• Member Since 12th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 28th, 2023

Comet Burst

The man without a plan.


This story is a sequel to The Golden Armor

It's more of a continuation than a sequel, but whatever.

Comet is the leader of Princess Celestia's personal guard. Angel is the leader of Princess Luna's.

Comet is awake during the day. Angel stays up all night.

Comet likes using a halberd. Angel excels at using claws.

Comet is a pegasus. Angel is a bat pony.

Together, they take on all the twists and turns life hands them. However, things don't always go as planned.

Cover art by Equestria Prevails.
Proofread by jmartkdr and Feather Scratch

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 289 )

First pass: Very nice, like Feather Scratch said very cinematic! Strong visuals are important near the beginning; it's the only chance you'll have to really ingrain the images into the readers' minds.

Second pass:
" Celestia's sun shined brightly from behind some wispy clouds the weather ponies didn't bother with. "
Gah. Weather Report, really? The pan down effect is much more effective on film. Try starting in the castle itself, or at least the streets.

"Some pegasi and unicorns even floated in the air, " How are unicorns floating?

"One of them, a sentry in the standard issue armor, glared at several pegasi who hovered above him." Give this guy a name. Maybe he gets called back later.

"guards from the princess's own bodyguard detachment." princesses' plural possessive. Also, detachments

"One was a white pegasus with a red mane and tail, a quite unusual sight from the typical blue maned guards." This was a little weird until I realized: Are Goldencloaks not seen very ofter around the palace? I think you meant that he was not the usual blue maned type of guard. I would replace 'a quite unusual sight' with 'different' and leave it at that.

"Under one of her wings sat a rather large spear, ending in a pike tip with an axe blade on one side, hook on the opposite and the tip above both." It's called a halberd. An excellent choice for arms (it's what the Pope's Swiss guard traditionally use) but bronies on the whole are nerdy enough to know what a halberd is. Just use the word and leave out the description here.

"All in all, she looked the role of a Solar Guard, or a Goldencloak as they were commonly known." Was she a Goldencloak, or did she just look the part? How about, "All in all, she was every inch a member or the Solar Guard, ..."

"polar opposite " This might just be me, but I hate that phrase. 'inverse'?

"He rightly shone the pride of the Lunar Guard" should be 'He rightly shone with the pride of the Lunar Guard'

"He was large, intimidating and awesome looking." Don't use awesome here. Or ever use the phrase 'awesome looking.'

"The pegasus had a white pelt, blonde hair but fiery red eyes that somehow looked like they were encapsulated in ice." This sentence is missing a word, but I'm not sure which word. 'somehow still looked'? 'they were also encapsulated'? Try a few versions, but play up the contrast. It's a core part of Comet's character, after all: tightly controlled passion.

" a tall armor collar leading to a turquoise star on his chest." armored. Also, why turquoise? Why not amethyst? or did I miss something?

"containing her excitement as best she could." This is telling where you should be showing.

"A stifled smile at the corner of her mouth was evident, along with her leathery wings. " PASSIVE VOICE! I just got finished with another story that did this way to much, which is really only two or three times anyway. I won't say never use passive voice, but it's bloodless and stale. Also, the dependent clause is incomplete, though Feather Scratch caught that too.

" a lighter version similar to the pegasus's. " Which pegasus? (I assume Comet, but it isn't clear enough)

"he complained." This may or may not need to change, but the dialogue should speak for itself.
Words like 'complained', 'opined', 'queried', or *shudder* 'exclaimed' are often a sign of weak dialogue that doesn't express itself well in the first place. i.e., we know he's complaining. This sort of invisible miscue can turn off readers early.

"the bat pony barely contained a fit of laughter." Don't tell us what she didn't do, show us what she did do.

This whole last paragraph is telling, but in this case, that's perfectly okay. Show action, tell downtime. (unless you have a really witty way of telling) Except for this:
"Darkly, Comet thought it was a job Shining Armor pushed on him so he could not worry about work that day." I was going to tell you to clean up the sentence when I realized: You haven't introduced Comet by name yet. Maybe just admit Shining delegated like a boss (pun intended), or say 'his subordinates' felt put upon because Shining didn't want to work that day.

Told you I could do mean. :ajsmug:

But hey, you should have seen some of my early drafts... :pinkiesick:

EDIT: seems like you fixed all that. Looking over it again, I'm liking how life moves on only somewhat smoothly. Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

"She had her leathery bat wings spread, which Comet learned meant she was really excited, and trotted into the office. " Comet had learned (yes, past perfect is right here)

"Ouch, pull those claws back," Midnight said as he sucked on his teeth. Even though they were related, Angel and Midnight had a strained relationship. Being the first foal born to her mother after she left her father, Angel secretly loathed Midnight's company. He always reminded her of the unpleasant time in her life when her mother abandoned her and her father to go off and save the colony, all the while trying to convince Angel to do the same. With live births so rare among bat ponies, Angel wanted to avoid a life of bearing more foals than she could count.

This is a rather ugly infodump... it will probably be better to spread this out over several scenes, including the one where Angel tries to explain this Comet.

This feels a little long for one chapter. More like a chapter and a half. And the last bits with Midnight Glow are really tell-y. Definitely want to spread all that out over the next several chapters, with a few important bits put into the dialogue, i.e.:

"Hello, sister."
""Half-sister" You did this part well, we want more of that.

"Midnight never really knew his mother..." Bring this back up in conversation when Valyrie talks about her mom.

"It was an odd thing, dating a gryffon" Have Angel ask how Valyrie's doing (she is Angel's friend too, after all.) "She's fine, still getting crazy letters from home, but she doesn't get too upset about them anymore." (Or is she just better at hiding it?)

The entire Midnight / Angel conversation should be in the second chapter anyway. I'm not sure if the scene in the office (with SA) should be the end of chapter 1 or the beginning of chapter two.

Fourth Pass:

"climb a wall meant for Royal Guard use only and fly off, leaving some very flustered and, quite frankly, unhappy guards" ...fly off, and leave behind some very flustered and...

" Comet barely had time to look professional as his commanding officer, Shining Armor, trotted in." ...look professional before his commanding...

"Shining half heartedly returned " half-heartedly hyphenate

""Good," Shining retorted. He stayed silent for a few seconds, but continued. "You are aware that the new princess is my own sister, right?"" I feel SA would call Twi his "little sister" here

"craziest mare in Equestria other than Pinkie Pie" This feels like a title, in which case it should be capitalized and separated by single quotes, like so:

'Craziest Mare in Equestria Other Than Pinkie Pie'


"almost didn't fit her face" Almost didn't fit on her face. (the idiom you used suggests a false smile. There is nothing in Equestria more real than Pinkie's smile)

"Pinkie Pie learned quickly that day not to make phoenixes angry." This is a poorly executed noodle incident. Consider revising.

""You're still annoying. I just can't yell at you now," he replied sarcastically." Comet's coming off a bit dickish here; might want to indicate he's joking a little better. Perhaps 'He couldn't keep the corners of his mouth completely down, however.'

"acting as if taken aback" What did she do with her hooves? (She placed one against her heart as though she were hurt, the other extended out in standard dramatic fashion)

"of tolerance to her annoying ways." Use another word for annoying here. 'manic'?

"Angel froze for a second before turning to attack the shadow" I thought Angel was a little more badass than that. I'd think she'd get a good kick in (even if it didn't quite connect) rather than being overpowered by her inferiors.

Overall good. I might have broken this into three separate chapters, but I tend to favor short chapters.

I just saw this and went:

:rainbowkiss: OhmygoshOhmygoshOhmygoshOhmygoshOhmygosh


Right in the middle of me writing a big blog post (about pegasi dressing themselves) this gets posted. Of course.

Anyway, I'll read this when I get done with that.

Cool beans. Now i have more distractions from my story writing! :ajsleepy::ajsmug:

Hmmmmm. Continue with this, sir.

YES! Nice to see that one of my favorite Fics is back for another round.

:pinkiehappy: I saw this and i was like EEEEeeeeEEEeEEeEeEeeeEeEeEeEEeEEeeEeEeEe :pinkiehappy:
:rainbowkiss: THIS IS GONNA BE !!!!!SO AWESOME!!!!! :rainbowkiss:

YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! :raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry:

Huh. Golden Armor II?

No big de-Oh who am I kidding?


The story shall continue, but I wouldn't recomend doing it until season 4 comes.

I lick your face in love <3

ah... the memories :pinkiesmile::yay:


As an avid and faithful reader of the previous part, I'm definitely excited for this one! Off to a good start!

*Sees this. Jumps around like an idiot. Parents look at me like I'm an idiot* I DONT CARE!!! I LOVE YOU RIGHT NOW!!! YOU. ARE. AMAZING!! ALL OF MY YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!!!


I love it when an author from my top three favorites writes more stories; it fills dull days with pure awesome!
Keep it up!!

I knew it!! I knew there a sequel somewhere!!!

"Just another day, after all."

:twilightoops: Oh, boy. S**t is going to go down so hard. That line just confirms it.

*me the moment I saw this*


*me after reading it*
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/514/979/7b8.png :trollestia:

You have earned this:

i literally started to just exhale loudly for almost a minute until i actually went over to click and start reading this. and i am so very glad that there is now a part 2 :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy: :pinkiehappy:

I just started searching the comedy section after a sort of annoying day and then I saw the story. At first I was like :rainbowhuh:. Then I checked the author and clicked the link to double check. THEN I SQUEED AS HARD AS I COULD :rainbowkiss: AND INSTANTLY FAVED! I am so glad this was continued.:pinkiehappy:

It begins anew! The adventures of Clyde the Guardpony and Friends!

The moment i saw this i popped a blood vessel. IT FELT GOOD:pinkiehappy:

Normally I'm a little skeptical about sequels, but this one doesn't feel too out of place, and does feel almost required in a few respects. Plus, your writing is among the best I've seen in here. Carry on. :moustache: :pinkiehappy:

YES! :pinkiehappy:

And a happy life for Valyrie.....yay!

Yes, bucking YESS!!!:pinkiehappy: one of the best stories I know of...HAS A SEQUEL!!!!:rainbowwild:

Finally! Those two kiss like it's nothing! Good times await us, I can tell <3 If foals aren't foaled by the end of this story, I'll be disappointed (that is, if pegasi and bat ponies CAN breed)!

It's finally here :pinkiehappy:

As if a dream comes true. :pinkiehappy:

Whoot! Huzzah for a sequel to one of my favorite fanfics ever. And it's starting off good :D

Wait until she gets pregnant :trollestia:

2530844 ValyrieXMidnight i imagine there baby would be a jet black gryphon with leathery wing and golden eyes also for some reason she gets a cutie mark later on

Wow I am really impressed. Your writing skills have really improved, the suspense! I just paused in the middle of a important school project to read this. Everything's looking good. At first I was a little confused about the part of Pinkie Pie, but then I realized what that meant so I'm good now.

Goldencloaks and Zodiac? Best names ever! :pinkiehappy:
Right, onto the good stuff. The description of everything is amazing, you've really just satisfied me immediately. I like how the scene sort of revolves around Shining Armor and Comet and their conversation, you have really described Shining Armor's personality perfectly.
So for you sir (maybe it's a madam!) I'll give you 4 moustaches out of 5. You really must keep this up, you're on a streak!

From the humble sh:trollestia:tty writer.

So you did make a sequel. Good job:pinkiehappy:

How come I haven't discovered this sequel 'till now? It's an outrage! My thoughts on this chapter? Good start dude. I kinda like that it starts at the Twilight's coronation and what exactly the characters were doing. Plus, I'm glad things are still good for the group... For now... But anyways, can't wait for the next chapter.

Looking forward to the next chapter. Your story is very well written, good job. :twilightsmile:

Welcome drama, in any way possible.

Hurray it has begun.

And so old friend you returned at last. Also YOU WILL CONTINUE WRITING BECAUSE SCREW SOCIAL LIVES!

This is just me but I've got a feeling that Midnight and Valyrie may find themselves on a detached assignment to a certain farming town of our mutual knowledge.

Yay i just finished reading the first one and see this :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy: Also am i the only one who noticed the Game Of Thrones reference with the Goldencloaks :duck:

Glad to see it's back! LET IT BEGIN AGAIN!!!

The Golden Armor is literally my favorite fanfic. I can't WAIT to see what you do with the sequel!

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