• Member Since 24th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Jessi


I am fuelled by tea and hate. Ko-Fi.

T

An army marches upon Canterlot with a single intent.

Kill the Princesses.



I appreciate the story being shared around, commented on, liked, enjoyed, all that jazz. :ajsmug:
Check out my profile for more fun little dark stories.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 71 )

Like the sum.ary short, sweet and I want to read!

I like how Tia and Luna are in this. The story feels like it is part of a much larger world with history and lore. Makes me wonder how things got to these events and what happens next.
May I ask what fic you adore?

The story sounds interesting, but I am scared that Celestia and/or Luna may die at the end. I am still coping with Luna's death in a different fiction I read several month ago.

Comment posted by Radiata deleted Sep 8th, 2021

10967419
She didn’t. She shrugged off the heart stab, regenerated and incinerated the enemy along with his army.

sun go brrrr
army go noooo
army is dead now
crabrave

10966913
A Mass Effect/MLP crossover from... 2012/13 I think.
In which Celestia uses her Sun, and channels it across the galaxy in a fuck-off huge beam to utterly BTFO a Reaper that threatens her.
Always stuck with me.

Have considered the story as directed, and shall share my considerations. Spoilers ahead.

The big reveal and the twist felt a little arbitrary in how they were carried out. Despite Celestia's reasoning, it seems like she could have pulled this off anywhere she chose. She wanted to give Cyrius the chance to stand down, change his mind, or at the very least show remorse for slaying her; that could have taken place right on the Equestrian side of the border, almost as soon as his army was spotted. She had even had Canterlot evacuate and bunker down, so it's not like she needed ponies around to witness her actions directly. By using the Hammer of Dawn, all of Cyrius's troops that were with him inside the palace were fried, even the ones outside the throne room. The surviving invaders were the ones still outside, who would carry word of Cyrius's death back to his father and deliver the message Celestia had intended to send him.

Since she had no qualms killing his troops as well as him once her decision was made, that encounter could have happened practically anywhere else on the map; he already intended to fight them each individually, certainly not having his entire army dog-pile them, so it also wouldn't have increased his casualties. By letting him march through Canterlot to get slagged along with the entire palace, she knowingly ordered the pointless deaths of her own soldiers while causing needless destruction and sending swaths of the population fleeing for their lives in unnecessary terror all so she could swat him with an attack visible from anywhere on the same hemisphere.

I did like the portrayal of Celestia as being almost too powerful of a being to go up against; some of my favorite stories feature a similar theme and it's enjoyable to see it done well. I much prefer that take over the ones that paint her as just Equestria's mom instead of its ruler.

So, mechanically. The biggest thing I want to touch on is your sentence lengths.

She'd really tried to tone down the overwhelming power of her Sun as best as she could, concentrating her magic into such a small area was a great matter of precision that took preparation so that she hadn't encompassed the entirety of Canterlot in the inferno itself, stopping the majority of the sheer spread of heat that would have washed over Ponies and cooked them alive, but not all of it.

The wound in her chest closed up within seconds, burning as if magma had been poured into the wound, and the Shadesap poison that had spread and caused necrosis of the surrounding tissues was burned away as the gash in her chest sealed itself shut, flesh knitting together and fur regrowing over the skin, a warm glow emanating from within her chest.

With the final repeated knell, the Ponies of Canterlot were already making extreme haste as they fled into their homes and into their protective shelters, abandoning whatever they'd had and whatever they were doing immediately, leaving personal effects and only taking themselves and their families, as a horrendous rumble trembled throughout the ground as much as the bells were, and not twenty minutes later the heavily reinforced city gates were breached in a deafening explosion of steel and fire.

The story has a lot of exceptionally long sentences. A good rule of thumb is that most sentences should have one comma, or maybe two, but after that it's usually time to either place down a semicolon or start a new sentence. Longer sentences become more difficult for the reader to keep in mind on a single read-through. You aren't padding your sentences or trying to hit a word-count, from my perspective, which is good. All of your sentences contain good stuff that contribute to the story, and that's great; they just need a little shortening so each one stands out.

Now, "thou" isn't a straight replacement for "you"; I see you have some thees and thys sprinkled in, but the thous started distracting me from the story. Some of them seemed to be applied incorrectly however; addressing the same person with thee, thy, and thou makes it unclear which formality is being intended. Also, given the reference to Nightmare Moon's return being a few years previous to the story, it feels odd to see Luna using ye olden style almost exclusively. Although we don't have a hard-and-true canon calendar of the passage of time, Luna still would have had the time to go to that first Nightmare Night in Ponyville where she started learning how to relate to the current era.

It was refreshing to hear different names for nations than Marexico, Germaney, Prance, Horsestralia, etc. It was an enjoyable read, and has a rich setting ripe for world-building and sequels if you so choose.

10967952
That's a well thought out review and I appreciate it.
This isn't the most well thought out story, though. Plot-holes are bound to get in there somewhere considering the idea I started out with of 'Get an army into Canterlot to be deep-fried' as the premise.
Luna's archaic speech is something I enjoy her holding as a traditional thing she holds dear. I'm quite aware it's probably not correctly said at times, but the main reason for it is because I find it very sexy, and I am no expert on Shakespearian writing beyond having read a few of his works.
Thanks for the comment. :twilightsmile:

10967956
Right on! Nothing wrong with style. :raritywink:

ooh, first featured!

pog

10968004
I've had a few other stories featured before. Though only briefly.

10968007
no, I mean, first on featured list

not first featured story

10968009
Is that good, then?
I've always figured the feature list was randomly placed.

10968030
Yeah, the positions on the featured list depends on likes! The more you get within the first few hours to first few days is what gets you higher on the featured box!

10968032
Well all my years on-site and I didn't know that.
You learn something new every day.

10968033
It's not pure likes. It seems to be something similar to the "heat" rating (https://www.fimfiction.net/stories?order=heat) but still not quite. And it's split between 7 new stories at the top and 3 updated stories at the bottom.

10968049
Technically wrong, heat is similar, but different. According to API and other veteran writers, heat is click rate and views, featured could be just likes.

10968052
You may be right, although it's really hard to confirm unless we ask knighty or something, because we don't have access to the algorithm and don't know how quickly older likes may cease to be a consideration.

I'm pretty sure I've seen a case of a new story not rising as high as a story that's been on the list for a few more hours despite the new one having slightly more likes, but I can't remember for sure.

Via

Lovely story. And I would be remiss if I didn’t comment on that one line.

And the throne room briefly ceased to exist.

Just wonderful.

10968066
Yeh, word count is a thing

10968071
Thanks. I appreciate that! :yay:

Via

10968078
Oh, love the profile picture as well! May I ask what story this was inspired by? ;0

10968082
As I said here. :twilightsmile:
10967920

10967920
The title is: Why no one messes with Celestia.
A classic.

Always love it when they do get to show off the Princesses in fics like this. The two certainly have a lot of power(Season 4's finale shows all of Equestria Plus Discord is only EQUAL to the four of them, and that's a lot of power), plus the comics show the two doing all kinds of things, like lifting mountains and stuff. The show, due to its target audience and nature, couldn't get away with that.

Other good ones, for those looking for more like this.
A World of Matchsticks
Celestia Vs Garble(Written before season 8, so he's still a jerk)
The First Flame

This one deserves to be up there with those, and the three 'Why No One Messes' with fics as well. Good stuff.

10967014 I'll spoil it for you! They die a BAJILLION times in ALL the layers of Chinese Hell, but when all seems lost CHUCK NORRIS rides down on a Holy Vespa and saves them!

(Seems legit...) :trollestia:

Alondro #30 · Sep 7th, 2021 · · 13 ·

I think Celestia might sometimes be like this: "You know," remarked the Princess, stepping OUT of her body in a manner which defied definition for those trapped with the perception of only 4 dimensions. "It's always amused me that mortals constantly conceive of Elder Gods with the requirement that they be dark, dismal, and waving about a plethora of tentacles and eyes everywhere." She smiled, a sweet smile that nonetheless held unspeakable horror for the fools who witnessed it, "We're only like that when we need the lulz."

:trollestia:

10968404
Not to be rude, however I'd ask what on Earth are you going on about? :rainbowhuh:

Nice, this is the good kinda Alicorn that I can get behind. Unthreatened by headstrong conquerors with Luna not deeming them worth her time and Celestia always trying to make them see the error of their ways. Very good, very good. Also I had the absurd image of Marcus half-way clawing himself out of Celestia's chest with one hand pulling himself out gripping onto a rib while his other hand points the Hammer of Dawn at Cyri with a scowl on his face. :trollestia: But that just makes me like the story more, and also make me wish I could draw.

10968568
He is saying that in stories like yours, Celestia is so utterly powerful that it is utterly impossible to comprehend the vastness of her power. Like a man trying to drink the ocean. Also Celestia does seem like a total bitch in this story. She pretty much forced the kingdom she fights against to go to war with her actions. No country of greatness is created through peace. Not hers nor theirs.

10968584
I did indeed call it the Hammer of Dawn because of GoW.

Via

10968404
10968568
10968589
I don't think that's what he's trying to say, or that Alondro is ever worth giving any attention to. He generally fills comment sections with inane posts such as these, usually relating to his own headcanons or tossing in a few references and bits of dialogue like you'd expect to find from a wattpad fiction. I'm pretty sure he's actually admitted that he does try to be as obtuse as possible, and finds it amusing.

To draw any meaning from what he's trying to say, it would be along the lines of calling this Celestia some form of an eldritch horror.

In defense of Celestia in this fic - I believe it's implied, or even outright stated that she doesn't believe that any of her actions would really affect the outcome of the situation save the use of the Hammer of Dawn - and that she believes, even up to the point where her murder was attempted...that prince Cyrius could be redeemed, and that the war could be prevented.

No country of greatness is created through peace.

A statement in its own worthy of debate, but it's effect notably dulled here considering that fantasy isn't exactly partial to our own human rules and concepts of warfare. Regardless, this might be bordering on overanalysis ;0

10968657

I don't think that's what he's trying to say, or that Alondro is ever worth giving any attention to. He generally fills comment sections with inane posts such as these, usually relating to his own headcanons or tossing in a few references and bits of dialogue like you'd expect to find from a wattpad fiction. I'm pretty sure he's actually admitted that he does try to be as obtuse as possible, and finds it amusing.

I see, that sounds like an annoyance to be sure, but at least he adds to the story's success in some small manner, comments help it stay relevant the last I understood.

Comment posted by Radiata deleted Sep 27th, 2021

10968670
Yeah, Alondro's just an idiot. Most of the users who've been here for a good enough amount of time know it.

Although I'm not sure that he's figured it out that he's not as clever as he thinks he is.

10968963
I don't think I wrote enough stories way back when to get a comment from him lol

10968657 I find humor in turning things upside down... a small child, perhaps.

10967920
You know that's actually a part of a series

10969227
Do you have a link for it?
*offers cookies as tribute*

10969257
its called 'why no one messes with celestia'

10969257
No I didn't remember the title until I looked it up it's literally just called the "why no one messes with" series

I bit over the top, but I like this characterization for Celly much better than the Season 8/9 one, where she couldn't fight herself out of a wet paper bag.
An overall enjoyable tale, threw an upvote at ya. And keep 'em coming. The Celestia stories, I mean.

So no seige?

Hmm Not really liking Celestia here.
More than "Why no one messes with Celestia" it reminds me of "Celestia vs. Garble" with the difference that the latter was a comedic piece with a greedy idiot bully as an antagonist who get vaporized while here we have a kid who has been thoroughly misdirected by his father and a troop of soldier who are following their leader in what they think is the defense of their homeland. This Celestia come out as INCREDIBLY callous, completely oblivious at what can be a awful PR mess and totally arbitrary in meting out punishment to the actual culprit... Solemn just got out practically scot free... Especially when you have the battle so incredibly onesided. Being completely invulnerable to the enemies attack they could have got all of them prisoner and worked out things properly. One thing is trying to discuss the finer point of what happened in a battle setting another at a table. And no... Asking for surrender like she did is not the proper way.
On another note... Those soldier are some of the most incredibly disciplined and high morale troop existing... After that display a route would be the least thing to expect...
Overall... It succeeds in showcasing Celestia as a force to be reckoned with... but paint not in a particularly positive moral or smart way.

10969922
If I lived a long time and had to deal with an up starts mad dreams ever decade I too would have little to no patients

10969994
As in killing the brainwashed son and leaving the brainwasher to his fief free to spin the burning at the stake of the heroic son for his populace and neighboring kingdoms? Or we want to have Celestia be a Iron Fist Tyrant that fundamentally rules out of fear of being reduced to ashes?
As I said the issue here is that this is a SERIOUS fic, not a comedic one like "Celestia vs. Garble" [and even that got some pushback because it was seen as excessively harsh in the treatment of Garble.] Here you have a LOT of problems, Celestia first sacrifices a LOT of her soldier just to get Cyrius in the throne room of Canterlot, with not well defined damages for the invasion, then with the possibility of simply arresting everyone she decides to use an overkill attack just to make an example... That is villain territory... Ok with the bullshit pulled with Cozy Glow everything goes... but still...

10969994
Nah he's pretty right on his account here
10970013

Plot holes abound and I should have added something about how she was going to go after Solemn next. She has her forces still surrounding Equinisi and such but that doesn't stop the fact that I wrote Celly as a little bit of a dick. An all-powerful dick that cares about innocents that sets an example but still a bit of a dick. Wasn't the intent tbh.

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