• Member Since 12th Mar, 2015
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

storm128


A very inconsistent author with an affinity for making things sadder than they have to be.

E

Nurse Redheart has begun to question the importance of her day to day life. Is bandaging boo-boos and settling tummies really as imperative as everypony makes it out to be, or has her life become a continuous cycle of monotony?

Perhaps helping out a distressed colt will show her how meaningful the smallest acts of kindness can be.

My Entry For Everfree Northwest's Scribblefest 2017

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 7 )

God damnit the feels! Good story by the way!

8001764 Thanks! Feels were definitely what I was aiming for. :twilightblush:

8002214 i think my heart stopped for a second at the end when rarity came back!

Cute, with some nice comedy mixed in.

If I had one complaint, it's that the story opens with an infodump of description about the hospital, and this is probably not the strongest way to start. In part, it's because some of this is information we don't really need to know. What we do need to know could be interspersed with Rarity and Redheart's interactions to build the scenery in a more natural way than pouring it all out upfront.

She patted the buck on the head before the pair walked off.

I think you mean "stallion" and not "buck" here.

Nice Scrubs reference with the name of the toy. The overall sentiment here is good as well. However, the main conceit of the story, that Rarity confused a toy with her own sister... that's too much of a stretch. Maybe have it be in a saddle bag, and in the process of leaving (with her sister) she grabs the wrong bag, thinking it was Sweetie Belle's in the rush out the door.

My other main complaint is that Redheart's crisis is too bluntly stated. This happens early on, in the conversation with her fellow nurse, and then again later, when she literally talks to herself, describing her exact thoughts as she cries in the lobby. It'd be better to describe more of this as emotions or actions, rather than direct dialog.

Overall though, a touching story!

8031270 Thanks for the critiques. I agree about the info dump, I could have worked the descriptions into the dialogue a bit better. And yes, I meant stallion, I'll fix that.

8034161 Thank you for the suggestions. Honestly, the whole plot point with Rarity taking the toy was mostly me just grasping at threads to tie the story together, same with Redheart's crisis. I guess that's what I get for procrastinating. :fluttershyouch:

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