Just shy of two decades before the return of Nightmare Moon, Princess Celestia received an ultimatum from the Griffon Kingdom's recently ascended heir: Concede a part of Equestria, or prepare for war.
The Princess chose neither, instead ordering her engineers to create a craft great enough to terrify the griffons and put an end to the war before it could have even begun. Two years after her order, Equestria had constructed its greatest airship yet, the Lux Aeterna.
With no time to spare, the craft was sent on its way almost immediately after its construction was finished, carrying with it five hundred esteemed guests and nearly a hundred crewponies. However, such a massive endeavour piqued the interest of not just the griffons', but also of an ancient presence nopony could foresee, let alone contend with...
(Release schedule: 2 chapters / day.)
Edited by Jinxed and Equimorto.
Loosely based on Iron Maiden's Empire of the Clouds.
You should read this story,
and I'm not just saying that because filly has my family hostage and forced me at gunpoint to proofread his ficbecause it's got a snazzy plot and cool metaphors, and filly is the bestplease don't hurt me or my loved oneswith creatively coming up with stories.What does God need with an airship?
That was a good story.
Great story, those windigos reminded me of story Rise and Shine story. Serious creatures worth of fear capable of great frost and manipulation.
I like how Celestia tried to solve the conflict, but she might have gone over the top with it.
This story kept me on my toes in a variety of ways. Mostly, I kept asking myself “what is this going to amount to?”. There is a meticulousness in the plot construction, and in how the narrative very slowly advances, that is resonant with the main theme of patience. You certainly took the effort to build up slowly to the conclusion and the eventual disaster, which is a rather explosive climax that is not just a proper pay off to what came before, but also a very well executed piece of tense writing. I cannot overstate how much I enjoyed that part, I think the entire story was meant to portray that sequence in the direst terms and I well and truly loved it. The despondency you managed to get across was finely complemented by the franticness of the action and the escalation of the horror that made me anxious over Celestia, despite being such a powerful character as well as narratively safe, considering this story takes place in-media-res.
Celestia fulfills here a traditional role that nonetheless I appreciate despite it not breaking through any old barriers. I must praise how you’re able to portray her as equally distant and involved. Perhaps this is due to my previous knowledge of the character, but I felt it genuine here. There’s a sense of exhaustion that always follows her, of someone who has not given up yet but you can tell has been doing this for far too long. So, when the time of tragedy strikes it is interesting to see her being forced into action, and even better, to see her confronting failure once again.
The inclusion of the Windigos was superb. You managed to portray them as unknowing, all powerful and cruel in a way that sells how threatening they are. Their power to induce hallucinations felt like a reference to how hypothermia can drive people mad, which is a rather clever addition considering that in the show they never exhibited such an ability. It also opened up some very interesting interactions with the rest of the crew, particularly how they view themselves and the rest of ponies. One has to wonder if the Windigos’ power is to make ponies racist, or if they are just pulling at deep-seated tensions and prejudice already present in their victims. I like that you didn’t explain that and just left it up to audience interpretation, I think it’s better that way.
Speaking of the crew, I think they fulfilled their purpose even if I didn’t get super attached to them. Their ensuing deaths were pretty horrifying, as well as all the crew’s, but I had a hard time feeling that emotional punch because despite there being an attempt at making them three-dimensional I just couldn’t find them to be solid enough on their own. In that sense, they do feel more like generic placeholders meant to amplify Celestia’s personal tragedy rather than their own. I don’t have a problem with that, but it is what it is. It’s just a little frustrating, but I’d get that emotion regardless of the author or story, I just have a hard time getting into characters designed to die if they are not the protagonists of their own story.
I’d also like to talk about the mechanical aspects of the writing. I think your efforts at making a believable and sound magical vehicle could easily be overlooked and it would be a pity, because you obviously thought things through and it showed. In particular, how you used the mechanics to build up the tension (that reveal with the frozen machinery was pretty neat) as well as justify Celestia’s tied hooves against the Windigos. It was both interesting to see and had a place in the plot, which is not always necessary but appreciated nonetheless. Integrating your world building into the narrative is the best.
Now, let’s talk about the biggest part; the tragedy. I’m a big fan of tragedies, both classical and new ones. I must admit that I struggled a little to follow up on what justified this story’s conclusion and whether or not it could be classified as such. I think it can, but it took me a bit of reflection, which, in all honesty, might actually be a plus. I detected a hint at the perils of overzealousness, how anticipation of conflict leads people to make rash decisions that have big and catastrophic impacts. You have the griffons stirring up conflict, Celestia responding to it in advance, even the Windigos are acting in supposed self defense, which is an interesting point to bring up. I think it is safe to say that those are the thematic wheels of the story. I did find it kind of amusing how Celestia straight up spelled the theme for Twilight at the end, which for some reason makes me question if you lacked confidence in your readers to be able to see the point of the story. That might be a little mean of me, I don’t mean it in a bad way. Either way, I think the theme is interesting and it does lend itself well to the show’s foundation. How a work of engineering produced by cooperation of the three races could result in such catastrophic discord was really clever, I think there is a nuanced take here in how concord can also be a leading cause to discord. Still, if that were so, putting the blame on Celestia, as she seems to consider, feels somewhat unfair. Tragedy can be unfair, and I suppose that Celestia would assume responsibility for her decision, but I’m not sure if the story agrees with that. Also, some might call the conclusion regarding the conflict with the griffons a cop-out, and I wouldn’t blame them for that. It is tragically ironic that they ended up backing down without needing an actual show of force, and it does play well with the theme of patience, but I don’t think Celestia is to blame here for taking preventive action. It was a grand gesture that did spell out a disaster, which makes the whole situation all the more saddening. In that sense, I get feelings of despondency and even anger at how everything turned out, so congratulations on that front.
Finally, as form goes, I think you are still a competent writer, and I thought the style was easy to follow, digestible and dynamic, but maybe I found it more serviceable than anything else. The ideas behind the story obviously gave me a lot to think about, as can be read here, but the style itself is just kind of serviceable. We’re not here to write Shakespeare, that is true, so I don’t hold it against you especially since using a second language is hard (I can attest to that), but I felt like mentioning it. I kind of wish your prose had more of a personality to it, and I only comment on it because I never got that impression with The Witless, in which I found your prose more comfortable with itself and appropriate to the story being told.
All in all, I enjoyed this story. It certainly gave me lots to think about, I think it’s a solid piece that, unlike its ship, does reach its intended destination even if it’s not a completely smooth ride to get there. I’m happy to have spent the time I have reading it and writing about it. Keep up the good work!