A new comer named Shadow Mane, goes to ponyville, Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle reads a prophecy that makes her suspicious of the new pegisus, so she tries driving him away, Shadow Mane meets a mare named Violet Luminesce, he thinks no pony likes him, or maybe just one likes him...lets see
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Oh, not this shit again.
Ok. So, did I ever tell you about that amnesiac Mary-sue alicorn who woke up in the Everfree? Yes, the one that got raped to death with a baseball bat? By Celestia? No? Nevermind then.
Similar fate awaits your OC, my dear author. I'm not gonna go into details, for those details are quite gruesome. Suffice to say that it won't be pretty.
Celly is sick of this, all right? Those shitty OC's... It was kinda amusing when the first one showed up in Equestria. Alicorn, red and black color scheme, and all that. Poor Tia had no idea what was coming. So, so many of them. I mean, every time you mention a character with a description similar to yours in her presence, it makes her eye twitch.
Well, not any more. Good thing she has us now. You won't get through. We won't let you. Begone.
How the hell did this pass moderation in the first place?
2063509
They don't judge on the quality of the plot.
As long as it's got basic grammar it's fine.
2063534
Who are "they"?
2063541
The mods. As long as it's pony and you can read it it'll get past moderation.
2063546
You know, at this point I'm not even sure they actually look at it.
2063553
Ah, idk.
Of course, I'm sure that a few people will jump aboard the review train and show the author just how bad this is.
2063509
BRB WRITING CLOPFIC
Let me see...
Less than five hundred word chapters. Less than a thousand words work occasionally, but this... this is too short.
What else.
Split up your paragraphs. When a new person speaks go and start a new paragraph.
Ok. So what is this prophecy, and how do they know that your OC is out there? Eh? You. Must. Explain. The. Details. Because. It. Makes. People. Confused.
2063579
Do it!
Now. On to chapter two.
As a southerner, I wish to inform you that you wrote Applejack's accent terribly and it makes me want to hurt someone.
Ok. What. The. Fuck.
Seriously.
What is going on.
First your OC runs into Twilight then this other OC then he's a zombie slayer and he has this mood necklace and then Chyrsalis came and sprouted random bullshit.
Ok. So now even though they've never met this character they know about him. Oh boy.
I've given up trying to take this as serious.
Well this seems... pleasant...
This has got to be a trollfic. Please for the love of god be a trollfic.
2063509
Just be aware that asking how a fic got past the mods is considered insulting them, and is grounds for a temp-ban
5z8.info/pornnow_e8e1jx_nic_cage_naked
Just change human to non standard pony
2063674
I liek ur profil. Will u b my frend?
2063674
Well, I really don't think they should be able to do that, seeing how most of the fanfics that make their way through are abysmal. If they have any kind of quality control in place, then it's not being enforced, that's for sure.
2063689
Nope, no quality control, beyond being readable.
So long as it has the base minimum of grammar, and is vaguely related to ponies, it's to be allowed through to let the public judge it.
2063699
And if the public doesn't like it they (edit: the writers) complain to the mods...
2063699 Well shit. My suspicions have been confirmed.
DAT COVER ART
2063706
And they're not allowed to remove the story, based on quality alone.
If there isn't pony in there, it's fair game. Or if it's explicitly racist/whatever. But otherwise, it stays up.
2063711
I meant the writer complains to the mods...
2063718
Oh right, haha.
Yeah, that's a dick move.
2063710
*Dat cover "art"
Fixed that for you.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/34245526.jpg
Finally my boredom is going to be relieved for today. Congratulations, you have just won a bashing review, because this story needs one.
They have to protect their virginity from terrible o.c's like this one.
Yea Twilight, we are missing out on an awesome
group orgygame of FarkleFuck you, just fuck you.
Because Fluttershy yells, all the fucking time.
Yea they smoke a shit ton of pot. You'd be happy to if you were high in a colorful world.
Oh what a fucking sexy beast! I would fuck his horse cock in a minute.
Don't stare at rape victims, they get really nervous.
and you killed my father, prepare to die.
and then they fucked... By the way at this point I have no idea what the fuck is going on anymore. Your story makes no fucketh sense.
... he got a little bit of a chubby too.
Holy shit, did he have a chainsaw too? Hey dipshit, there aren't any zombies in the show, how could he have possibly been a zombie slayer?
Oh yes it is.
And she would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling ponies.
Fuck she must be good at persuasion.
FUCKING ALL CAPS BRAAAAAGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXCLAIMATION!!!!!!!!!
Hang on, are those...
Commas... fucking commas... that's the first time I have ever seen a typo like that. PROOFREAD!!!!!!!!EXCLAMATION!!!!!
You know what, fuck it. I'm done I don't have to see anymore. This is just awful, terrible, fucking retarded. I can go on all day. You have an O.C that is ridiculously stupid, your chapters are fucking two paragraphs each, and on top of all of this, you shit out a liquid brown substance you call plot. I feel insulted that stuff like this gets posted, we always have to deal with the shit smeared on the hoof of this site.
To make matters worse none of the mane six fit their characters, you basically told Apple Jack "Fuck you" with that shit attempt at southern accent. Have you ever heard a real southerner talk? Not like on the T.V because that shit is faked, there are even times I cringe a little at the show because the apple families accents are so put on, at least I can over look that because the show has actual depth to it.
To be fucking fair it isn't this. Holy shit, your story is so close to being that, this may actually serve as another example of what not to do in a story.
Final Verdict: Congratulations, you are just one fucking small step over complete shit.
Okay, lemme get this straight. The story starts with Twilight reading a book, then a Mary Sue, angsty little fuck 'zombie slayer' pops out of nowhere that everyone hates (I wonder why). The Chrysalis randomly appears before everyone starts trying to fight the angsty fucker and... um, and...
images.lazygamer.net/2012/11/Vaas.jpg
Yeah, this is weird as hell. I give up.
2063592oh hey, guess what, FUCK YOU, this is my first story so get off my fucking back
2065989 cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/26769267.jpg
Seriously, Thorlol gave you some constructive criticism. I'd hate to see you react to a comment that actually insults your story, like, well, my other one.
Let me give you some advice, since you're new. No one cares of it's your first story, people are going to judge what they see and no amount of excuses from the author can change that. Secondly, don't insult the readers or people in the comments (as you so wonderfully demonstrated). You're not going to win any fans by telling them to fuck off, are you?
2065989
Calm your tittles. Seriously, calm them down...
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQjTHM_IHL9oal0fl32XlYjmk2b1TyHLTpaTmQIgvVz25_PAxQc
Listen. I was doing you a favour, I could have just said 'Holy fuck this sucked' which, in all honesty, it did.
Ok. Let me lay some more on you.
I could hardly take the plot seriously after the second part, because it both moved to fast, nothing made sense. You were going at warp speed, you have left light way behind you in your wtf is going on here dust.
Write. Detail. Because this... is... a synopsis... not.... a... story
Like seriously, most people on the website are tired of OC characters with Super McCool names and no back stories.
Ok. Break up the story.
And paragraphs. Paragraphs are key, Every time a new character speaks sing it with me!
When a new character starts speaking
Hit enter twice
When you do a little time skip...
Hit enter twice....
Doo dee doo dooo deee dooo.
Next.
Say it with me now.
Periods are friends, not food.
You have... six different clauses in your sentence. If anything the most they should have is three. Once you start a new idea start a new sentence.
Who is the pony zombie slayer? I'm going to assume it's Shadow, but how are we supposed to know.
Then no interaction just crazy blushing. You're trying to do romance but it isn't working. Your character seems the awkward type, put him in an awkward situation, I could make a thousand word little skit about his awkward bumbling around her and her fangirling over her.
(I hope you're writing these downs, these are pure gold story ideas you know)
Should be 'And' sat on a couch.
Annndddd.... more evil things.
Oh boy. YOUR CHARACTER HARDLY INTERACTED WITH ANYONE AT ALL. IT'S NOT AS IF THEY'RE ALL UNFRIENDLY BECAUSE THE ONLY PONIES HE TALKED TO WERE PINKIE AND TWILIGHT.
Ok. And I'm going to try to break up all this dialogue.
Ok. Yep. I got that all down.
Ok. So, Shadow would join with someone who tried to take over Equestria, who randomly appeared at his house because who knows why, he's just a Pony Zombie Slayer with a mood ring in his chest.
Capitalize your I's. It's a proper pronoun. One does not simply have a lowercase I on its own.
And remember to capitalize the first word of every sentence, I thought that was kindergarten stuff.
Chapter two, whoody doo.
Ok. You do not need to CAPS LOCK THE WORD BLACK. Because that is not very good story telling.
Tense changes. They affect even some of the better authors. And trust me, keeping a constant tense can be hard. Go and read a few of the featured stories (not the undeserving clop ones but some of the great ones out there) to see how masters do it, then simply apply it to your own stories.
Also this line.
Just saying this right now but instead of 'was' the word should be 'were'
Ok. My next question.
How do they know each other. Like I said before. The only few ponies that your OC has interacted with are Pinkie, Twilight, and now Chrysalis. So how does he know Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash?
Ugh, swallow a thesaurus and look up some synonyms of evil. Maniacal, diabolical, etc etc.
How. Do. They. Know. His. Name?
And chapter three.
Anyhow, the way the first little bit is phrased it sounds like Ponyville 'was' engulfed for centuries. And armour is supposed to protect a certain object, I believe the word you are looking for is shield instead.
Something along the lines of
'Shadow Mane created a shield that would engulf Ponyville for centuries'
I'm going to ask you a few questions.
Is English your native language?
And how old are you?
I don't mean them as an insult, only to see how I'll treat you.
Add. A. Comedy. Tag. Because. This. Deserves. One.
"I am the master...of everything evil...nothing can get in my way, for i will destroy the day...i am the villainous villain...who says "villains can't ever win"? because with this armor, every pony will see...the world...BELONGS TO ME!" Shadow sang.
The six ponies made it to the tower of Shadow, the first floor had Tsu-Kan, Shadows best fighters, he knows pony-jitsu, karat-hay, and Buck-Boxing. "Let meh hayndle this"Excuse me, let me go and throw up because of Applejack's accent.
And yes. Applejack is one word.
Ah, also where did Shadow get Tsu-Kan? Another thing never explained.
SHOW US THE CONVERSATION FOR ALL THAT IS SACRED!
And also this mare randomly appeared out of no where, and then goes and flirts with some evil guy who's cray cray?
I detect high levels of bullshit.
Show versus tell.
You do realize I'm imagining this in a tall tower with the Elements of Harmony laying scattered in various states of semi conscience around the room and these two are just randomly chatting like everything is alright, eh?
Should be 'Will you accept our friendship'
And more synopsis in the last sentence.
Anyhow you need to work on your capitalization, word choice, tense, spelling errors run rampant across the story, you do realize you're supposed to click the little squiggly red line because unless it's a name of someone or something you probably misspelled it.
Anyhow, tallyhoo.
The comments make this retarded story worth checking out.
That's it; me, Glassed and inoeitall are riffing this thing here. Just pass the word to Fallen and other riffers if you see them.
2068547 oh hey, fuck you
2069079
Love you too, sweetie.
2068922
Hear hear!
2068922
Also well you're at it can you also do this?
Nightmare Star's Revenge... if story quality was a stair case then this would be the cupboard under the stairs.
2069427
We were actually gonna do that one as well, believe it or not... or at least as far of it as we can before our brains evaporate.
2069457
Mmm, save me a copy, those riffs will be pure gold.