Under the just guidance of the princesses, Equestria has prospered for thousands of years. Yet not a single soul remembers how the kingdom came to be or where its twin diarchs came from.
During a simple tea party, Princess Celestia decides to reveal the answers, causing Twilight to call into question everything she thought she knew about her mentor.
I'd like to thank the Anons of /fimfic/ for helping with my grammar and fixing some narrative-related issues. The story wouldn't be half as good without you!
Chapters (1)
Very nice!
Absolutely love this interpretation, I think I'm going to run with it as my headcanon for now.
I really think you should write more, whether it’s of this story or more of your ideas in general. You have a really solid grasp of writing for only posting your second story, and the way you incorporate body language is something many new authors forget. There weren’t any notable grammar hiccups in the story either, though I’d recommend using a title capitalizer in the future until you get the knack for proper title capitalization. I really liked your idea and the history you set up behind it. The seriousness it was approached from shows you know a thing or two about how to effectively create an ominous tone.
That said, your story isn’t without some weaknesses. Conversation stories are plentiful on this site (I’ve written a few myself) and what’s central to balancing them is pacing. Your pacing was strongest at the start, rushed in the middle, and a decent save at the end. You shouldn’t be too eager to wrap these things up when part of getting your story to sink its teeth into the reader is crafting a disturbing psychological dynamic, something that comes from steadily spending more time with these ideas and characters. If you want, I could recommend a few stories that handle the central delivery of conversation well. The other two aspects of your story I felt could use improvement were how of Daybreaker and Nightmare Moon are the true selves, we get very little glimpse into how this recontextualizes things outside of how Daybreaker/Celestia feels when events like the banishment of Nightmare Moon are thrust into a new light in your AU. Stretching into more headcanon-y territory, I’d like to see some more of the origin and early years of these two. How is it two beings were so malicious even from youth?
Lastly, I felt like the regret of Daybreaker was cliche and not necessarily a natural or interesting turn for your story. Twilight not embracing the Celestia facade just because Daybreaker wants to be Celestia and reject that she has done many unforgivable things, and having Twilight being burdened by knowledge are really compelling inclusions. Rushed, unjustly given, and forced forgiveness litter way too much of the stories on this site, even a few favorites of mine. Yet, shaping Daybreaker into this character who lives a lie and is somehow all boo-hoo about everything she’s done and hyper-empathetic despite still being every bit as threatening and cold feels artificial. While her relationship with Twilight is a genuine one of mentor and student, I think that this story would have stood out even more had she instead been given more unique characterization as too alien to ever really be understood by ponies (even Twilight) or understand these mortals and forever a threat on the horizon, or as somepony who very obviously has little in the way of empathy or healthy emotional expression/capacity and can only understand the wrongness of her actions on a logistical and emotionally detached basis. She’ll forever know that she fucked up, but will also never be able to feel that way or truly understand the heart of the matter.
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Thank you for your kind words. I honestly don't even understand why your comment is in the negatives, even if someone disagrees with what you're saying, your critique clearly comes from good faith.
Hahaha, that's only because of the excellent proofreading I've received.
I didn't even know such things existed. I've looked it up and used one. Thanks!
Your critique here is fair. Indeed, I was very much only focusing on the "big reveal" and the things you bring up could have been explored to great effect. I guess it just shows how new I am to this. The only thing I can't really agree with is making Daybreaker into an emotionally detached character. I admit it's fully personal preference and if anyone else wrote a fic like this, I'd probably enjoy it, but in this story I wanted her to be regretful, even if that came through more rushed than I was hoping for.
Uh-oh, someone didn't read the writing guide...
I joke. This is a very well constructed, well written, and well sized little story, and is a great job for what is more or less a first effort. I suppose the only thing I noticed is that some of the dialogue sort of reads as, I don't know, ESL-ish? It's correct, grammatically and logically, but perhaps unorthodox in word choice and construction. Then again, the majority of dialogue on this site written by native English speakers is incomprehensible nonsense, so there's that.
In any case, great work, and I'd be happy to see more!
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I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Considering English is my second (or technically third, because I began learning German earlier) language, that can very easily be the case.
If it's not too much trouble, I'd be curious which sentences felt off to you. It'd probably help me improve.
We will see. Sadly I'm not some fic-writing machine and even this fic was the result of some very lucky timing of me reading another story that left a lot to be desired and the comment I mention at the end of the story.
Yeah those are red flags for Twilight
If they literally will return to old ways of being traveling monsters she should ready the elements to imprison them .
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I use this one when I have a title where I'm not sure what rules of grammar apply. The writing guide is also incredibly useful for various tidbits and I know it had helpful resources for when I started out writing. One for tags and the site rules also exist. I'd also suggest adding your stories to a bunch of groups to help it travel around the site, and to stay across it. You can adjust notification settings on each group page.
Either someone disagreed with what I said or they disagreed that I was the one to say it. I wouldn't be too worried about it. Comments aren't impacted by votes like stories, and I doubt any attempt to use them to target you or me is being done. Downvotes from vague places are basically a currency on the site. If you think people are targeting your stories in some way, that's when you can ask the mods via PM or through the discord server/channels for help. I hope that whoever was downvoting me didn't downvote your story too, since that'd be shitty of them.
I PMd you a list of stories that revolve around the vehicle of a conversation because the suggestion list got so big.
Perhaps that was the case, though I'm just a sucker for unexpected twists and unrelatable characters (more in the sense that they're developed and written without the intent of anyone in the audience relating to them, though sympathizing is a whole other matter). I'm also not sure if detached was wholly the right word to use, just that she didn't feel bad for what she had done (either from an empathy deficit angle or something else, you're the writer) even if she knew it was. Having to work under someone who has that kind of everpresent, ruthless angle to them offers a lot of potential not just for a shift in relationship dynamic you could use in a continuation (should you ever want that) but it makes for a deliciously compelling usage of the dark tag. I hope that explains why I brought it up a little more, not just for the sake of Daybreaker and not losing her under the Celestia-as-a-facade here, but to really emphasize both the facade and how Twilight would feel about her mentor. Sweet, sweet hints of psychological horror are hard to find done well, and you have the beginnings of a promising time in ponyfic ahead of you. If you wanted an example of what I meant by a more alien portrayal, this is a story that embodies a lot of what I was talking about.
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Ah yes, I went over this several times before I even started writing. It's an excellent guide, it answered questions I didn't even know I wanted to ask.
I also read that tag and rule list as well. It would've been quite the blunder to be banned for some stupid technicality before I even began posting.
Still, thanks for being so welcoming, I appreciate the help.
Yeah I understand what you mean and frankly, your idea is excellent. I'm not really sure yet how to proceed from here (mostly because I didn't expect the fic to do so well in the first place), but from a reviewer viewpoint, which is something I'm far better at than writing, I can't find a single fault in it. I'll give that story a read when I find the time, if it is as good as you say I'm sure it'll be nice review material as well
(Haven't read the story yet, just based on the description.)
CELESTIA: There are dark forces you will have no choice but to deal if you want to rule, my student.
TWILIGHT: You mean dark magic?
CELESTIA: Tax code.
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Awesome! I'm used to linking them around a lot, but it's pretty e🅱ic to see that someone already did their homework. I look forward to seeing more from you!
Aww jeez, thanks! I just wanted to make sure that we were on the same page because I went back over my comment and was thinking there was probably a way for me to have been clearer.
One way to get ideas is to just write what you want to see in stories that don't appear enough for your liking, at all, or to simply write an expanded version of how you wish something might have been explored based on a larger fandom trope or something. Using picture prompts to practice your writing and idea development are also great ways to work on brainstorming and forcing yourself to tackle new genres and ideas.
I like your story. Nopony should be ashamed by how they write. If you want a trick,: add love to your writing. Not literaly.
Time wounds all heels.
I'm not sure what I expected.
To preface, I should say that I'm typically not a huge fan of either Daybreaker or the idea of the Sisters 'retiring'.
I say this, because it puts in context the fact that I think this story actually made them work. They don't feel like things that 'just are there', but rather play key roles in the larger narrative, and present good reasons for her to raise this topic to Twilight in the future. I do, actually, get a sense of Celestia's actual emotions and motivation, and it also ticks the "Nightmare is just Luna with her morals cast aside" box I favor. Even the Sisters eventually handing over power to Twilight is recast in a far more understandable light, and let me say it is remarkable that you manage to build something decent out of that particular story note. The core concept here is a really strong; the idea that the "evil superpowered side" is the 'corruption' is a very common one in the fandom, but this turns it around: What if everyone had, at their heart, the power to be evil, and it's the self-control that keeps characters on the size of good? What if *goodness* was what changed them?
If I were to critique this, I would say that it suffers from two weak points, which are closely related: The first is pacing. Some moments just go a little faster or slower than needed. The second is that there are a couple things which seem... unfulfilled? Unexplored? Daybreaker's regret, someone has already mentioned; another might be why Twilight doesn't bring up Luna's fall to Nightmare or their sudden wanderlust. These feel like things that should be discussed, and I'm sorry they weren't. (A minor quibble is that you might want to... I'm not sure how to suggest this, but inflect the dialogue a little more? Try saying the words aloud and see if they feel 'natural'.
All in all, though: +1 from me. Definitely a really strong fic with some superb ideas at their core.
Ooh, fun fanfic to read. Daybreaker and Nightmare Moon being their true selves really gets the imagination going. Favorite part has gotta be when Twilight immediately gets battle ready when Daybreaker drops her disguise.
Does anyone realize that Daybreaker was spawned from Starlight's mind, and not Celestia's?
She came about from STARLIGHT'S nightmare about being unable to solve the Sisters' problems in the episode, as did the version of Nightmare Moon in the episode.
I don't think people realize that. Even though I thought the episode "A Royal Problem" was dumb, I DO remember the plot very well.
STARLIGHT is the one who has a severe weakness to misusing power... as should be pretty obvious from practically every episode she features in.
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I'm sure everyone forgets that happened. Though now that I think about it, a fic with Starlight and Celestia getting into a dream, Starlight pulling Daybreaker into the dream, and then Celestia bringing her 'true' darker form (I think people back before A Royal Problem called her 'Solar Flare'?) into the dream, just to talk, sounds rather interesting.
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I think its the part where celestia says "Never again" when daybreaker says she will become her
A bit edgy, but still pretty good.
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She just said they wanted to travel again, like in the beginning, not that they were giving up the morals and goodness that had become a part of them, and going back to murderhobo conquest.
wonderfully written, very good characterization
I can relate to this idea completely, had a similar one, and want to play around it in my own fic
Nicely written, very inspiring
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I've always thought that daybreaker was just the modern name she took that the darker side did actually look like that already but had no real name Starlight gave her the opportunity to give it a name