• Member Since 15th Dec, 2018
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

ThePinkedWonder


Someday, I'll stop writing silly comedy stories. However, today isn't "someday".

T

After years of putting it off and literally running whenever he asked about it, Twilight Sparkle finally decided to tell Spike where foals come from. Luckily for her, it turned out it was no longer necessary.

However, the good news ended there. Once Twilight and Spike were summoned to Canterlot by the Cutie Map, the duo found themselves giving "the talk" to two ponies Twilight thought long had it.

Spike, not understanding the awkwardness of the conversation, was okay with it. Twilight on the other hoof...let's just say she wanted to reevaluate her life once it was all over.

Despite its name, this story is unrelated to my story Rarity Gives "The Talk".




EDIT: featured through 06/13/21-06/15/21!

#1 on the feature list on 06/14/21!

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 52 )

I've been waiting for this, lmao.

This was funny :trollestia:

“It’s odd that Equestria’s two oldest ponies are wrong about how foals are born. But if they are” –Spike pointed a claw at Twilight– ”why don’t you tell Celestia and Luna about sex and how foals are really born?”

Twilight’s eyes dilated from the words, and she fought to keep herself working. Giving a full-grown mare, much less Princess Celestia, “the talk”?

:raritystarry:: Now you know how I felt Twilight
:twilightblush:

Her internal semi-joke over, Twilight answered, “I have never personally experienced sex, yet, but sex is when a stallion puts h-h-his...um...*inaudible*...inside a mare.”

Celestia raised a hoof beside her ear. “I am afraid I didn’t hear what you said a stallion puts in a mare, and where does it go? Inside the mare’s mouth?”

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh: YES!!! It can. Even Stallions can put it in there mouths.

“So he places his whatever somewhere else, like the mare’s anus?” Luna asked. “Because that doesn’t–”

Second verse same as the first:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

Inside a lone house's living room floating in the strange void resided a possible answer to that earlier question: Discord, the legendary Lord of Chaos and Equestrian Heavyweight Champion of trolling.

I have to disagree with that. Sorry Discord but as good as you are. The one who truly earned the championship title of trolling will always be Celestia.

With you its always expected because of who you are, but with Celestia; nobody suspects her. How do you think she'd got the name "Trollestia." Heck even her emoji is under the same name. :trollestia:

“I don’t know. I’m starting to have second thoughts about my plan, even if...” the unexpectedly devious mastermind said with a guilty frown, although it looked like a smile due to her topsy-turvy position. Memories – and anger – of her and Rainbow Dash giving Spike “the talk” a month ago forced out a scowl. “Okay, I still can’t believe I had to tell Spike the…* shudder* ...details about pony reproduction. It was Twilight’s job to hold that conversation with him, but she kept running from it!”

:raritystarry:: I myself had to go through the exact same thing with Twilight in my story....Giving her "the talk," I mean. When it should of been her parents.

:trollestia:: Tell me about it. I know I'm likea second mother to Twilight, but it's not my job to give her "the talk"

:duck:: But you were the one who told her foals came from eggs. If you haven't forgotten about that, you could of told Twilight the truth and send her to her parents so they could do their jobs.

:trollestia:: I know!

Be honest: wouldn’t you be doing the same if you were in Starlight’s place?

Yes. Yes, I would.

The ending really surprised me. Who would of thought that Fluttershy was behind this. And what she and Discord do after he return the princesses memories. Obviously they will still remember there conversation with Twilight and tell her about Discord's ploy, which could lead to Fluttershy telling the truth.

Pure energy triggered Twilight’s eyes to bulge and her wings to spread out. “No! So help me, Spike, if you tell our friends about my crush on–oh. I must have frozen. Thanks for snapping me out of it.” Twilight.exe rattled her head to fully reboot herself and folded her wings.

“Wait, Twilight, I just thought of something. It was your electric spell that restarted Starlight’s heart and only took you one try, right?”

She nodded. “That’s right.”

“Why didn’t you do that first instead of CPR? Did you forget?”

“No."

Spike scratched his head in bewilderment. “So why did you still do CPR? You wouldn’t have broken her ribs if you had given her heart a shock first.”

The alicorn scowled at the still-laughing and yelping Starlight, whose tears flowed down her face and oxygen mask as she laughed.

“Spike, I know.”

Because she haves a crush on her and used that chance kiss her and get a little payback

Now I'm afraid what she would do to Discord and Fluttershy if she ever learns the truth.

I think the bonus chapter would be quite.... interesting.

I never know what you’re on when you write these, and they’re still hilarious.

I would be very interested in seeing the hospital scene and subsequent fallout. Because unless Discord wipes all relevant memories from everyone involved, this is going to end up in the tabloids eventually, and I’m not sure Equestria can handle the aftermath.

To maximize your experience, every time Spike says *censored*, *censored*, or *censored*, plays this sound effect.

“Hey, look at that!” Twilight smiled and motioned a hoof toward her plot device map. “This is the first time it has only called us.”

:rainbowlaugh:

“Then I should have the map sent for repairs to ensure it still knows what ‘friendship’ is.”

:rainbowlaugh:

Please add a chapter Detailing a Doctor and Celestia Having 'the talk'

“Hey, look at that!” Twilight smiled and motioned a hoof toward her plot device map. “This is the first time it has only called us.”

Fucking gold

Inside a lone house's living room floating in the strange void resided a possible answer to that earlier question: Discord, the legendary Lord of Chaos and Equestrian Heavyweight Champion of trolling. He rested in an upside-down floating chair; a bubble made from his chaotic magic, displaying a flipped image of Canterlot Castle’s throne room, was by a wall in front of him.

https://ifunny.co/gif/we-shall-participate-in-a-miniscule-amount-of-tomfoolery-TV5g9VUS8
Sorry for the cringe only version I could find in 3 seconds

Yikes, how much did Spike learn? Also, genius Fluttershy.

Gosh, Twilight should learn how to think before she speaks because, some of these information are presumptuous and can shock somepony.

Either than that, a wonderful story ThePinkedWonder!

10859591

Thanks and glad you liked it! I went back and forth a little on if I would write this story before deciding to just go for it.



10859625

I have to disagree with that. Sorry Discord but as good as you are. The one who truly earned the championship title of trolling will always be Celestia.

With you it's always expected because of who you are, but with Celestia; nobody suspects her. How do you think she'd got the name "Trollestia." Heck even her emoji is under the same name. :trollestia:

Who's to say Celestia isn't the Equestrian Super Heavyweight Champion...?

But now yet another story came to mind, with the Equestrian Heavyweight Champion actually being a thing, with Discord as the reigning champion, and Celestia going all-out with her trolling to win the title,

The ending really surprised me. Who would have thought that Fluttershy was behind this

I was thinking that would a twist that few, if any, would see coming. Discord being behind the whole thing would be par for the course for that troll, but Fluttershy?! You know what they say about bewaring the quiet ones...



10859749

You're welcome and glad you enjoyed the story!




10859770

That's for me to know and the world never to find out:rainbowlaugh: Though the idea for this story didn't come from that, but from a comment in the "Rarity Gives 'The Talk'" story.



10859917

If there was a way to have that sound effect in the story when spike "said" *censored*, it would have been perfect to have in it!

You might get a laugh if you use the site's, text-to-speech function for the part in bold. When I did during proofreading the story, I thought it was about to say "sticks his ass" because the text-to-speech says the word "asterisk" when it reaches an askerisk in a story.

With hunger making him the alpha of the fabled Twilight-Spike duo, Spike uncovered Twilight’s mouth and faced the other two alicorns present. “Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, sex is when a stallion sticks his *censored* into a mare’s *censored* and *censored*. After sex is over, his sperm swims toward the mare’s eggs inside her body and fertilizes them. The fertilized eggs slowly grow into foals inside the mare’s womb, then after eleven months, the mare enters labor and pushes out her fully-formed foals through her *censored* and is born.

10859926

Those two lines you pointed out are among some of my favorites ones in the story. I would have laughed hard if someone else wrote this story and I was reading it:rainbowlaugh:




10859985

Sorry for the cringe only version I could find in 3 seconds

Eh, some cringe is a good thing I'd say



10860030

Pretty much everything, and Fluttershy hated saying every word, especially the "juicy" facts. Poor thing.

Glad you enjoyed the story!



10859670

10859873

10859933

Since it looks like there will be enough interest, I will write a bonus chapter showing what happens with Celestia and Luna at the hospital. I'm beginning to write its first draft, so I think it'll be out in about 5 or 6 days, give or take a day.

"The plot device" is my name for the life size twilight sparkle plush with installed onaholes I keep under my bed

The first chapter was frankly hilarious, and had me in giggling fits like a 12-year-old. The cartoonish humour was on point (though some of the meta-text in the prose itself felt unnecessary for me), and the dialogue was really great.

The second chapter was a wee bit too much for me. Honestly, I think the story works better as a single chapter thing. There's always the risk of stretching a joke too thin, but that's just personal taste, you know.

“Don’t worry, Starlight. You’re still alive, and you didn’t kill anypony by messing up spells,” Twilight assured gently. “Plus, it’s not possible for you to accidentally kill anypony with spells.” She scraped the floor with a forehoof and continued, “After the third time I did it and Chrysalis revived us, I cast a worldwide spell to make all Equestrians immune to death by magical mishaps. It’s a long story, so don’t ask what happened.”

were can i find this story on fim fiction hmm?

If 5% of Twi's weight is 20lbs than her full weight is 400lbs or about 180kg. Twilight needs to diet hard.

10860624

If 5% of Twi's weight is 20lbs then her full weight is 400lbs or about 180kg. Twilight needs to diet hard.

Whoops! I did in math in my head wrong badly. it was meant to be 20% of her body weight, putting Twi at 100 lbs...or 150 lbs if Spike was right :rainbowlaugh:

10860677
100lb for a pony? You all need to read this...
https://www.besthorserider.com/how-much-does-a-pony-weigh/

Pony weights are typically somewhere in the range of 200 pounds, upwards of 1,400 pounds for heftier pony breeds like a Haflinger

Perhaps we don't need a 1klb sparkle butt but a 100lb Twilight just seems super tiny or bulimic to the point of near death.

nice job on story do that bonus story with twilight and sunset

10860153

Good to know(?)


10860234

Glad you liked the story and got laughs out of it, or at least the first chapter.

There's always the risk of stretching a joke too thin, but that's just personal taste, you know.

While I can't say too much due to spoiler reasons, I can at least say that I have already taken that into account.




10860598

If it's out there, I would want to read it too. I might write it, since that was one of the things I put in the story as prequel bait.




10860783

I really wasn't thinking too much about how much might Equestrian ponies weigh, especially with cartoon logic and all that. Though, 200 lbs was my initial thought for Twilight's weight when I was trying to choose a weight for Twilight, or at least this version of her.

On a side note, love your avatar pic:rainbowlaugh:! That may or may not be accurate to how Celestia may look at one point in the bonus chapter...



10860810

Glad you enjoyed the story! The bonus chapter's not really going to be about Twilight and Sunset, though, outside of maybe Sunset being referenced.

10860857
what i mean is she tells sunset and see how she reacts to the story

“How is it even remotely possible that two ponies that are over one thousand years old think that?” Twilight asked with her hooves up in frustration. “There’s ‘crazy’, ‘very crazy’, ‘Starlight’s plans crazy’, and then there’s this !”

yes

A fun and playful poke at MLP characters if they had to deal with real life scenarios, I found this really enjoyable to read!

10860153
I feel so disgusted by this that I'm gonna go on a hike, you should too.

10861626

Yes indeed.



10861928

Thanks and glad you enjoyed this little silly story!

10862328
It just popped into my head and I couldn't resist :trollestia:

I had so much fun writing Twilight Sparkle Lays an Egg, and I'm glad to see others taking this ball... um... egg and running with it. Bravo! I give this omelet a Michelin Star.

10863423

And you will get more in a few days.


10863583

Thanks, and I really liked your "Twilight Sparkle Lays an Egg" story, so thanks for writing that!:twilightsmile:

And here I just assumed no one in their right mind would proposition a Princess.

Likely wouldn’t be by accident. The compression part of CPR has to effect the lungs, ribs are in between those and your hands so a lot of instances of resuscitation will likely result in cracked bones. It’s why the first thing your supposed to do is check the mouth and airway so you rule out anything that doesn’t involve chest compressions.

10865803

It was only a few months ago when I learned about how CPR often cracks ribs since I never was trained in it. One of those less pretty facts that movies and shows tend to leave out.

10866470
Yep, that, the almond smell of cyanide only being detectable to half the population, chloroform taking about five min to work, lemmings going off cliffs only when film makers commit animal cruelty, piranhas only skeletonizing when literally starved, and so many other things that film and television have lied and continue to lie about.

10865803
CPR is compressing the sternum with enough force to pump the heart ,

knuckle the sternum for reaction , check vitals [Is this a real emergency?]
1. check airway [clear]
2, breath into lungs [be sure not to inflate stomach, two breaths between five compressions]
3. chest compressions [put enough force into it two fingers above the lower sternum, push hard]
repeat [with a good rhythm you can go for hours if you have to]
check for pulse or breathing

You're breathing and pumping blood for the person.

This training is "old" so get updated - They've got stuff to 'jump start' a vapor locked human after all.

10865797
I figured that with them being the equivalent of goddesses that nobody had the guts to try to get near them in that way.

10859625
Please. Anyone who actually pays attention knows that Discord is the Super Heavyweight Champion of the Multiverse when it comes to trolling.

Celestia's doesn't even count as low grade trolling.

Login or register to comment