Nightmare Moon is a...Salespony?!

by iAmSiNnEr

She Has Returned

Nightmare Moon is a...Salespony?!

By iAmSiNnEr

---

“Isn't this exciting?” Pinkie exclaimed. “Are you excited, 'cause I'm excited, I've never been so excited— well, except for the time that I saw you walking into town and I went,” Pinkie gasped for effect. “But I mean really, who can top that?”

“Fillies and gentlecolts,” Mayor Mare began. “As mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration!” Everypony cheered at that, stomping their hooves on the ground.

“In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise, and celebrate this, the longest day of the year! And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the very pony who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria…” Mayor Mare took a breath.

“Ready?” Fluttershy whispered to her birds in a corner.

“...Princess Celestia!” Mayor Mare announced, throwing back the curtain.

Behind the curtain, there was nopony there, and furtive whispers began to fill the room.

“This can’t be good,” Twilight muttered under her breath.

“Remain calm, everypony, there must be a reasonable explanation!” Mayor Mare shouted.

“Ooh, ooh, I love guessing games! Is she hiding?” Pinkie piped up.

“She's gone!” Rarity exclaimed, and everypony gasped. Suddenly, shadows collected into a shape on top of the balcony, forming a black-colored alicorn covered in blue armor.

“Oh no...Nightmare Moon!” Twilight whispered.

“Oh, my beloved subjects. It's been so long since I've seen your precious little sun-loving faces.” Nightmare Moon sneered.

“What did you do with our Princess?!” Rainbow Dash shouted as she rushed forward trying to attack Nightmare Moon. Applejack quickly bit onto Rainbow Dash’s tail, holding her back.

“Whoa there, Nelly…” Applejack muttered through the tail.

Nightmare Moon chuckled. “Why, am I not royal enough for you? Don't you know who I am?”

Pinkie Pie hummed and hmmed. “Ooh, ooh, more guessing games! Um, Hokey Smokes! How about... Queen Meanie! No! Black Snooty, Black Snooty—” Applejack quickly stuck an apple into her mouth, muffling Pinkie’s voice.

“Does my crown no longer count now that I have been imprisoned for a thousand years?” Nightmare Moon loomed over Fluttershy, before looking at Rarity. “Did you not recall the legend? Did you not see the signs?”

“I did,” Twilight stepped forward. “And I know who you are. You're the Mare in the Moon – Nightmare Moon!” The ponies gasped as one at that.

“Well well well, somepony who remembers me,” Nightmare Moon bared her fangs in a grin. ”Then you also know why I'm here.”

“You're here to... to…” Twilight gulped.

“Why, to sell the idea of Eternal Night to you ponies, of course!” Nightmare Moon exclaimed.

“Wait, what?” Twilight blinked in surprise.

“You see,” Nightmare Moon continued. “I’ve been on the moon for what, a thousand years? In my time there, I’ve built an amusement park, several houses, and even a castle for myself. I was thinking to myself - why not sell the idea instead of forcing it? I’ve seen how it went for previous villains, including me. Why go through the whole charade again to be defeated once more?”

“But you foalnapped Princess Celestia!” Mayor Mare spluttered.

“Oh, please,” Nightmare Moon rolled her eyes, before pulling back yet another curtain with her magic. “She’s right here.” Behind the curtain, there was Princess Celestia, examining a few papers and signing on one or two. Once she noticed the eyes on her, she looked up sheepishly.

“What?” She protested. “My estranged sister offered me nine percent tax rebates on all tourism on the moon. How am I supposed to refuse that? She also offered me unlimited moon pies. Oh, and Luna, do remember our deal if you’re going to go with what you told me about.”

“Of course!” Nightmare Moon grinned as her horn lit up. Her form shrank down as the armor disappeared to be replaced by regalia. Her black fur changed color, lightening to a lighter shade of blue. Even as the crowd watched, the regalia was covered by a suit, and a suitcase popped into existence beside her. In short, she now looked like a salespony. “Any questions?”

Half the crowd raised their hooves. “No, the moon isn’t made of cheese,” Nightmare Moon said through a gritted smile. “Any other questions?” Half the ponies who raised their hooves lowered them.

Twilight raised her hoof tentatively.

“You there!” Nightmare Moon pointed at her.

“Well, I was wondering,” Twilight sheepishly pawed at the ground. “If eternal night is a thing - what happens to Princess Celestia’s raising of the sun? And if there’s supposed to be tourism on the moon - how do we breathe on it?”

“For the first question, young mare,” Nightmare Moon cleared her throat. “Celestia will no longer continue to raise the sun. I offered her an excellent retirement home on the moon, along with a suite in the palace should she ever wish to use it. Of course, she’ll still have full use of the castle in Canterlot - it’s hers, after all.”

“As for the second question,” Nightmare Moon pulled out a diagram from the suitcase. “I was hoping you could help with the designs for the domes I was planning to build on the moon. I heard many good things about other ponies, but Celestia recommended you highly for me to hire.”

Twilight’s eyes widened as Nightmare Moon levitated the diagrams over to her. “...domes? Oxygen is transported using tubes…Magical teleportation devices to transport ponies up to the moon...” She sat down on the ground as her eyes began raking through the diagrams and scanning them. Occasionally, she would scribble something with a quill.

“Does this means she accepts?” Nightmare Moon looked at Celestia, who answered with a nod.

Applejack raised a hoof.

“Yes, the orange earth pony!” Nightmare Moon gestured at her.

“Is the whole eternal night thing going to affect mah crops?” Applejack questioned.

Nightmare Moon shook her head. “Heavens, no! I would not want my subjects to die of starvation. The air will be saturated enough with magic to replicate the effects of sunlight, letting your plants photosynthesize. Alternatively, you could claim the sun lamps from my new administration once it is set up.”

“How is eternal night going to affect Equestria’s tax policies?” Mayor Mare suddenly asked.

“You’ll have 7% less tax, reducing the current 12% to 5%,” Nightmare Moon explained. “General service tax will be reduced from 8% to 2%. As an added bonus, I’ll be adjusting a few tax policies so that the less privileged will not have to pay as much tax.”

Celestia raised a hoof. “How do you expect to make up the deficit?” She questioned. “That much decrease in taxes will make a dent in the government funds.”

“Oh, that’ll be easily solved,” Nightmare Moon smiled. “I’ll put more focus on the tourism industry to get more funds. I’ll establish trade relations with our neighbors, and open up channels between our countries for more economic relationships.”

“What will be your stand on Non-equestrian countries?” Rarity quickly asked. “You know, Diamond Dogs, Minotaurs, and the such.”

“Trade relations, of course,” Nightmare Moon answered. “But if they wish to attack my new reign, I will crush them with all my might. No creature will harm the interests of the ponies.”

“Is military service mandatory?” Rainbow Dash yelled from the back of the room.

“Nope!” Nightmare Moon shook her head. “It is on a volunteer basis. But if you do sign up, you’ll get free three meals of the day, generous pay,” The ponies looked unimpressed at that. “And a free pith helmet!” At this, the ponies oohed and aahed.

“Sick, I love those!” Rainbow Dash grinned. “Count me in!” Others chimed in their interest with Rainbow Dash.

“The Equestrian Army will also be renamed,” Nightmare Moon continued. “To the Raiding Shadow Legends! This is, of course, helped by our sponsor, Skillshare! Skillshare is a-”

“Let’s skip the advertisements and do that later, shall we?” Celestia suggested.

“Yes, yes, of course,” Nightmare Moon coughed. “Any other questions?”

Twilight raised her hoof. “Yes, Twilight Sparkle?”

“If we’re experiencing eternal night,” Twilight asked. “How are we supposed to tell time?”

“With the help of our other sponsor, of course! They have generously provided enough funds to supply clocks to every household. ” Nightmare Moon beamed. “Our other sponsor is NordVPN. NordVPN will keep your travel history safe from your parents, spouses that you’re cheating on, and-”

“I think that will be all for this sponsor,” Celestia coughed awkwardly.

“I think so, too,” Nightmare Moon nodded. “Are there any other questions? None? Very well. To end off, a bonus for you all. Forever will the stars be arranged in beautiful art patterns! Every twenty-four hours, the stars will change locations, changing to a new art form!”

“How are we supposed to navigate, then?” A random sailor yelled.

“Why, with the help of our sponsor, of course! They have provided boxes of compasses to every sailing and shipping company. Our sponsor is Honey! With Honey, you can save on every purchase you make with coupons-”

“LUNA, NO!”

Author's Note:

i have to stop shitposting

Comments

[Petrichord]

why does this sound so familiar 🤔

also i really should stop using Honey, huh

[Ex-SaviorFanfics]

You have succeeded in making me laugh so hard that I couldn't breath and choked on air, hats off to you lol Best part has to be the NordVPN, I actually started coughing because I laughed so hard, you deserve a like lol

[Clockwork2003]

She sells seashells on a seashore
But the value of these shells will fall
Due to the laws of supply and demand
No one wants to buy shells 'cause there's loads on the sand

Step 1: you must create a sense of scarcity
Shells will sell much better if the people think they're rare, you see
Bare with me, take as many shells as you can find and hide 'em on an island stockpile 'em high
until they're rarer than a diamond

Step 2: you gotta make the people think that they want 'em
Really want 'em, really fuckin want 'em
Hit 'em like Bronson
Influencers, product placement, featured prime time entertainment If you haven't got a shell then you're just a fucking waste man

Three: it's monopoly, invest inside some property, start a corporation, make a logo, do it properly
"Shells must sell", that will be your new philosophy
Swallow all your morals they're a poor man's quality

Four: expand, expand, expand, clear forest, make land, fresh blood on hand
Five: why just shells? Why limit your self? She sells seashells, sell oil as well!

Six: guns, sell stocks, sell diamonds, sell rocks, sell water to a fish, sell the time to a clock
Seven: press on the gas, take your foot off the brakes, Run to be the president of the United States

Eight: big smile mate, big wave that's great Now the truth is overrated, tell lies out the gate

Nine: Polarize the people, controversy is the game
It don't matter if they hate you if they all say your name

Ten: the world is yours, step out on a stage to a round of applause You're a liar, a cheat, a devil, a whore
And you sell seashells on the seashore

[Ciphers]

LMAO this is so random

[Mystic Sunrise]

“The Equestrian Army will also be renamed,” Nightmare Moon continued. “To the Raiding Shadow Legends! This is, of course, helped by our sponsor, Skillshare! Skillshare is a-”

... You soulless son of a bitch. Here I was hoping you were better than that. Guess not when you sell out to that spambot. And I don't mean Skillshare...

Take your damn upvote and favorite

[FanaticLunarist]

Not to be mean but the cover image is of Luna not nightmare moon.

[FanaticLunarist]

Excellent story by the way

[iAmSiNnEr]

11057892
It references that one part in the middle

“Of course!” Nightmare Moon grinned as her horn lit up. Her form shrank down as the armor disappeared to be replaced by regalia. Her black fur changed color, lightening to a lighter shade of blue. Even as the crowd watched, the regalia was covered by a suit, and a suitcase popped into existence beside her. In short, she now looked like a salespony. “Any questions?”

[zx29b]

NordVPN will keep your travel history safe from your parents, spouses that you’re cheating on, and-”

But not from the Fourteen Eyes.images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/cb5f69de-8173-498b-a3d7-899e7d15a996/d4zj1b5-a2d524ab-0807-4b9e-91bb-c2bbdd3178e5.jpg?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOjdlMGQxODg5ODIyNjQzNzNhNWYwZDQxNWVhMGQyNmUwIiwiaXNzIjoidXJuOmFwcDo3ZTBkMTg4OTgyMjY0MzczYTVmMGQ0MTVlYTBkMjZlMCIsIm9iaiI6W1t7InBhdGgiOiJcL2ZcL2NiNWY2OWRlLTgxNzMtNDk4Yi1hM2Q3LTg5OWU3ZDE1YTk5NlwvZDR6ajFiNS1hMmQ1MjRhYi0wODA3LTRiOWUtOTFiYi1jMmJiZGQzMTc4ZTUuanBnIn1dXSwiYXVkIjpbInVybjpzZXJ2aWNlOmZpbGUuZG93bmxvYWQiXX0.fWeJ7Qfvj9Z7lAPH5V--pZIRa1vW727x2dfRXC3plT8

[sykko]

i have to stop shitposting

Don't you dare! Your shitposts are love, your shit posts are life!

[CRS2018]

“Please be sure to like, comment, share, and subscribe. With that, I’ll see you guys next time.” — Nightmare Moon

[Grayson Judd]

Where is all of equis do you come up with these wierd ideas? By Celestia's name, I could never come up with such wonderful weirdness. Don't ever stop writing these shitposts.

[Reggie the Griffon]

She almost had me till the sponsors ads in the middle of the speech.
Down for everything else tho
I want my free pith helmet.

~Reggie

[Level Dasher]

You're beyond strange. This is ridiculous.

And it's hilarious. Never stop.

[Eroraf86]

“LUNA, NO!”

LUNA, YES!

[Doctor_Den]

I would not be surprised if the reason for these changes was some kind of "invention of Flim and Flam" for destroying documents, which due to malfunction instead of destroying them teleported them to the moon. And all these 20 years Luna had no alternatives to read rejected ideas and black bookkeeping. :D

[DerpieDoo]

Author's Note:

i have to stop shitposting

dont stop baby

[Elitrino]

Lmao

[silverthorn]

i have to stop shitposting

Don't worry, this is high grade shitposting

[Savant Sentral]

Honey- phishing scheme
NordVPN- phishing scheme
Skillshare- Like this online gurus you see promoting their courses
Raid Shadow Legends- Skinnerbox
I wish youtubers would pick better sponsors for real

[Xalok]

“The Equestrian Army will also be renamed,” Nightmare Moon continued. “To the Raiding Shadow Legends! This is, of course, helped by our sponsor, Skillshare! Skillshare is a-”

WHY DO YOU HUNT ME!!!!!

“With the help of our other sponsor, of course! They have generously provided enough funds to supply clocks to every household. ” Nightmare Moon beamed. “Our other sponsor is NordVPN. NordVPN will keep your travel history safe from your parents, spouses that you’re cheating on, and-”

It never ends i feel like i am geting hunted down by adds Run for your lifes!!!!

“Why, with the help of our sponsor, of course! They have provided boxes of compasses to every sailing and shipping company. Our sponsor is Honey! With Honey, you can save on every purchase you make with coupons-”

Luna is a monster a Great big Add Monster 10/10 will start playing raid shadow legends after this Story

[The Sleepless Beholder]

11058162
Sadly, it's more of "we need to say yes or we don't have enough money to eat." Kind of situation outside of big name YouTubers.

[Charlie_K]

I'll say this much. You've certainly earned your username with this one.

[daOtterGuy]

... And with Audible you too can listen to the smooth tunes of moon tunes at great volume for an excellent price. The official sponsor of the gates that keep the Eldritch Abominations in space out!

[FrostTheWolf]

Just wait until these tactics are used against Discord. Not sure if even he can resist these pitches. Or even worse, become Luna's marketing partner

[Sledge115]

“What?” She protested. “My estranged sister offered me nine percent tax rebates on all tourism on the moon. How am I supposed to refuse that? She also offered me unlimited moon pies. Oh, and Luna, do remember our deal if you’re going to go with what you told me about.”
“Of course!” Nightmare Moon grinned as her horn lit up. Her form shrank down as the armor disappeared to be replaced by regalia. Her black fur changed color, lightening to a lighter shade of blue. Even as the crowd watched, the regalia was covered by a suit, and a suitcase popped into existence beside her. In short, she now looked like a salespony. “Any questions?”

Snrk.

Take your damn upvote

[Dewdrops on the Grass]

11057951
It helps that has he has many people to bounce ideas off of.

As for you nephew this was great. I knew most of the jokes going in courtesy of you know why, but the pith helmet joke got me. Well done.

[BioQuillFiction]

This was just so beautifully chaotic.

[Movingtarget Productions]

dies of laughter

[Mystic Sunrise]

11058252
Trouble is, it feels like Raid was holding a gun to people's heads making them use the game as a sponsor. It wasn't a sponsored campaign. It was flat-out spamming Youtube all of the last few years.

Skillshare and NordVPN are at least useful, and I've seen a lot of creators use creative ways to integrate them into their videos and still fulfill whatever terms they agreed to.

[iAmSiNnEr]

11058484
This is sorta the reason why I integrated the sponsor joke, but didn't actually use Raid Shadow Legends as a sponsor. It's an unhealthy sponsor that most content creators accept sponsorship from only to fund their videos and life. Whereas Skillshare, NordVPN, and Honey, actually might be a little bit useful to certain parties of interest.

However, I did include RSL from a brainstorming session with a friend, and it seemed like a shame not to use the name "Shadow Legends" for something.

[TheIronPone035]

So. Many. Sponsors...

(This, this is gloriousness at it's finest in weirdness/randomness. Although I do wonder whether or not Rainbow and Scootaloo will find themselves dashing through that interstellar amusement park at sonic speeds...)

[Loganic]

Hah.

[earth]

So I couldn't help notice that your wonderful sky is bland with a capital B!
So leave it to me
Most definitely
To fill this space with shimmering stars as far as the eye can see.

[Skippex]

Well... I've managed to not die of laughter this time. Score!

[PonyDragon]

E Nightmare Moon is a...Salespony?!

At least she isn't a door-to-door salespony.

11057950
"-And make sure to ring the little bell, so you won't miss any notifications!"

[Glory Bright]

Next stop. Mares.

[Huk]

“The Equestrian Army will also be renamed,” Nightmare Moon continued. “To the Raiding Shadow Legends! This is, of course, helped by our sponsor, Skillshare! Skillshare is a-”

images.pngnice.com/download/2007/Cereal-Guy-PNG-Free-Download.png

Nice one !

[Algedor]

No, more shitposting!

[aegishailstorm]

*Concerned laughing*

[FanaticLunarist]

11057902
Ah! Sorry about that

[TheMajorTechie]

Finally, another story chock-full of advertisements!

[aceotaku]

well at least she's not Spamton...

[M4Tiger4014]

Half the crowd raised their hooves. “No, the moon isn’t made of cheese,” Nightmare Moon said through a gritted smile. “Any other questions?” Half the ponies who raised their hooves lowered them.

static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/tvl2qhx.jpg

Wallace will remember that.

“The Equestrian Army will also be renamed,” Nightmare Moon continued. “To the Raiding Shadow Legends! This is, of course, helped by our sponsor, Skillshare! Skillshare is a-”

Take my upvote favorite and get the Fuck outta here.

“LUNA, NO!”

LUNA YES! LUNA ALWAYS YES!

i have to stop shitposting

Nono, gib moar please. Quality, top-shelf shitposts, you make.

[Holydude]

Hey you didn't build a base? You just built a bunch of corporate logos...

Dog:chicken in a basket.

[FanOfMostEverything]

“How is eternal night going to affect Equestria’s tax policies?” Mayor Mare suddenly asked.

“You’ll have 7% less tax, reducing the current 12% to 5%,” Nightmare Moon explained. “General service tax will be reduced from 8% to 2%. As an added bonus, I’ll be adjusting a few tax policies so that the less privileged will not have to pay as much tax.”

"Ma'am, I'm the mayor of this town. All I'm hearing is that you're slashing my budget."
... Ah, you address that immediately afterwards. Well played.

The big question is where these sponsors are based and how they're paying Luna. If it turns out they're just isolation-induced delusions, that could be a problem. Of course, I'm overthinking an obvious joke, so let's put that aside.

All told, delightfully cracky spin on the premiere. Thank you for it.

[ThePinkedWonder]

Half the crowd raised their hooves. “No, the moon isn’t made of cheese,” Nightmare Moon said through a gritted smile. “

Can't have a story about the moon without a cheese joke.

“The Equestrian Army will also be renamed,” Nightmare Moon continued. “To the Raiding Shadow Legends! This is, of course, helped by our sponsor, Skillshare! Skillshare is a-”

I knew this story was going to be a treat, and I wasn't disappointed.

[Georg]

"Congratulations," said Luna, rolling up the scroll that Twilight Sparkle had just signed. "With the education bonus you've earned by being my sister's student, you saved fifteen percent on your purchase of Eternal Night."

"But I hadn't finished reading it yet," said Spike, who was still holding his magnifying glass. "Some of the print at the bottom was really small, and--"

"Don't you worry, young drake," said Luna with a vulpine grin. She patted Spike on the back and made a wide sweeping motion with a forehoof. "As a dependent minor, your access to the vacation property is half-price. Except during certain blackout hours, of course."

"Blackout hours?" Spike raised one eyebrow ridge. "There are restrictions on when Twilight can use the property?"

"Of course." Luna nodded and pointed at the moon. "You only have access when it is in the sky."

"Oh, no." Spike buried his head in his hands. "Twilight, you bought a time share!"

[Kichi]

This fic is sponsored by [Insert name Here] with [Insert name Here], you will get [Insert stupid promotion Here]

[iSleep]

“The Equestrian Army will also be renamed,” Nightmare Moon continued. “To the Raiding Shadow Legends! This is, of course, helped by our sponsor, Skillshare! Skillshare is a-”

Wow, just wow