In Ponyville...
Twilight and Spike entered the Castle of Friendship’s grand two-leaved gold doors, and into its hallways. Twilight stomped along with her brows furrowed, grumbling to herself.
“Come on, Twilight,” Spike pleaded, “the Apple family promised it wasn’t personal. After what Starlight did when she drank cider after a bad day, can you blame them for being...cautious?”
“I suppose not, but I’m Twilight, not Starlight. Am I the type of pony that’s super-prone to going a little crazy?”
“Uh–”
“I just heard myself, so don’t answer that. Still, after how much they laughed when we told them...what happened with the Princesses, Granny Smith could have at least given me one cup–”
One of the hallway’s doors opened in turquoise magic. The previously mentioned off-screen bad drunk, Starlight Glimmer, trotted through it. She stopped trotting and looked toward her friends, wearing a cheerful smile. “Oh, hey, guys. Where have you two been? You were gone when I got back.”
“We were sent on a friendship mission. Twilight could barely handle it, but I still don’t get why she was freaking out and sweating about it.”
“Maybe you’ll understand in a few years.” Twilight sighed, feeling her now-dry forehead with her hoof. “I probably lost 20% of my body weight from sweating, so about twenty pounds.”
After a chuckle, Spike said, “If it’s 20%, then it’s more like you lost thirty–”
Twilight glowered at Spike. “Spike, do you really want to go there with me in this bad a mood?”
“Okay, okay. Sorry.”
“I take it the mission was a rough one?” Starlight asked, her smile flipping into a concerned frown.
Twilight and Spike explained the insane events that occurred in Canterlot Castle.
After the story was over, Starlight’s eyelids twitched, her mouth quivering. The rest of her body stood still. Taking after her mentor, Starlight.exe had ceased working.
“Starlight? Are you okay?” Twilight asked, stress from her “friendship mission" ebbing.
Spike poked Starlight in her ribs. No response. “Uh, Twi? I think that story broke her.”
A curl crept on Starlight’s quivering lips. She collapsed to the floor, erupting in howling laughter.
“That is priceless! Oh, and Celestia asked if ‘it’ went in a mare’s mouth?! Ha ha ha! I wish the map had sent me with you!” Starlight’s eyes leaked tears from her raucous laughter. She mixed in rolls as she laughed, and laughed, and laughed.
Be honest: wouldn’t you be doing the same if you were in Starlight’s place?
“Yeah, it’s real hilarious,” Twilight said sarcastically. She stormed down the hallway and into her library, trailed by Spike.
After about a minute, Starlight’s laughter abruptly ended.
“Are you finally done laughing, Starlight?! It’s about time!” Twilight whined from a chair.
“...”
“Starlight?” Twilight asked again in a more concerned voice.
“...”
Something was amiss, so Twilight and Spike hurried out of the library and to where they had left Starlight. The duo’s mouths dropped.
On the floor, Starlight lay motionless on her side, eyes closed. A peaceful smile remained marked on her face.
“Starlight?!” Twilight and Spike shouted in unison. They dashed to Starlight, and Twilight shook her with her hooves.
“...”
“Starlight Glimmer, talk to us!” Twilight shook Starlight again, harder.
“...”
Spike felt Starlight’s neck. His eyes widened. “Twilight, I can’t feel a pulse! She actually died laughing!”
“What?!” Twilight felt Starlight’s neck, followed by her eyes joining Spike’s eyes in widening. “You’re right! Find some help, quick, and I’ll apply CPR!”
Spike bolted out of the castle; Twilight rolled Starlight onto her back and applied chest compressions.
“Starlight, you can’t die! You’re too young, and I still need a chance to laugh at you like you did at me!” Twilight switched chest compressions with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
After half a minute with no progress made, Twilight’s horn glowed magenta. A spark of electricity struck the dying unicorn.
Later, in the ICU of Ponyville’s Hospital...
“Twilight, I think she’s waking up!”
With a weak moan, Starlight pulled open her eyes. She was on her back in a hospital bed; Twilight and Spike stood beside Starlight’s bed. An oxygen mask covered Starlight's mouth and muzzle, and steady beeps from an EKG machine pulsed in the background.
“Oh...what happened?” Starlight started to roll toward the direction of her friends, but a stabbing pain in her chest stopped her movement and forced out a yelp.
“You died,” Spike answered nonchalantly.
“I what?!” Starlight shouted with her pupils shrinking to pinpricks, but she yelped from another stab of pain in her chest. “But I wasn’t ready to die! I still haven’t kissed...wait.” Starlight’s fear warped into confusion, allowing her pupils to regrow to normal size. “If I’m dead, how can I feel pain, and how can you see or hear me? Did I kill us by messing up spells, because I’m sorry if I did!”
“Don’t worry, Starlight. You’re still alive, and you didn’t kill anypony by messing up spells,” Twilight assured gently. “Plus, it’s not possible for you to accidentally kill anypony with spells.” She scraped the floor with a forehoof and continued, “After the third time I did it and Chrysalis revived us, I cast a worldwide spell to make all Equestrians immune to death by magical mishaps. It’s a long story, so don’t ask what happened.”
“Okay, but before I do it anyway and also ask how high was your body count, why did Spike say I died?”
Twilight answered, “Clinically, you did: you laughed so hard and long after hearing about our ‘friendship mission’, you suffocated yourself and your heart stopped.”
“But Twilight saved you by restarting your heart, but she broke four of your ribs by mistake while performing CPR on you.”
A grateful smile eased itself on Starlight’s lips. “Oh, thank you so much, Twilight, but what made me–” Starlight’s lips quivered. Another round of laughter followed, this time mired with the pain from her broken ribs. The beeping from the EKG picked up speed.
“Ow, oh I remember! Ha ha-ow! I’m so, so sorry–ow, and laughing is killing my chest, but–ow, that was just too funny!”
Twilight rolled her eyes. She took some solace in that both Starlight would be fine and that her laughing was painful, to Starlight. “Well, Spike, let’s tell the others that she’s going to be okay, given she doesn’t suffocate herself from laughing again.”
“Wait, Twilight, I just thought of something. It was your electric spell that restarted Starlight’s heart and only took you one try, right?”
She nodded. “That’s right.”
“Why didn’t you do that first instead of CPR? Did you forget?”
“No."
Spike scratched his head in bewilderment. “So why did you still do CPR? You wouldn’t have broken her ribs if you had given her heart a shock first.”
The alicorn scowled at the still-laughing and yelping Starlight, whose tears flowed down her face and oxygen mask as she laughed.
“Spike, I know.”
i-
huh
I've been waiting for this, lmao.
This was funny
Yes. Yes, I would.
Because she haves a crush on her and used that chance kiss her and get a little payback
Now I'm afraid what she would do to Discord and Fluttershy if she ever learns the truth.
I think the bonus chapter would be quite.... interesting.
That’s just too funny, thanks for the story!
I never know what you’re on when you write these, and they’re still hilarious.
I would be very interested in seeing the hospital scene and subsequent fallout. Because unless Discord wipes all relevant memories from everyone involved, this is going to end up in the tabloids eventually, and I’m not sure Equestria can handle the aftermath.
Please add a chapter Detailing a Doctor and Celestia Having 'the talk'
10859925
Is that new name for Cutie Marks
10859591
Thanks and glad you liked it! I went back and forth a little on if I would write this story before deciding to just go for it.
10859625
Who's to say Celestia isn't the Equestrian Super Heavyweight Champion...?
But now yet another story came to mind, with the Equestrian Heavyweight Champion actually being a thing, with Discord as the reigning champion, and Celestia going all-out with her trolling to win the title,
I was thinking that would a twist that few, if any, would see coming. Discord being behind the whole thing would be par for the course for that troll, but Fluttershy?! You know what they say about bewaring the quiet ones...
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You're welcome and glad you enjoyed the story!
10859770
That's for me to know and the world never to find out Though the idea for this story didn't come from that, but from a comment in the "Rarity Gives 'The Talk'" story.
10859917
If there was a way to have that sound effect in the story when spike "said" *censored*, it would have been perfect to have in it!
You might get a laugh if you use the site's, text-to-speech function for the part in bold. When I did during proofreading the story, I thought it was about to say "sticks his ass" because the text-to-speech says the word "asterisk" when it reaches an askerisk in a story.
10859926
Those two lines you pointed out are among some of my favorites ones in the story. I would have laughed hard if someone else wrote this story and I was reading it
10859985
Eh, some cringe is a good thing I'd say
10860030
Pretty much everything, and Fluttershy hated saying every word, especially the "juicy" facts. Poor thing.
Glad you enjoyed the story!
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Since it looks like there will be enough interest, I will write a bonus chapter showing what happens with Celestia and Luna at the hospital. I'm beginning to write its first draft, so I think it'll be out in about 5 or 6 days, give or take a day.
The first chapter was frankly hilarious, and had me in giggling fits like a 12-year-old. The cartoonish humour was on point (though some of the meta-text in the prose itself felt unnecessary for me), and the dialogue was really great.
The second chapter was a wee bit too much for me. Honestly, I think the story works better as a single chapter thing. There's always the risk of stretching a joke too thin, but that's just personal taste, you know.
were can i find this story on fim fiction hmm?
If 5% of Twi's weight is 20lbs than her full weight is 400lbs or about 180kg. Twilight needs to diet hard.
10860624
Whoops! I did in math in my head wrong badly. it was meant to be 20% of her body weight, putting Twi at 100 lbs...or 150 lbs if Spike was right
10860677
100lb for a pony? You all need to read this...
https://www.besthorserider.com/how-much-does-a-pony-weigh/
Perhaps we don't need a 1klb sparkle butt but a 100lb Twilight just seems super tiny or bulimic to the point of near death.
nice job on story do that bonus story with twilight and sunset
10860153
Good to know(?)
10860234
Glad you liked the story and got laughs out of it, or at least the first chapter.
While I can't say too much due to spoiler reasons, I can at least say that I have already taken that into account.
10860598
If it's out there, I would want to read it too. I might write it, since that was one of the things I put in the story as prequel bait.
10860783
I really wasn't thinking too much about how much might Equestrian ponies weigh, especially with cartoon logic and all that. Though, 200 lbs was my initial thought for Twilight's weight when I was trying to choose a weight for Twilight, or at least this version of her.
On a side note, love your avatar pic! That may or may not be accurate to how Celestia may look at one point in the bonus chapter...
10860810
Glad you enjoyed the story! The bonus chapter's not really going to be about Twilight and Sunset, though, outside of maybe Sunset being referenced.
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what i mean is she tells sunset and see how she reacts to the story
10860153
A fun and playful poke at MLP characters if they had to deal with real life scenarios, I found this really enjoyable to read!
10861626
Yes indeed.
10861928
Thanks and glad you enjoyed this little silly story!
10860598
My thoughts exactly.
10862328
It just popped into my head and I couldn't resist
More
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And you will get more in a few days.
10863583
Thanks, and I really liked your "Twilight Sparkle Lays an Egg" story, so thanks for writing that!
Likely wouldn’t be by accident. The compression part of CPR has to effect the lungs, ribs are in between those and your hands so a lot of instances of resuscitation will likely result in cracked bones. It’s why the first thing your supposed to do is check the mouth and airway so you rule out anything that doesn’t involve chest compressions.
10865803
It was only a few months ago when I learned about how CPR often cracks ribs since I never was trained in it. One of those less pretty facts that movies and shows tend to leave out.
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Yep, that, the almond smell of cyanide only being detectable to half the population, chloroform taking about five min to work, lemmings going off cliffs only when film makers commit animal cruelty, piranhas only skeletonizing when literally starved, and so many other things that film and television have lied and continue to lie about.
“After the third time I did it and Chrysalis revived us, I cast a worldwide spell to make all Equestrians immune to death by magical mishaps. It’s a long story, so don’t ask what happened.”
Chrysalis did what?