2 weeks after defeating Nightmare Moon, Twilight finds a visitor in her library. Who is this stallion, where did he come from, and why is he so interested in Pinkie Pie? What is up with that jacket?
Warning: Story contains table abuse, randomness, dark themes, and a lesbian. Just the one though.
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Hmmm, not bad sir, hats off to you. If you are new around this site, allow me to introduce at least myself. I am known as Prince Solstice... Oaky ya know what fuck it, you came here for a review and her is some honesty.
That was fucking wierdly good. If that makes sense. There are a few spots that need small touch ups, and to top it off, you really need someone to proof read your chapters. Yea, everyone makes mistakes, but it's best if you go and get some people to review your work before posting. Now for some good news, your O.C wasn't an alicorn, he isn't overpowered (at least this far), and he seems like a believable character. Plus I enjoy this time frame you put it in. You might wanna work on some of the descriptions, like for actions and stuff. Now as for this writing, it's intriguing. It peaked my interest enough to just find out why he hates Pinkie Pie (+10 if you change it to loathe). Oh one more thing, and maybe it's just me, but I hate it when characters do the whole 'realize two things.' One: you spell out your numbers when doing that, and two: it feels like it lacks creativity and effort to just make them into complete thoughts. Just describe what is running through Twilight's mind. Also, I will say, you need to at least add another chapter, or change the description. Pinkie didn't come up once this chapter, and it seems like that was supposed to be a central point of this fic. Anyways, I liked it, and I hope to read/help you with more.
PM me if you want someone to review your chapters (trust me, ya do).
Final Verdict: What is up with dude's hair, like DAFUQ.
2154614 Okay, i agree, i do need a proofreader but hey i wrote this in like 30 min before the plot ran out of my head. as for pinkie, she comes in later and if this story does go as far as i want it to then believe me you will be shocked as to why he dislikes her. the whole hair thing is a chekovs gun that will go of way, WAY far in the future. i feel no shame in saying that because this story will be littered in them
as for the timeframe thing, i wanted a place where the main characters all knew each other, but didn't now each other well
2154648 Haha, again allow me to introduce myself. I am what is known as a bash/rage review person. I always make fun of something in the story, and rarely do I ever go full dick head mode on any story. If you wanna see that here and here. Anyways, I am serious about the proofreading though, you will need one until you get the hang of it yourself. Trust me it becomes infectious, I had to rewrite that comment twice before posting. Anywho, job well done for real though, and like I said, just PM me if you do need someone to proof read. /)
Well, it's okay I suppose. The thing is that it doesn't really attract the reader and get them to come back. Okay, it's funny in places but it doesn't get us moving in the story and it doesn't hold the attention of the reader by creating a compelling enough cliff-hanger. You need to do one or both really.
Hmmm... A Mystery Stallion? Interesting...
Willing to bet mystery stallion was once human.
2156101 how have i done with these last few chapters?
That Story becomes more and more weird. In a good way, of course.
Want more to read.
First piece of advice not in the review: double space between your paragraphs.
The review you asked for is done.
All chapters have been read.
Ты понимаешь что я написал по-русски?
______________________________________________________________________
initial impressions are.... ugh. It's definitely not something I'd write. Of course, I am a crazy russophile war nut. Even my romance fic has militarism.
Criticism sledgehammer inbound!
First things first, double space between your paragraphs. It is much harder to read walls of text. It is also much less enjoyable to read them.
The second complaint is about your characters. I don't know who they are or where they came from, but those are not the mane 6. They just do not act like that. I can't imagine any of them, with the possible exceptions of Applejack and Pinkie Pie, behaving as you've written them. Spike with a butterfly net. WHAT? Домой, дети, вы пьянные. I advise going back and turning most, if not all of the characters into OC's. You have dependable, sufficiently effective characterization, but the character traits do not match those of the canon characters whose names you are using. They all seem too verbose, especially Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash. However, I see that you're using the Alternate Universe tag, so I'll just let it slide for now and let you figure out what to do. Card, your main original character, is fine, although he seems a bit Mary Sueish. I admittedly like the idea of a confused stallion who doesn't know who he is or how he got there. You have some other OC's, although I either completely forgot about them because their roles in the story have been so minor that they didn't register, or I simply couldn't be bothered to care about ambulatory 2D plot devices with speech. Keep your cast focused on characters that matter. Adding in too many characters, especially ones that are boring or flat, is a bad idea. That reminds me: all your characters talk too much. You need to imply more with body language or elipsis instead of spelling everything out with dialogue or narration.
The third point I would like to hit is your plot. More accurately, I cannot detect one. Even though your chapters are short, I still get the distinct feeling that you are just stalling for time. It's starting to get annoying because you're roughly 10,000 words in and nothing seems to be happening. That's the point at about which even the most patient and engrossed readers are going to quit. In the short description, you said that your OC has a problem with Pinkie Pie. That's interesting enough to get a reader started, but not enough to justify wading through over nine thousand words of sludge. I came here to read about Card's hi-jinks and see the results of Pinkie Pie tampering with the universe. Where is Pinkie Pie? Is anything going to happen? Get a move on!
Problem number four is your pacing. This is a tricky one because you are seemingly indecisive about how you want to pace your story. Your writing style is well suited for writing long, meandering tales. However, your scenes are short and choppy and your chapters are also short. If you are going to brief, then tighten up your narrative. If you are going to be verbose, then take your time. It's supremely strange to read a story where the narrative style is relaxed, but all the scenes are truncated. It's a supremely mixed message; imagine seeing a sexy girl in a miniskirt and a bikini top wearing a purity ring.
Issue five: Your mechanics. I don't know if you're just being careless or if your grasp of English is incomplete, but you make a lot of noticeable errors in mechanics. Your diction also has problems. I've seen you use words which sound and are spelt fairly similarly, but mean very different things. In chapter four, you said "Here, have soon apple juice." Что же ты значишь? Go back over it and proofread.
You will soon see the wonderful difference good formatting can make.
Now let's talk about the things you did well.
The concept is interesting. I cannot tell whether or not Card is meant to be originally a pony or some other sort of creature. He seems just as confused by everything as you would expect a being without memory to be, so that's something you did well. I also like how you try to construct a personality for Card and include character development. An interesting story is ultimately one that makes us care about, although not necessary like, the characters. You are doing a fair job at that, but you simply need a lot of practice. Continue to write.
The story never gets boring, which is a plus. It was not taxing to read your 9K words, although 9K words should never be hard to do. The story is a little memorable, if only for the reason that I don't recall anybody else trying to do something like this that didn't just turn into a human, romance, clop, or action story.
You need to practice and improve a lot. The keyword is PRACTICE. Also, read the various writing guides available. I can only award you 2/5 flutteryays.
2239369 okay, i'll be sure to take that to heart. the thing is that Card knows exactly who he is, nobody else in ponyville does though. Where did I give off the impression that he had amnesia? as for the plot thing, this part of the story is pretty slice-of-life and mainly just to set up how card acts and how everypony else acts around him along with bringing up parts of his backstory without actually telling about any of it. if Card seems just a bit mary-sueish, that's good he's supposed to come off as that. I have plans for him.
2239822
You've got a pretty tall order to fill. Here is the issue with your slice of life emphasis: you didn't sell the story on this premise. From the description you gave, the expectation is that this was going to be a fairly lively story. It's not pleasant to go into a story thinking that it's lively only to be immersed in dull tedium. It is much more interesting to go into a story expecting a ho-hum experience and then having your mind blown as it becomes awesome.
2239994 yeah, most of this and the next two chapters are set up to the drama and action parts.
When Card meet Celestia will it be sure Interesting^^
2270656 oh you have no idea.
2270783
No, I have not. But I hope to read it^^
Best iteration of Trixie ever. Out of all the 'excuses' I've heard/read since becoming a brony. Simply dealing with hecklers is perhaps the most ingenious. Simple and elegant. Great work.
Each time I open this fic I expect I'll grow bored and toss it to the sidelines. And each time I finish I'm glad I favorited it; and look forward to the next chapter.
One thing I should point out, though, is that Card seems to be becoming a bit of a Gary Stu. The Ursa Major conversation being one of the more glaring examples.
2306547 Perfect, he's supposed to come off as one.
2306833 Oh. Well all right then.
Oh boy. This Card can be random as Pinkie Pie.
2454706 Is that a compliment?
2456477
Of course, it is. How can I NOT complimenting your Story? She is, to hilarious
(What I know see is we have no happy Applejack Icon) And I like it how you rewrite the Episode's from the Serie.
2456520 She?
2456525
I mean the Story. Sorry, my English is not so good when I write
1. You do a GREAT Job.
2. He Is a little Insane. But it's exactly this what makes him interesting. (I wonder how he is, that he know what would have happen.)
3. The Background Story from the Girls are very Interesting.
4. I WANT MORE FROM THIS STORY!!!
I think you are so far the CRAZIEST Author I have read so far. I hope you make more from this
Did he say strap in or strap on
I know you are Crazy... but THIS is getting RIDICULOUS! Even for you. (I mean this positive
)
By the why... what is Klava?
3209634 The nectar of the gods. Look it up.
So many unexpected twists and turns
Although your other story had the better rating, this one seemed a lot more interesting, so I read a couple of the chapters (I decided to skip the first one since you said it wasn't a good gauge of your skill). Overall, there were more positives than negatives that I could see. I'll start with style & grammar:
Positives:
Good word choice. You're not using the average 8th grade level vocabulary that most of society uses. That's a huge plus.
Dialogue is well executed as a whole. The story is dense in it, yet the pacing is only slightly on the fast side. However, that sort of pacing works well for a story like this, so that's not a bad thing.
Good use of humor:
That one made me lawl.
The character you use here is surprisingly good for an OC. You give him flaws that are more abundant than his virtues, which is a nice change from the norm.
Negatives:
Awkward Narration. Your dialogue seems to flow well like a regular conversation, but the things between that seems forced a good deal of the time. Overuse of phrases denoting time used in rapid succession (and then, now, while, after, currently, etc) is a big no-no. It feels too repetitive. Also, the narrator should generally not be noticeable and should not be treated as a person. So giving them lines like "Good thing too" isn't good. Narrators don't have opinions, emotions, or a personality in most stories. It's distracting.
There are a lot of places you're missing commas. Remember, if there's a pause, there's probably a comma (not an iron-clad rule, but a good one).
The rest of your grammar was well done. Most of it was small things (after a spoken phrase that ends with a comma like: "Davenport is best pony," said Garbo", you don't want to capitalize the word "said".)
Now on to the storytelling. It wasn't quite as good as the writing style itself. The plot was a little monotonous, but on the other hand, it doesn't jump into a badly-paced action-adventure crapfic like many other OC stories seem to. You center it around a character with a lot of potential, and in that respect, the story is entertaining. I wouldn't say you nailed Twilight or the other canon characters, but you didn't have them say anything out of character, so you did a good job. One thing that was missing was any description of the setting. That's what you usually want to put in your first few paragraphs whenever there's a scene change, to at least briefly give the reader a picture of the setting.
However, I can't really pick on anything else, and I feel like there would be even more possitives if I were to continue reading this (if I have the time, I will). The story itself was the opposite of boring, despite the part I read being made up of entirely set-up chapters (hard to make those entertaining, but you did that well). You do a good job introducing the mane 6 naturally and well. The story concept of a new OC guy coming into town has been beaten to death, but this story is a different take on that and breaks the cliches associated. All in all, I'd say this story trends to the above average of this site's users, and is something you should definitely keep working on. It's rough around the edges, but a great read.
And that's the last thing. Congrats on sticking with a story for 60000 words. that's something I can't even come close to doing, at least not yet.
3268558 Thanks! I'll be sure to work on all of that. The only thing I disagreed with you on was the narrator, and that's really just a style choice on my end. I hate reading stuff with a detached narrator, it makes me feel like I'm listening to a lecture.
I expected a more... "freak out" reaction from Twilight. But I think she was just under shock from the news one of her friends is (more or less) Royalty and she had no idea.
What can I say? Another awesome Chapter.
The only criticism I have is: I hoped for a bigger fuzzy about the complet: "Celestia is Card's Auntie" thing.
Just gotta tell ya, that line made me giggle.
A wonderful and funny Chapter again. Cant wait to read what Rarity has in store to take revangeon Card^^
Welp, you've got me on board. Although I do think Card is a little borderline Gary Stu (as I have some trouble picking out any real flaws), I like the story nonetheless.
Of course I like this Chapter. And a big Surprise, too? I cant wait to see what it is.
I'm loving this story! Keep up the sexcellent work.
I want to know about the Hippo and the coconut. I must know!
Also, great job! I enjoy Card's outlook alot, and the way he handles all the problems. I want to know how he has all that stuff though...
THE CRAZYNESS WONT STOP!!
AND I LIKE IT!!
MOOORRREEE!!!
Im sorry i can't take this story anymore, just too damn random for my tastes!
For some reason, I feel like the moment they step into their home, Shining's going to say "Hey, lady! Get back in the kitchen."
Ha i love this so far. And i just love how much of an ass Card can be. Its alot bettee that having sunshine and rainbows all the time.
What?
...What?
Am I drunk or was my mind just blown?
Man. You are so good at sudden surprises!
Words cannot describe how much I love this story!
I am actually rather curious as to how she managed to burn frosting.
Your right it was short but well written as always, it still has that charm and humor that the story has possesed so far and its good. Its not the size of the ship it the motion of the ocean!!!!
‘The government thinks that I am now responsible enough to drink, who wants to go help me prove them wrong!’”
I need to say this! I need to find a way to say this, or have someone else say it!