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Cloudchaser's never believed in sea ponies. They're just silly stories for little fillies. Then when on holiday at the beach, she meets a stranger claiming to be a sea pony transformed by magic to walk on land. Cloudchaser... still doesn't believe in sea ponies. But then again, she's never had the chance to believe in much...
Sometimes, you want the truth. And sometimes, you want something beautiful.
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First to comment!!
Always, this is great, want me to reread and give a professional review? :)
Also,
derpicdn.net/img/2012/9/24/105662/medium.png
That is all.
Tell me if you want my review!!
4585642
I would never say no to a review!
4585648
Allright, I'll get Inspector Me right on it. See my page to see where you fall in line in the review wait. )
Very nice. I'd like to read more.
Very nice
Seems good so far, can't wait for the next update
It would seem that sea ponies are basically aliens, which probably isn't too strange of a way to describe them.
>story is in the Transformations group
There you go, that's the whole thing spoiled. Cloudchaser was a ham sandwich all along.
Awesome. You made a much cuter seapony than my recent shipfic for the contest.
Hm….
Well, this is intriguing. I love the characterization and the story thus far. Poor Cloudchaser...
In any case, looking forward to more.
4585871
It's an apt comparison. We have better maps of the surface of the moon than we do of the ocean floor.
4586104
And Flitter was a plate of chicken cordon bleu. Because that's just Flitter's life.
Yes...I like dis story...I shall gib this a like and favorite!
Cuuuuute. Following immediately. ;3
This would make an excellent romance, but I love as it is so far. Keep up the good work!
Utterly glorious so far. And Cloudi's position -- this can't possibly be happening, but what other explanation is there? -- is one with which I have a considerable amount of familiarity, sometimes to my great befuzzlement.
Story's great. I love it. But, uh...
How does Wavedancer know what a cook is, but not what 'cooked' is?
Literary Sins: EVERYTHING WRONG WITH:
The Truth, Or Something Beautiful by Blueshift
Spoilers inbound. Please read the actual story first!
Opening narration. Ding!
Twins classifying themselves as oldest and youngest via minutes that they have no proof of. Probably not a sin but it still pisses me off when twins do that. Ding!
One twin overshadows the other cliche Ding! I'm juist waiting for one to turn evil at this point.
Wait is this narration still going? I started daydreaming at some point while reading. Ding!
Was she about to set fire to the place? Ding!
We don't get to hear these swearwords. Ding!
I know for a fact that im not the only one to imagine firefly at this. Ding!
Legs! Ding!
Am I still reading the same fanfiction, I didnt see a doctor whooves tag. Ding!
Referencing sea ponies from past generation mlp Ding!
She came here to visit the land, why would she so readily go back into the sea. Ding!
No, we would need a camel for that. Ding!
Queen sea pony apparently lives in a castle made of translucent sunbeams. Ding!
Cloudchaser has wood Ding!
Making me attempt to look up the meaning of a word that's banned by my system administrator. Ding!
Except, crocodiles...... and turtles..... and frogs...... and catfish. Ding!
Cloudchaser is a masochist. Ding!
I know that we've established that she doesn't really like the sea, but why does she describe it as gray? Ding!
Yes it does, it's called the moon, and other sea ponies. Ding!
Current Sin Count: 19 Can't wait for the next chapter.
~~~~~~~~~~No story, Is without Sin~~~~~~~~~~
... Kremzeek? As in that one really weird episode of Transformers, Kremzeek? Really!?
4587847
Absolutely! Gotta keep up the Hasbro cross-sells!
4586873
Oops, good catch!
4587904 but that was a lame episode :P
Anyhoo, neat idea. We'll see how it plays out. One little nitpick. Wavedancer says she's a great cook, then asks what "cooked" means :D
4587920
Yeah, I caught that one! Silly Shift!
Oh hey it's my favorite shirt.
So this is what you were talking about? Fantastic! I am interested.
I can see Luna and Sweetie Belle just walking up to Cloudchaser and saying, "Welcome to the 'I-Really-Hate-My-Older-Sister-Sometimes' club.'"
The original setup for this story: the cynical younger sister overshadowed by the elder, being stuck by the sea while wishing to be away at a serious job, the quote "I'm really a seapony", it all reminds me of the short manga "Candy Bullets". It doesn't look like its following the pattern though.
I hope you're not following Candy Bullets because that was one depressing book. If any character starts talking about becoming sea foam or carrying a machete, I'm going to start crying.
I really enjoyed the story though, keep writing.
4588916 Don't worry, I've never heard of that!
This is a lovely read so far. I think all of us have sometimes felt like Cloudchaser, unable to do anything right and overshadowed by people who seem to get everything right. It's easy to sympathize with her.
And Wavedancer's exuberance is a hoot! Whether she's a pony with too much imagination and a bad bump on the head, or a genuine transformed sea pony from Aquestria, I like her.
4588916
That was what happened in the original story of "The Little Mermaid".
The also killed "The Little Prince".
Children's stories way back were often pretty heart-wrenching. But they were also subtle with their melancholy.
Dear Author,
You have requested I review your writing and I give my professional review and editing on it. Below is the said review, with play by play comments, grammar structure edits, and much more!
NOTE: I am a grammar Nazi, along with a description hag, so if it seems that I pick on these areas the most, it is not personal, purely professional!!
So, without futher ado…
THE REVIEW;
((Where is ‘here’? Where is the seaside?))
((Good details! Use this time to describe the wings; what sort of feathers does she have? Glossy? Fluffy? How big are the wings compared to body size? Don’t overdo this part, but if you intend to emphasize how much the character hates wet wings/loves flying, it should have some pride in her wings, so without over doing it, describe the wings.))
((Good, but why is it her home? After this, maybe have the character reminisce on why/how much she loves the air…short memories on how she first loved to fly, the feeling of the wind in her mane, the air cradling her wings.))
((Technical terms says it should be “no-pony.”…))
((You should put this part a bit earlier, because if you hadn’t noticed, in my own review, I was unsure if she was a filly/colt! Always intro the character name asap, so maybe after the first paragraph, say “oh, by the way, in case you don’t know who I am”…or something. You did place this part appropriately, it just could have been a wee bit earlier.
Also, shortly after this, you introduced Flitter. After describing the main character, you must briefly go into Flitter’s appearance, otherwise it is up for the reader to decide.))
((This will naturally pique the reader’s interest; how do they make the weather? The best part of being a writer, especially of a fanfic, is you can make this part up all you like. To satisfy the curiousity of readers, briefly describe her job in a little more detail, how she makes the rain, for instance. Is it an ‘abra-cadabra’ thing? Or is it by a machine? And what qualifies as ‘unskilled’ hooves? What is so dangerous? Don’t bother putting those sort of comments about danger and such, if you are not ready to back up why it is so dangerous. Do you see what I mean?))
((What does she get wrong? Briefly describe.))
((indent into a new paragraph here! Also, what is a rota? When going into new rooms, you have to describe the room and main objects in there you have chosen to mention.))
((Do the ponies follow Greek mythology??))
((The entire scene with the kremzeeks was not needed. It seemed out of place and random. My best bet was that you were trying to elaborate on how Cloudchaser is a failure or always messes up? If so, when she is talking about how perfect Flitter is, and how she always screws up, put this scene *there.* It will make more sense, and won’t chronologically mess things up. You feel me? That way, it is a better lead into the present, where she is moping by the ocean.))
((Ah, so after reminiscing about her uncle, she is back in the present? You need a better transition, then, like “Anways, it was Flitter who dropped me off at uncles…”…do you see what I mean? Otherwise, it is jumping around too much, and is confusing for the readers.))
((try, ‘Outside the cabin, there was a pile of driftweood, mound after mound of the stuff…” to add where it is, and to improve the grammar.))
((Huh? I think what you mean is ‘But since I was unable to travel anywhere due to the weather, I luckily had some canned food, stocked just for emergencies”…?))
((Nix that, and replace with “And of course, since I was only myself, I’d forgotten to bring…” and italicize ‘of course’ and ‘myself,’ to add exasperation, since I do believe that is what you were trying to portray.))
((Edit to; “I’ve never dealt with death since…well…I actually never have, unless you count my uncles death, which I didn’t actually have to deal with upfront like this.”, or something along those lines to better the sentence.))
((Again, rephrase to; ‘The sight made me want to run away, of course, since that’s what I tend to do in cases like these,” or something.))
((Haha, this is great! You have done a good job at developing her character.))
((…Huh?? What is beggars belief??))
((That’s “inquire,”…))
((That’s “realize”. :) ))
((Your imagination as far as the underwater world is priceless! Such creativity! I am really enjoying reading about the world you have created, and the parallels to land. Wavedancer’s innocence is golden, and her excitement over every little thing is the best! You have done a great job at remaining consistent with her springy personality, along with Cloud’s dubious nature!! The two have natural opposites that collide, and how they handle each other is a good way to keep the reader invested! Keep this up!!))
OVERALL REVIEW;
Very creative! As I mentioned, the two ‘mane’ (haha, get it?) character’s personalities are good and consistent, and when they interact, it is quite the entertaining read!
A minor note. When she compares herself to Flitter; this seems an on and off subject. You started off with everything revolving around comparing herself to her sister, and then it just…drops. But oh, then you mention it again.
For this principal to remain in the story, and if you want it to have a bigger role, you need to keep this theme consistent. It is a tricky bit, because it can easily be overdone. Find a way to incorporate the comparisons, and to do that, it is good to go into her emotions more….bitter resentment, maybe, as she compares her actions to her sisters. Maybe make a catch phrase, WWFD? For her…(what would Flitter Do) sort of thing. The best way I can see you making it consistent and flow well is play with Cloud’s emotions more, really invest in them.
That is one thing that was lacking throughout the writing; emotion. Dialogue and action was neatly balanced, though you need to add more emotion behind the character’s thoughts and actions.
I love what you did with the creation of the world under the sea; the creativity was fresh and enjoyable to read, and if you continue this book, I hope to see more of it, and what you come up with!!
That is all for my review, it was a good read, keep the writing up!
In return of my services, I ask that you send me a PM, or respond to my review with a rating of my review, ?/5, 5 being wonderful, I cant wait for you to review more of my work, and 0 being, you suck, keep your hooves off peoples writing!
Also, check out my writing, Sisters Forever, when you get the chance.
Hope this helps!
~Inspector Me
Excellent work so far, mate.
"And... and, I'm a GIRL this time!" The pony pulled at her mane, "Still not ginger!"
That time when a sea pony was the Doctor.
*naughty thoughs commencing in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
Does Waverdancer have a Cutie Mark? I figure her tail would cover up her flank so she can't have one, or if she did, it would be on her hoof or chest or something.
I hope this one's crazy for less fratricidal reasons than the last. Cheers to a happy ending!
it's
patted? I mean, this might work, but it's an odd word choice.
4591061
No it isn't. She's a pre-existing character from the show.
fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/247/0/0/flitter_by_hankofficer-d5dmg3m.png
This is Flitter. Hello, Flitter! Keep stretching those glutes, girl! (Besides, they're identical twins.)
Those "typos" are British spellings, so they're equally correct. If you don't understand a phrase (beggars belief, which means to defy belief), it's best to google it yourself first to see if it's an idiom. And... Tartarus exists in the show.
Season 2, Feeling Pinkie Keen, Cerberus leaves his post guarding it; Season 4 finale, Tirek escapes it.
Finally, calling the kremzeek scene unnecessary... it's the entire reason she's grounded. She was badly burned by the encounter and she cannot fly while she's recovering, making life in the clouds too difficult for the time being.
Beautiful story, Bloo.
I just noticed this was marked incomplete. Intentional?
4626445 Yup!
Awwww.
This is one of the most awesome stories I've ever heard! Your really good at these stories, I'll be looking forward to the next chapter!
I'm eager to see more.
Aquestria. Aquestria. Really now.
Also, why are Sea Ponies a thing? The concept makes sense, but why aren't they called Hippocamps?
Anyway, the story is good.
5920392
That's what they called them in G1!
5927264
Huh. Neat.
I miss this story!
I really wish that second chapter was here.