“Look, all I’m saying is that he was a pretty big fan favorite,” Card said to Twilight, “The writers knew that, and so they started to give him more and more abilities that he didn’t have before, and it was starting to get out of hand.” Card and Twilight were sitting in the library, enjoying what had become a sort of daily ritual. Card would come to the library, Twilight would talk to him about the books he had her left the previous day, and they would get into a fun little debate about things in those books that they disagreed on while they read the new ones. Today’s debate was on one specific character in a series that Twilight had just finished. Card thought he was overpowered by the end of it, and Twilight thought that he had just gone through natural growth.
“I know that, but the others got ridiculous powers too,” Twilight rebutted, “The captain got a sudden boost in his aiming skills, the guard suddenly became a much better fighter.”
“Yes,” Card broke in, “But they all had reasons for their sudden increase in abilities. Captain actually started to train his aim more at the end of the previous book and as for the guard, he was never weak it’s just that he was never given a chance to fight until the enemy had already gotten strong enough to wipe the floor with him. Data, on the other hand, went from being hurt by a single story fall in the first book, to kinda being able to deflect arrows in the fourth, and in the eighth he can suddenly be fine from a three story drop, and arrows just bounce off of him at point blank range. All of this with no explanation at all.”
“Okay, true,” admitted Twilight, “But couldn’t they have just upgraded him in-between books?”
“Yes, I suppose that possible, but they never bring it up and you can’t give people credit for something they don’t acknowledge in the story. Either way, they took it to pretty extreme levels is all I’m saying. If he made it to the eleventh book, he’d probably be given rocket boots.”
“Oh, come on the writers wouldn’t go that f-” Twilight broke off, finally looking up at Card, “Do you hear something?” she asked.
“What you mean that rumbling noise? Yeah,” Card said with his nose still in his book.
“What do you think it is?”
“Well it sounds like a stampede of cattle heading straight into the heart of the town,” Card said nonchalantly.
“WHAT!!!” Twilight said freaking out, “We have to go stop them!”
“mmmmm...” Card said looking unsure if he wanted to put down his book, just to stop a little thing like a stampede.
“CARD!!!” Twilight yelled.
“Fine, ok,” Card sighed as he marked off his place in the book. “Let’s go, ladies first.” As soon as he opened the door, Twilight went running off toward the edge of town to try to stop the cows from reaching the city. Card sighed again and began to follow her at a much more leisurely pace.
By the time he got there, he saw that the cows had all been calmed down and Twilight was standing there next to a young mare with a blonde mane and a light orange coat. “Hey, Twinkly!” he called out, “Over here.”
“Where were you?” Twilight asked in a rather angry tone of voice.
“I was walking,” Card replied in a rather bored tone of voice. “And now that I am here, I can see that there was, in fact, no need for me to have stopped reading. Now then it’s almost lunchtime, pardon me ma’am,” he said turning to look at the mare whose name he didn’t know. “Is there someplace in this town that serves food that isn’t covered in sugar?”
“Why Twilight, who’s your friend?”
“Oh Applejack, this is Card.” Twilight turned away from Card to tell Applejack about her newest friend. “He’s the first pony to have ever come to the library to read, and he’s also the one who convinced me to talk to you about how you acted a week ago, about the tickets.”
“Oh, that was you?” Applejack turned to Card. “Well thank you kindly, if Granny Smith had seen me acting like that she would have been so ashamed at me. I still can’t believe that I had acted like that over just a possible business deal.”
“Yeah no problem,” Card said with a rather distracted look on his face, “Look, can you answer my question?”
“Oh, about the food place?”
“Yeah that one,” Card said, still looking like he was trying very hard to remember something.
“Oh, well if you just go down this road aways, and take your fourth right you’ll come to a nice little cafe, with some amazing sandwiches.” Applejack said.
“That’ll do nicely, thank you.”
“Happy to be of help. Maybe you could come over to my stall sometime. We have the best apples in all of Equestria. It’s just past the main entrance of town” Applejack said with a smile on her face.
“Yeah, I’ll be sure to do that.”
“So long.”
“Yeah,” Card said. “Yeah, goodbye Jackie.” He turned around. “Come on Twinkly, lunch is on me.”
“What?” Twilight asked as she turned around to follow him, “No it’s not, I can pay for myself.”
“Yeah, but,” Card rebutted, “You payed for me last time. I’m just returning the favor.”
“Oh, that’s not necessary,” Twilight said.
“Yes it is. I always pay my debts.”
“Well you don’t-”
This continued until they reached the cafe and took their seats. After the food had come Twilight asked him about something that had been bothering her. “Card?”
“Umm-hmm” Card said looking up from his food, “What is it, Twinkly?”
“Well,” Twilight began, unsure of how to phrase her question, “How did you know that my friends would react to me telling them off like the way you told me to so well. You didn’t know most of them, and they’re all pretty different.”
“Oh, is that all?” Card said returning his attention to the mashed potatoes in front of him. “Well, that’s simple. I may not know how your friends behave, but I do know how ponies in general behave. After all, I would be a pretty bad psychiatrist if I didn’t.”
“Wait, you’re a psychiatrist?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah,” Card replied. “Why?”
“How old are you?” Twilight asked with a look of shock on her face.
“23.”
“What!” Twilight exclaimed.
“Yeah. How old are you?” Card asked with a curious look on his face.
“I’m 21,” Twilight said distractedly, “You’re really a full psychiatrist? A doctor? Really?”
“Yeah, got my M.D. last year.”
“Wow!” Twilight said with a look of awe. “That’s incredible.”
“Glad to have impressed.” Card said with a look of immense self-satisfaction, “Now is that all?”
“Well...” Twilight trailed off remembering another little thing, “What was with the way you acted around Applejack? It was really strange.”
“Oh, well she just reminded... me...” Card got a sudden look of understanding on his face and burst out, “She’s the demon baby!” Card then took out a stack of bits, threw them on the counter, and said “I can’t believe I almost forgot!”
“Wha-” Twilight said, but that’s all she was able to get out before Card ran out of sight, heading towards the town entrance. Twilight sighed, counted the bits he left, decided that they were enough to cover for their meals, and then left to follow him. This must be how he felt when I ran off, she thought.
-----Meanwhile at the town entrance-----
“Hey!” Card yelled as soon as he saw what he assumed to be the apple cart. “Jackie! I have a message for you!”
Applejack turned around to see a stallion racing towards her yelling at the top of his lungs. When he got close enough she recognized him as the stallion who was with Twilight an hour ago. “Howdy,”
“Yeah, yeah howdy,” said a breathless Card.
“Wow, you look like you could use a drink.” Applejack rummaged around her cart for a while before pulling out a jug. “Here, have soon apple juice.” Card tossed her a couple of bits, then grabbed the jug away, chugging it down.
While he was doing that, she asked him about the message he was yelling about.
“Oh, oh yeah.” Card said, “Really good apple juice, this is.”
“The message?” Applejack asked assuming it to be some order he was told to give to her from Twilight. What it was however, shocked her.
“Brick told me to tell you that he wants his hat back.” With that done, Card turned around and said, “Well, I feel pretty tired. Hey if Twilight comes looking for me tell her I went home. Kthanksbye,” he said as he walked off, leaving a shocked Applejack behind him.
A few minutes later, Twilight arrived to see said shocked Applejack and said,
“What’s wrong? Did Card do something? I would have been here sooner but Mayor Mare wanted to talk to me. Also, she wants to give you a medal.” Applejack shook herself out of her stupor upon hearing her friends voice and said,
“No, no. Ah just.. He just told me somethang I never expected ta hear.” Turning back to her friend she then said, “Now what was that about a medal?”
“Well you see..”
-----The next day, at Applejacks intervention-----
“Yes, Twilight,” Applejack said with a sigh of defeat. “Yes please, I could really use your help.” Twilight gave a little chuckle then turned around, only to turn around again when she heard a gasp.
“What, Applejack?” Twilight asked, “What is it?
“Where’s Winona?” Applejack started to panic, “Winona! Winona!” At this everybody started to look around, but with no luck.
“Ok,” Twilight said, “When was the last time you saw her?”
“At the bunny stampede,” Applejack said, distraught.
“Ok, lets go into town and see if we can find her there.”
“Okay, let’s go!!!” They went into town, spread out to cover more room with the understanding that they would regroup at Twilights tree after an hour and started to ask around.
“Oh hey. Twinkly, where were you today? I was beginning to think that you had moved without telling me.” Card said jokingly. He then looked up from his book, and saw what was standing at the door, “What’s going on? Why do you all look so sad?” he asked.
“Oh, hey Card.” Twilight said in a defeated tone of voice. “We’re trying to find Applejack’s dog, and we haven’t had any luck.”
“Oh, is that all?” Card asked. “You just need to find a dog? That’s not so hard to do.”
“Oh yeah,” snapped Rainbow Dash, “I’d like to see you do it.”
“Challenge accepted.” And with that card took a piece of metal out of his jacket, stepped out the door, put the metal to his lip and blew.
“...Well, we’re waiting.” Rainbow Dash said smugly before turning back to her friends, “See, he couldn’t do it either. Now let’s head out again s-”
Then came a loud “Woof, Woof” from the streets, and closely following behind the sound was…
“Winona!” said an overjoyed Applejack as she took her dog up into her hooves. She then turned to Card and said “Thank you, Thank you so much! How can I repay you?”
“A few gallons of that juice would be nice,” said Card as he looked at the scene with a bemused expression.
“You got it!” said Applejack. “Oh, Winona, don’t you ever do that again!” While Applejack was admonishing her dog, Rainbow Dash was doing a very good impression of a fish.
“But- but- you- dog-” She looked at Card and managed to force out “How?” He just lifted up his hoof and said,
“Dog whistle. Very useful.”
“What?” Rainbow Dash burst out, “Why did you have that?”
At this Card gave a bit of a sheepish grin and just said, “That’s a bit of a long story, I’m afraid. Oh hey look at the time, gotta go, bye!” he said as he ran out.
“I don’t trust that colt,” Rainbow Dash said, only to be ignored by her friends who were still celebrating the return of Winona. After a brief celebration, they all returned to their homes, and went to bed to await tomorrow. All of them, except Applejack who lay awake in bed thinking about the strange stallion.
Ah can’t believe that Ah forgot to ask him how he knew Brick. Ah guess Ah was just so happy when he got Winona to come back. After this Applejack reached inside of her hat and pulled out a picture. On it was one little yellow red-headed filly, one medium sized orange filly with blonde hair, and two big red colts, one with an apple-red coat and a blonde mane, one with a coat dark red as blood, a white mane and an uneasy look. When are you coming back? she thought sadly. After looking at this photo for a while Applejack carefully put it back into her stetson and went to sleep, dreaming of the past.
That Story becomes more and more weird. In a good way, of course.
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initial impressions are.... ugh. It's definitely not something I'd write. Of course, I am a crazy russophile war nut. Even my romance fic has militarism.
Criticism sledgehammer inbound!
First things first, double space between your paragraphs. It is much harder to read walls of text. It is also much less enjoyable to read them.
The second complaint is about your characters. I don't know who they are or where they came from, but those are not the mane 6. They just do not act like that. I can't imagine any of them, with the possible exceptions of Applejack and Pinkie Pie, behaving as you've written them. Spike with a butterfly net. WHAT? Домой, дети, вы пьянные. I advise going back and turning most, if not all of the characters into OC's. You have dependable, sufficiently effective characterization, but the character traits do not match those of the canon characters whose names you are using. They all seem too verbose, especially Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash. However, I see that you're using the Alternate Universe tag, so I'll just let it slide for now and let you figure out what to do. Card, your main original character, is fine, although he seems a bit Mary Sueish. I admittedly like the idea of a confused stallion who doesn't know who he is or how he got there. You have some other OC's, although I either completely forgot about them because their roles in the story have been so minor that they didn't register, or I simply couldn't be bothered to care about ambulatory 2D plot devices with speech. Keep your cast focused on characters that matter. Adding in too many characters, especially ones that are boring or flat, is a bad idea. That reminds me: all your characters talk too much. You need to imply more with body language or elipsis instead of spelling everything out with dialogue or narration.
The third point I would like to hit is your plot. More accurately, I cannot detect one. Even though your chapters are short, I still get the distinct feeling that you are just stalling for time. It's starting to get annoying because you're roughly 10,000 words in and nothing seems to be happening. That's the point at about which even the most patient and engrossed readers are going to quit. In the short description, you said that your OC has a problem with Pinkie Pie. That's interesting enough to get a reader started, but not enough to justify wading through over nine thousand words of sludge. I came here to read about Card's hi-jinks and see the results of Pinkie Pie tampering with the universe. Where is Pinkie Pie? Is anything going to happen? Get a move on!
Problem number four is your pacing. This is a tricky one because you are seemingly indecisive about how you want to pace your story. Your writing style is well suited for writing long, meandering tales. However, your scenes are short and choppy and your chapters are also short. If you are going to brief, then tighten up your narrative. If you are going to be verbose, then take your time. It's supremely strange to read a story where the narrative style is relaxed, but all the scenes are truncated. It's a supremely mixed message; imagine seeing a sexy girl in a miniskirt and a bikini top wearing a purity ring.
Issue five: Your mechanics. I don't know if you're just being careless or if your grasp of English is incomplete, but you make a lot of noticeable errors in mechanics. Your diction also has problems. I've seen you use words which sound and are spelt fairly similarly, but mean very different things. In chapter four, you said "Here, have soon apple juice." Что же ты значишь? Go back over it and proofread.
You will soon see the wonderful difference good formatting can make.
Now let's talk about the things you did well.
The concept is interesting. I cannot tell whether or not Card is meant to be originally a pony or some other sort of creature. He seems just as confused by everything as you would expect a being without memory to be, so that's something you did well. I also like how you try to construct a personality for Card and include character development. An interesting story is ultimately one that makes us care about, although not necessary like, the characters. You are doing a fair job at that, but you simply need a lot of practice. Continue to write.
The story never gets boring, which is a plus. It was not taxing to read your 9K words, although 9K words should never be hard to do. The story is a little memorable, if only for the reason that I don't recall anybody else trying to do something like this that didn't just turn into a human, romance, clop, or action story.
You need to practice and improve a lot. The keyword is PRACTICE. Also, read the various writing guides available. I can only award you 2/5 flutteryays.
2239369 okay, i'll be sure to take that to heart. the thing is that Card knows exactly who he is, nobody else in ponyville does though. Where did I give off the impression that he had amnesia? as for the plot thing, this part of the story is pretty slice-of-life and mainly just to set up how card acts and how everypony else acts around him along with bringing up parts of his backstory without actually telling about any of it. if Card seems just a bit mary-sueish, that's good he's supposed to come off as that. I have plans for him.
2239822
You've got a pretty tall order to fill. Here is the issue with your slice of life emphasis: you didn't sell the story on this premise. From the description you gave, the expectation is that this was going to be a fairly lively story. It's not pleasant to go into a story thinking that it's lively only to be immersed in dull tedium. It is much more interesting to go into a story expecting a ho-hum experience and then having your mind blown as it becomes awesome.
2239994 yeah, most of this and the next two chapters are set up to the drama and action parts.