“Yeah, because there’s no way a pony would ever have sex with a robot,” Card said rolling his eyes, sarcasm so thick it’d take a chainsaw to cut through. “I mean: Animals, vegetables, rocks, things that vibrate, and conveniently sized holes sure, but a submissive android who looks exactly like a beautiful mare? Never!” Card took on a mock aghast look.
“Well maybe he has some self-control,” Trixie shot back in defense of the book’s protagonist, “What do think Twilight?”
“Uh- duh- mm-” Twilight was unfortunately unable to respond, due to her brain trying to process all of the imagery that Card just brought up, and her face flaring up because of each one to the point that there was some smoke coming off her horn. Card and Trixie took one at her predicament and did what any good friends would have done. They immediately put their hooves up on the table for balance to avoid falling due to excessive laughter. As Card’s laughs began to peter out to chuckles, he went off to the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” Trixie asked in between laughs and gasps for air.
“I’m going to go get some ice water and shove Twinkly’s horn in it.” Card responded.
While he goes off to do that, it occurs to me that I should probably provide you with some context for what just happened. You see, it’s currently Friday afternoon and on Friday afternoons, Twilight, Trixie, and Card like to grab a random book off the shelves of the fiction section and take turns reading aloud from it, and comment on it as they go along. Today’s book was about a mere finding her husband after 5 years, on a far-away planet after one of his research expeditions lead to him being stranded there. While he was there he came across a mare android and with her help eked out a life in the desolate wasteland. When his wife found him, she thought he might have cheated on her, to which he responded by saying that since she’s an android, he would never sleep with her. This lead to Card’s earlier comment, which lead to an overheating Twilight Sparkle and a laughing Trixie Lulamoon. There, you get all of that? Good, because Card just came back into the room, balancing a cup of ice water on his head.
“Trixie, a little help please?” Card called out. Trixie used her magic to levitate the cup over to Twilight and dump it onto her head.
“You feel better?” Trixie said to a sputtering Twilight.
“Yes, the feeling of ice all over my head felt just fantastic,” Twilight snarked, secretly relieved to have be shocked out of her trance, as she levitated a towel over. As she turned her head to put the towel on, she caught a flash of orange and white outside her window. As the towel dropped onto the floor, she rushed over to open her door and call her friends in from the storm. “Applejack! Rarity!” she yelled.
“Jackie and who?” Card said as walked over to the door. Upon getting a good look, his eyes widened. “Holy shit!” he swore as he got a good look around, “Who put that picnic table there?! Oh, and also when did it start raining?” He got no answer to either of these questions, as Twilight was too busy herding her friends in through the door.
“Thank ya kindly for yer hospitality,” Applejack said courteously. “Oh howdy Trixie, Card.”
Rarity turned towards Applejack and snottily said, “Uh, do be a polite house guest and go wash up please, won’t you?”
As Applejack grumbled out a response to that and turned around to go hose her hooves off, Trixie got up and said, “I can help you out with that.”
“Why thank y’all.” Applejack said, before shooting a glare at Rarity. “Good to know some ponies still care about others needs.” As her and Trixie both went outside, Twilight started to talk to Rarity about maybe her and Applejack staying over.
“Oh,” Twilight said, remembering that she currently had company and turned to Card. “Of course you can stay too.”
“Huh?” Card asked, having only half heard that. Most of his attention was still on figuring out how that picnic table got there. “What was that?”
“Would you like to spend the night?” Twilight asked.
“Oh yeah, sure.” Probably got flipped all the way here from the picnic ground by an angry stallion with fantastic aim. Satisfied with the explanation he made up, he turned back to the library.
“YAY!” Twilight yelped as she started to flip through her book, “Okay, step one: Makeovers.”
-----After Applejack and Trixie finished washing off Applejack’s hooves, they went back inside to find...-----
“What in tarnation?” Applejack gasped, seeing Rarity apply some kind of green gunk onto Twilight’s... eyelid? Wouldn’t that just make it go into her eyes when she opened them? Oh well, what do I know. Anyway, Trixie also walked in on the same sight, but her reaction was markedly different.
“Ooohh, Facials,” Trixie said with a smile. “Can I get some of that?”
“Sure darling.” Rarity went over to apply some of the... slime, I think, to Trixie.
“Now wait just a gol-darn minute. Ya make me wash the mud off my hooves, but it's okay for y'all to have mud all over yer faces?” Applejack sai- Wait that’s supposed to be mud?! What type of mud is green?! Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be narrating.
“Silly! This is called a mud mask. It's to refresh and rejuvenate your complexion.” Rarity explained.
“We're giving each other makeovers! Eee-hee! We have to do it, it says so in the book.” Twilight said with a childlike glee as she levitated said book over to Applejack.
“Slumber 101: Everything You...” Applejack read, before taking on a shocked expression. She started to leave, saying “Oh hey, heh, would'ja look at the time. I gotta skidaddle on home quick. I'm powerful late for, uh, fer somethin'. Uh, g'night.” She ran out the door, saw a bolt of lightning, screamed, and ran right back in. “Or maybe I'll sit here for a spell,” she said with an absolutely terrified expression.
“Hooray slumber party!”
Trixie tried to convince Applejack to join in. “Come on Applejack, it’s not so bad.”
“Besides Applejack, you don’t want to ruin Twilight’s first slumber party do you?” Rarity asked accusingly.
“Well...” Applejack looked around for some reason to not have to cover her face in that sludge, no I am not calling it mud. Her eyes fell upon Card. “Why don’t Card hafta put one on?”
“They tried,” Card said as he munched on a cucumber, “I kept on wiping it all off.” He gestured to the pile of green-stained tissues next to him.
“Well if Card don’t need to put that stuff on, I ain’t neither!” Applejack said adamantly.
“Come on, please!” Twilight said with her eyes in full puppy dog mode.
“No!” Applejack shook her head. “I’m sorry Twilight, but nuthin y’all could say will convince me to put that gunk on mah face.”
Twilight just opened her eyes wider.
-----Five minutes later-----
“...You all look ridiculous.” Card chuckled as he looked up from his book.
“Oh you be quiet!” Applejack snapped out, her blush so bright it was visible through the layers of slime on her face. “How much longer do Ah need to leave this on?” she asked Rarity with a pleading tone of voice.
“Oh, only a few more minutes. Unfortunately, somepony ate the cucumber so we can’t go through a full facial,” Rarity said as she shot a death glare at Card.
Card, completely ignoring the attempt at intimidation, turned to Twilight as he marked off his point in the book. “So, what are we doing after this?”
“Oh, let me check!” Twilight levitated the book over the herself. “After makeovers we’re supposed to... Tell scary stories! Oh this is so exciting! We’ll do everything by the book, and then this slumber party will be officially fun!” Twilight said with an excited clap of her hooves.
“I’m pretty sure officially fun is an oxymoron,” Card muttered, thankfully escaping Twilight’s earshot.
“Okay, time’s up,” Rarity announced.
“Phew,” went Applejack as she wiped the slime off of her face. “Thank Celestia we’re done with...”
“Now it’s time for the curlers!”
“Ahh, horseapples.” Applejack swore.
-----Five more minutes later-----
“Okay, makeovers check!” Twilight said as she poofed away the curlers. “Now, who wants to go first for ghost stories?”
“Me!” Applejack volunteered, “I'd like to tell y'all the terrifying tale of the prissy ghost who drove everypony crazy with her unnecessary neatness. Oo-oo! I'm sure y'all are familiar with that one?” She said drenched in sarcasm, her eyes never leaving Rarity’s.
Rarity took it in stride and replied with a barb of her own. “Never heard of it, but I have a much better one. It's the horrifying story of the messy, inconsiderate ghost who irritated every pony within a hundred miles! Oo-oo!”
“That’s not a real story, you made that up!” Applejack said as she got up into Rarity’s face.
“It’s a ghost story, they’re all made up.” Rarity shot back condescendingly. The two mares appeared to be close to blows, but fortunately they were interrupted by a crash of thunder, and the lights going off.
“AHH!” Went the two mares, before Twilight got between them with a lantern.
“I've got one!” she enthusiastically said. “This story is called The Legend of the Headless Horse.” After taking some time to huddle around the lantern, everyone watched as she started her story.
“It was a dark and stormy night, just like this one. And three ponies were having a slumber party, just like this one...”
-----One Sleepy-Hollow ripoff later,-----
“...and just when the last pony thought she was safe, there, standing right behind her, just inches away was -- the Headless Horse!” Twilight screamed for, standing there, just behind her, was a horse with blood coming out of it’s stump of a neck. As Twilight, Rarity, and Applejack screamed and grabbed hold of one another, they heard laughter. Trixie and Card were rolling along the floor, laughing so hard that they nearly lost their heads.
“Oh... oh...” Trixie panted as she dispelled the illusion, “You three should have seen your faces.”
“Nice one!” Card said as he raised his leg for a high hoof.
“That was not very nice!” Twilight said.
“Ohh?” Card asked as he raised an eyebrow, “Tell me Twinkly, what were you planning to do with that?” Card gestured at the blanket Twilight had put behind her with the intention of using it to scare her friends.
“Well, anyway,” Twilight coughed out, embarrassed over having fallen for her own intended trick, “Ghost stories, check. Now then, who want S’mores?!”
“I don’t know,” Card said as he pointed at Rarity, “We’d need a lot graham crackers and chocolate if we want to cover that marshmallow.”
Now it was Applejack’s turn to fall over laughing, as Rarity started to blush.
“Wha- How dare you?!” she stammered out, alas, to no avail as Card was busy helping Twilight and Trixie set up the ingredients.
“Come on, Rarity, Applejack,” Twilight yelled out. “It’s time to start cooking!”
As Applejack picked herself up, and Rarity recomposed herself, they went over to help Twilight make S’mores.
-----You all know how to make S’mores right? Good, then I can skip this part-----
“And done!” Rarity said as she looked up from her perfectly symmetrical s’more. “Ta-da!” She said with a flourish.
“Ooohh,” Twilight went as she admired the hors d'oeuvre.
“Impressive,” Trixie said, talking about Rarity’s showmanship, not her ability to put things onto other things.
Applejack, hoofing her roasting marshmallows over to Card, went to the table and ate the treat.
“Mmm-mmm!” she went with a supremely satisfied look on her face. *burrp!*
Rarity let out a sigh, saying, “You could at least say excuse me.”
“Aw, I was just ‘bout to, but you interrupted me. Pardon,” Applejack said flatly.
While those two glared at each other, Card split the rest of the marshmallows with Trixie. As they stuffed them into their mouths, Twilight went over to her book and marked off what they had just done. “S’mores, check. Now the next item of fun we have to do is Truth or Dare.”
Upon hearing this, Card’s ears perked up. “Truth or Dare?” he said as he swallowed the gooey marshmallow innards. “I love that game!” he went over to Twilight to set up the rules.
Applejack, having heard the same, opened her mouth, probably to hurl another insult at Rarity. However, when she heard what Card had said, she seemed to think better of it, closing her mouth.
Rarity, who was prepared to send a comeback at Applejack seemed shocked that no insult was coming her way. “What is it?” she asked concerned at seeing the look of concentration on Applejack’s face.
“Listen Rarity, can we call a truce?” Applejack asked.
“Why?”
“He knows Brick. I need to know how.” Applejack said with a pleading look, “Rarity please.”
Rarity mulled it over for a bit, before finally saying, “Fine. I’ve got some things I wish to ask about as well.” as she looked between Card and Twilight.
“Thank you!” Applejack looked like she just found out that the blazing inferno at Sweet Apple Acres managed not to burn a single tree.
“Hey, are you two done yet?” Card asked. “We’re about ready to start.” Card, Twilight, and Trixie were all sitting, well Trixie and Twilight were sitting, Card was lying down, in a circle on the floor around a bit. Applejack and Rarity came over and sat down across from one another.
“Okay, good we’re all here,” Card said, “Now then, here are the rules.” He gestured to the coin, “When you pick someone, you flip the bit and if its heads, it’s a dare. Tails, and it’s a truth. Keep it PG-13, Dares end when the game does, No picking the pony who picked you, and no daring someone to tell you the truth about something. Understand?” he asked. As four heads nodded their comprehension he continued. “Good. Now then, as she is our host, Twinkly goes first.”
Twilight looked around the circle, before finally settling onto..., “Trixie!” she said as flipped the coin. “Heads!” Twilight got a mischievous smile, which made Trixie very nervous.
“Wh- what?” she asked.
“I dare you to dump a glass of ice water onto your head!” Twilight said triumphantly, summoning a cup.
Rarity and Applejack exchanged looks of confusion as Card chuckled and said, “Why Twinkly, I do believe I’m rubbing off on you.” Trixie, for her part, turned almost as white as Rarity, but levitated the glass out of Twilight’s field, took a deep breath and... *Sploosh!!!* turned it up onto her mane, completely undoing all the work that Rarity had just done on it. As Trixie shivered, Twilight let out a small laugh and levitated the towel she had used over to let her dry off.
“Sorry.” Twilight said, still grinning.
“N-n-n-no p-p-pr-problem.” Trixie chattered out as she wiped all the ice off her face and out of her hair. Through the towel she noticed Card chuckling. Let’s see how much you like it! she thought maliciously. “I pick Card!” She exclaimed as she flipped the bit. Damnit! she internally swore upon seeing the result. “Tails.”
“Ok, so what do you want know?” Card said as he rolled over onto his stomach, his front hooves under his chin.
“Umm...” Trixie’s eyes cast about for something to ask him, before her eyes landed on his jacket. “List off everything you have in your jacket.” she said.
“Ok, one microt.” Card said as he swung himself into a cross legged position and started to rummage around in his front pockets. “Ok,” He started to draw things out one at a time. “We have: a d4, a d6, a d10, a d12, another d10, a d20, and...” He took out a small bag of bits and started counting them. “one, two, four... 28 bits!” He started putting everything back in.
“Wait, that- that can’t be everything!” Trixie incredulously said.
“Yeah, what about the inside?” Twilight asked. “You’re always pulling things out from inside your coat.”
“Sorry, the only thing I have in my jacket right now is me.”
“Impossible! Today I saw you pull out a ladder and then put it back in!” Trixie was nearly in hysterics.
“Don’t be silly,” Card said dismissively, “Have you seen how thin this jacket is? how would I keep a ladder in it?” Card scoffed. “That’s silly.” Card went back to lying down on his stomach and started looking around, trying to decide who to pick. “I pick... Marshmallow.” He suddenly said as he pointed a hoof at Rarity, who was sitting right next to him.
“Sorry, what did you call me?!” A flustered Rarity said, trying to ignore the snickerings of Applejack and Trixie.
“Well you haven’t exactly introduced yourself to me.” Card pointed out.
“Of course, what was I thinking.” Rarity, attempting to recover, extended a hoof to Card and introduced herself. “I am Rarity, seamstress extraordinaire. May I ask who you are?” She said with much eyelash fluttering.
“I’m Card, M.D.” Card flipped the coin, and it landed on heads. “And I’m daring you to...” he tossed a look out the window, “Go stand outside for five minutes,” he said.
“What!” Rarity started panicking at the thought of all the work she had done on her hair being ruined. “Y- you can’t be serious.”
“Yeah, and I’m going out there with you so I can make sure you stay out in the rain and don’t hide under anything.” Card was still looking out the window.
“Are you sure I can’t change your mind?” Rarity whispered into Card’s ear in what she probably thought was a seductive tone of voice. And to be fair if it was tried against any other stallion it probably would have worked, but as this was Card... Well...
“Come on, let’s go.” Card said as he grabbed Rarity by the mane, don’t ask me how, and yanked her out the front door. As soon as they left, Applejack jumped up from her seat and locked the door behind them.
“Applejack, what are you doing?” Twilight asked.
“Look, if ah know Rarity at all, she’s gon wanna head back inside as soon as the furst water drops ge’ inna her mane.” Applejack replied, “Ah’m just makin shoor she follows the rules.”
“Oh. Well I guess that’s okay then.” Twilight said, ignoring the banging on the door.
“Hey, while those two are outside, you two wanna wait or keep playing?” Trixie asked.
“Let’s keep playing.” Twilight said.
“Shoor, but as Ah’m the only one who hasn’t gone yet, can ah pick?” Applejack asked.
“Yeah, okay.”
“Makes sense to me.”
-----Meanwhile, outside-----
“AHHHH!” Rarity screamed as she banged on the door. “LET ME IN, LET ME IN!!!!” Card grew tired of this rather quickly, and so walked on over to the mysterious picnic table.
“So Madam Picnic table, if that is your real name, you mind telling me how you got here?” Card asked.
“PLEASE!!!” Rarity was sobbing.
“Comeon... Tell me.”
“PRETTY PLEASE!!!”
“Tell me.”
“MY HAIR IS IN RUINS!!!”
“TELL ME!!!”
“TO SAY NOTHING OF WHAT’S HAPPENED TO MY COAT!!!”
“Damnit, that usually works.” Card muttered.
“It’s all... brown! and dirty!”
“Ok madam, I didn’t want to have to do this, but you’ve forced my hoof!”
“And brown!”
Card took a lighter out from inside of his jacket.
“I can barely see my own cutie mark!!!”
“Last chance madam table!!! Tell me your story!” The table refused to make so much as a squeak.
“Oh my poor, poor, beautiful white fur!” Rarity had, by now, just fallen to the ground crying.
Card started striking the lighter. *chick*
*Sob Sob*
*chick* *chick*
*Sob, Sob*
*chickchickchickchick*
*Sob, Sob*
*CHICKCHICKCHICKCHICKCHICKCHICKCHICK*
Rarity had by now noticed that nopony was paying her any attention and so got up off the floor. She walked over to where Card was interrogating and attempting to torture a picnic table..., Wow, never thought I’d have to say that again. Anyways, once she got close enough, she plopped back down onto the ground and started crying again.
[img]]
*Sob, Sob*
But her efforts were in vain, for Card was still trying to get his lighter to work. He decided to turn to the oldest, most time-honored, and manliest way of fixing things there is.
*Smacksmacksmacksmacksmacksmacksmacksmacksmacksmacksmack*
Meanwhile, Rarity was... *Sob, Sob*ing in an almost annoyed tone of voice.
Card had decided that hitting his lighter was doing no good, and if that had failed then clearly the problem wasn’t with the lighter. He took a quick look around and then discovered the reason that his lighter wasn’t lighting.
“Oh yeah…,” Card said as he looked to the sky. “Rain... That’s made of water...”
“Ahem.” Rarity got up looking positively pissed off, and cleared her throat right behind Card. He didn’t notice, instead...
“CURSE YOU MOTHER NATURE!!!”Card fell to his hind legs and shook his hoofs to the sky, then stopping momentarily as a thought struck him. “OR WEATHER PEGASI... I GUESS... DOESN’T REALLY ROLL OFF THE TONGUE THE SAME WAY THOUGH.”
“AHEM!!!” Rarity cleared her throat even louder, this time getting Card’s attention.
“Oh hey.” Card said, just now remembering why he came out here. “How’ve you been doing?”
Rarity didn’t deign to dignify that with a response, instead testily asking him, “Has it been five minutes yet?” through clenched teeth.
“Huh? Oh yeah, it’s been like seven.”
“...What.”
“Anyways, just hose yourself off and we can go back inside,” Card said, ignoring Rarity’s building anger.
Come Rarity, you’re better than this... Rarity thought to herself as she walked over to begin washing herself off.
Card went off to join her, but first he paid his respects to a worthy adversary. “Well done Madame. I applaud you your courage.” He bowed to the picnic table, and then threw the lighter back into his jacket.
After Rarity finished washing off, Card walked up to her.
“Come On, let’s head inside.”
“How? The door’s still locked!” Rarity asked in a huff.
Card let out a short laugh. “Oh, like that’s ever stopped me.”