• Member Since 19th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen Last Friday

The DJ Rainbow Dash


Stuck somewhere between writing funny and sad horsewords. Don't forget to add romance in there!

E

A bout of sickness causes a rainbow maned pegasus to wander over to a friend's place late at night. However, the instant cure she is looking for doesn't exactly exist, and the condition has caused her to rethink a lot of things.

However, could a long term remedy be created between the two under the beautiful starry sky?

Featured!

Cover art is an image by ~lostzilla, which can be found on deviantart.

Proofreading done by fellow author Sparkbrony

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 58 )

A good TwiDash story! Bravo! The occasional block in your sentence structure, but that's nothing an asute reader can't sort out in their own head.

Great story, very well written, fav and upvote.
:twilightsmile::heart::rainbowkiss:
i.imgur.com/OL1DowU.png :heart:i.imgur.com/DN4kI.png

2767260 Thanks! And most of my stuff is TwiDash based, their my favorite ship by far.

2768224 Thank you :twilightsmile:

2768385 TwiDash is actually what made me love Fimfiction in the first place. From TwiDash I've found tragedy, happiness, sorrow, anger, frustration, and heartbreak.

The writers who participate in this group are among the best on the site. I am working on my own contribution, and I can only hope that it is even HALF as good as the stories I have found on here.

2768400 I've read so many good ones where it motivated me to start writing again, since I had stopped for awhile.

And don't fret over comparing it to other stories. Just give it your best shot. I'll be happy to read it once it's finished. :twilightsmile:

This is a great read :twilightsmile: It really resembles how I had a lovelife :rainbowlaugh: just a sudden kiss, aaaaaaand...then stuff happened :pinkiecrazy:

Putting that aside, I really liked this TwiDash story, keep up the great work :pinkiehappy:

2768495 Definitely isn't like my love life :rainbowlaugh: Glad you liked it. :twilightsmile:

You jumped point of view a lot in this story. It should have been only Rainbow's POV. Otherwise, this was good. A bit cliched and full of LUS, but good.

Edit: If you submit the draft as it is, EqD will basically hit you with everything I just said regardless of which pre-reader you get. I strongly recommend having this looked over by someone before submission. This isn't my guess of what will happen, this is what will happen, and it will be a wasted strike on this story. (Three strikes and you can no longer submit.)

Simply, amazing.

2768587 Well I had it proofread already, and said guy didn't mention that as a problem. The thing with it now, it that I'd have to overhaul the story and take out a bunch of it, since Twilight's side of the story is also pretty important. I mean the general POV stays the same most of the time, and will only change when in the POV of said character (ex: Dash 3rd person, then 1st, then 3rd). Is it too confusing to read as is?

Also, about the LUS thing, which I did read about from the site, is there too much of it. I mean I lessened it a lot, and really only used the same phrases rather than make a ton of different ones.

2768609 Thanks!

Brilliant Story! Loved it. Faved and Upvoted. Gunna Follow coz you're an amazing writer. Need Moar.

When I read the title, I couldn't help but think about this:

Anyways, this was an excellent read. :twilightsmile:

2768672

The thing about EqD is, they tend not to care about the story itself. They just want something with absolutely perfect writing. I have had strikes placed on something for having just one accidental LUS.

The POV issue is huge and it is one they hate. This will be the main thing they talk about. I know you say it's intended, but that doesn't mean they aren't going to boot this because of it.

2769224 Thank you! Appreciated :twilightsmile:

2769503 Interesting, I'll have to listen to that later

2769869 If I did quote him, it was entirely without knowing that was a movie line, since I never heard of the movie in my life. Cool though! :pinkiesmile:

2768823 So if I just stayed in 3rd person for the whole story, it would be okay?

2770033 If they're like that, then I guess I'll already have a strike. I submitted it yesterday not too long after uploading the story here. In retrospect, I should have waited longer.

I mean at least I know what the main problems are now.

What can I say? Good story? Nha, too continent. What about great story, can't wait for more? Nha, to complex. I know, how about, I realy like your story? No, no, no, too formal. Hmm, what write, what to write? I know! Excellent story about first love! Hope you can get more crusual story up and coming in the future.

I'll read it if I have 30 minutes to spend.

Firstly, I love it. I love it because it seemed natural. I've read plenty of ship fics, and plenty of Twi-Dash, and this one just seemed to flow, not really forced at all. Second, it was really sweet. :twilightsmile:

Well, glad this was received so well. :twilightsmile: Again, great story, keep it up!

2768408 i have a stupid question. I'm new to this site, and i was wondering how you get those pony emotocons. They're 20% cooler than boring, old regular emotocons.

Can anyone tell me how? It's bugging me that i don't have them.

2771453
They are on the side of were you type your comment. You just click one.

By the way, this is an amazing story! :twilightsmile: :rainbowkiss:

I usually don't reply to stories, but found this one very beautiful.
Well done!

The Lover's Staff?

In astrology, that is the commonly used phrase to describe the love between a Leo and a Capricorn, the Staff of Beasts (Leo) and the melancholic lover that is said to be a Capricorn. Close... I would think that Dash is an Aries and Twi is a Virgo. No, astrology is not for eggheads. :unsuresweetie:

Don't know if that was intentional or if it was a real big coincidence.

Anyway, this story is fabulous! I have received feels. Many good ole' feels. I am filled with gusta. An very enjoyable read c:

2772403 UFCOURSE Astrology is not for eggheads! Im not an- oh... I am an egghead xD i read like a full bookshelf each day! :rainbowlaugh::twilightsheepish:
But, astrology is so facinating! I know how to explain everything about stars to how the universe is expanding! The speed of light, matter and much more! And im glad to tell you that tis a lie! There is a constalation called something like... L-12-blahblah.... idk. They haven't given it a proper name... its letters and numbers. Thats what i know. And that is the "Gods'' you r talkin' 'bout. :ajbemused: and they show.... wait for it.... FREINDSHIP.

2772514

YA'LL ARE PRETTY ECCENTRIC.

No, tis not a lie, fgt. Of course, The Lover's Staff isn't the official name for that relationship, but it is commonly referred to in less formal books, websites and amongst the astrological community in general.

2770848 I know! I'm really pleased :twilightsmile:

2770211 Hopefully all my stories will be as good as this one. I'll try my best :twilightsheepish:

2770282 Is it too long? :rainbowhuh:

2770439 Natural is what I was going for, so good to hear you think that :twilightsmile:

2771679 Thank you!

2772122 Highly appreciated! Thanks :pinkiesmile:

2772403 I made that up entirely, so I guess just a coincidence. I didn't know that term actually existed :rainbowwild:

2772729

Yeah...

I'll do a reading of it

Keep writing like this and I will... lick your fingers... so hard.:moustache:

2772687 No need to get all angry and call people things.
You just need to relize that everything is not true cuz its something a community brings.
I should stop rhyming... like... really...:unsuresweetie:
I was just tellin' ya what i know. And what NASA And the ancient Mayans knew. Not something that a little weirdo could have made up and then spread it across A whole community. Thats a reason to why i dont join the astrology communitys. One little kid could ruin out knowledge. So.... [youtube=http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VKKkNHw91cM]

T weather "The weather"

and you called Twilight an it somewhere in there too.

SO!! AWESOME!!! Well done, and I am glad this came out.

2772857

Eccentric? An insult? Pfft, please. Nothing wrong with eccentricity. A person of unconventional behavior or views is the sort of person that we need in society. Ya'll took it the wrong way.

Cute story, but felt a bit forced. It didn't read as a story being told, but as a story being written.

Eugh, how can I phrase that better?

Look, it was good, solid, but it wasn't great because, and I cannot stress this enough, it felt forced. It felt like you were writing very self consciously, as if constantly thinking to yourself "What would a better writer do?" as opposed to just writing what felt natural to you, and so it sort of felt...

Well, really, just work on how natural your writing flows. Don't think so hard about each sentence. I know that can be absolute sacriledge to hear but your problem, right now, is that you're letting yourself get in the way of your ideas. Use fewer words, simpler words, show don't tell, and just... Have fun with it. Don't make this more work than it needs to be.

Please leave me comments! =D
... please?

As much I want to say no, I have to leave a comment to reply, thus defeating the purpose. So, sadly, fine.:trollestia:

first off: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww :heart:

secondly: I noticed a three mistakes where words seemed left out.. but I cant remember where they were. :facehoof:

2772782 Um... thank you! I guess it is finger lickin good. :rainbowlaugh:

2773657 I fixed that one error, am currently looking for the other. Thanks for noticing!

2776304 Thanks for the feedback. I was trying to not make it feel forced, and most said that it wasn't. I can understand what you mean about the writing though, and I'm working on improving how I do write, and making it flow more smoothly. Sometimes I try to use a lot of synonyms when I don't need them, I get in my head that different complex words sound better, when in actuality I don't really need them. :twilightsheepish:

2776682 LOL well a comment is a comment :twilightsheepish:

2776968 Thank you! And yes, I'm looking for them :twilightsmile:

is there going to be a sequel story to this? i'm dying to know!

Damn, that was a good one. Why haven't I bothered with this yet?

Anyway, I loved it, it was smoothy paced and well written.

~Skeeter The Lurker

Dayum... One of the most heartfelt pieces I read here... I hope you have more like that up your sleeve!:rainbowkiss:

2778689 I'll think about it... :raritywink:

2780148 Thank you! :twilightsmile:

2801413 I will certainly try, keep on watch :twilightblush:

that was good

I feel conflicted. As an avid fan of the TwiDash shipping, I absolutely loved this story. :rainbowkiss: It blew my mind. However, there was a severe torrent of improper grammar usage. :fluttercry: Sentence structuring wasn't exactly the greatest. Your spelling, save for a very few places, was excellent.

All in all, It was definitely an amazing story, on an astronomical scale. :pinkiehappy: Try working on your grammar a tad bit more though.

Wow. People actually disliked this? Some people need a good rap around the noggin if you ask me... Wonderful!

It's really well-written, sweet and the development is smooth !

A perfect TwiDash romance in my opinion, keep it up :twilightsmile:

Very, very good story.

Nice pace, great setting, characterization... awesome.

Now, while I was reading, I had noticed a few small errors. Stuff like:

To say it was strange to be in such an intimate an encounter with somepony she considered her best friend was true,

But those violet eyes of hers made Rainbow's heart do backflips inside her chest

Little things like that.

There was one bit where the wording seemed a little awkward, as well.

She knew that Twilight would almost definitely give her a chance if she was the one asking to be Rainbow’s marefriend, so the least the unicorn could do was return the favor.

If this is Twilight thinking about asking to be Rainbow's marefriend, then shouldn't it be: "Rainbow would almost definitely give her a chance"?

All in all, this story isn't perfect, but it is still fantastic. The first person/third person perspective switches were a bit jolty and jumpy as well, but the plot, the story, the underlying theme was well-written, mostly original and quite saddeningly fluffy. (saddeningly, it's a word now.)

I like it.

Attention everyone! This is a pointless comment. This is the type of comment I leave when people write a story and ask me to leave a comment when I have nothing to say. I'm going to throw in a few pony faces to make this look good. :rainbowlaugh: Are you seriously still reading this? :pinkiegasp: I literally told you it was pointless in the second sentence. Very well for reading this far I'll give you a task. Reply to me with this face: :trollestia: and I will know that you are, in fact, a great person who is also very good looking. But for the people who don't read it all the way through, congratulations! You didn't waste 5 minutes of your life reading and replying to a pointless comment. :yay: That is all for now and by the way I loved the fic. :pinkiehappy:

3724974 :trollestia: I read it. Then laughed. Pointless yet funny

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