A student of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns stumbles upon a mysterious house in the streets of Canterlot, only to find it abandoned. Once the door has been opened, it can never truly be shut. Once the house has accepted him, he can never escape it.
His only hope lies hidden in the deepest chambers of Canterlot Palace, in this manuscript.
(A gentle warning: contains psychological horror and mention of but not graphic depiction of sexual activity.)
Cover Thanks to Beloved BonesWolbach
Chapters (2)
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bravo! bravisimo!
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this is how horror should be done, the foreboding, the execution, the creeping feeling that you should just turn back, stop immediately and just turn back, yet unable to do so, the helplessness that comes with that feeling, i got shivers at that line, even bigger than the one who nested upon me when Twilight was opening doors.
i think some author said it once, but its not the fangs and claws, its also neither the monsters and creatures, its the darkness itself that we fear, the entity without form resting in its cover, manifestation of our deepest fears, i would dare to say become the next Stephen King. (even if you do it like a hobby
)
i have to ask, what was your main inspiration for this story, it gave me this nostalgic and melancholic feeling, almost like i was once again a child being embraced by his mother
P.S. sorry if i sound hyped or fanboyish but its been a while since i got this trill reading horror
god i missed that feeling so much 
Masterfully done, I love the atmosphere of the story, a brightly light and inviting house with seemingly nothing to hide but everything about it is just off. And
Good God my blood froze, I probably shouldn't have read this in a dark room.
I very much enjoyed this. Not only inspired by a book I love, but also done with some skill and with sound to boot? Love love love.
This story really makes me fear the unknown
Nicely done.
This is really, really excellent.
Been a long time since I've read horror this good.
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Have you read https://www.fimfiction.net/story/22323/a-fleetng-light-n-the-darkness this story? It's one of the few dark stories around here I totally loved.
I tend to hop genres a lot, but if I thought of another dark story I liked, I would write it.
Steven King hilariously doesn't follow his own amazing advice, a lot of the time, much to his own detriment. He always pulls out a monster and it's totally bogus.
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Hehe. If light ever helps...
2362878
I'm glad you and others think I pulled this off well! I don't write a lot of horror. Though usually because I have a hard time sleeping afterwards...
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A good dose of fear is healthy.
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Thank you!
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Thanks. Got any recommendations? I have a hard time scoping out horror stories I like that don't fall into the traps of bad slasher crap (I mean you can write a good serial killer thing but it is HARD).
Actually that's a good question for everyone. Shaaaaare.
Shiiiiiiit. That ending... is quite possibly the creepiest part of the entire story. The narrator's whole life was changed and he doesn't even notice.
Still, that doesn't diminish the fact that the whole damn story is monstrously creepy- everything from the impossible hole that spits Apple Tart and only Apple Tart out into the back yard to the simple fact that the smell of the drink in the mugs in the living room changes between visits... and then there's whatever it was Twilight found in the closet.
If I were Twilight I'd damn sure want to know who Gust and Aria's first child was. Someone conceived in there... I'd want to know how that turned out.
So. On the whole, hugely, overwhelmingly, incredibly creepy.
Nice work.
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Many thanks to Cynewolf for pointing this story out.
Very nice work. I get the House of Leaves vibe, and this story manages to be just as unsettling in a mere 9,000 words. Beautiful work with the slow build in tension.
And most importantly, excellent discretion in knowing what not to reveal. Sometimes that's the most important detail of all.
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Danke! I was worried about the ending, and if people would really get it. Still I wonder...
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And thank you kindly for reading/commenting.~
I've probably already gabbed up and down this page about how I like my horror, and I just tried to work in that same vein. Trouble is that I know all the answers (or at least what I THINK are the answers... who knows? Maybe the whole truth is beyond me, too) and I want to get into everyone's heads and know exactly what they're thinking. Down that path lays madness, I think.
Also you get extra props for the House reference.
HOLY CRAP THAT WAS SCARY
Edit: whatever happened to the third guard that was with Twilight's group? Did she/he get taken aswell? And no one so much as remembered the poor bastard.
2397054
What third guard?
2397740 Hardy har har.
There are 6 element bearers. One pair of guards. That makes 8 ponies. Nine of them are in the room.
...
You mindscrewing bastard.
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Mmhm.
Spooky stuff. Love it. I sense an influence from the experimental novel House of Leaves.
Edit: And now I see that I'm not the first to notice that influence. (Must read all comments first!) That book freaked me out...and the scariest part for me was the revelation that most of it took place in my hometown!
This story pleasantly (or unpleasantly) gave me flashbacks to the book. There's just something about such bizarre, eldrich phenomena being described in such a straight faced, clinical manner.... Yikes.
Nicely done.
Being an amateur of, and not great fan of, horror stories, I'm finding it interesting, but I really wish someone would write a detailed 'spoiler' explaining it all point by point. Seems that like leaving so many unanswered questions apparently 'is' the point, and that's leaves me unsatisfied. I think of the old TV series twin peeks, a lot of mood, but in the end a feeling that even the author didn't quite know what was going on.
This is intresting. The story seems complete but it feels like I am also missing a part of it as well... Like a page I forgot I red.
It would be cool if they do a nod of this in the show. Just have Twi stare at a house strangly for a sec before shrugging it off.
Perfectly done horror. The atmosphere, the pacing, the descriptions, everything is pitch perfect. I specially love the sheer wrongness of the descriptions, like reality itself is shifting around the characters (or maybe just their memories). I love when a work makes me wonder if the errors are intentional, and you really pull that off. From what jumps out to me, is the fact that there is no mention of the water closet on the second floor, the lack of a 9th note, and the inconsistencies about the guards.
Anyway, loved it. You surely got a knack for this kind of stuff.
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Part of the appeal of this genre, to me and to others, is not only the horror but the mystery elements. It's kind of up to the audience to piece together what happened. Which is why I'm hoping it'll eventually come about in the comments. Enough theories and discussion and it's bound to show up!
All of the clues are there, no detail meaningless, all deliberate. It might be facetious to say that I know exactly what happened, but okay, fine, I'll take off the spooky mask and say at least I know exactly what happened according to me.
Your mileage may vary.
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There are zero Homestuck references in this story.
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I had difficulty sleeping several days when reading House of Leaves. It also made me fall in love with the format. I've been reflecting and a lot of my favorite horror games (SH2, Fatal Frame to a certain extent, and especially Eternal Darkness) use the 'found document' to great effect.
In HoL I always felt protected by the fact that the most terrifying story was fictional in the universe of the book, and the protagonist wasn't haunted so much as a little crazy/paranoid. So many of the 'real' details were uncanny, though.
So I definitely riffed off of the format, but didn't keep that idea of the manuscript being a fiction (or purported fiction). I'm glad this is enjoyable for folks, at any rate.
Edit: respond to comments, several more pop up in the meanwhile. I haven't forgotten about you! I just have to go to lecture. Yikes.
The text, followed by my reactions.
"My friends are with me, as is a pair of royal guards." Okay, sounds good.
"... all nine of us are fitting easily into the room." Crap crap crapcrapcrap
Well done.
Hmmm. I don't like to pass by fics like this without leaving a comment, but there seems to be so little I can say about it. Clearly I have become immune to the crazy somehow, because none of it got to me in the slightest, and yet, the quality of construction and concept is clearly superb.
The one thing that did stand out is that you seem to have used a near identical voice for the three distinct perspectives, and that detracted from the overall effect for me. It's a pretty minor point, in all, and I'm sure most people don't even notice.
I dearly wish I had more to say, or that I'd felt enough to give you a thumbs up. I think I just see too much crazy in the world around me that the absurdities herein are almost comforting. Yes, I think I'm a bit strange...
-Scott
EDIT: It also occurs to me that MLP might not be a helpful setting for this kind of thing. There's so much that is deeply illogical in the world itself, that adding to it had an awful lot less effect than adding the same filter the our 'normal' world. Without the tether of mundanity (Seriously, Scott? That's not even a word!), I feel like I'm lacking a yardstick to measure the crazy against. I mean, next to artificially raising the sun and the moon, this really isn't all that freaky. The show already hints at much darker things for those of us reading between the lines. (Reformation spells anyone? Love potions?)
I found this chilling and spooky, but I didn't get a lot of it.
MARVELOUS work of literature. that was quite haunting. The way the words were used were pretty choppy, but it set the scene. I don't understand how the house works though. what does the alicorn want and why did she enchant the house, have the stallion, or attack twilight? anyhow very well done, nice subtle hints.
Very well crafted. just enough detail information to feel real, not ever enough information to really answer the questions with any certainty, still enough that you can make a basic general guess.
The "owner" of the house is/was an alicorn, and similar to Cadance has some sort of emotional influence as her ability, but instead of drawing out the magic that already exists in a pony, she warps those who come in to her house to be what she wants. It's obvious she's trying to fill a void that was left in her from the loss of a loved one, however no one that comes in can last long enough, but she warps them enough that they can't quite die properly either.
Still, I am left wondering about Gust and Aria's descendants as well as what happened to Apple Tart. Gust and Aria might not be a problem, I mean, they had sex, and apparently decided to get married, so that might imply that the room was applying emotional warping on them beyond just a simple estrus cycle. Apple Tart bothers me the most. There's always the possibility that she was replaced with something that only looks like Apple Tart, but I get the feeling it was more of a "catch and release" situation, where Apple Tart wasn't the intended target, so the Alicorn just tossed her back.
The lack of specific maliciousness is perhaps the part that truly drives home the unsettling creepiness. If this were a case where there was actually a sense of hostility, then it would imply that the creature either considers you a threat (and therefor you can fight back) or that it takes enjoyment from pain, which in turn implies that it feels more powerful by making others suffer or feel weak(and therefor it is trying to hide from its own weakness), but this is just a simple case of a creature having such overpowering ego(ego in the traditional sense, not to mean arrogance) that whatever it wants simply steamrolls what anyone else might want without even noticing them, like inadvertently crushing an insect while walking down a sidewalk. It creates a distinct sensation that you really are dealing with a terrifyingly powerful entity, much like a force of nature, you can't really do shit to stop it, you just do your best to survive it.
2397054 There was no third guard.
She just forgot that there wasn't.
This story never really struck me as horror, just a lot of "What's with this house?" Could just be me; I like things that make no sense.
I got chills reading this, I won't lie. It's like Coraline mixed with more of the non-specific eeriness I got from The Price (both are Neil Gaiman works). This was well done to the point that I wonder how much I'll sleep tonight. Really, REALLY good and creepy.
It all makes perfect sense to me. But We're not telling you. I'm not going to reveal it at all.
I had to think about it for around 20 minutes before they started to get the idea of what is happening.
The rest is just my own theory of what happened but we tried to put the clues together. Biggest clue being the closet and hole.
If you get my comment, then congratulations to you. Have a cookie.
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Heehee. Always wonder about this sort of thing when I'm in a crowd...
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Hey, it's okay, and I definitely dig helpful criticism. I'm always working on ways to make my voices more diversified, and I think it's an area in which I am struggling. Glimmer and Twilight being similar is kind of more likely since they're both Academics with the same goal and type of education, reporting to Celestia. The protagonist could probably have been done a little better.
I figure Equestria has ghost stories (and Season 3 proved to be a little helpful in that) and something like this would be a natural extension. But I also had a lot of other goals in mind. It's unfortunate if it didn't have a strong effect on you, but sometimes that's going to happen.
I will ask, if you don't mind me doing so, what it is that you find terrifying in the world?
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Give it time to sink in.
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Thank you.~ There are reasons for everything, but it wouldn't be any fun if I just spelled out my own reasoning.
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I really like hearing people's thoughts on this. I think it also extends beyond the story, too, just thinking about what's threatening, what's terrifying. So often, magic or magical creatures are at the center of these stories... but beneath that and what makes them more rending is an emotion you can relate to, and something normal gone horribly wrong.
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It might not be horror in a traditional sense, but I wanted to bring it closer to home, so to speak. Everything makes sense from my perspective. But missing information can make it really disorienting.
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Neil Gaiman is one of my favorite authors, so I find this quite flattering. And I think you'll be fine. Probably.
2448414
I'm probably missing the reference, but don't tease the masses too much.
My God. No other fan fiction has unnerved me like this one has. I wish I could say more, but all-in-all this was fantastic. God. The part with the doors...*shudders*. Although the little after-memory-loss ending felt a little too long for my tastes.
Very enjoyable, a simple premise, at first you see, yet worked and weaved with a touch that haunts so well. It was a blast to read.
I agree with comment made by pre-reader 23 on eqd, it's finally feeling like spring, I have a blanket on me and I STILL am getting the chills
the only thing that gets me is this quote
so we can assume one of 3 things, 1. Spike is with them, simple as that (but I doubt it) 2. there was a 3rd guard and Twilight didn't mention him for some reason 3. Someone else was with them and Twilight wrote them in without even noticing
My bets are going with 3.
The one thing thatreally bugs me about this fic is that the shifting of firstperson perspectives isn't as clear as it feels like it should be. At times I couldn't tell whether it was the unnamed antagonist, (Octavia maybe?) Twilight, or the other investigator who was speaking. Other than that, it was an excelent and unsettling read, good work.
Well since I don't like leaving before commenting here's my 2 bits.
I love spooky, scary things (I'm a Silent Hill nut, amounts other things), so creepy level for me I give it a 2; maybe 3 out of 5. Overall story telling, and setting up the sense of uneasiness, and all around bizarreness, I'd give you a 5 out of 5.
I thought it was pretty well written. I did get lost in a few areas, but I think I could blame that on being past my normal sleeping time.
It did have a nice sense of eeriness. How the house worked kind of reminded me of Silent Hill (the first one), how near the end you go through an building, or area, mashed up of different locations visited up to that point, making no kind of structural sense, but still is pulling you in the desired direction.
On a personal level though, so entirely my opinion here, I didn't find it chilling enough.
Overall rating from me, 4 Pinkie smiles out of 5!
Ah, an alicorn of memory, forever twisting thoughts into ever-increasingly tormented, warped visions, drawing in others into the home of her mind.
Alas for her if she should open the door to me. For I infect all minds that touch me.
*winks at the readers* Go ahead, try to forget about me now.
I really liked this. Sometimes the shorter, "one shot" horror stories don't have as profound an impact on me as I would like them too, because its hard to set a good pace and get you in the right mood and to care about the characters in such a short span, but I think you nailed it here.
It seems that the main character's cutie mark changed, and neither he (at least, I think its a he; but she could be gay for Holly) nor the world around him noticed, and adapted to his new talent. Did Celestia do more than just modify his memories? Or, perhaps he somehow temporarily gained the memories of another. His story of making things glow in his room reminds me of the ambiant light that is present throughout the entire house, leaving not a single shadow. Maybe he always had been the musical pony, but the house made him take on the memories of an occupant who was responsible for the glow.
I'm curious about the gray colt that looks in through the window during the first investigation and that is seen running down the street in the second one. I don't think I missed anything, but I never learned what his significance was.
Is it possible to figure out what the engraving of P.S. stood for?
I like the idea of detecting sound waves that occurred hundreds of years ago. I wish I could listen to the gemstone, but google isn't letting me download it because of over use. Upload it to soundcloud maybe?
The missing third guard, and all nine of them in the room was a great touch, but I wasn't able to perceive any lasting consequences of that anomaly. Did it have any other effect than just freaking me and Twi out?
My glob, I could go on and on. I wish everyone in this conversation (Especially you, author... You in particular...) could just be in a parlor with tea, wine and biscuits and have a nice conversation about this story in person. I will get my friends to read it and see what they have to say, because I don't think I'll be able to get this off my mind for a while. Excellent job!
ZF
Contrary to what InquisitorM said, I actually did notice that the three narrative voices were nearly identical, and for a time, I had trouble distinguishing between them, never sure if you had actually switched voices or not. That being said, overall, I liked the narration, even if it did strike me as a bit dry now and again.
Now, there are a few things I liked about this fic, and a few things I didn't, but I'll talk about the former first.
At first, I wasn't really getting into the story. Nothing really grabbed my attention and said, "Look at me!". It all felt so... meh. Then we get to Twilight's investigation, and I started to care. About the time they find the hole, I started getting At the Mountains of Madness vibes, and I got really excited. Unfortunately, then it kinda went away and I wasn't left feeling particularly shaken. Also, during the time they hear the eerie music, I started to remind me a bit of The Dunwich Horror, which also got me excited. (In case you couldn't tell, I'm a big fan of Lovecraft) Lovecrafian horror is something that really requires a slow burn, and in some respects, you did manage that. You even had a sort of cosmic horror as well, with the alicorn and all that. There were very specific parts that I thought you managed very well, but for most of it, I was decidedly un-spooked. My jimmies remained unrustled and my hackles were never raised.
However, I do want to give you props for actually attempting "real" horror, and not the stupid gore-spam that seems to plague this fandom like a diseased cow carcass. Also, I do appreciate the subtlety with which you handled the story, though I think much of it remains unfinished almost... hmm, that's not quite right. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I was left feeling like there was supposed to be more. I got to the end and just kind of let out a quiet, "Huh...".
Anyway, despite not being scary or even mildly disturbing, at least to me, I enjoyed it for the most part, something which I don't often say about [Dark] fics, despite my love for them. Overall, I'd give it a solid 7/10.
Dammit you have got me re-reading this thing just to figure everything out. That never happens.... Ever.... Pretty sure I'm going to be obsessing over this story.
Here's a thought, what if the alicorn Twilight saw is Celestia?
Also note that at the beginning he notes a picture depicting a unicorn mare, but at the end, he notes that she scolds him with a tap of her wing.... That just sounds too deliberate to be a mistake to me. I will learn your secrets!!!
Wonderfully done. Like Chaotic Pony, I have a theory about what I think happened in this story, but I haven't figured out all the details and I wouldn't be surprised if I was way off the mark. That being said, this was still a cut above the average horror fic, and the kind of thing I always wish there was more of in this fandom. Makes me feel like I should start up a group for quality horror fics and seed it with this and A Fleeting Light (which I ended up pre-reading for EqD and loved as well).
I suppose I could also toss NIGEB in a group like that too... I can justify plugging one of my own stories like that if I won judge's choice in a horror contest with it, right? At the very least, I'll throw in all the other finalists from that contest too. Stuff to think about another time. Point is, this story's great, and I'm glad to see it's getting the spotlight it deserves on EqD.
I actually experienced a bit of deja vu during the part in the closet. freaky as hell sort of thing to happen while reading something like this.
Ok, had to make an account just to comment dagnabit....
Anyway, first off cudos on the story there was really only one part that set me on that edged reader feeling but for the most part I just enjoyed the weirdness of it all.
With that out of the way let me get to why I bothered to create an account.
The theories. Oh yes. Love 'em.
I'm not going to start spouting my own off because I've come up with five just in the course of typing this. No I'm just going to help a little by throwing in a morsel ya'll seem to keep stumbling/missing over. The filly at the window that runs of.... is.... None other.... Than our own little protagonist Dun dun duun.
Enjoy your paradoxes.
Could you host the mp3 on some other site? Google isn't letting me download it, because too many others already have.
Holy shit that was creepy. I'm glad I waited till I got to the gym this morning to read this, reading it by myself in a dark room right before bed would have been a mistake.
This will definitely be going on my user page recommended stories list.
This is so incredibly good. I keep on reading and re-reading to try and see if I'll solve this mystery. One thing that really unnerves me is the 'the shapes in the room'. Twilight never describes them; the lack of description, only calling them 'shapes' or the 'others' is really disconcerting... Are they ponies, I wonder?
I've sort of thought of a theory which mainly stems from the passage at the end, from what happens to the narrator. Somehow the house has changed his (perhaps her?) very being, instead of his cutie mark being magic related, he now has a passion and talent for music. And music is a key part of the house, the pianos, the soundstone, the music on the walls... Did the narrator ever really leave?
I don't mean that the ending is 'it was all in his head', but there appear to be some hints at the end that he lives in the house, or that elements of the house have been transplanted onto his own life. The 'full night run of Canterlot at my doorstep' describes 413 Mulberry Lane perfectly. Is his mother now the alicorn in the picture? The way his mother brushes him with her wing is a mirror of how Twilight is similarly touched by the wing of the alicorn, a figure that she is also moved to call 'mother'. The narrator remarks at the start that the painting of the couple in the house is 'way too lovey dovey', yet at the end is very proud that, for his parents 'the only ponies they love more than us are each other'. His parents seen to now reflect (or actually are?) the couple in the painting. Which brings me to his 'siblings'...
The house wants unicorns, not all unicorns but the only ponies it shows interest in are unicorns. The reason Apple Tart went through the hole was that the house did not want an earth pony. It let Glimmer into the house because he was a unicorn, and the same goes for Twilight; it tries stop the rest of Twilight's friends on the stairs because it has centred on her. It wanted Twilight just as it wanted the narrator. And I believe the 'siblings' mentioned at the end may be the other ponies that the house has swallowed, the same 'shapes' that Twilight sees at the end. After all, the common rumour is that a family of unicorns lives in the house. Perhaps, though the narrator, Twilight and Glimmer escape, a part of them has been taken by the house, or perhaps their own lives were simply swallowed by it. The table inside the house can seat fifteen; how many victims have been taken?
I don't know why the house wants unicorns and tries to mould them differently. Maybe an alicorn lost a child, and in her grief locked herself away from the outside world (the carvings reminiscent of royalty might be a hint, perhaps). Now she exists, swallowed by her own magic, a strange eldritch horror that tries to recreate the lost child over and over again to be the 'mother' that she always wanted to be. I don't know if the P.S is a clue to her identity- the P could be for Princess? The S somehow makes me wonder if Celestia was ever spelt as Selestia in old Canterlot, but I can't think of anything else to support a theory that the alicorn is Celestia.
Hopefully this somehow makes sense! I feel a little like I'm just rambling on a page.
I just really, really enjoy the entire atmosphere of this story and have enjoyed looking at everyone else's theories. One thing I don't think people have noted is that it's never fully explained how Twilight is now. She escaped, and her memory was erased but all Celestia says is:
Is Twilight the same Twilight that first entered the house? 'Her life goes on' but what life? Has she fared any better than the narrator?
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I'm also really intrigued by this comment- you keep on changing pronouns, which I'm guessing is your hint? It doesn't sound anything like my theory at all, but now I'm really eager to know what yours is. I need to know!
In summary: I love this story, I love the tension, I love the atmosphere and I love the subtle changes like how the cups change their scent and the 'third guard'. I think the ending might be even worse for the narrator than first supposed, but I may have merely gone insane from reading this story ten times in a row...
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I'm aware of this now and will be working on getting another host up ASAP. Someone recommended soundcloud, I'll try it...
Need to reply to a lot of stuff but I'm sleepy.
2448628 Of course you may ask! I love good questions. I will, however, forward that in a PM, since this thread should be about the story.
I do appreciate the limitations of the voices, but what made it stand out was that you'd used short sentences to build the tension in a character's written account. It's effective, but a little too far into openly manipulative for me not to see the intent, rather than the story. I'm not meaning to say that it's not a good idea, that's just how I took it. Maybe I'd have backed off a little on that for the second actor, since the underlying suspense is already there.
But then, I've never even tried writing horror, so what do I know :P
-Scott
Well...I read this over a Skype call and I creeped MYSELF out!
everypony that ever set hoof in that house, and, in the words of Rarity:
Very Lovecraftian feel to the whole thing, and the bit with the doors and the the "dead" alicorn opening her eyes, and the creepy assed bottomless hole in the floor...eesh, I got the chills, man!
I agree with Glimmer: bulldoze that damn house, neurolize
I love the story but I still wonder. Did anypony investigate the hole further? It says that it might intersect with the 'Canterlot Caverns' which I am lead to believe are the same caves that Queen Chrysalis sent Twilight to in A Canterlot Wedding, which both Twilight and Cadence know how to get in and out of. Somepony could go down and try to find the hole! It also said that Twilight believed that the hole was sucking in the magic somehow. What if they had tried to seal it? Put a book over it or something? Personally I am disappointed in Twilight for not investigating further. Adding on, Celestia herself wants no pony else to enter that house though it remains standing. Why hasn't she destroyed it like both investigators recommended? Did the alicorn inside enchant it so it could never be destroyed? Or is there a possibility that the alicorn could escape if her magical house were to no longer exist? You can't kill her afterwards after all. My final theory being, maybe she knows her and believes it best she stay there.
Wow... I am honestly disturbed. I don't think a work of fiction has disturbed me this much since NIGEB.
SO AWESOME!
I love it.