For many ponies there is a darkness deep inside their souls that no light could triumph over. For Celestia there is a blinding light.
Written for Bicyclette's second A Thousand Words contest in the category 'Drama'.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 23rd Nov, 2021
- offline last seen 4 hours ago
Reviewfilly
đź‡đź‡ş | "I will never trust a single word this femboy says ever again." - /mlp/ | Like what I do? Ko-Fi,
Reviewfilly
Joined 23rd Nov, 2021 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Reviewfilly · 1000 words · 79 3 · 1.2k views
- Reviewfilly · 16k words · 26 2 · 294 views
- Bandy · 7.5k words · 94 1 · 1k views
- Reviewfilly · 4.5k words · 24 0 · 266 views
- mushroompone · 5.9k words · 23 1 · 366 views
- Rewan Demontay · 999 words · 17 2 · 433 views
- Carnifaxy · 18k words · 26 2 · 348 views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.126 seconds
Total duration
971 users online
9,803 hits today, 2,205,040 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This was very elegantly written, in a brutal sort of way. I’m a sucker for any story that focuses on Celestia being confronted by the more unsavory parts of her psyche. Very well done, and best of luck in the competition.
This is a really interesting premise that leads into a subject matter that adds a lot to Celestia's character. There is substance in this vignette, which is more than I can say about most stories under a word-count limit. You've picked solid base on which to build considering the demands of the contest, and that is worth praising. As for the execution, I think you could have polished it more. This feels like a draft that has gone for a few revisions in terms of style but not as much in content. I think there are a lot of subtler ways with which you could have conveyed these ideas. The themes of regret over kindness and cruelty are resonant and extremely thought-provoking for a character such as Celestia, but this fic's approach is a little too blunt except for the beginning and the end. I was intrigued at first, then lost a bit of interest as it became clearer where we were going, only for the end to leave a good taste in my mouth. I believe that if you had been more rigorously thorough in how to convey the images and ideas of this story you could have improved it greatly. The dialogue, for example, is too on the nose. It tells you everything in a way that rather than theatrical feels cartoony, not the words a dream would show. Other than that, I enjoyed this. The pacing was good, the writing, while imperfect was quite precise and served its purpose, and the idea fit the format. You could do better in the future, but as it is I like it okay.
So that's what Celly was up to during The Archetypist...
11614677
Thank you
11614683
Impressive, caught red handed. Indeed, all my 1k submissions so far (including last years) are basically first drafts in terms of content. It is something I struggle with when it comes to really short stories. Cutting parts feels wrong, even if it's necessary.
This bluntness was somewhat intentional. I wanted (maybe not) Daybreaker to be ruthlessly efficient. She really did solve all problems, only she did so by setting the world on fire. She's completely unapologetic about it and an antithesis to what the Celestia we know is like.
To be fair, it is somewhat implied this isn't a normal dream or else Luna could have whisked Sunhorse away.
I appreciate the thorough critique. Sorry it didn't quite live up to your standards. There's always next time
11614693
All the more reason to be thorough. Considering that you are working with so few words, you could really squeeze every single possible meaning out of them. A 1k contest is the best possible place to bring out your inner Flaubert and obsess over detail, in fact, that is the main point of them, IMO.
That is not what I meant. Daybreaker is supposed to be like that, indeed. I meant the way the fic conveyed the idea. It's presented too directly in a way that does not lend itself to allow the reader to reach that same conclusion. Implication is a powerful tool, specially when it's meant to convey horrifying ideas that are worth considering. I think that instead of stating outright Daybreaker's argument, we could have had it shown. You had a really good couple of ideas with the nobleman, that was a good symbol. I think that was a direction that you should have dug your heels on for the entire fic, a collection of images associated with arguments that balance cruelty with compassion and how a powerful pony has to contend with them.
Fair, but again, not really what I meant. I think Daybreaker would have had a stronger presence with a different choice of words. Not as accusatory, nor as hostile, it feels as though you don't trust the reader to "get it". In fact, had she not talked and only used force, maybe the theme would have come across more strongly. I don't have an exact idea of how to do it, but I think dialogue might have taken away from this story more than it added. Dreams and symbolism go hand in hard, a stronger emphasis on imagery could have aided the story to stand out. When the reader reaches an idea by himself, connecting the dots, rather than being told, the effect is much more powerful, which is ideal for both what this story is trying to accomplish and for the goals of the contest.
No need to apologize, I think you just should have taken more time for this instead of resigning yourself to a first draft. It is a good idea and it is better executed than a lot of other stories of this sort. For example, you could have been way more melodramatic and you weren't, the tone is subdued throughout the piece in a way that really benefits it. My point is that it could have been subtler and as such better, at least for the feel this particular story is chasing. Either way, I enjoyed it and I don't regret reading it. Keep up the good work, and thank you for your patience regarding my thoughts.
Nice fic, Filly. Daybreaker being her usual self, she'll get to play one day when Celly has had enough.
11614715
AKA: I don't have a reason why I think it's bad, but I'm going to say it's bad.
Sure, Daybreaker could have said few words, but it wouldn't have gotten her incessant smug arseholery nature across and would have lent to her being some kind of bizarre daemonic spectre, rather than Celly's arrogant lordly alter-ego which we know her to be.
Fire!
Just write AU where Celestia goes wild already. I know you want to
11615154
Technically I have already done so.
11615134
Some mares just want to see the world burn.
11615277
Yeah! I meant something more expansive.
Good read, anyways
Clearly she should commission a private forge to work out some of her frustrations out in. Fire, crucible steel, the hammer and the anvil, get a heartsong going.
oof, yeah. what Celestia had been through, and had to do, during those years of Equestria’s establishment are quite a thing to imagine
yeah Daybreaker’s hot, we get it!
well, i was skeptical that untrammeled use of the Sun could have solved Celestia’s regrets but Daybreaker certainly figured out a way
and ooh, love this actually! Daybreaker being Celestia giving into her urge to impose too much order is a fantastic take, and the light hoof of her reign as a response to this makes all too much sense.Â
so true. and the descriptions were beautiful! love a good bit of Celestiangst, and a subtler take on Daybreaker than some might do. thank you for writing!
Ah, the temptation to let go. To set aside the burdens of care for the fragile mortals and the great responsibility that should (but doesn’t always) come with great power. To burn them all and let somepony else sort it out.
Fortunately, Celestia has ponies she can talk to… assuming she chooses to. Lovely moment capturing the shadow of the sun mare. Thank you for it.
You can has review!