing spoiled. Cloudchaser was a ham sandwich all along.

Awesome. You made a much cuter seapony than my recent shipfic for the contest.

Well, this is intriguing. I love the characterization and the story thus far. Poor Cloudchaser...

In any case, looking forward to more.

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It's an apt comparison. We have better maps of the surface of the moon than we do of the ocean floor.

4586104
And Flitter was a plate of chicken cordon bleu. Because that's just Flitter's life. :ajbemused:

Yes...I like dis story...I shall gib this a like and favorite! :derpytongue2:

Cuuuuute. Following immediately. ;3

This would make an excellent romance, but I love as it is so far. Keep up the good work!

Utterly glorious so far. And Cloudi's position -- this can't possibly be happening, but what other explanation is there? -- is one with which I have a considerable amount of familiarity, sometimes to my great befuzzlement.

Story's great. I love it. But, uh...

Don’t worry; I’ll rustle us up a meal! I’m a great cook!

“Okay!” Wavedancer brightened up again with a smile. “What’s ‘cooked’?”

How does Wavedancer know what a cook is, but not what 'cooked' is?

Literary Sins: EVERYTHING WRONG WITH:
The Truth, Or Something Beautiful by Blueshift
Spoilers inbound. Please read the actual story first!

I never liked the ocean.

Opening narration. Ding!

My name is Cloudchaser. I’m the youngest of two, though my sister Flitter only wins the ‘being oldest’ competition by a matter of minutes

Twins classifying themselves as oldest and youngest via minutes that they have no proof of. Probably not a sin but it still pisses me off when twins do that. Ding!

She’s better than me at everything, always has been, whether it be at school, home or work.

One twin overshadows the other cliche Ding! I'm juist waiting for one to turn evil at this point.

He had passed away six months ago, but none of the family had yet had the chance to go down and clear it out.

Wait is this narration still going? I started daydreaming at some point while reading. Ding!

I was already on my way to finding a match to start what, in hindsight, would have been another ‘Cloudchaser special mess-up’

Was she about to set fire to the place? Ding!

I stood outside, shaking my forehoof up at the sky and screaming every swearword known to ponykind as I got absolutely drenched.

We don't get to hear these swearwords. Ding!

, her little pink body completely limp and unmoving, her bright blue mane matted and scattered out all around her.

I know for a fact that im not the only one to imagine firefly at this. Ding!

“Legs, I’ve got legs!”

Legs! Ding!

“Yes, breathing!” She puffed out her cheeks and made a swilling motion, as if tasting a fine wine. “It doesn’t taste of anything, I thought it would! Do you have to do that a lot?”

Am I still reading the same fanfiction, I didnt see a doctor whooves tag. Ding!

“And I can sing, look, ‘shoo-be-doop’!”

Referencing sea ponies from past generation mlp Ding!

She’d probably try and walk right back into the sea, leaving me with just a bit more guilt to rest on my shoulders.

She came here to visit the land, why would she so readily go back into the sea. Ding!

“But there are hills about here, right? Can we catch one and ride on it?

No, we would need a camel for that. Ding!

and is made from coral and diamond and sunbeams and oh wow, is that wood?”

Queen sea pony apparently lives in a castle made of translucent sunbeams. Ding!

This is incredible! It’s wood and it’s dry! You’re so lucky, Cloudchaser, you’re the luckiest pony in all the underworld and overworld to have so much wood! Wow, wood!”

Cloudchaser has wood Ding!

“Huh, where’s the cockle? Is he hiding, naughty cockle! Come out and play!”

Making me attempt to look up the meaning of a word that's banned by my system administrator. Ding!

“Shells don’t have stuff in them on land, that’s not how it works. Sea stuff doesn’t live on land, it dies.

Except, crocodiles...... and turtles..... and frogs...... and catfish. Ding!

After running to the top and rolling down it with her ten, twenty times; my poor burnt wings were screaming in agony, but it felt good.

Cloudchaser is a masochist. Ding!

“The sea’s grey and miserable and cold, Wavedancer. You’re better off in here with me.”

I know that we've established that she doesn't really like the sea, but why does she describe it as gray? Ding!

“The sea doesn’t have a good friend like you.”

Yes it does, it's called the moon, and other sea ponies. Ding!
Current Sin Count: 19 Can't wait for the next chapter.

~~~~~~~~~~No story, Is without Sin~~~~~~~~~~

... Kremzeek? As in that one really weird episode of Transformers, Kremzeek? Really!?

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Absolutely! Gotta keep up the Hasbro cross-sells!

4587904 but that was a lame episode :P

Anyhoo, neat idea. We'll see how it plays out. One little nitpick. Wavedancer says she's a great cook, then asks what "cooked" means :D

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Yeah, I caught that one! Silly Shift!

So this is what you were talking about? Fantastic! I am interested.

Flitter isn’t unskilled. Everyone there looks up to her as the brains of the outfit. She’s a fixer; there’s no job too daunting for my sister. She keeps the storm clouds in check and the ball lightning ticking over. She knows how to do everything by the book, and yet has the most creative solutions to problems that anyone’s ever come across. Meanwhile I sit in her shadow and get everything wrong all the time; our supervisor kept telling me to be more like my sister, if only I could be as clever and imaginative as her.
Again, that’s where the problems started. After months of treatment like that, you start to get resentful. If she could do it, I could do it, that’s what I reasoned. I was being held back because I was never given a fair chance; my sister got all the opportunities and I got nothing. That’s why at the start of the morning shift, I ignored the rota and crept into the storm cloud paddock. I’d decided to arrange that day’s scheduled rain shower all on my own, show them that I had the brains and the wit to handle such a large responsibility, and have my delighted boss promote me when she saw what a wonderful job I’d made of it.

I can see Luna and Sweetie Belle just walking up to Cloudchaser and saying, "Welcome to the 'I-Really-Hate-My-Older-Sister-Sometimes' club.'"

The original setup for this story: the cynical younger sister overshadowed by the elder, being stuck by the sea while wishing to be away at a serious job, the quote "I'm really a seapony", it all reminds me of the short manga "Candy Bullets". It doesn't look like its following the pattern though.
I hope you're not following Candy Bullets because that was one depressing book. If any character starts talking about becoming sea foam or carrying a machete, I'm going to start crying.:fluttercry:
I really enjoyed the story though, keep writing. :twilightsmile:

4588916 Don't worry, I've never heard of that!

This is a lovely read so far. I think all of us have sometimes felt like Cloudchaser, unable to do anything right and overshadowed by people who seem to get everything right. It's easy to sympathize with her.

And Wavedancer's exuberance is a hoot! Whether she's a pony with too much imagination and a bad bump on the head, or a genuine transformed sea pony from Aquestria, I like her. :pinkiesmile:

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If any character starts talking about becoming sea foam

That was what happened in the original story of "The Little Mermaid".

The also killed "The Little Prince".

Children's stories way back were often pretty heart-wrenching. But they were also subtle with their melancholy. :fluttershyouch:

Dear Author,

You have requested I review your writing and I give my professional review and editing on it. Below is the said review, with play by play comments, grammar structure edits, and much more!
NOTE: I am a grammar Nazi, along with a description hag, so if it seems that I pick on these areas the most, it is not personal, purely professional!!
So, without futher ado…
THE REVIEW;

As a filly, we would always go to the seaside – here, actually….

((Where is ‘here’? Where is the seaside?))

It clogs up the feathers in your wings and turns them damp and sodden…

((Good details! Use this time to describe the wings; what sort of feathers does she have? Glossy? Fluffy? How big are the wings compared to body size? Don’t overdo this part, but if you intend to emphasize how much the character hates wet wings/loves flying, it should have some pride in her wings, so without over doing it, describe the wings.))

And the air is my home.

((Good, but why is it her home? After this, maybe have the character reminisce on why/how much she loves the air…short memories on how she first loved to fly, the feeling of the wind in her mane, the air cradling her wings.))

Perhaps no-one will..

((Technical terms says it should be “no-pony.”…))

Perhaps you’re reading this and you know me already. Perhaps you don’t….

((You should put this part a bit earlier, because if you hadn’t noticed, in my own review, I was unsure if she was a filly/colt! Always intro the character name asap, so maybe after the first paragraph, say “oh, by the way, in case you don’t know who I am”…or something. You did place this part appropriately, it just could have been a wee bit earlier.
Also, shortly after this, you introduced Flitter. After describing the main character, you must briefly go into Flitter’s appearance, otherwise it is up for the reader to decide.))

All of them beautiful in their own way, but so dangerous if managed by unskilled hooves.

((This will naturally pique the reader’s interest; how do they make the weather? The best part of being a writer, especially of a fanfic, is you can make this part up all you like. To satisfy the curiousity of readers, briefly describe her job in a little more detail, how she makes the rain, for instance. Is it an ‘abra-cadabra’ thing? Or is it by a machine? And what qualifies as ‘unskilled’ hooves? What is so dangerous? Don’t bother putting those sort of comments about danger and such, if you are not ready to back up why it is so dangerous. Do you see what I mean?))

Meanwhile I sit in her shadow and get everything wrong all the time…

((What does she get wrong? Briefly describe.))

That’s why at the start of the morning shift, I ignored the rota and crept into the storm cloud paddock.

((indent into a new paragraph here! Also, what is a rota? When going into new rooms, you have to describe the room and main objects in there you have chosen to mention.))

…Tartarus broke loose…

((Do the ponies follow Greek mythology??))

((The entire scene with the kremzeeks was not needed. It seemed out of place and random. My best bet was that you were trying to elaborate on how Cloudchaser is a failure or always messes up? If so, when she is talking about how perfect Flitter is, and how she always screws up, put this scene *there.* It will make more sense, and won’t chronologically mess things up. You feel me? That way, it is a better lead into the present, where she is moping by the ocean.))

Flitter dropped me off – of course, there was no way…

((Ah, so after reminiscing about her uncle, she is back in the present? You need a better transition, then, like “Anways, it was Flitter who dropped me off at uncles…”…do you see what I mean? Otherwise, it is jumping around too much, and is confusing for the readers.))

Outside was piled mound upon mound of driftwood…

((try, ‘Outside the cabin, there was a pile of driftweood, mound after mound of the stuff…” to add where it is, and to improve the grammar.))

The wind and rain continued all night. I had expected to be able to make a trip to the nearest shop, but for emergencies I’d brought some canned food.

((Huh? I think what you mean is ‘But since I was unable to travel anywhere due to the weather, I luckily had some canned food, stocked just for emergencies”…?))

As I was me, I’d forgotten to bring…

((Nix that, and replace with “And of course, since I was only myself, I’d forgotten to bring…” and italicize ‘of course’ and ‘myself,’ to add exasperation, since I do believe that is what you were trying to portray.))

I’ve never dealt well with death since, well, I never have.

((Edit to; “I’ve never dealt with death since…well…I actually never have, unless you count my uncles death, which I didn’t actually have to deal with upfront like this.”, or something along those lines to better the sentence.))

I wanted to run away. Of course I did, I’m Cloudchaser, that’s what I do.

((Again, rephrase to; ‘The sight made me want to run away, of course, since that’s what I tend to do in cases like these,” or something.))

Then she leapt up and kissed me full on the mouth.

((Haha, this is great! You have done a good job at developing her character.))

Other times, someone will just say something that’s so obviously wrong that it beggars belief.

((…Huh?? What is beggars belief??))

As I watched Wavedancer eat the seaweed, the contents of my stomach started to enquire as to whether they be allowed to exit my body through the mouth.

((That’s “inquire,”…))

Wavedancer sucked up the last strand of seaweed like a string of spaghetti and looked guilty. “Oh! Sorry! I didn’t realise! We can go inside if you want.”

((That’s “realize”. :) ))

“It’s not cold at all underwater, it’s warm and joyous; we don’t need this fire, the whole ocean is just right. If you want to take a sauna though, you can swim into one of the deep volcanic vents; they pump out really hot water, but you can’t go too deep!”

((Your imagination as far as the underwater world is priceless! Such creativity! I am really enjoying reading about the world you have created, and the parallels to land. Wavedancer’s innocence is golden, and her excitement over every little thing is the best! You have done a great job at remaining consistent with her springy personality, along with Cloud’s dubious nature!! The two have natural opposites that collide, and how they handle each other is a good way to keep the reader invested! Keep this up!!))

OVERALL REVIEW;

Very creative! As I mentioned, the two ‘mane’ (haha, get it?) character’s personalities are good and consistent, and when they interact, it is quite the entertaining read!
A minor note. When she compares herself to Flitter; this seems an on and off subject. You started off with everything revolving around comparing herself to her sister, and then it just…drops. But oh, then you mention it again.
For this principal to remain in the story, and if you want it to have a bigger role, you need to keep this theme consistent. It is a tricky bit, because it can easily be overdone. Find a way to incorporate the comparisons, and to do that, it is good to go into her emotions more….bitter resentment, maybe, as she compares her actions to her sisters. Maybe make a catch phrase, WWFD? For her…(what would Flitter Do) sort of thing. The best way I can see you making it consistent and flow well is play with Cloud’s emotions more, really invest in them.
That is one thing that was lacking throughout the writing; emotion. Dialogue and action was neatly balanced, though you need to add more emotion behind the character’s thoughts and actions.
I love what you did with the creation of the world under the sea; the creativity was fresh and enjoyable to read, and if you continue this book, I hope to see more of it, and what you come up with!!

That is all for my review, it was a good read, keep the writing up!
In return of my services, I ask that you send me a PM, or respond to my review with a rating of my review, ?/5, 5 being wonderful, I cant wait for you to review more of my work, and 0 being, you suck, keep your hooves off peoples writing!

Also, check out my writing, Sisters Forever, when you get the chance.

Hope this helps!

~Inspector Me

Excellent work so far, mate.

She patted her hind-quarters and turned her head to me, staring up with wild, bulging eyes. “Legs, I’ve got legs!”

"And... and, I'm a GIRL this time!" The pony pulled at her mane, "Still not ginger!"

That time when a sea pony was the Doctor. :trollestia:

Us sea ponies live at the bottom of the ocean amongst the tentacles of giant sea anemones.

*naughty thoughs commencing in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

:rainbowwild:

Does Waverdancer have a Cutie Mark? I figure her tail would cover up her flank so she can't have one, or if she did, it would be on her hoof or chest or something.

I hope this one's crazy for less fratricidal reasons than the last. Cheers to a happy ending!

One small tumble (and let’s be fair, I’m good at those) and its end of story.

it's

I just decided to go with the flow and pattered her on the back.

patted? I mean, this might work, but it's an odd word choice.

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you must briefly go into Flitter’s appearance, otherwise it is up for the reader to decide

No it isn't. She's a pre-existing character from the show.
fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/247/0/0/flitter_by_hankofficer-d5dmg3m.png
This is Flitter. Hello, Flitter! Keep stretching those glutes, girl! (Besides, they're identical twins.)

Those "typos" are British spellings, so they're equally correct. If you don't understand a phrase (beggars belief, which means to defy belief), it's best to google it yourself first to see if it's an idiom. And... Tartarus exists in the show. :applejackunsure: Season 2, Feeling Pinkie Keen, Cerberus leaves his post guarding it; Season 4 finale, Tirek escapes it.
Finally, calling the kremzeek scene unnecessary... it's the entire reason she's grounded. She was badly burned by the encounter and she cannot fly while she's recovering, making life in the clouds too difficult for the time being.

I just noticed this was marked incomplete. Intentional?

This is one of the most awesome stories I've ever heard! Your really good at these stories, I'll be looking forward to the next chapter! :pinkiehappy:

I'm eager to see more.

Aquestria. Aquestria. Really now.

Also, why are Sea Ponies a thing? The concept makes sense, but why aren't they called Hippocamps?

Anyway, the story is good.

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That's what they called them in G1!

I really wish that second chapter was here.

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