Immersion (revised)
Twilight and Pinkie gazed down at the carpet; the awkward tension in the air was thick enough to be cut by a rabid weasel chomping rapidly, or possibly A PARTY CHAINSAW. I wonder if A PARTY CHAINSAW! would be enough to cut through this really thick air? Pinkie contemplated on the use of a party chainsaw, while Twilight just stood in awe.
How is this happening, how the buck is this happening! I have to undo this, or else something truly terrible could happen. She sighed, looking into the foal, she was finished with her milk and had put the bottle down. She was now happily cooing and giggling, small eyes darting about the room. She began to slowly crawl, moving towards a plush turtle. She dragged her flank along the floor, slowly making way across the rug; Pinkie smiled, happy to see the foal acting like normal. Twilight still remained petrified, a prisoner to her own thought.
Smarty picked up the toy and placed it in her large mouth, sucking on the green felt head of the toy. Pumpkin, currently chewing on Gummy, looked to the newfound foal sucking on her toy. She waddled towards the toy and began to suck on the tail, placing her mouth in and enjoying the imaginary tastes. Smarty looked in sadness as her toy was sucked on by another, and scooted off, simply lying in the middle of the room.
Twilight snapped out of her trance, and gazed at the filly below. She giggled, succumbing to the overall cuteness of the matter. She watched as Smarty gazed back at her, and raised her greyish hooves into the air, acknowledging the presence of twilight.
“Ejajjja!” She cooed, gummy lips pressing to make a simple sound. It was too much to bear already.
“Awwwwwwwww.” Pinkie interrupted, smiling. Twilight simply nodded, smiling brighter.
That was when a large dark blot spread across the floor. It crept through the carpet, spreading rapidly until it stopped at half a meter. The carpet was damply warm, and the smell became worse.
“One of the downsides of having a foal.” Twilight sighed, sniffing the air. It was foul, she cringed, reeling back.
“I knew they were smelly but this, this is-”
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Twilight rushed, now trying her best to breathe through her mouth. She knelt down to see that Smarty Pants was incredibly uncomfortable in the puddle of her own piss. Pinkie bounced towards Smarty, picked her up, and changed her diaper expertly, hooves flying about the foal. Soon, she held her up, a diaper nestled around Smarty.
“Well...that was...expertly done.”
“When you’ve been foal sitting for two months, you know what you’re doing.” Twilight nodded, beginning to surround the puddle with a purple aura. She was obviously straining, sweating profusely. The yellow liquid began to float out of the carpet itself, and into a small jar. Twilight sighed, wobbling. Every muscle in her body was pulled and strained, her body was crying out its trouble with even a simple levitation spell. Pinkie witnessed this and tried to comfort her friend.
“Hey! You made Jarate!”
“What the buck is Jarate? Jar-based karate or something? That doesn’t even make sense [sorry, but there is no way to write it cut off without using a dash, one syllable].” Twilight began to sway on her hooves again.
“Whoa Twilight, you need some rest!” Twilight nodded weakly before she lost consciousness.
Twilight awoke in a soft cot, soft sheets enveloping her. She [bad error, Twilight is a she!] sighed, relaxing as she sank into the bed. It was lovely, she was worn out, after all, creating a new life form in its entirety. However, her mind was clouded with worry as she facehoofed for being so careless. She needed to take Smarty Pants to a doctor’s appointment. But, she’ll only be there for a few days before I turn her back. Twilight cringed again, arguing with herself. There’s something about her though, something that drew her to me, some kind of bond. She knew there was a part of her that wanted to keep Smarty Pants. Something about her coat, something about her eyes, even her odd hair. Everything about her seemed, She didn’t know what it seemed like, whatever this feeling was, she couldn’t put her hoof on it Twilight soon however was overcome by the logic in her mind. She isn’t meant to be alive, she isn’t meant to be a foal. She’s a toy, that’s what she always would be. But, then again, it’ll probably take me a week or so to build my energy again, and it might be worth it just to see. She resolved it [‘Resolved it’? maybe she decided she would take Smarty to the Doctor, or something similar. Resolved isn’t usually the term for thoughts.], she was going to take Smarty for a doctor’s appointment. She bolted up from the cot, shaking herself awake. She was determined to help the foal for as long as she had to while she built up her arcana [Arcana? Well, it is your decision. However there are a few more common terms. ‘Strength’ ‘Energy’ ‘Focus’ or even ‘Mana’, but still your choice on this one.] once again.
Twilight waited patiently outside of the exam room door, She was reading a book about time called The Wibbly ball of Timey Wimey, How To Travel Through Time. By: The Doctor. Fortunately, a white-coated mare with a short pink mane exited the exam room, holding Smarty Pants in her pearl like hooves.
“Well, good news is, she’s fine. But there are a few issues that have arisen.”
“Alright.”
“It seems that she is well, but she has a certain disorder.” Twilight’s eyes widened as she heard this.
“What is it?”
“It seems that her horn is larger and thinner than usual, meaning that her ability to use magic will be amplified, but her bones and muscles are underdeveloped, we call it magical compensation disorder. Is there any history of this in the family?”
“Yes...I had it.” At this Twilight paused, a million thought flying through her brain at millions of kilometers per hour. How did this happen, was genetic material shared between them? How did the spell work? She could not know, she didn’t get to the analysis page of Basic Animation yet.
“Go on.”
“Well, her bones are thinner and weaker than regular, as with her muscles. Her brain is however denser than regular, it seems as if more nutrition is going to her brain and horn than her muscles and bones, but it is usually vice versa.”
“Just like me.”
“It seems like she gets a lot from you, may I ask who the father is?” Twilight looked at her hooves, shaking her head.
“Oh. Well, never mind. Anyways, her eyes are somewhat odd, they are coloured separately, which is...rare. Other than that she is fine. But to help with growth, I’d recommend milk for her. Formula will work, but it does not serve nearly as well. Now, you aren’t currently lactating, I would recommend a certain spell done by unicorns to make their udders lactate.” Twilight nodded and left swiftly, deciding to take Smarty over to Sugarcube corner.
Twilight set Smarty down with Pound and Pumpkin. Letting them play together, she then went on reading the Analysis section of her book in another, quieter room. Meanwhile, Pinkie would care for the three foals. She exited, the door creaking behind her as it shut. Smarty simply gazed at the empty door frame. She searched for her mother, gazing about the room, but finding nothing. As expected, she began bawling, questions swarming about her little head.
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” The cry penetrated through Pinkie’s ears, swarming her senses. She was used to this, but the cries of a foal were always penetrating. She knelt down to Smarty, and reached down, picking up the filly. Her coat was soft and warm, not at all like the burlap she once was. Pinkie, tuning out Smarty’s cries, began to rock her, and as if by some form of magic, she stopped, and simply gazed up at Pinkie, beady eyes wide with curiosity.
“You’re just like mommy? Aren’t you? Always finding something new!” Pinkie giggled back, setting Smarty Pants down on the rug with the Cake twins again.
Pinkie sat and watched as Smarty, grasped and felt Pumpkin’s chocolate brown monkey. She raised its tail, and let it dangle from her mouth. Then she began sucking on it, investigating with great curiosity. Pinkie shook her head, knowing that unicorn foals were in general very curious and liked to investigate with their mouths, due to the fact that their eyes didn’t function very well at the age of several months old. Smarty, looked around the room, and found a bright red ball. There was something about it that made her need to know what it tasted like, what it felt like in her small maw. She tottered over, dragging her flank on the smooth carpeted floor. She reached for Pound’s ball, sinking her gums into the smooth plastic. Her mouth rolled off, and she looked about again, satisfied. Her small eyes met the door, the door where her mother had gone. She crawled to the small plastic gate blocking her from exiting the room. She reached, her forehooves poking through the gate, but it was feeble, the door was not any closer to her. She began to strain, as if wishing the door would somehow get closer to her. But nothing happened; she began to cry in her futility. Tears spilled down her, making her coat feel wet and soggy, as her eyes spilled like floodgates onto the carpet. In her desperation, her horn glowed with a dark blue aura, and her tiny form began to lift as she was surrounded with her own aura. She stopped, and gazed down, she giggled, letting herself fly about the room, she giggled slightly as she floated above Pinkie Pie. The pink mare gazed in awe at the foal hovering above her bouncy soft mane.
“Nonononononono, Smarty! You come down here!” Smarty Pants only gazed brightly at her foalsitter and giggled as she floated out of the room to find her mommy. Pumpkin and Pound gazed at one another, cooing in gibberish as they too floated up. Pumpkin began floating in circles around the room, while Pound began running about the ceiling, giggling. Pinkie gasped, this was the part she hated most about foalsitting, when her foals could fly out of her reach.
Smarty pants hovered about the brightly coloured halls of upper Sugarcube Corner. She floated and giggled with glee as she flipped in the air again and again, still looking for her mother. The filly spied an open door, holding a peaceful Twilight. Blissfully unaware of the giggling filly hovering into her room. [What? There is another foal following Smarty?] Smarty gazed down, smiling brightly at her mother, seeking the familiarity of her purple coat and streaming mane. She floated into Twilight’s lap, her little body full of elation to find her mother.
“Aggggiagggghhhheyyyyyaaaaaaahhhhhh!” She cooed, raising her hooves in odd directions as she stared happily at Twilight. Twilight laughed, smiling at Smarty’s glee.
“Hey little Smarty! Have you been a good foal?” Smarty Pants giggled and clapped her hooves together. Twilight was overwhelmed by this, and giggled again at Smarty. However, she sighed, memory going back to earlier.
She knew Smarty didn’t belong here, and that she had to turn her back when she gained her full energy again.
Yet, she had started to love the filly, and knew she would have to debate with her conscience.
She sighed, hugging Smarty in warm embrace. She felt Smarty, sighing again. It was awkward, she had no idea what creating a life would mean.
Smarty didn’t belong, yet as she gazed down, seeing the little smiling face of Smarty, she somehow felt as if she truly was real now.
She mulled over again and again, thoughts swarming and pecking at her mind like sharks snipping at a chunk of whale. Smarty Pants was still looking. She knew Smarty wasn't real], but she was a living foal.
She could feel the warmth under her coat, she slow waves of her tiny chest, her backhooves wriggling in her embrace.
She could feel the warm breath on her torso, spreading across her purple coat.
She could see Smarty’s eyes darting about, grinning with pure contentment in the belly of her mother.
She stroked the top of Smarty’s head, feeling the soft, smooth horn atop her crown. Her several strands of hair braided like string. Twilight wedged her hoof in her mane, calmly upbraiding the strands.
She sighed, mulling over the day.
Why the buck did I take her to the doctor?
She quickly answered herself.
To make sure she’s okay, I’m going to have her for a week or so, and I don’t want her to die, just...turn back.
But what difference is that?
I would be removing the very fabric of life itself.
I created it, and I would be destroying it.
How much better than a murderer would I be? Killing an innocent foal.
Twilight shook her head to try and dislodge the thought.
No, she’s not a foal, she’s a toy, an object made of stuffing and felt.
Not a living pony.
But she lives now , does she not?
Is she living now or still an object?
Well, she was once an object.
And she is alive, why do I feel for her?
It came like a bolt of lightning through her mind, Motherly instinct, She thinks of me as her mother, maybe even in the depths of my subconscious I think of her as my d...daughter.
No she isn’t my daughter, she’s Smarty Pants.
The...Doll..I...loved since the beginning of my years. Maybe I feel some kind of attachment to her because I spent my fillyhood with her, maybe that was it.
Or maybe just because she’s a helpless foal.
But I don’t feel the same way about the Cake twins.
I feel closer to Smarty, like she truly is my daughter.
Why do I feel like I’m acting in the most illogical way, yet doing the wise thing!
Are intelligence and wisdom different? Besides D&D scores?
Am I doing the right thing by caring for her and giving myself the chance to get attached to her.
Or do I want to be attached to her?
Do I want to care for her, Well all I know is I need a week to recharge my energy, and I’m gonna let this little one have a taste of what life is.
Or should I give myself the chance to love her?
But love isn’t bad.
But it will just make it sadder when she goes, I don’t want to be depressed.
Then keep her a pony!
I can’t, she doesn’t belong!
How do you know, what if there was a hint of a soul, like the unbloomed bulb of a flower, waiting for eternity to become a beautiful flower.
Maybe, she was alive inside for all along.
No, she was an inanimate object. But what if, all the times we had spoken to Smarty all those years ago, some part of her was wishing she could speak back, letting all of her emotions out? She was a doll, she had no emotions. She’s like francium suddenly becoming bromine, one thing becoming something completely different. Yet, how would it feel to have a taste of the most beautiful food ever tasted, and have it snatched away from you by some torturer. Was she killing Smarty Pants, or restoring her. She was ending the life of a foal. No, she knew there was something about the new, living Smarty Pants that had moved somewhere in her heart, well, in her brain, there are no emotions in the heart, it only pumps blood. Never mind. Twilight gazed at Smarty, who was cooing at her, smiling as she embraced her Mother. Twilight sighed, she knew she couldn’t turn Smarty into a doll, how could she do that to an adorable little foal. She smiled again, and faced Smarty Pants.
“Bu...babhajjjiiiiieeeee!”
“Yes little one, mommy’s here.”
Stats
Page generated in 0.046 seconds
Total duration
1,073 users online
1,868,015 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
YAY!! we keep her around. Good chapter make more... Sorry pure love for this story is something I rarely feel. Most stories are decent at best but this one does pull me in.
Smarty Pants needs her own tag.
Looks as though reposting a chapter removes attached comments. The added introspection is a nice touch at the end, though my previous statements still stand though, along with the offer of help.
For now, we shall see where you pilot this yacht of dreams.
Cut down on the description. No need for so much information, one or two sentences should do.
Man, you need to fix that description. Try capitalizing names, k?
2445941
You should put space between Twilights arguments when you switch between keeping Smarty alive and Turning her back
^Wat.
2452276
What they said.
Also, I'm pretty sure the sentence is supposed to read, "She knew Smarty wasn't real, and yet...she was a living foal." Or something along those lines.
Might wanna reword that. Maybe use Urine. It would sound better. Using a word like piss in narraration is always outta place when the narrator isn't a part of the story.
Also you really need to space out that mental argument.
Still though. Loving this.
PURE GENIUS SIR!
I like where this is going, but WALL OF TEXT IS WALL OF TEXT.
2452303
sorry, when I was typing the chapter name my mind went totally blank and I didn't see the error until a day later. I feel like an idiot.
I find it funny that this chapter says (revised), yet it has more errors than the first one...
LOL...
Irony at it's best.
However, I like your writing style, and this is certainly a good idea. Have a fav and a green thumb!
There's probably a law against creating life magically.
Celestia will have to make a ruling.
Best case: Twilight becomes an adoptive single parent and
Smarty Pants is declared an Equestrian citizen.
Wasn't there an episode of Star Trek Next Generation where
Data creates an offspring? It didn't go well.
Pssssshhhh, ahahahahahahahahahahaha!
2453169
Sorry, finding an editor soon
2453104 yes there was, but Lola, Data's daughter died because he was trying to improve on his design but it was a failure. It couldn't handle emotions like Data hoped.
2452876 I've read both chapters, thank you for sharing this story with me.
you captured Twilight quite well and the mental quadrature that she finds her self in.
A real heart tugger, you feel for the foal and for the mother.
You leave with the biggest question; what's going to happen next?
Not bad at all.
There are a few misspelled words but other then that. He was a, living foal. isn't suppose to be she?
Well I don't want to nitpick.
But I hope that you have good luck in the future and that everything will work out
Love it
This is beautiful. Do not give this a sad ending. If you do...
MOAR!!!
The concept is enough to like the story!
Smarty Pants is best pony.
jep this is the right decision. At the point something has selfawerenis its alive.
Concept is great, but you could use an editor... or two.
Names need capitals, i.e Pumpkin Cake instead of pumpkin cake. Avoid run-on sentences and walls of text.
You've got a lot of seemingly random punctuation and capitals that just get in the way, too.
If you don't have an editor yet, then read through each chapter yourself a couple of times before publishing it.
A few minutes spent fine-tuning your fic can make a world of difference, believe me.
Have a like for now, but I'll save the fave until later.
that whole block of text at the end needs to be trimmed up a bit or broken into smaller parts.
HM...to be honest i see this as a little bit of a rush, to fully accept the doll to be her daughter so soon....is kind of unlikely. I rather the like the realization of Twilights paranoia and fears however, i believe that was portrayed very well in my opinion.
I am not going to lie though when i say the concept of this is reminding me too mush of Past Sins, where Twilight has become a mother (I highly recommend reading it btw) so sorry if I'm comparing the two too much.
I think the idea is great,but it felt really, really rushed. And there were a lot of errors.
Hulk smash puny wall! But Hulk no smash wall of text!
Love the concept, but could use some editing. Both for grammar and for pacing. Structure could use some work too.
You need to mark scene changes, it is confusing when the scene has suddenly changed. And seriously, do something about that wall of text.
Loving the influx of these kind of stories lately.
I really like it, but you either need an editor or check your stuff before publishing.
And so this begins.... I like it. and if anything of mine came to life I would never be able to remove the life from it. Its living now and as Mewtwo said
"The circumstances of ones birth are irrelevant."
At least thats a paraphrase and life is a gift so why take that away from something?
Yeahhhh that last justification needs to be broken up some. The Wall of Text is jarring.
Heh heh, cute cover art.
The concept is interesting, but the execution is horrible.
First, you're inconsistent with your names. Some are capitalized, some aren't.
You don't use contractions when you should. People do not talk like this. If you want your dialogue to feel natural, you need to use contractions.
Your characters are too flighty. I can understand Pinkie, but everyone seems to have the attention span of a 3 year old.
You tell, you don't show. You spend the entire first paragraph telling us about how much Twilight loves books. Not only is this rather unnecessary ( I don't know a bronie that doesn't know that Twi loves books) but you should be SHOWING us how much Twi loves books, not just telling.
Stop info dumping. We don't need to know every little detail about a scene, or every little thought that goes through Pumpkin's head. This ties in a lot with showing, not telling.
You switch between your characters viewpoints too quickly, too often, and with no warning to your readers. There are times when I'm halfway through a paragraph before I realize that it's Pinkie's POV, not Twi's anymore. You either need to stick with one POV char, or you need to denote your transfers more clearly.
You resolve your main plot points too quickly. You set out an obvious timeline: one week. Twi has one week before she has to decide if she's going to keep Smarty Pants or not, and yet it's only been one day, and it's already clear what decision she's going to make. Worse yet, you do it through a wall of exposition. Don't be afraid to let Twi go through some mental anguish. It's good character development, and in the end, that's what the story is all about.
Honestly? This seems like a rushed first draft. Sit down and give this story the time it deserves and it will come out much better.
My Pyro senses are going Haywire, the cuteness is overloading!
@jojijijmz...
I agree with most others posted.
Your story premise is solid and interesting, with plenty of creative ideas & angles to be written with. I would mark it for further reading under better conditions.
Which brings me to the literary technicals, your execution is very poor. You need a lot of clean up and refinement. A lot. So until that is done, I have to down-vote you on the technical points.
Once you (&/or editors, &/or proofreaders) fix & clean things up, however, you will have a front-page quality fan-fiction.
I lost it when Pinkie said that Twilight made jarate.
Why is there a but here?
Good concept, but like everyone said, punctuation, capitals, and WALL OF TEXT.
Still, take a thumb...and a fav.
If you like, I can edit your story before you publish it, just give me a call...or a PM.
So i must say your doing a great job, daum i i had to say its been a little wile since ive seen a story as heart warming as this one i cant wait to see more of this mate.
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw6227-Medal.jpg
Ok, Nice story my lord I like what you are trying to do but you NEED and editor, I spent way to much time getting upset over spelling and grammatical errors
This is but the one that confused me the most
That cover art! Dawww!
i would consider getting someone to go through and revise this story. there's a bit of spelling mistakes and some sentences that don't need to be there. less is more.
2451992 So does Cloud Kicker, but she still doesn't, even after Winning Pony.
TF2 reference! Hurray
2455783 Also a Doctor Who one too.
2455156 So did I.
References. References everywhere.
Twilight's mental battle wall-o-text was a tad hard to read. Don't be afraid to break it up into new paragraphs and say use each one to showcase one mental argument.
This is a paragraph that has Twilight listing all the things that are wrong with keeping Smarty Pants: The need to buy diapers, midnight feedings, a grumpy dragon being woken up at random times in the night, magical surges, how to tell her parents and brother she now has a foal, and the list goes on.
This is a paragraph that has Twilight listing all the things that she would love to do with Smarty Pants: Read her books, have her meet her other friends, show her to her parents and brother, buy her ice cream, watch her play with other foals (like Pound and Pumpkin Cake), teach her magic, and the list goes on.
You get the Idea. If you are willing to read a little more there are two guides that have helped me and I think you will benefit from reading them as well.
The Editor's Omnibus (EQD)
Ezn's Guide
SO MANY ONIONS IM CUTTING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
i love all of this story, please keep up the awesome work!!!!