• Published 13th Jun 2021
  • 2,211 Views, 52 Comments

Twilight & Spike Give Two Alicorn Princesses "The Talk" - ThePinkedWonder

Twilight Sparkle & Spike got called to solve the strangest "friendship" problem ever. Spike didn't see what was so weird about it.

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Bonus chapter: Two alicorns walk into a hospital

After they had more or less received “the talk” from Twilight Sparkle and Spike, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna ran down Canterlot’s streets. They were heading toward Canterlot Hospital.

Luna whispered, “Did you really think Twilight and Spike are right? It would tear our *censored* if we pushed foals out of them!”

“No, and I have no idea why they think that, but Twilight doesn’t handle it well when I don’t trust her,” Celestia whispered back. “However, she always believes what doctors say, so if we can have one verify that mares do lay eggs after cuddling with stallions, we can ask them to tell it to Twilight later.”

“‘Tis a good idea. If we ask them to keep their conversation secret, it will help Twilight not feel humiliated about being wrong. But wait: if the plan is to have Twilight talk to a doctor, why did you not bring her with us?”

Celestia smiled sheepishly. “Hehe, the idea...slipped my mind. Blame my old mare memory and desire to not hurt Twilight’s feelings. Since we are almost at Canterlot Hospital, we might as well stick to my original plan.”

“Heh. Sometimes I wonder how Equestria survived this long with you at the helm,” Luna said in a tease, matching that tone with a playful smile.

“Like you fared much better when you took my place for a day?” Celestia countered with a smirk of her own.

The sisters giggled. A few seconds later, they reached Canterlot Hospital’s front door; the mares slowed their running and calmly walked through it.

In the hospital’s lobby, Celestia motioned a hoof toward a nurse, a white unicorn wearing a white hat bearing a design of a red cross, walking about. “I know I said ‘doctor’ but a nurse should suffice, so let’s ask her to help us.”

Luna nodded in agreement.

The Princesses ran toward the unsuspecting nurse, and Celestia asked, “Pardon us, but can you spare a minute?”

“Of course, Princess Celestia. What can I do for you?”

“Now, this may sound like a strange question, but please just bear with us,” Celestia pleaded. “I won’t bore you with all the details, but is it true that mares lay eggs after they cuddle with a stallion?”

The nurse stared blankly. “Uh...my apologies, but I don’t think I caught that. Can you ask it again?”

“I asked if mares lay eggs after cuddling with stallions?”

“Oh...you did ask that,” the nurse muttered. After a moment, she smiled and giggled. “Oh, I know, it's a joke! Ha ha, you’re a great comedian, Princess Celestia! I heard that you had all of Stablemart laughing during your last visit there!”

Celestia smiled in pride. “Well, I am pleased that my jokes are such a big hit, but I wasn’t joking this time.”

The nurse’s smile dropped like a rock. After a second, it returned, along with another giggle. “Oh, you’re still joking! You got me good the last time you pretended to be serious about something! I even tried that trick on–”

Luna scowled and shouted in her Royal Canterlot Voice, “SHE IS NOT KIDDING!!”

“Eep!” The nurse jumped. The instant her hooves landed back on the floor, she bowed in submission.

Other ponies in the lobby, including two receptionists behind a counter, stopped whatever they were doing and gawked at Luna in silence, eyes and mouth agape.

The loud Princess of the Night covered her mouth, then spoke normally, “Wait, I am sorry about that. I did not mean to shout, but Celestia truly was serious about her question. I have the same question myself.”

The nurse slowly raised her head, fighting shivers that being yelled at by a very powerful alicorn will force out. “Oh. Uh, well, in that case, no. Mares don’t lay eggs after cuddling with stallions, or at all. Foals don’t even hatch from eggs.”

“Really?” Both Celestia and Luna asked simultaneously.


“So, how are foals born, if not from eggs?” Celestia asked.

The nurse grimaced. She looked toward nearby ponies standing up or sitting in chairs, but – unfortunately for her – none required any assistance . She was no stranger to answering a patient’s personal question, but she had never done anything like give “the talk” to one. Let alone to her Princesses!

“Um, are you feeling okay?” Celestia asked, eyes oozing concern.

“I-I am, but it’s, uh…” The unicorn lifted a hoof and glanced at it. “Oh, gee, look at the time! I’m sorry, but I have to...check something. Bye!” She hurried out of the lobby and dashed through one of the hospital’s hallways.

“Okay, that was weird,” Luna commented with a baffled frown.

“I agree. She wasn’t even wearing a watch. Maybe you frightened her when you yelled at her?”

Luna facehoofed. “Well, at least I had my best run yet. Two years is my new record of not accidentally making a pony scared of me, since I returned from the moon.”

“At least you have come a long way since then. But back to the matter at hoof: let’s try asking somepony else..”

One of Canterlot Hospital’s obstetricians, a brown pegasus stallion – wearing glasses and a white coat – stepped from a hallway and into the lobby. He strode toward the lobby’s counter and quietly spoke to a receptionist. It was as if the Universe held a grudge against him by choosing this moment to send him out.

The sisters walked to the obstetrician, and Celestia asked, “Excuse me, do you have a minute?”

He smiled warmly – and from caution to avoid being yelled at himself. “Yes, Princess Celestia. I think I can spare a few minutes.”

“Great! Luna and I just asked a nurse if foals hatch from eggs, and if mares lay them after cuddling with a stallion, but she...had to do something. It’s true about the eggs, right?”

“In case we should say it, Celestia was not joking.”

The stallion audibly blinked twice. His glasses tilted slideways. “Uh...no. Mares can’t even lay eggs, and even if they could, the eggs wouldn’t arise from cuddling. I mean, foals could be conceived after cuddling, but not due to it directly.”

Celestia and Luna stared at each other, non-verbally asking each other, “Are you serious?!”

However, Celestia forced herself to say, “I...see. So, how are foals made?”

The stallion looked to his left, then right, followed by a gulp. He didn’t see a way to escape from this predicament. As one of Canterlot Hospital’s top obstetricians, he couldn’t attempt to pass the buck to a fellow obstetrician.

‘Something tells me I’m going to regret this,’ he thought, then said out loud, “O...kay. Let’s go somewhere more private first.”

The obstetrician led Celestia and Luna from the lobby. He mentally cursed himself as he led the Princesses down hallways and into a small empty room. Once they were inside, the mares sat beside each other in chairs, and the hapless doctor closed the door.

While it was too low to hear, faint giggling from a champion echoed through the air.

“Now, first, tell me how much you two know about pony reproduction.”

“Well, doesn’t it start with a mare and stallion cuddling, then after a day, the mare lays her eggs?” Celestia asked.

“I...am afraid that none of that is correct,” he answered sheepishly.

“Oh, but this can’t be,” Celestia said, her eyes widening. “I obviously can’t remember when I hatched from my egg, but I was there when Luna hatched from hers!”

The obstetrician straightened his glasses. “I can look into it, but could egg-laying be unique to alicorns? I suppose Flurry Heart could have hatched from an egg Princess Cadance laid, and if so, it was never told to me.”

“Egg-laying shouldn’t be exclusive to alicorns, because all mares should be able to do it!” Celestia countered.

“My apologies, and I don’t know what to say. I have been an obstetrician for over fifteen years, and I have never, ever come across any pony eggs being laid in my experience, or even heard of it happening.”

“I...see.” Luna looked at Celestia, her ears drooping. “Could our memory be even worse than we thought?”

“It appears so, and this isn’t good.” Celestia sighed in acquiescence. “Our time to retire may be even sooner than I thought, but Twilight needs at least another couple of years before we dare ask–”

Luna poked Celestia in her ribs and whispered, “Hey, our idea for Twilight to someday rule Equestria is supposed to stay a secret!”

“Oh, right, I almost forgot that too,” Celestia whispered back. She spoke normally, “Um, anyway, I’m afraid that Luna and I have...forgotten. So, could you tell us?”

“Uh, well...I guess, if you really want me to.” The stallion glanced at an empty wall and groaned. “Great. My diagram of a mare’s reproductive organs that we sometimes show expectant patients was moved. I guess I could go and…no, I shouldn’t.” He massaged his temples.

‘I can’t ask one of the nurses for it and have to tell them about THIS! I can already hear them laughing! I’ll just wing it.’ He cleared his throat and said, “Uh, okay, it starts when a mare and stallion have intercourse. Afterward, the stallion’s sperm fertilizes the mare’s eggs inside one of her fallopian tubes, then, if all goes well, the new embryo implants itself in the lining of the mare’s uterus, or ‘womb’ about two weeks later. Over the course of the next eleven months, the embryo grows into a fully-formed foal.”

“Oh,” Luna mumbled. “I suppose mares push a foal through her *censored* once the foal is fully formed in the womb?”

“Y-yes, that’s right.”

Celestia and Luna stared at each other, yet again. Any remaining confidence they had of their view on foalbirth seeped from their eyes and into non-existence.

“I see.” Celestia sighed despondently, her ears slumping sideways. “We have much to think about, but before we go, may I ask one more thing?”

“Uh…*gulp*...what is it?”

“We were...advised not to ask, but I take it that ‘intercourse’ is another word for ‘sex’? Neither Luna nor I have heard of it until today, or we just forgot, so how does sex look or feel?”

“Does it feel good?” Luna asked with curious eyes, rivaling Twilight’s eyes when her inquisitive nature was triggered.

The obstetrician’s ears stood up. His pupils contracted and his cheeks blushing. “I beg your pardon?!”

“We asked how sex feels and if it feels good?” the poor innocent soul known as “Luna” responded. “Or have you never had sex?”

“Your Highness!” he exclaimed in a high-pitched voice, his whole face red. “With all due respect, I-I don’t think this is the place for m-me to talk about my own...experiences!”

“I don’t understand.” Celestia, the other poor innocent soul, tilted her head in confusion. “We promise not to judge you, so was your sex bad, or did you do it wrong?”

“No, I…” One of the obstetrician’s eyes twitched. He lifted a forehoof and looked at it. “Oh, it’s getting late. I would love to answer that...question, but I have to go. Right now. Bye!” He ran toward the closed door, but ran into and bounced off it, letting out a pain-filled grunt. The freaked stallion swung the door open and zipped down the hallway.

“Okay, to repeat what I said before: that was weird,” Luna said. “Are invisible watches a thing?”

“I doubt it.” Celestia stared toward the open doorway. “He said that he would have ‘loved to’, so Twilight was at least wrong about ponies not wanting to talk about, in her words, ‘sex lives’.”

Luna stood from her chair. “Since everypony besides us seem to know about sex, let’s ask somepony else what it is. What do we have to lose at this point?”

“Okay. Let’s go.” Celestia rose from her chair, and she and Luna walked out of the room and down a hallway. Another male doctor, an earth pony that wore no glasses, trotted toward the clueless alicorns.

“Excuse me, do you have a moment?” Celestia asked.

“Greetings, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and yes, I have a second.”

“Okay, Luna and I are having serious memory problems about the matter, so we wanted to ask how does sex look?”

The newest victim sprung in the air, eyes bulging. “WHAT?!”

“Have you ever had it?” Luna asked.

The doctor’s cheeks reddened.

Suddenly, in both Celestia’s and Luna’s heads, memories of a mare and stallion cuddling and a mare laying eggs afterward vanished. Different memories warped into their place. They were of more “colorful” images of a mare’s and stallion’s intimacy – sex – how foals really are created, and how they are born.

Most of all, the full understanding of how a grown pony does not ask another pony they don't know if they had ever had sex, especially if they are of the opposite gender, registered in Celestia’s and Luna’s heads. Immense embarrassment assaulted not just every cell, but every atom in their bodies. Their majestically flowing manes collapsed and lay limp over their head and neck. The alicorns’ eyes bulged severely, and their faces ignited in a bright red.

For the first time, Princess Celestia bowed to a pony that wasn’t a fellow alicorn. “Oh, my, me, I am so, so, so sorry about asking that question. I-I-I don’t know what came over me.”

Luna joined in bowing. “N-n-nor do I. We are, uh–” Luna raised a forehoof and looked at it. “Oh, look at the time! We have, uh, princess duties in ten, no one minute!”

Celestia nodded, hard. “Yes we do, so let’s go! Um, bye!”

With their heads down, but their manes restarting their characteristic ethereal flowing, Celestia and Luna sprinted out of Canterlot Hospital. Outside, the royal sisters flapped their wings as hard as possible and flew over Canterlot, before finally stopping and landing near the city’s gates.

The Princess of the Day wiped her forehead of the sweat her flying had produced. “I will never be able to show my face in that hospital again, or even near it.”

“So I take it you also remembered that foals do not come from eggs and what sex is, so what in the tartarus was wrong with us?! We sounded like two buffoons in there!”

Celestia shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t have the faintest idea what was wrong. Worse, not only did we ask two stallions about their sex lives, but I asked one of them if they were bad at it! If word ever gets out about this...” Celestia collapsed to the street, covered her reddened face in utter mortification, and moaned. “Lulu, I don’t feel so good. We can’t even blame our age on this one.”

Luna leaned down and patted her sister on her back. “Do not worry, Celly. I think those doctors will be too embarrassed to dare tell even fellow doctors what we asked them.” She lifted her hoof off Celestia’s back and rose to her full height. “But more importantly, we need to figure out what was wrong with us. Maybe Twilight messed up another spell?”

Celestia rose to her hooves and thought about Luna’s theory, but shook her head. “That can’t be it. If that had been the case, she would have been trying to fix her mistake, not losing 20% of her body weight sweating and trying to...oh.” Her eyes grew at a second realization. “That is why she was so nervous! Can you imagine a mare her age trying to give mares our ages ‘the talk’?!”

“It must have been bad, but I think what we put those two poor doctors through in that hospital was worse. Nevertheless, we should do something for Twilight as an apology...and also those doctors if we ever get the nerve to face them again.”

“Yes, and I’m never doubting what Twilight says again, ever.” Celestia took a deep breath to compose herself. ”Luckily, she’s easy to appease: tell her you’re sorry, throw her a new book, and she’ll be happy–wait.” Celestia pointed her hoof in the air. “Is that Discord up there?”

“Hello, my favorite old mares!” Discord greeted, smugly lying across a cloud. “You two put on a wonderful show in that hospital! Five stars!” Five gold stars materialized and sparked around Discord’s cloud.

Celestia growled and gritted her teeth, her eyes locked in a scowl. “Discord, were you messing with our memories?!”

“Me?” Discord pointed a claw at himself. “Oh, I might have had some fun with your little memories.”

Luna’s scowled, matching her sister’s. “But why?! What is the meaning of this?! After all this time, I thought you had finally changed!”

“Oh, but I am changed! I’m 100% reformed!” Discord snapped his claw. A shirt with the words “reformed draconequus” poofed on his torso. “But let’s just say I was...helping out a friend.”

“Do you mean that Fluttershy sent you to do this?!” Celestia asked. “Why?!”

“Whaaat?” Discord laid his claw over his chest in mock surprise. ”What made you think it was my dear friend Fluttershy? Sure I’ve rubbed off on her a little, buuuuut–”

Celestia interjected, “I asked that because even we know she’s got you wrapped around her hoof.” Her ears sagged and she nervously bit her lip. “I just have no idea what we did to make her so mad.”

“What?! Fluttershy does not have me wra...oh, poo. She does.” Discord lay back on his cloud and gazed blankly upward in torn thought. “I can’t believe it. I, Discord, the Lord of Chaos, am now like a henpecked husband to a pegasus mare. I should reevaluate my life when I’m back home.”

Discord snapped from his sub-existential crisis and smirked down at the Princesses. “But that’s for later. As for your other questions...”

Discord went on to joyfully explain what was going in and why, mixed with some puns; he loves them. He also mentioned that the guard “reporting” news about conspiracy theories earlier was him in disguise.

After Discord’s story was over, Celestia said, “Oh. Well, we would be mad about you manipulating the map to ‘call’ Twilight and Spike to Canterlot, but at least Twilight learned a valuable lesson about not running from her responsibilities. The experience, strange as it was, will help her grow into a better pony.”

“In fact, Fluttershy will probably end up feeling so guilty later, she will beg Twilight to punch her. Even if she weren’t Equestria’s most feared mare when angry, we cannot get too mad at her.” Fire burned in Luna’s pupils. “However, for what you made us go through in that hospital just for ‘fun’…”

Luna’s scowl intensified. Her horn glowed blue.

Celestia jumped in front of Luna and pleaded, “W-wait! I understand how you feel, but don’t do it!”

“Why not?! Nothing I can do can inflict serious damage because he’s Discord!”

The elder alicorn glowered at Discord. Fire blazed in her eyes. “Because I want the first shot!”

With that, Celestia’s horn glowed gold. A mighty beam of magic fired from it and smashed into the cloud Discord had lain on.

The beam faded. However, the cloud that was struck, instead of being gone, had reformed to spell out “Missed me!”

From a different cloud, Discord mockingly waved his claw. “My, you are getting old, Sunbutt! That would have hit me in the good ‘ol days!”

“I’M JUST GETTING WARMED UP, DISCORD,” Celestia roared in her Royal Canterlot Voice, “AND DON’T CALL ME ‘SUNBUTT’!”

“Then how about ‘Old Mare Celly’? Or ‘Ms. Runs-to-Twilight-a-lot'? Or if you keep pigging out on cake, I could call you ‘Fatbutt’! Ooh, I like–”

A blue beam streaked toward Discord. He bent himself backward and the blast flew just over him, but took out his new cloud.


The sisters soared into the sky, both firing magic blasts. Discord dodged some blasts via aerial weaves. Other beams he teleported to evade them.

“Not bad! Now your aim is only off by about 50% of what it was one-thousand years ago!”

“WE IS GOING TO ‘50%’ YOU!!” Luna unleashed her largest beam yet, but Discord danced out of its way and teasingly stuck out his tongue.

“Better! That one was only off by 48%!”

The Equestrian Heavyweight Champion of trolling was in prime form. He and the two livid alicorns zipped through the air. Beams fired from the fury of vast humiliation lit up the sky.

Later at Canterlot’s train station...

Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy stepped off the Friendship Express and wandered into the streets of Canterlot. Fluttershy had her head hung down, and her right cheek was swollen and red.

“I still can’t believe you, Fluttershy.”

“I know, Twilight,” Fluttershy said meekly, “and I am so sorry about my plan. I was just–”

“No, I understand why you wanted to get back at me,” Twilight said in a truly understanding voice. “I should have told Spike where foals come from years ago, but I was...too squeamish. You and Rainbow shouldn’t have had to do my job for me.”

“Oh.” Fluttershy lifted her head, her shame-filled eyes shifting into puzzled ones. “Well, why did you sound so disappointed in me?”

“I wasn’t disappointed or angry at you; I just couldn’t believe that you begged me to punch you. You’re one of my best friends, so I hated to physically hurt you like that! Besides, I’m more frustrated about how everyone laughed at me about...that.” Twilight blew a deep sigh. “At least Sunset Shimmer didn’t find it funny when I told her about it in our journal.”

“I know I was persistent with my begging and even got on my knees. But, after I asked Discord to change the Princesses’ memories for something they had nothing to do with, I deserved to be punched. We even almost lost Starlight because she laughed so hard about what...happened.” Fluttershy lowered her head for a second time. “He didn’t mind my plan, but what was I thinking asking something like that?”

“Well, let’s find Celestia and Luna as fast as we can, so you can tell them what happened and apologize. They should have talked to a doctor by now, so they are probably–wait, look up there!” Twilight pointed in the air. “Is that the Princesses chasing Discord?!”

Fluttershy gasped and gazed upward. Above, Celestia and Luna, both with sweat raining from their foreheads, continued to fire beams of magic at Discord, who narrowly avoided them. A few ponies in Canterlot had their eyes on the mid-air battle; some ate popcorn or candy as they watched.

“Well, well, seven hours, and you are still going like two energizer ponies!” Discord floated sideways, still smirking at Celestia and Luna. “Impressive for ponies your age, even if you still can’t hit me!”

Fighting pants, Celestia declared, “We…*pant*...might not be in our prime anymore, but we aren’t ready to…*pant*...retire at Seaward Shoals yet!”

As the aerial battle resumed, Fluttershy laid a hoof on her cheek. “Oh, my. Discord must have already told them what happened, and I have a feeling he...waited to give them their real memories back. Should we go up there and try to stop them?”

Twilight rubbed her chin, watching the battle over Canterlot rage on. She smiled and answered, “Not yet. I have another idea.”


Twilight’s horn glowed and fired a magenta beam down at the street. Two chairs, each with a bag of popcorn sitting beside them, materialized at where the beam contacted the street; Twilight hopped onto one of them. She sat back comfortably, picked up the bag of popcorn by her chair with her magic, and floated some popcorn into her mouth.

“If I know Discord, he’s going to grow too cocky and let his guard down, so let’s see how much longer it will take before he’s hit. Then, I’ll go and ask Celestia and Luna to stop.”

Luna fired a mighty blue-colored blast. It grazed Discord’s tail, causing him to spin end-over-end.

“Yes! I got him!” Luna cheered, pumped her forehooves up and down in celebration, despite her fatigue. “Score one for Luna!”

Discord straightened out his tailspin and leered at Luna. “That was just a lucky shot, Moonbutt!”

Celestia grinned, her wariness draining from the sight of Luna successfully landing a blow. “More like your luck has run out, Discord! Now let’s see if I can give you another ‘spin’!”

Twilight smacked her cheek to knock away the huge smile that had lit on her face. She looked at Fluttershy with a sheepish grin. “D-did I say I would go and stop them after the first hit? I meant after the second–no, tenth hit. Uh, for science, not my amusement.”

Earlier, in the human world…

After Princess Twilight Sparkle had informed Sunset Shimmer about her “friendship mission” via their magically connected journals, Sunset Immediately passed the news to seven of her friends: six girls and a purple dog, Spike. They were all in Sunset’s living room when Princess Twilight’s message was sent.

However, they all shrugged their shoulders. None of them thought what the Princess of Friendship endured was amusing and went about their business.

No, of course that last paragraph isn’t true!

What actually happened is that after Sunset told her friends the news, she and most of them roared in laughter. The two friends that truly didn’t laugh, Fluttershy and Spike, watched on in silence.

“Ha ha ha! Oh, that ‘talk’ must have been a sight to see!” Rainbow shouted while holding her stomach.

“No kidding!” Twilight chimed in, her glasses tilting. “Ha ha! Poor other me!”

Tears rolled down Applejack’s eyes from laughing. “Spike not understandin’ why she was squirmin’ and sweatin’ so bad must have made it even worse! Ha ha ha!”

“Laughing at Princess Twilight like this is so wrong and undignified, but I can’t help it!” Rarity wiped tears from her eyes.

“I wish that ‘Cutie Map’ would have called me too!” Pinkie chimed in, who had fallen on her back when she started laughing. “Today was sooooo boring!”

“I wish I understood what is so funny,” Spike said with a puzzled frown.

“And I wish I knew why it feels like everything was somehow my fault,” Fluttershy said, her hand lying against her cheek.

Sunset calmed her laughing down and said, “Okay. Girls, that was hilarious, but let’s cool it before our hearts stop like Starlight Glimmer’s did.

The rest of the girls calmed their laughter, though Pinkie and Rainbow failed to suppress one final giggle.

“Now,” Sunset began, her frown and eyes oozing seriousness, “the next time Princess Twilight comes to visit us, no one spill how we were laughing about what she went through. Deal?”

“Deal,” everyone else responded.

“No complaints here,” Rainbow said, but a memory forced a shudder from her. “I will never forget what happened after we laughed at a new ‘dance’ she tried to show us.”

Author's Note:

Hmm. Sounds like some mayhem happened when Princess Twilight showed off some dancing, if she can even call her dancing "dancing"! At least the school survived whatever happened.

I was thinking of trying to have more of the aftermath of Celestia's and Luna's visit to the hospital, but I couldn't figure out a way to do it in this chapter with so much happening. That feels like something that could be better suited for a sequel than a bonus chapter if I were to do it.

Comments ( 7 )

CPR is compressing the sternum with enough force to pump the heart ,

knuckle the sternum for reaction , check vitals [Is this a real emergency?]
1. check airway [clear]
2, breath into lungs [be sure not to inflate stomach, two breaths between five compressions]
3. chest compressions [put enough force into it two fingers above the lower sternum, push hard]
repeat [with a good rhythm you can go for hours if you have to]
check for pulse or breathing

You're breathing and pumping blood for the person.

This training is "old" so get updated - They've got stuff to 'jump start' a vapor locked human after all.

nice work

Fantastic bonus chapter.

Please. Anyone who actually pays attention knows that Discord is the Super Heavyweight Champion of the Multiverse when it comes to trolling.

Celestia's doesn't even count as low grade trolling.

Shut up and take my favorite!


If you insist...I'll take it.

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