After Twilight had gotten her legs back underneath her, she informed the stallion that he was going the wrong way. He then promptly stopped, let go of her hoof, and turned around so fast that she had to slam her back hooves into the ground so hard that she made grooves in the road in order to stop herself from crashing into him. She then turned them onto the correct path, or at least what she thought was the correct path, and they were now heading merrily on their way to the restaurant. Along the way they struck up a conversation about their favorite books.
"I like to read biographies of famous ponies. It enthralls me to be walked through their lives, to see all these historical figures as just normal ponies. It's almost surreal," said Twilight. "What type of book do you like?"
"Well," said the firey stallion, "I honestly enjoy all manner of stories, even childrens books. though I would have to say that my favorite genre by far is science fiction, or speculative fiction as a whole. It amazes me what so many different people think of the outcome that our species is heading towards, from crushing tyranny to paradise. All the possibilities boggle the mind, don't you think."
"Well I couldn't really say, I honestly never read very much science fiction.”
"WHAT!!!" yelled out the stallion, "Really?"
"Really," said Twilight, "Never interested me all that much"
"Oh you have no idea what you’re missing. Tell you what next time I head to the library I will bring some books that I think you should read, ok?”
"Ok," responded Twilight, slightly taken aback by his passionate display.
"Great! Now then, where’s this restaurant you were talking about?"
"Well it should be-" Twilight suddenly stopped and took her first good look around in 10 minutes. "Not here. Where are we?"
"Are you saying we're lost?"
"No... well okay kinda."
"Oh well, I remember-" At this the stallion got a strange look on his face and stopped talking.
"Uh, remember what." The stallion shook his head and then said.
"I remember all the turns you took to g- DODGE!!!"
"Wha-" was all that Twilight could say before being lifted up onto his back and being moved at what felt like a hundred miles per hour. Good thing too because right afterwards, there was a loud *THUMP* and an oddly shaped hole right where they were standing.
Out of the hole came a faint "Owwwww."
After dropping the shocked Twilight, the stallion rushed over to the hole and said, "Hey can you tell us where to find... umm...," He turned towards Twilight, "What was the name of the restaurant that we were heading to?"
"SugarCube Corner."
"Thanks. Can you tell us how to get to SugarCube Corner?"
A figure climbed out of the hole. "I know that voice," it said.
It looked around. "Twilight! I haven't seen you since the party last week, where have you been?"
"Oh hi Rainbow. I've been in the library. Where is this place?" asked Twilight.
"This is my training grounds."
"Oh. Well, that explains all the holes in the ground. Anyway, wouldn't that be training skies?" said the stallion.
"Twilight, you never told me you had a coltfriend." said Rainbow Dash, ignoring the stallion.
"Wha- he's not my-" sputtered Twilight
"Oh, first date then?" While Twilight’s tongue continued to attempt to tie itself into knots, the stallion decided to speak up.
"Oh no, it's not a date. You see, Twinkly here was nice enough to offer to show me where a decent restaurant was, but due to my going in the wrong direction, we seem to be lost. So back to my original question, do you know where SugarCube Corner is?"
"Uh yeah, it's just past the town hall. Here let me show you." Rainbow Dash pulled a map out from one of her saddlebags. "We're here, and S.C.C. is right here. Now tell me how did you get little Twi to come out o-" Rainbow Dash looked up from her map and saw the stallion dragging off Twilight who was still doing her best impression of a motor trying to start. The stallion called out over his shoulder.
"Okay, thanks, bye, see you around Rainy."
"Jerk. Who just ignores the best flyer in Equestria like that. Really," muttered Rainbow Dash while she was getting prepped to attempt the trick again. When she was in the sky however she got distracted by a stray thought and nearly fell down again. Wait, did he just call me... Rainy!?
-----Seamless Transition-----
“So that Rainy mare was one of your friends?”
“Yeah. She helped me def-” Twilight halted for a moment here, not wanting to chase her potential friend away by telling him that she was a Bearer of Harmony, “Out of a tight spot a while ago.”
“Oh really. Huh,” the stallion shrugged his shoulders and kept walking, “So if Rainy’s map was right then the restaurant should be just around the next corner.”
“Ah, here it is,” said Twilight. “ SugarCube Corner.”
“Finally, I can get some food.” the stallion opened up the door, “Mares first.”
“Thank you.”
“So do we go up to the counter and order or just si-”
*HHHAAAAHHHH*
“Oh please god no,” prayed the stallion as he put his head in his hooves, “Anyone but her.”
“OHMYCELESTIAITSYOUMRSTRANGERIDIDNTGETYOURNAMEBEFOREORYOURADDRESSSOICOULDNTTHROWYOUAWELCOMINGPARTYWHENISAWYOUBUTYOUWERENICEENOUGHTOCOMEFINDMENOWICANTHROWYOUABIGPARTYWITHSTREAMERSANDCAKEANDBALLOONSANDCAKEANDCONFETTIANDCAKEAN-” the hyperactive mare took a breath and the stallion seized the opportunity.
“WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP YOU HYPERACTIVE FUCKWIT!” At this the hyperactive mare got a shocked look on her face and ran up the stairs. The entire restaurant went quiet.
“Thank you,” said the stallion then with a emotional drift speed that would impress Takumi Fujiwara he turned back to a stunned Twilight. “Now back to what I was saying, do we go up to the counter to order, or just sit down and wait to be served.”
“W- we just sit down.” Twilight said
“Ok then let’s see they have on the menu. Hayburgers, Prench Fries, hey, why is the dessert section 3 pages long and the meal part only-”
“Uh. Excuse me.”
“Yeah.”
“What the Tartarus was that?” Twilight said, barely keeping control over herself.
“What was what?”
“Don’t you what me! what was that outburst just now that you threw at Pinkie Pie. You look like you seriously hurt her feelings.”
“So her name is... Pinkie Pie,” the stallion said with a scrunched up face.
“Yes and you should go up there and apologize for what you ju-”
The stallion erupted into laughter, barely staying in his chair. This not only interrupted Twilight but it derailed her train of thought.
After a while however the glow receded and the stallion stopped laughing so outrageously, so he was able to say, “Ok, the reason why I just exploded at *teehee* Pinkie Pie is because I have tried literally everything else to get her to leave me alone.”
“So, you’ve met before?” asked Twilight.
“Yeah, almost everytime I came into Ponyville she would pop up and do, well, basically what you just saw her do. I have tried everything to get her to leave me alone. I’ve tried asking, I’ve tried begging, I’ve tried bribes, I’ve tried threats, this is the first time I’ve gotten her to leave me alone without having to lose her in the crowd. Wherever I could find one at least, stupid under-crowded suburbia. I shudder to imagine what might have happened if she found out where I lived. Yeesh.”
“That’s still no excuse for causing a scene in a public place. Especially not in her house. you were seriously out of line,” said Twilight while trying to mimic the tone that Celestia would use with her when she got into trouble.
“Yeah, I know. I just- I just really really hate ponies like her. *sigh* Look, next time i come into town I’ll swing by this place and apologize to her. Ok?”
“Yeah, ok,” Twilight said while she made a mental note to ask what he meant by ‘Ponies like Pinkie Pie.’ (Frankly the thought of there being more then one of her made Twilight shiver.) “So what are you getting?” After they had finished eating their food, the Stallion said that he had to get going.
“What, already? You haven’t even had dessert yet,” said Twilight.
The check came, and the instant it hit the table the stallion picked it up. “I’ll pay.”
“No no, I can pay,” said Twilight, gearing up for one of the arguments she always had with her brother about paying for their food, but then she was surprised.
“Ok, we can split the check if you want,” said the stallion.
“Oh... Ok,” said Twilight shocked and slightly disappointed that the argument she was gearing up for wouldn’t come.
“I can walk you home if you like.”
“Ok sure.”
The trip back to the house was filled with a conversation about one of the few books they had both read, Harvest Moon.
“Look all I’m saying is that there’s no way it could have done that if it were purple!”
“...Maybe. Oh hey look we’re back.”
“Cool. I’ll swing by in a week or so to return the books and to bring you mine.”
“And...?”
*sigh* “And to apologize to Pie”
“Good. So long... uh-” said Twilight, slightly confused.
“What’s wrong?” asked the stallion, a curious look on his face.
“Well,” Twilight said, blushing “I just realized that you never told me your name.”
“Oh,” said the stallion. “I thought I was forgetting something. Well, you can call me Card.”
“Ok, so long Card. Good night,” said Twilight.
“Yeah you too,” Card said over his shoulder as he headed out. Twilight walked into her tree, said good night to Spike, who was standing just behind the door holding another net- “Just in case the thief comes back!”- and went to her bedroom.
Well today was a lot of fun, she thought. Made a friend and I didn’t even have to get almost killed this time. Well maybe if you count that part with Rainbow Dash. How did he move so fast anyway? Speaking of today's weirdness, where could he possibly live that Pinkie wasn’t able to find him? And also how did he get his books? He never picked them up, I certainly never saw him carrying them around today. Ah, well maybe I *Yawn* I.. I should ask him wh- “*Snore*” was as far as she got before sleep overtook her.
Hmmm... A Mystery Stallion? Interesting...
Willing to bet mystery stallion was once human.
Although your other story had the better rating, this one seemed a lot more interesting, so I read a couple of the chapters (I decided to skip the first one since you said it wasn't a good gauge of your skill). Overall, there were more positives than negatives that I could see. I'll start with style & grammar:
Positives:
Good word choice. You're not using the average 8th grade level vocabulary that most of society uses. That's a huge plus.
Dialogue is well executed as a whole. The story is dense in it, yet the pacing is only slightly on the fast side. However, that sort of pacing works well for a story like this, so that's not a bad thing.
Good use of humor:
That one made me lawl.
The character you use here is surprisingly good for an OC. You give him flaws that are more abundant than his virtues, which is a nice change from the norm.
Negatives:
Awkward Narration. Your dialogue seems to flow well like a regular conversation, but the things between that seems forced a good deal of the time. Overuse of phrases denoting time used in rapid succession (and then, now, while, after, currently, etc) is a big no-no. It feels too repetitive. Also, the narrator should generally not be noticeable and should not be treated as a person. So giving them lines like "Good thing too" isn't good. Narrators don't have opinions, emotions, or a personality in most stories. It's distracting.
There are a lot of places you're missing commas. Remember, if there's a pause, there's probably a comma (not an iron-clad rule, but a good one).
The rest of your grammar was well done. Most of it was small things (after a spoken phrase that ends with a comma like: "Davenport is best pony," said Garbo", you don't want to capitalize the word "said".)
Now on to the storytelling. It wasn't quite as good as the writing style itself. The plot was a little monotonous, but on the other hand, it doesn't jump into a badly-paced action-adventure crapfic like many other OC stories seem to. You center it around a character with a lot of potential, and in that respect, the story is entertaining. I wouldn't say you nailed Twilight or the other canon characters, but you didn't have them say anything out of character, so you did a good job. One thing that was missing was any description of the setting. That's what you usually want to put in your first few paragraphs whenever there's a scene change, to at least briefly give the reader a picture of the setting.
However, I can't really pick on anything else, and I feel like there would be even more possitives if I were to continue reading this (if I have the time, I will). The story itself was the opposite of boring, despite the part I read being made up of entirely set-up chapters (hard to make those entertaining, but you did that well). You do a good job introducing the mane 6 naturally and well. The story concept of a new OC guy coming into town has been beaten to death, but this story is a different take on that and breaks the cliches associated. All in all, I'd say this story trends to the above average of this site's users, and is something you should definitely keep working on. It's rough around the edges, but a great read.
And that's the last thing. Congrats on sticking with a story for 60000 words. that's something I can't even come close to doing, at least not yet.
Hmm, odd to curse at Pinkie, he doesn't strike me as someone who would do that...
And what was with the sparkly jacket?