- Member Since 18th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen March 26th
Fuzzyfurvert
I write pony words that people seem to like. I also review fics and draw purty pictures, apperently. I'm an older fan of MLP, so expect a lot of 80's references.
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must read now
the boner i have right now is not so weird, as i know exactly why i have it
OR: awesome
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Is it wrong of me that I giggled when I typed that?
Hornjob/Magical Snowballing!
So intrigued!
Interesting.
That cover image...
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Screen cap plus 5 minutes in photoshop. It fit too well to not use
wait , i see luna in the character list , but there's no mention of her in the description , what role does she play in the fic?....
That's was different in a good way. Well done. New fan right here
I got a short way in and thought it was okay.
Then I came across Luna's speech. Mostly, it's fine. However, I found out someone doesn't know their archaic pronouns. It made me stumble over them so hard, I've decided to come down here and point them out, along with examples from my own mind. I haven't read the rest of your story yet, and I will in time, but this needs sorting.
"Thou" has since been replaced with "you" in the singular subjective case ("you" doing the action), and "thy" or "thine" with "your". "Thou should consider thy position carefully". ("Thy" and "Thine" both mean exactly the same thing as far as I'm aware. I can't see any difference in usage between cases. I think it's "Thy" in front of something without a consonant to start, and "Thine" in front of a vowel, just like "A"/"An".)
If you want to say the archaic form of "I", it would either remain as is or change to "We" or "Us" (just like in the show). "We would have thine attention." (Yeah, that "thine" sounds right.)
To say "you" in the archaic singular objective case ("you" having an action done to you), you would instead use "thee". "We beseech thee, do not flee!"
Your use of "ye" as a direct replacement of "you" in all cases is technically correct, but it's so uncommon to see it used for singular purposes. Its most common usage is second-person plural nominative - the phrase "Hear ye!" comes to mind - where it applies to a group of characters being addressed, not just one. Personally, I'd use "thou" and "thee" instead of this in your story, but if you end up with a group, "ye" would be appropriate. "Ye all hath valour in abundance!"
"My" turned archaic becomes "My". That's right - no change there. Unless you started using "We"/"Us" for first-person singular personal pronouns - then I'd use "Our" for possession. "Thou hast my book. We would see it returned post-haste."
I still think it's good overall, but as I said, that made my mind stutter as I read, and great stories flow so the reader doesn't have to think - they just imagine the story and feel it in their mind. I'm no expert, but I've read enough books and fics that I've gathered a good chunk of information about what's widely used and what's not, as well as what's not right. Do a little research on archaic speech, change those about a bit and see how it goes. If you can navigate it, Wiktionary's English Archaic Terms section should have all the information you need.
(Ain't it strange that I'm putting all of this information on a clopfic?)
EDIT: Edited a little to provide more accurate information.
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Luna is whom Twilight is dreaming about.
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It's not strange at all! Thank you, in fact! I was very leery about using the archaic pronouns. I even looked up info on them online, but I seem to have nerfed myself with them.
I'll go in and fix those. Next chapter should look better than that too.
2320370 mmmmmm me like.....
I don't know what to say. Usually I don't read clopfics but Luna needs loving too.
Honestly, I read this for the tags.
But after a bit of reading, I instantly loved it.
And that comes from somepony who never thought she'd ever think of TwiLuna as a good thing.
I was going to berate you for overdoing the medieval talk, but then I realized I did the same thing with Applejack and Applebloom's southern accents. I am loving this, can't wait for more.
I believe it's already been mentioned, but your use of 'they' and 'thou' had me stumbling. Referring to ones self, you should use I, or we if you're sticking to canon. Additionally, it doesn't benefit the story to replace you with ye outside of specific circumstances. It's just awkward. Please fix these for the next chapter.
Other than that, it's cool. We'll see where it goes.
i've never been good with the old english terms, but something feels different when luna is speaking, might be because you're not using "we", "our" and alike.
the switching between first person thoughts and third person view felt a bit weird. i would suggest retelling everything in third person without telling us so (twilight wrote that she would look at it from the audience's point of view, that was kinda unnecessary, it's quite common to have "flashbacks" when a character is reading a diary).
you might want to fine-tune how you deal with the notes as well, i would not suggest you dump them entirely, they're quite fun, maybe putting up a break before and after each interruption and removing the parenthesis might work, footnote'ing them might also work, but it would be slightly annoying to have to go down and check with each one.
the dream really felt like a tacky porno (which kinda fits since it's a dream). i like it and i think you should continue.
I've never been a fan of horn play or wingboners. I guess I just don't "get" the appeal of such things.
Still, I'd be lying if I said this didn't me a little hot under the bridle.
Suggestion: Call it 'Pony Dreams and Stranger Things'. Kudos if you get the reference.
A Twiluna clopfic? Well, that gets an auto-favorite.
I was going to mention the Ye Olde Englishe pronoun problems, but it has already been addressed, so...have a mustache instead.
Just so you know, I believe the past form of slide is slid.
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Oops, missed that!
I'll be editing that later today. Thanks for the heads up!
That face in the cover art creeps me out a bit.
Deadpony froze, the tip of his tea cup touching his lips. He looked down at the liquid, then at the screen, down once more, and finally at the screen. He shrugged, and took a sip.
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It's a good thing you froze. Tea can leave a dickens of a stain.
And about here I just started laughing:
Judging from the "tea stains", I think she found a way to give it that reward.
Amazing story, had to upvote it and noticed I gave 200! IS there a sequel?
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There will be two additional chapters. The next one is mostly complete but has been on hiatus until I get chapter 9 of Pony Dreams out.
4266147 Ah, I understand. I wrote a what if that I won't be able to post until I finish my current story and get through the next one, and then only near the end will I be able to post it.
that was good I look forward to your next chapter this is turning out to be very interesting
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This story is interesting but i am left to wonder if we will have to wait another year before we see it go anywhere else?
I wasn't sure how interesting reading MLP sex scenes would be but the way you have Twilight analyze each dream :D fun reads. Hope you do more.
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Well now, here's a blast from the past. Haha, I got to enjoy reading through the first chapter again to remind myself how fun it was. You once again drew up an enticingly enjoyable scenario with our favorite librarian and you managed to capture her personality well. I especially liked the joke about correcting someone even in bed. Funny stuff
Jesus Christ this got updated, time to re-read the first chapter I suppose!
Poor Twilight is going to break when she realizes it's actually Luna in her dreams.
killed me with that one
...Dat cover pikchur.
Blarg I am ded.
Seriously tho', it was genuinely amusing to me.
are you sure... it's ok if you need Luna to draw you a map?