How you are fallen from the sky, O Celestia
Her nights were usually nothing more, nothing less than blissful oblivion. It was her sister’s gift and she cherished it each and every time after a day spent with the hardships of ruling their land.
And yet, when she laid her head down that night, she found herself walking down an old, time-worn path with no goal in mind. She glanced up at the familiar distant peak of her home and hummed. She’d almost forgotten what it looked like without their castle jutting majestically from the side. The sight filled her with nostalgia, and some regret as well.
She continued down the path. Each step felt like a century, and indeed, as she placed one hoof after the other she saw brief glimpses of field giving place to huts, then villages, then towns.
Celestia walked the history of her land, and with each heavy step she saw only mistakes. Figures took shape from thin air: A bickering lord she could have talked into cooperation instead of needing to fight. Towns she couldn’t save because of her inexperience. A famine here, a civil war there. Pain and misery walking hoof in hoof; Equestria’s growing pains were laid bare and she was forced to bear witness.
In shame, she averted her eyes and looked up to the sky, seeking her sister’s support. Yet, where she expected the stars to aid her, she saw only an endless void with a single light that yet wasn’t the Sun. As she stared at it, she couldn’t help but squint while it slowly became brighter and brighter. And even she, who stared down volcanoes and gazed hours long at her burden, found the growing speck of light unbearable. Celestia raised a hoof to shield her eyes while it continued to grow larger.
With a piercing howl the comet tore through the sky and the fireball smashed into the ground right in front of the princess, cracking the earth and nearly knocking her off her hooves.
Celestia never shied away from her negative feelings, they too were part of what kept her a pony. Yet, what she felt at that moment was an emotion she hadn’t experienced in decades. As she took a tentative step closer to the crater, she felt dread. Complete and utter dread. All of her senses screamed imminent death and for her to run as fast as she could and never look back.
And yet, as much as she tried to force her body to run, she felt compelled to step closer and gaze inside, unable to look away. As the fire slowly subsided, the blood froze in her veins.
The mare lying inside was just like her. Except, the moment Celestia laid eyes on her, her first thought was that she was perfect. Her radiant, unblemished coat shone from the light cast by her burning mane. Her face was like a statue, chiselled over millennia by the best artists of each generation. Her slender form radiated power, and as she slowly awoke Celestia felt immense heat sweep out of her. A heat of such utter strength that Celestia’s own felt like a candlelight in comparison.
“W-who are you?” Celestia’s voice mimicked her body’s own trembling. “Why do you torment me with these visions?”
The figure slowly looked up, and her burning, orange eyes locked with Celestia’s. A predatory grin spread over her face. “Me? Why I am but you,” she replied slyly as she slowly raised herself and stepped out of the crater. A wave of heat hit Celestia, causing her to stumble in place. “I am all you could be.” She looked across the land, snorting at the misery happening all around. “And tormenting you? How droll. Did you think you could hide under your little sister’s wings forever? We both know it was about time you faced your shortcomings.” She grinned again, before looking to the side. “You could have prevented all of this,” she said flatly, waving around a dismissive hoof. “If only you didn’t hold back. If only you weren’t such a bleeding-heart,” she spat with unmasked disgust. “Watch,” she said coldly, and the world lit on fire.
The Sun rose in the sky, its face looming over the horizon, covering a quarter of the blue emptiness. One by one the memories, the failures began to change. The bickering lord, who cursed Celestia’s name the moment he was out of earshot, immolated, leaving nary but charred bones in his place and a far more agreeable successor. The elderly in the famine-stricken city followed suit, their beaten bodies grown old from hard work blackening quickly, leaving enough food for the rest of the city to survive. Then those who conspired against her in the civil war saw their fiery ends. Under the emblem of the Sun, piles upon piles of corpses of Lunar traitors fed the flames.
One after the other the radiant green fields turned orange and the rivers ran red. The sky darkened from smoke. The Sun’s strongest rays shone through the thick plume casting a haunting ghost-light upon the massacre. Where once was chaos, now reigned order.
The mare basked in the glory and the heat. Her mane fluttered in the hot wind as she raised her head high and enjoyed the crackling of the roaring flames and the hissing of burning flesh with closed eyes and a serene, beatific smile. Slowly she looked at the princess again and took a step closer. “Join me,” she said as she held out her hoof for Celestia to grasp. “This can all be yours.”
Celestia sat up in her bed with a silent scream. She stared into the darkness vacantly while she tried to calm her shallow breaths. Her heart trembled in fear.
Fear of such a loss of life.
Fear of the horror she had witnessed.
Fear of the ruthlessness she had been forced to see.
And above all else, the fear of that minuscule, yet burning ever brighter part of herself that found the flames beautiful.
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This was very elegantly written, in a brutal sort of way. I’m a sucker for any story that focuses on Celestia being confronted by the more unsavory parts of her psyche. Very well done, and best of luck in the competition.
This is a really interesting premise that leads into a subject matter that adds a lot to Celestia's character. There is substance in this vignette, which is more than I can say about most stories under a word-count limit. You've picked solid base on which to build considering the demands of the contest, and that is worth praising. As for the execution, I think you could have polished it more. This feels like a draft that has gone for a few revisions in terms of style but not as much in content. I think there are a lot of subtler ways with which you could have conveyed these ideas. The themes of regret over kindness and cruelty are resonant and extremely thought-provoking for a character such as Celestia, but this fic's approach is a little too blunt except for the beginning and the end. I was intrigued at first, then lost a bit of interest as it became clearer where we were going, only for the end to leave a good taste in my mouth. I believe that if you had been more rigorously thorough in how to convey the images and ideas of this story you could have improved it greatly. The dialogue, for example, is too on the nose. It tells you everything in a way that rather than theatrical feels cartoony, not the words a dream would show. Other than that, I enjoyed this. The pacing was good, the writing, while imperfect was quite precise and served its purpose, and the idea fit the format. You could do better in the future, but as it is I like it okay.
So that's what Celly was up to during The Archetypist...
11614677
Thank you
11614683
Impressive, caught red handed. Indeed, all my 1k submissions so far (including last years) are basically first drafts in terms of content. It is something I struggle with when it comes to really short stories. Cutting parts feels wrong, even if it's necessary.
This bluntness was somewhat intentional. I wanted (maybe not) Daybreaker to be ruthlessly efficient. She really did solve all problems, only she did so by setting the world on fire. She's completely unapologetic about it and an antithesis to what the Celestia we know is like.
To be fair, it is somewhat implied this isn't a normal dream or else Luna could have whisked Sunhorse away.
I appreciate the thorough critique. Sorry it didn't quite live up to your standards. There's always next time
11614693
All the more reason to be thorough. Considering that you are working with so few words, you could really squeeze every single possible meaning out of them. A 1k contest is the best possible place to bring out your inner Flaubert and obsess over detail, in fact, that is the main point of them, IMO.
That is not what I meant. Daybreaker is supposed to be like that, indeed. I meant the way the fic conveyed the idea. It's presented too directly in a way that does not lend itself to allow the reader to reach that same conclusion. Implication is a powerful tool, specially when it's meant to convey horrifying ideas that are worth considering. I think that instead of stating outright Daybreaker's argument, we could have had it shown. You had a really good couple of ideas with the nobleman, that was a good symbol. I think that was a direction that you should have dug your heels on for the entire fic, a collection of images associated with arguments that balance cruelty with compassion and how a powerful pony has to contend with them.
Fair, but again, not really what I meant. I think Daybreaker would have had a stronger presence with a different choice of words. Not as accusatory, nor as hostile, it feels as though you don't trust the reader to "get it". In fact, had she not talked and only used force, maybe the theme would have come across more strongly. I don't have an exact idea of how to do it, but I think dialogue might have taken away from this story more than it added. Dreams and symbolism go hand in hard, a stronger emphasis on imagery could have aided the story to stand out. When the reader reaches an idea by himself, connecting the dots, rather than being told, the effect is much more powerful, which is ideal for both what this story is trying to accomplish and for the goals of the contest.
No need to apologize, I think you just should have taken more time for this instead of resigning yourself to a first draft. It is a good idea and it is better executed than a lot of other stories of this sort. For example, you could have been way more melodramatic and you weren't, the tone is subdued throughout the piece in a way that really benefits it. My point is that it could have been subtler and as such better, at least for the feel this particular story is chasing. Either way, I enjoyed it and I don't regret reading it. Keep up the good work, and thank you for your patience regarding my thoughts.
Nice fic, Filly. Daybreaker being her usual self, she'll get to play one day when Celly has had enough.
11614715
AKA: I don't have a reason why I think it's bad, but I'm going to say it's bad.
Sure, Daybreaker could have said few words, but it wouldn't have gotten her incessant smug arseholery nature across and would have lent to her being some kind of bizarre daemonic spectre, rather than Celly's arrogant lordly alter-ego which we know her to be.
Fire!
Just write AU where Celestia goes wild already. I know you want to
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Technically I have already done so.
11615134
Some mares just want to see the world burn.
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Yeah! I meant something more expansive.
Good read, anyways
Clearly she should commission a private forge to work out some of her frustrations out in. Fire, crucible steel, the hammer and the anvil, get a heartsong going.
oof, yeah. what Celestia had been through, and had to do, during those years of Equestria’s establishment are quite a thing to imagine
yeah Daybreaker’s hot, we get it!
well, i was skeptical that untrammeled use of the Sun could have solved Celestia’s regrets but Daybreaker certainly figured out a way
and ooh, love this actually! Daybreaker being Celestia giving into her urge to impose too much order is a fantastic take, and the light hoof of her reign as a response to this makes all too much sense.
so true. and the descriptions were beautiful! love a good bit of Celestiangst, and a subtler take on Daybreaker than some might do. thank you for writing!
Ah, the temptation to let go. To set aside the burdens of care for the fragile mortals and the great responsibility that should (but doesn’t always) come with great power. To burn them all and let somepony else sort it out.
Fortunately, Celestia has ponies she can talk to… assuming she chooses to. Lovely moment capturing the shadow of the sun mare. Thank you for it.
You can has review!