• Member Since 24th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Mar 27th, 2018

Twilight-the-Pony


If I had a cent for every headdesk... I'd still be poor.

E
Source

Twilight Sparkle. Pardon; Princess Twilight Sparkle cheated in her first flight.

Now she wants to learn how to use wings and in the process, something... Unexpected is bound to happen...

Edited by the amazing Echriedz
Temporary picture by the incredible Pimmy

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 78 )

I have been growing more and more fond of TwiDash stories recently. I can't wait to give this a read.

What a beautiful story. It never was rushed or too obvious what would happen in the next part of the story. The small gags didn't killed the moment or atmosphere, since they we're good placed and kind of belong to a TwiDash Story if you ask me.:duck:

I am not the biggest TwiDash fan, but you made the relationship believable and kind of cute.
I really like it. :heart:

Still fun to read after the 4th or 5th time :derpytongue2:

I think you coulda fleshed it out for another in story day. But still good nonetheless

I'd say that this isn't too bad. The only thing is how abrupt the ending was. Still good nonetheless, just could have been longer.

2671749

That's because TwiDash is best.

~Skeeter The Lurker

This was good and cute and made my heart happy! The feels! So happy! :heart: Anyway, I like it just being this the way it is. I think it was perfectly paced and perfectly ended. Sometimes things don't need to be more that a one-shot idealized storyline and that is what makes them good :twilightsmile: I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Thank you!

Great, and cute :twilightsmile::rainbowkiss:

I know this has more than 6000 words, but it feel short, I know that this is complete, but perhaps a second chapter? :pinkiehappy:

2672965

I find the fact that it has only that many to be a plus, myself.

Granted, you could probably stretch it out, but then it'd feel forced. Not only that but a second chapter is unneeded. This is perfect as a oneshot.

~Skeeter TL

2673176
On second thought, i agree with you. :pinkiehappy:

But >6000 words never seemed so short, I realy enjoy this. :twilightsmile:

2673367

First time someone actually agreed with me. Thank you.

~Skeeter TL

DAMN IT STORY, I'M NOT INTO TWIDASH :raritydespair:

Really good though. Maybe continue it some way? :twilightsheepish:

I know this was a story about Twilight and Dash getting together, but it's a little disappointing that we don't see any payoff from Twilight's training. Personally I'd have liked the story to continue at least to the point where Twilight can fly a little.

Such a shame this had to be TwiDash. Flutterdash teaching Twilight to fly would be much more fun...

Rainbow Dash was alone in her spacious castle room, reading the latest Daring Do book entitled Daring Do and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, visibly grimacing over the deteriorating storyline ‘I hope this doesn’t become a movie. Aliens? Really?’

Amen brudda, amen

Also,

“I-I don’t want to mess with Rarity’s clothing, Rainbow.... Why don’t you ask her—”

:twilightangry2: That goddamn sentence...

The story was pretty good, but I also feel like the ending was too abrupt. It was building up nicely and everything was clicking into place, but then you jumped the gun and brought things to a climatic ending way too fast. I also feel like the Grammar needs some work, especially towards the end when it became somewhat distracting trying to figure out what you meant, and correcting it in my mind.
But, those are just minor problems. Overall I thought it was a very heartwarming and sweet story.

I’m sorry but the beginning killed this Story for me,
i already dislike the 'who is me, i will outlive my friends'-trope, but at last i can see where they come from.
But RD pitying Twi because of it? really?:facehoof:

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I may or may not have about 600 words written towards the continuation of the story... Not as next chapter but as a separate story...

...
...

Did I just typed that out loud? Ponyfeathers.

*runs*

2674461

But RD pitying Twi because of it? really?

That's perfectly rational behavior.

2674574
maybe it is, but i don't buy it, sry

2674574

I'm afraid I have to agree with Yobikir on this one. You know who else has to deal with outliving somepony? Everypony. Every living person on that world or this eventually has to deal with losing someone they care about. Immediately jumping to the "O woe is me! For I am cursed, cursed to live forever!" bit is just hammy. Where's my fainting couch? :raritydespair:

Ahem...Well...that was...Uh...I ....:facehoof:

Good story. Yeah. That's a good way to put it...

2675057 Does the average person outlive thousands of close friends and lovers? I don't remember hearing about that. I don't think us outliving a couple handfuls of people is the same as an immortal outliving everyone they will ever know.

All I can think of when I read the title...

It was very enjoyable, but I just can't shake the feeling that it was too quickly paced. A billion things needed to slip by that a good lot of them didn't feel like they were sufficiently fleshed out. It reads a little more like an in depth outline to the story, something that should have been done over multiple chapters. Don't get me wrong, pace is a hard thing to get right, and it's something that comes with experience, so keep at it, and you'll get better with more practice!

While the story concept is sound and your writing skills in general are good, this story suffered from very, very poor pacing in regards to the main focus: the romance. Given this is a shipfic and their growing relationship is the center of this entire story, one would expect that a lot more work would've gone into fleshing their budding relationship out more. Instead, the whole thing felt really awkward and rushed. Like, Warp Factor Six kind of rushed.

Rainbow's sudden realization that she thought Twilight was attractive came completely out of nowhere, and felt more like it was just a sentence tacked on to the end of that section of the story. There was no build-up, no having her feelings start to build and her not really being able to understand it because she believes she isn't into mares. Not once were either of them feeling awkward around each other, just....nothing happened between them that didn't feel like a quick bullet point alongside the rest of the story, and if Twilight learning how to fly was supposed to be the focus of the story, it fell short in that department as well because by the end she hadn't even gotten herself off the ground!

You could really benefit from giving this a multi-chapter re-write. Add more to it, explore how they feel about one another as time goes on and as the training drags on between them. Throw in small hints about what they might be thinking or feeling, make the whole relationship feel a lot more natural! Not to mention the story takes place mainly in Canterlot Castle, so by extending the story, you could include more characters, such as Celestia and Luna, Shining Armor, Cadance, maybe even make up some guards to focus on that are assigned as Twilight's new personal bodyguards or something, if you want to throw some OCs in the mix.

So, yeah. It's an awesome idea, and you've got damn good spelling and grammar and punctuation going for you, but the execution of this growing romance? Nnneh, it would definitely benefit from several chapters so you have way more space to flesh the whole thing out. I recommend a re-write, personally.

2675610

Honestly, I think it is the same. When someone close to you passes on, it's a fresh pain every time. And you mourn for a while, and then move on with your life. None of that really changes for having been there before. It's just a part of life.

Maybe it is tragic, but it's a tragedy we all share in common. And we shouldn't regret having lived, regret getting to know people well enough to one day miss them, or weep for the ones we will one day lose.

For all their years, an immortal lives their days just like the rest of us - one at a time.

uhm.....what did just happend? :rainbowderp:

Bit fast, but good nonetheless.

D'awww... :twilightsmile:

Really cute story, but there are a lot of problems with it. Aside from what others have mentioned, I felt that the dialogue was very wooden, and didn't feel natural at all. A few parts felt really out of place, and I had a bit of trouble getting into the story at first. There are a LOT of errors, as well.

Why did you decide to end the story with the kiss? There's so much more to be said, and it's just cut short.

2671749 Sweet Celestia, I've ran into you as much as I've encountered Regidar!

2676124

This reminds me of the "I'm 11 and what is this?" comments. :rainbowlaugh:

widely-grinning mouths.

Wait... Twilight, when did you get another mouth?

2677010
I've been around on this site. I guess my obsessive reading is beginning to catch up with me.

2677173

Wait... Twilight, when did you get another mouth?

Erm... Would you believe mutation?

No? Ponyfeathers.

Apparently this slipped trough me and my editor somehow...:twilightblush:

“Too bad I’m not into mares...” hmm Rainbow, plenty of people would be sad if you weren't.:rainbowkiss::heart::twilightblush: :rainbowkiss::heart::trixieshiftright:

Okay I have read your story and found it to very good in all things. I can't see why people think things were moving too fast in the story because if you use your imagination to fill in the back story before this to full fill a Twilight/ Rainbow Dash shipping then it would be perfect. Sometimes I think open ended and beginning stories are the best allowing the reader to decide how things were before and what might happen after. Also this leaves it open for others to write what happened before or after this story AKA " Seed Story ". This story could be expanded into a series so easily but it looks like no one appreciates this type of story.:facehoof: Stories that tell everything are just boring considering there is no room for the reader to involve themselves other than simple reading with no input of their own.

I think this is a great story letting me think of what their relationship was before this event and what I think they would do after...This story could inspire others to write more from this but they want a full detailed story and not to fill in gaps which in my opinion is sad for the lack of imagination in others. I would like to write more on this maybe before the event or maybe after but my writing skills are horrid and my typing is just as bad so I doubt I could.

As for the immortal part of the story, It is possible that Dash was concerned for her being hurt by the passing of her friends because Dash is the Element of Loyalty and her being there for Twilight when she would be hurting from losing them or herself would have not been possible. It would cause Dash to know that she was going to fail in being there for Twilight when she was hurting and that goes against her Element. This alone would eat at her, knowing no matter how bad she wanted be there in the end she could not be. This would be the reason for her sadness.

2675878

I recommend a re-write, personally.

Twilight tried to find an argument against that, but every try ended up with failure.

This was my exact reaction.

See; not many comments manage to make me read and re-read them at least 5 times and make me think about it for at least 2 hours after that.

Yes, there will be a rewrite, since a lot of what you've proposed is true.

Rainbow's sudden realization that she thought Twilight was attractive came completely out of nowhere, and felt more like it was just a sentence tacked on to the end of that section of the story.

This would be my main argument point. Emphasis on would. Here is why: I've spread the hints of "I like her" throughout the story, but never pointed any more proper... Affections towards each other. There were few other things that I was nudged at in the comment section, that managed to slip by me and my editor.

So, yeah. There will be a rewrite. Soon-ish. This will be expanded by necessities and a continuation will be integrated in it. That's all I can say so far.

2677370

As for the immortal part of the story, It is possible that Dash was concerned for her being hurt by the passing of her friends because Dash is the Element of Loyalty and her being there for Twilight when she would be hurting from losing them or herself would have not been possible. It would cause Dash to know that she was going to fail in being there for Twilight when she was hurting and that goes against her Element. This alone would eat at her, knowing no matter how bad she wanted be there in the end she could not be. This would be the reason for her sadness.

*rimshot*

:twilightoops::facehoof::fluttercry::ajsleepy::applecry::fluttershyouch::fluttershysad::facehoof: how do I read? looks interesting but I do not know how to read, do not even know how to use the Dialy Equestria, I'm a bronie not know how to use Dialy Equestria! buáááá! :fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry:

Its a good story and gave me quite a bit of feels here and there, but I feel like some of the grammatical errors didn't let this story shine its brightest. Pacing in some places were good others were not so..

"Two ponies got lost in the conversation about mostly mundane topics; food, drinks, books, wings, and flying, passing their time as they’ve walked back to the castle."

I was really confused reading this part at first. This (to me) seemed like the only part that was rushed to much. Yes there is detail about their walk home, but I think it would have been better if we were able to hear part of the conversation.

but still an over all a very cute story:heart:

Not to be nitpicky, but comma errors annoy me :twilightsheepish:...

Pinkie said, that you wanted me to become a princess as well!

Nix comma for indirect statement.

History of Equestria: Volume four clearly states, that there were only two princesses that managed to live incredibly long

same deal

you really think, that I could forget any of you

again, nix comma.

I could have sworn, that I’ve seen

I could have sworn that I've seen this error before :rainbowlaugh:

You popped into my room high on coffee and no sleep just so you could tell me, that you managed to figure out how your wings work and then collapsed.

Same thing. As a general rule, you should almost never have a comma before the word "that"

Keep it going though, I love the story! :twilightsmile:

A few scattered errors, but an otherwise interesting read.

2675715
I was singing this song randomly for reasons that had nothing to do with the story. Then I saw this comment. lol :rainbowlaugh:

Normally I hate TwiDash, but this is really good. Nicely done, good sir.

Wasn't that just a "D'aww" story? :twilightsmile:
...
Answer is yes. Yes, it was.

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