In a magical accident Smarty Pants becomes a filly. Will Twilight turn Smarty back, or will her heart melt as she cares for the filly?
- Special thanks to my editor MidnightBrightBrony
- Special thanks to 1110Soulite for cover art!
Chapters (4)
jojijijmz
Joined 22nd Mar, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Sparknanator · 21k words · 929 45 · 13k views
- Shining Star · 10k words · 526 26 · 9.7k views
- L_Wolf · 40k words · 128 2 · 5.1k views
- Bakmah Genesis · 38k words · 353 41 · 9k views
- nightwolf · 1k words · 20 2 · 1.6k views
- Noratcat · 19k words · 393 14 · 5.9k views
- Br0nyb0y123 · 21k words · 23 5 · 1.1k views
- AdrianJNovelle · 3.3k words · 43 7 · 1.5k views
Featured In12
- Foal Fics310 stories ·274 members
- Foals of the Mane 676 stories ·214 members
The Cake Family 256 stories ·196 members
MLP: Motherhood is Magical1,529 stories ·2,655 members
Children of Equestria1,503 stories ·1,031 members
- Baby Ponies212 stories ·261 members
- Fic Graveyard: Untimely Deaths241 stories ·38 members
Why am I _X_?472 stories ·1,106 members
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.149 seconds
Total duration
985 users online
1,804,187 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Nice Story start. I hope of more
A little too much wall of texty; but the idea of the story is promising, and if done right can become a really good story.
Given that Pumpkin's involvement in this tale's opening, shouldn't she be a character involvement as well ?
Still nice idea; keep up the good work.
Work on your grammar. Also try to split up the walls of text every four-five sentences, or when tou introduce a new thought.
Yes Pinkie ...
This is New!
Go on...
Wow, just uploaded yesterday and already there are seven comments! Sorry about my writing style, I tend to make large walls of text.
2445314
Pumpkin cake isn't a highlight able character, nor pound.
Biggest problem for me is the constant problem of names not being capitalized. I honestly didn't see many other issues though.
Hopefully I will see this again.
2445867
Thanks for the help, I have no editor so...yeah
Smarty Pants will need to borrow a cricket off Fluttershy, or something.
I'll follow this, because the story idea seems neat. 
This is a comment about the illustration and not the story.
Sorry.
Thanks Mr./Ms. Illustrator for NOT making Smarty Pants' eyes hang out of her head like a zombie.
Loved every word and am intrested to see where you will take this story!
A great start, I can't wait to see what happens next!
YAY!! we keep her around. Good chapter make more... Sorry pure love for this story is something I rarely feel. Most stories are decent at best but this one does pull me in.
Smarty Pants needs her own tag.
Looks as though reposting a chapter removes attached comments. The added introspection is a nice touch at the end, though my previous statements still stand though, along with the offer of help.
For now, we shall see where you pilot this yacht of dreams.
Cut down on the description. No need for so much information, one or two sentences should do.
Man, you need to fix that description. Try capitalizing names, k?
2445941
You should put space between Twilights arguments when you switch between keeping Smarty alive and Turning her back
^Wat.
The story so far could use some editing for grammer and spell check, but it is excellent.
However, the fact that the chapter title was misspelled - Transformation - made me seriously hesitate to read. Glad I didn't let that stop me.
I guess you have this idea because of that Smarty pants- Mac idea?
2452276
What they said.
Also, I'm pretty sure the sentence is supposed to read, "She knew Smarty wasn't real, and yet...she was a living foal." Or something along those lines.
Might wanna reword that. Maybe use Urine. It would sound better. Using a word like piss in narraration is always outta place when the narrator isn't a part of the story.
Also you really need to space out that mental argument.
Still though. Loving this.
PURE GENIUS SIR!
I like where this is going, but WALL OF TEXT IS WALL OF TEXT.
2452303
sorry, when I was typing the chapter name my mind went totally blank and I didn't see the error until a day later. I feel like an idiot.
I find it funny that this chapter says (revised), yet it has more errors than the first one...
LOL...
Irony at it's best.
However, I like your writing style, and this is certainly a good idea. Have a fav and a green thumb!
There's probably a law against creating life magically.
Celestia will have to make a ruling.
Best case: Twilight becomes an adoptive single parent and
Smarty Pants is declared an Equestrian citizen.
Wasn't there an episode of Star Trek Next Generation where
Data creates an offspring? It didn't go well.
Sorry for being an OCD nit-picker but I just don't know what to think when I pull up a story that looks like a great idea, and the very first sentence is a run-on.
Pssssshhhh, ahahahahahahahahahahaha!
2453169
Sorry, finding an editor soon
2453104 yes there was, but Lola, Data's daughter died because he was trying to improve on his design but it was a failure. It couldn't handle emotions like Data hoped.
2452876 I've read both chapters, thank you for sharing this story with me.
you captured Twilight quite well and the mental quadrature that she finds her self in.
A real heart tugger, you feel for the foal and for the mother.
You leave with the biggest question; what's going to happen next?
Not bad at all.
There are a few misspelled words but other then that. He was a, living foal. isn't suppose to be she?
Well I don't want to nitpick.
But I hope that you have good luck in the future and that everything will work out
Love it
This is beautiful. Do not give this a sad ending. If you do...
MOAR!!!
The concept is enough to like the story!
Smarty Pants is best pony.
dude, this really needs an editors touch. walls of text, run ons, terrible pacing grammer, I like the premise of this story, but it needs to be cleaned up before i can seriously read this :read later:
jep this is the right decision. At the point something has selfawerenis its alive.
Concept is great, but you could use an editor... or two.
Names need capitals, i.e Pumpkin Cake instead of pumpkin cake. Avoid run-on sentences and walls of text.
You've got a lot of seemingly random punctuation and capitals that just get in the way, too.
If you don't have an editor yet, then read through each chapter yourself a couple of times before publishing it.
A few minutes spent fine-tuning your fic can make a world of difference, believe me.
Have a like for now, but I'll save the fave until later.
that whole block of text at the end needs to be trimmed up a bit or broken into smaller parts.
HM...to be honest i see this as a little bit of a rush, to fully accept the doll to be her daughter so soon....is kind of unlikely. I rather the like the realization of Twilights paranoia and fears however, i believe that was portrayed very well in my opinion.
I am not going to lie though when i say the concept of this is reminding me too mush of Past Sins, where Twilight has become a mother (I highly recommend reading it btw) so sorry if I'm comparing the two too much.
Idea and story looks good, gramma and punctuation needs some serious work though. See if you can get anyone to help you look over it before you post. I look forward to more this has good potential.
I think the idea is great,but it felt really, really rushed. And there were a lot of errors.
Hulk smash puny wall! But Hulk no smash wall of text!
Randomly capitalized words that shouldn't be and character names that should, but isn't. Sentences with tense in present instead of past. Sloppy and/or missing speaker indications. And a couple minor typos. Not to mention a need for breaking the blocks of text into smaller pieces.
But the plot is good. This just needs some quick editing to clean up the quality; It's rather good quality for being bad.
Love the concept, but could use some editing. Both for grammar and for pacing. Structure could use some work too.
You need to mark scene changes, it is confusing when the scene has suddenly changed. And seriously, do something about that wall of text.