It was morning in ponyville. Celestia’s sun rose from the horizon, giving rest to the beautiful night of sparkling stars and Luna’s moon. The sun cast a spectrum of colours onto the small hamlet. Pinks, yellows, oranges, reds, and purples cast upon the town. Giving large contrast between pitch shadow, and orange light. The town was waking up, brewing its coffee, and quaintly reading the daily newspaper in bliss only seen at sunrise. All was quaint and quiet, all was sound, and for the first time in weeks, nopony was ready to break into song. On a saturday morning, many ponies simply felt like relaxing, sleeping an extra hour or two, and embracing the beautiful weekend.
Twilight sighed weakly as she awoke, the light kawing of hens and other animals echoed from the humble cottage of Fluttershy. She jumped out of her bed, yawning, and stretched her hooves in the air, alleviating cramps from her slumber. She turned to her right, spotting Spike’s bed, now occupied by the Baby Dragon, and Smarty Pants. Smarty’s tiny form was bundled into a tight sphere, snuggling in the warm, scaly chest of Spike. She was sleeping soundly, breathing evenly. Twilight smiled, gazing at Smarty with a tinge of melancholy.
Smarty Pants was sucking on her hoof, eyes closed in peaceful slumber. She was now real, and was now a foal. She had been looking up in her book, and she had found that if a new form is created, such as a flower, it takes nearby genetic material and fuses it into the body, not only that, but it finds the creature nearest to it’s size and uses that as a template for the body. So it used Pumpkin Cake as a kind of mould, and used Twilight for genetic data. On a genetic standpoint, Smarty was actually her foal. She sighed, knowing her tiredness was still clouding her judgment. She would have to tell Celestia, and honestly, that was what made the most sense. She was very unbiased in the way she went about practically everything.
Twilight plopped down on her desk, and commanded her quill. It was harder than usual. It was nearly effortless before, but not nearly as draining as the day previous. At that, she began to write.
Dear Princess Celestia,
- I am afraid to inform you that in a magical mishap, Smarty Pants, the toy you gave me so many years ago, has been magically transformed into a foal. I am debating with myself over what to do with her, and I feel very conflicted about what I must do. I require your just, unbiased opinion to truly resolve this situation. The repercussions of this event are highly unknown.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight placed the note on her desk, and waited for spike to arise from his slumber. Normally she would wake him, but with Smarty sleeping with him she didn’t want to wake a sleeping foal, especially one with magical compensation disorder. After all, she had been the weakest filly in her class for years and years, but her magic was incredible. Who knows, maybe she was tied to the element of magic. What would it be like with two elements of magic? Twilight didn’t want to know. She sighed, and pulled a Daring Do book from her shelf, sighing as she relaxed.
“I haven’t read one of these in a while.” She said, propping herself on a chair. She soon lost herself in the pages, reading with absolute glee at the artful fiction.
Her trance was broken, when a cry erupted from the upper floor. It was Smarty Pants. Twilight sighed, putting her book down, she had only gotten through the first 200 pages. She slowly walked up the steps, her muscles straining with every move. Soon enough, she reached the top of the stairs. She gazed out of her window, a wonderful view of ponyville before her. She liked the tree. It was very large, had space for a copious amount of books, and always had that beautiful oaky scent.
Twilight gazed at Smarty Pants, who was simply sitting on the small dragon bed, waving her hooves out. Tears spilled from Smarty’s gritted eyes, and her cries were becoming louder by every second they defiled her ears. Twilight sighed, lifting up the filly in her soft, fleshy hooves. Smarty Pants sniffled, tears gradually receding. She snuggled in Twilight’s warm body, stretching her tiny hooves out as she released a joyful coo. She began sucking her hoof, beady eyes still gazing at Twilight. She smiled again.
After she had found Smarty, she found herself smiling more often. And waking up in the middle of the night, thoughts battling within her mind, a lot more often. She turned back, seeing Spike rubbing his eyes with his claw tiredly. He stretched back, releasing a loud yawn. Smarty giggled, repeating Spike.
“What was that?” He paused for a moment, still tired.
“Well... never mind... anyways... Twi. Did you turn up the heat or something? It was nice and warm in the bed.” Twilight paused momentarily, he still didn’t know.
“Hey Spike, I have somepony to introduce to you.”
“Who? Is there a new pony in town or something?”
“Kind of, first, I need you to send a letter to the Princess.”
“Oh. Sure, I can do that easy. Give it over.”
Twilight nodded and handed the wrapped piece of parchment to the Dragon. He smiled and blew, a small, green flame, escaped his lips, licking the edges of the paper until it was burned into nothing. Smarty Pants gazed at this spectacle, eyes wide with curiosity, as she clapped together her hooves.
“Eeejjjjaaaaaaeeeeeeee!” She smiled, waving her blue hooves about.
“Who was that?”
‘Spike, I’d like you to meet Smarty Pants.”
“What, I’ve seen Smarty a billion times. Did something happen?”
“There was an accident, and she turned into a foal.” Twilight stated in her matter-of-fact tone. Spike doubled back in laughter, exploding on the ground. He rolled about, squealing, and wheezing.
“I don’t get what’s funny.”
“No...it’s just...*sniff* unexpected... hahahahahahahaha! The element of magic, the most powerful unicorn in Equestria, has to feed a crying little foal! Too much!”
Twilight sighed, turned back to Smarty, she stared at her again, eyes wide. That was when she started crying.
“Smarty, what’s wrong? Smarty?” However, the mare’s questions went unanswered, only drowned out by a droning cry. Smarty began rubbing her belly with her hoof. She was hungry. Only one problem, Twilight had no foal food. Twilight winced, and sighed again, reluctantly, she surrounded smarty with her magical aura and placed her on her back. She turned to the crying foal once again.
“Alright, you’re hungry, I get it. I’m gonna get you some food, please be quiet.” Oddly enough, smarty stopped, and began to coo.
“Oooooooohhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaa!” She broke into a giggle, and began to play with Twilight’s mane with her small hooves. Twilight winced when the foal accidentally pulled on a strand, but began to trot outside.
In ponyville, everypony seemed to gaze at Smarty and comment on how cute she was. While Twilight agreed, she knew they would probably say different if they had to change her diapers. Twilight simply smiled and giggled, wincing when Smarty began getting curious enough to start biting her hair. She turned to the foal, whose main laid of her mane.
“No Smarty, we don’t eat anypony’s mane.” Smarty only sat and stared, continuing to chew. Tendrils of pain continued to invade Twilights’ scalp. Smarty then began to pull with her muzzle, separating several strands from her mane. Twilight gazed at what was once a calm and orderly mane, which was now a complete mess. She sighed,and continued walking. Smarty pants simply lifted up the purple hairs and began to play with them. Twilight looked back to Smarty, to find her with eyes shut and hair in maw. Twilight smiled, gazing at the foal. She shook her head, no, she had to turn Smarty back... she had t-. She stopped herself. Then why am I getting her foal food?
I can’t get rid of her, I know it, just look at her.
Twilight continued on her way, a smile upon her face.
And THAT is how a rewrite is done. Bravo. I look forward to seeing what you come up with for a more audience friendly conflict my friend.
Funny chapter.
Needs more grammar and/or pre-reader.
I don't get the title "Deep Thought". Who's thinking?
yes very good chapter. As long as you don't take ponies and put them so out of character that they wouldn't be them i think I will enjoy this whole thing. forever.
Thanks to MidnghtBrightBrony so much for editing!
*ahem*
Da'wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Me gusta the rewrite. Much better. Formatting is still a little rough and it could use some more editing, but all in all, a vast improvement. Plus, I'm probably being too picky. Keep it up!
2536679
Nice Gallafreyan
How will Celestia react when she read's Twilight's letter?
2536822
Finally someone who can read it! :D
2536585 twi is...on just what she is to do with Smarty Pants, and her conclusion is, although not entirely logical, that she cannot return the foal to her original form...
2536867
Not that one can think too much about the fate of a magically created foal, but didn't she do that in chapter 2 already?
And the thoughts don't seem that deep to me.
2536978 she was still conflicted, she felt that she had to turn Smarty back, that she couldnt be a real foal...but she acted like one and did Twi really have the right to end a life that perhaps never should have been but none the less was?
Welcome to Truth and Consequences, Twilight. Population: You.
@jojijijmz...
1. Literary refinement critique... Chapter 3, you may want to indent Twilight Sparkle's letter to Princess Celestia to give it better visual positioning. Same goes for some of the talking-lines, since you are not using such for paragraphs.
2. Technical critique... Chapter 4 suffers a bit from lack of spacing between paragraphs. With so much internal dialogue, you are bordering upon the "wall of text" mistake again.
3. Writing advice... With any Slice of Life story/series, you want to go slowly for the story-telling. As I posted before, you have a solid story-premise with truckloads of potential angles and ideas to offer, take your time in exploring them all.
4. Overall... While you still need to do more clean-up and refinement work on Chapters 1 & 2, and better space out Chapter 4, you have definitely shown good effort in trying to improve your work. For that, I retract my thumbs-down. Whether it improves to the point of earning a thumbs-up from me, that remains to be seen. But I will continue to keep a loose eye out on this fan-fiction for now .
its
Spike
(delete the comma)
Ponyville
(double blank)
dragon
(delete the comma)
Ponyville
What?
(need a blank after the comma, might delete the comma)
You need an editor!
Better but still needs a lot of work on the little things
Twi, just accept that she's your daughter. If you keep trying to rationalise a reason to change her back, it will keep hurting you more and more.
4363614 I agree, and this is my truthful and Unbiased Opinion:
All my life I've been a Cynical bastard with a practical no nonsense personality, But this story has opened my heart. I feel again. which is saying much, but twilight having a child is something she should cherish, for it is children, and children alone. That show us what it means to be truly innocent. and that, I say, is worthy of note. *Heavenly choir starts to sing Hallelujah*