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Politician vs Bureaucrat, very fun to read.
I want to say that I saw this story on the popular stories list and instantly clicked on it, going 'holy shit, that's SUCH a good title, what is this about', and then i saw myself namedropped on the description. God damn. Hook line and sinker what the hell.
Reading now! Actual comment soon, just wanted to point out how FUCKING PREDICTABLE I apparently am.
Okay! I read it; now's time to comment properly. In fact, I read it twice, or at least some parts of it.
I liked this a lot! There's an extremely strong grasp on pacing, both scene-to-scene and paragraph-to-paragraph. I want to call attention to the opening because it was particularly effective -- the start with the strong hook to then pull back and reveal the situation little by little was great, and it worked really well.
But I gotta say, as much as I like the structural integrity of the story, it's the characterization that really works here. Starlight's was great from moment one; she comes off as professional but extremely likeable, so instantly you get that Harshwhinny takes a liking to her. The trick to having chemistry between characters is to have them talk about common interests, or at least something they're opinionated about, that isn't directly related to the current plot at hand -- I genuinely think I can point at this story and go 'read the first two scenes' to make my point here.
Harshwhinny, though! That's the strongest point in the fic by far, I gotta say. I was prepared for her to be a non nonsense bureaucratic machine and that's your lot, and I was all on board -- but the genuinely human angle is what got me. It wasn't her talking about the forms that made me like her, as much as her being annoyed at herself for not landing a joke, and then wondering how to navigate the conversation afterwards. The little cracks that show that, yes, she's still like, herself. She's still cold and effective and robotic. But she's still human, right? Pony, whatever.
I feel like that's one of those little things that, the more you write and the more you read, the more you realize is the most important part of a character. The little contradictions. Precisely because Harswhinny comes off as so robotic she has to show that much humanity, because then she becomes actually realistic, and not just an archetype. I think that's what I'm trying (and struggling) to put into words here, because it's I think the part i think is the most praiseworthy of the story -- Harshwhinny didn't become an archetype. She's her own complex character, and extremely, extremely interesting to follow as a reader. If whoever is reading your story genuinely enjoys spending time with your main narrator, if them existing is unironically counted as a positive, you've got a heavy hitter in your hands.
Not to throw shade at archetypes, though; they have their place and excel at it. Case in point: holy shit, Pappy. Holy shit.
This is so tasty. This is such a strong fucking visual. The sooty jumpsuit contrasted with the upsettingly pearly white teeth. You instantly feel like you know everything there is to know about this character. The imagery here is so good. God damn, mate. Fuck yeah. This is what great writing sounds like.
(Edit: also holy shit, I forgot to mention -- the dialogue flows so well. It's super good dialogue. Seriously, I barely mention it cause I was too busy talking abstracts, but the actual writing of this story is super good. Narration and dialogue and everything -- top marks, 100%)
That said, I didn't come here to just throw confetti and then leave -- as much as I enjoyed the characters, I do have to admit that at points I found the story slightly hard to follow. Not character-wise? I enjoyed the lil arc that these two went through together, and I really like what you did with them, the fact that Starlight isn't okay with Harshwhinny's methods, the way Harshwhinny agrees.
But some of the bits around the characters are fuzzy; it feels like they were either not explained properly, or they were but I somehow missed it. I actually did go back to the story to re-read parts of it, to make sure I hadn't missed a paragraph or two, and that's a bad sign (well, at least it is if I didn't miss a paragraph a second time. Which like, hey, it's possible, I'm not the brightest bulb in the shed).
It's easier to explain with concrete examples -- conceptually the pipers are great, but we don't get enough of an explanation about them. I don't need like, a pokédex entry or anything like that; I get that you wanted to avoid stopping the story to drop exposition about them because frankly they're not important, but they're an integral part to the journey the characters go to, so the readers need to have just enough information to follow along. While they are described, they're described so quickly and off-handedly that I thought it was just a snippet before the real description came along; likewise, Harshwhinny offhandedly going "they appear when you're not looking" is, I feel, not given enough emphasis for how significant it is.
This is important because the concept is good, but it's whimsical enough it necessitates a bit of clarification to the reader. Monsters that appear when you're not looking, look like bagpipes, and are attracted to fire -- it's a strong concept, but it's an abstract concept. It requires a bit more handholding. You don't need to go into detail. but simply going, oh, they're a monster that appeared, and we're dealing with it, would do wonders.
(On a more technical level: I find that when I want to give particularly important information to the reader, giving it its own paragraph helps wonder. It adds emphasis, and signifies to the reader that Hey, This Is Important, Notice It. That could've worked here).
I'm thinking, simply -- an off-handed line where Starlight questions where or when or how the pipers appeared, and Harshwhinny answering curtly, would do wonders. We don't even need a proper explanation, really, we just need the implication that an explanation is there, and that the characters won't know it. I kept fearing they were some canon monster I had never heard of, and so I was actually missing unspoken knowledge about the monsters, and god I will have so much fucking egg on my face if that's the case. I looked it up, but hey, who knows?
If they aren't, though, you do need to clarify them a little bit more. Have the characters ask two more questions about it, inquire just -- what they are, where they came from, just the essential information for the situation the characters are dealing with.
Likewise, I feel like I was completely lost regarding the protests. I take they were there because people were annoyed at the pipers, but the actual jump in logic from monsters appear to there's enough disturbance that the guards have to act on it and there's violence in the streets -- it's a very upsetting image, to have violence like that in the background, and if it's not clear why it's happening, it takes the reader out, or it makes it feel like there's missing context.
I don't want to come off as one of those people who are like "UMMM EXCUSE ME, PLOT HOLE?" or anything, i'm not cinemasinsing this or asking for random expositions that answer every question the reader might have -- but there has to be a logical connection between cause and consequence, and while it might be very clear to the writer, it isn't as much from the point of view of the reader. I fully admit that the pipers, how (and why...?) they came to Fillydelphia, and why there were protests, and why it was just a crisis, were things I didn't get. I can assume them, I can make a guess, but i'm making guesses, and I don't feel like I actually know. I feel like I just skipped a paragraph or two somehow.
So that's my two cents: on a technical and structural level this is solid as hell, and you've got characterization down so hard that I'm going to need to be careful if I ever write Harshwhinny lest I accidentally copy yours; she's just that fucking good. But conceptually there is a little bit a gulf between the ideas the story seems to assume are obvious and the ones I as a reader find obvious. A lack of clarity, or a lack of communication of concepts, I guess.
Still! Absolutely super interesting story to read and dissect -- can you tell by the long comment? I had fun here! -- and absolutely incredibly flattering that I was somehow involved in its creation, however indirectly. You've got scary amounts of talent with the character writing there; consider me a fan.
I don't know what I expected when I clicked on this story. But I was pleasantly surprised by what I read.
eheheheh
being upset leads to poor decision making... not very efficient of you
(I failed to understand about half of this story)
Does Starlight even KNOW the definition of ethical?
This seems relevant:
Starlight caring about ethics is rather out of sorts even with the friendship lessons as she still rather enjoys mind-control, and I think classic unicorn Twilight would have been better in her place, but this was a fun read.
Bureaucracy can be fun, apparently.
11608487
I'm having that moment when you read a comment that tells how much you don't know about a subject but also spells out why you appreciate that subject so much in the first place.
And I always like a fic with a good Harshwhinny.
You even managed to make this Harshwhinny fun, like, holy cow!
Jesus christ its fics like this that make me wonder why I'm even writing my own. The pacing, the dialogue, the characters, all just fantastic, honestly. And jmsuch a wonderfully out-there concept lashed down the the reality of bureaucracy is just... delicious. So delicious. Fantastic work.
Key to Wisdom Quote:"I do not understand"
I do love seeing applied earth pony magic.
That wasn't a metaphor; she'd personally exorcised three different cheesemongers in Ponyville.
A most engaging read, though I do feel Starlight's frustration with Harshwhinny escalated a little too quickly. Yes, getting mad at Harshwhinny for robbing a store at formpoint is reasonable, but it feels like she retroactively became mad at events where she was, at worst, bemusedly neutral. Still, that's a minor complaint in a brilliant tale of a surreal problem and an even more bizarre perspective. Thank you for it.
This was great! I loved the debate over government policy and the relationship of citizens and the state during the bomb chase!
Another "is that how you're supposed to pronounce it?" moment. It's spelled "bourgeoisie" according to a quick Google and Wikipedia, but I completely understand that English is a deranged frankenlanguage from Hell.
Demonic Cheese and Pipers at the gates of Dawn?
Dawn?
They got up oily.
The trick with the 200 year old boiler, is that ebcause it can burn far cheaper fuel and is easier to maintain, and can be only a quarter less efficint than a top of th range brand new modern system.
Do you go with the fancy stuff that on a whim can decide it needs updating from a remote server that no longer exists.
Or the one you can throw trees, cattle and zombies in.
At lease the Pictsies didnt follow after.
11608487
My take on the protest/riot that was going on in the background is that it didn't have much to do with the pipers at all, and Fillydelphia is just always like that. Since the real Philadelphia is known as a rough and dangerous city, who's motto is "Fuck around and find out," I thought that was the joke. But maybe I'm wrong, I often make weird connections in my head.
Harshwhinny: "I'm a professional, I've spent almost two consequent days at my work place".
Anal Retentive: "hold my forms".
11608487 Aah!
Aah!!
I'm flattered to hear you enjoyed it
and doubly flattered to get all this useful critique!
This was an amazing read. I always love seeing Harshwhinny, and to use her to stand-in as the brilliant-yet-blind big-picture bureaucrat was lovely. Starlight as a foil also did much: her mixed history let her see things with both empathy and acknowledgement of cold success. The whole scenario was delightfully zany, as was the solution. Kudos!