• Member Since 10th Feb, 2014
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Comments ( 72 )

Real tense atmosphere. And... crunchy.

I'll show you crunchy.

Woah...that was a pretty thrilling first chapter, albeit odd. Either something was imitating Trixie or some other misunderstanding happened. But I’m hoping Trixie’s just got a really convenient case of amnesia.

You told me to leave a mean comment so here it is. Stupid doodiehead

I bet you don't even like women. #sexist

Best comment on the site right now.

Interesting start, I'mma keep an eye on this one. :pinkiecrazy:

My current theory, ocelus has a power similar to Sunset geode only it has a nasty side effect, the cold caused by ocelus when they touched was some of the life force leaving the body, and fans of the X-men franchise already know where I'm going with this.

I'm really digging the ideas you've presented so far. Additionally, your execution is nice and steady; the story is pulling along at a nice pace. But there's one thing I wanted to bring up: I think you nailed the Student 6 as a group. I tend to find them written in a way that seems unbalanced or clammy, but for once I did enjoy reading their interactions. On that note—since I'm not much of a thinker, let's just say I'm looking forward to more.

A very special thanks to MissytheAngel

This is why you have editors. Dummy

(Spoilers for the first 2 chapters.)

All the clues points to Ocellus being controlled to commit murder, but I'm hoping this will end up being well written enough for that to be a red-herring. Still, it's hard to ignore the evidence, and that's the only theory I could come up with.

Clues that Ocellus is the murderer:
- Starlight considering it might be a changling
- Ocellus knowing about the murder
- Ocellus being tired despite "getting enough sleep"
- Double Trixies (Ocellus could've disguised as her to lure Starlight out)

The problem is that this is TOO obvious, so obvious it feels like it must be a red-herring.

There's also so much else going on at the same time, the love story, the movie, and the recurring themes of time and existensial dread.

So far this seems incredibly well written, and I'm completely hooked. It'll be interesting to see how all these threads tie together.

Not a major spoiler, but don't read if you like finding things out for yourself.
It's not a red herring and very intentionally obvious. Although, it is alluding away from something far less obvious. Or maybe it is a red herring, and I should get a better understanding of my tropes.

Thanks! It took some work making sure none of the characters were talking heads and that the dialogue wasn't stiff. I knew right away that the tone for this chapter had to be chatty since I introduced so many characters at once.

Hmm, maybe there's something there.

Why an eye? Can't you use a bookmark?

Only you would recognize the best.

Pizza time.

I've never quite understood how bookmarks work, on this site, honestly.

As for the second chapter, I'm probably just too tired, but it got a little hard to read in some spots. Some examples:

Gallus picked his hand up from the table and waved it for Silverstream to settle down, yes, settle down — none of that now! “It probably wasn’t a murder.

Starlight always thought it was a cliché to say, “You could cut the tension with a knife” but in this case, something of the equivalent and more appropriate came to mind.

I'm quite liking the premise of this story, though I'm too tired to even begin to guess where you're going with it, may I suggest getting an editor or two on-board to help you out? Personally, I always feel it's good practice to get some extra eyes on your work before you send it out into the world.

To clarify: your writing isn't bad by any stretch of the word, I'm just noticing a few pacing and phrasing hiccups. Maybe a few hitches in characters acting or responding in ways that don't feel entirely natural, though I'm fully willing to admit that's a personal preference.

Lmao, I had several editors look at the draft, actually, and I was making a joke about the bookmark.

Strong opening. It reminded me of The Lurking Horror (a classic piece of interactive fiction where going outside the school also risks being eaten by a monster or hypothermia in the terrible blizzard).

Ooo, I'll have to check it out!

I couldn't tell humor from text aaaaaaaaaa

“Congrats on the new girlfriend, loverboy.” Smolder gave him a toothy grin. “Congrats on the new girlfriend, loverboy.”

I think you will see a repetitious mistake here.

So, initially I thought the first chapter had some out of place attempts at humor which fell flat for me, but I was interested enough in the events as a whole and mystery.

But chapter two was a much needed improvement over the first. You characterization is spot on and fun to read, and the humor felt more in place than the previous chapter.

That being said, when you switch perspective I believe it is unneeded to show who it is in colorful, bold text. We can tell as readers from just reading the story who we are in perspective of.

I am real interested in where this is heading, because as I said, chapter two was really good as a whole. Keep it up, broski.

Also, one last thing, this might be an issue only present in the initial chapters, but this reads more like a mystery than a thriller.

this was-
horribly unsettling, and I love it.
These types of stories are my favorite by a long shot.

Skedaddle really didn't live up to his name. Yikes.

I am liking how brutal this story is getting. Skedaddle should have listened to his namesake.

Very nice use of sensory imagery to start the story.

“Honestly?” Gallus shrugged. “I think it was a prank.”

Of course. There is no social experiment quite like all of those red tags.

Skedaddle's parents get an F in the gremlin-naming department. Oh well, better luck next spawn.

Silverstream jolted upward, eyes wide and looking as if she were about to hurl. “ Please , stop talking about that!”

I always talk about graphic murders at lunch. It adds spice to the meal. Silverstream is just being a pussy.

Why don't you like Primal Instinct?

There are some things that I like about it, but it's a bit too messy.

This chapter was certainly interesting, and I'm loving it!

It's just a theory, Changeling theory

“What?” Ocellus yelled back at it. “What are you talking about?”

I dunno seems like our mystery creature was speaking pretty plain Equestrian to me.

Well, that was a lot of blood, quite a traumatic experience for Ocellus she might need some Therapy after that, but clearly the worst has yet to come especially with her being labelled the top suspect of the murders without much evidence to back it up.

The Luna will have her work cut out for her if these horrible "Dreams" still refuse to die.

The entity or "Chrysalis" as this is loosely based on Primal Instinct, so she must have a connection somewhere in this story, also look at what is going on with Starlight all ponies, something attempted to kill her but is instead now toying with her mind and taunting her in her sleep.

The Fact that Ponyville and its surrounding areas have now experience 2 Murders in just two short days will bring the entire Town into its knee's, Newspapers will have a field trip reporting on this, Mayor Mare will be forced to make though decisions on the safety of her citizens.

It is now almost 2 months since the last chapter was added, the mystery is still afoot though and were nowhere close to solving it.

Chapter is being written. ;)

Really nice to see this still moving along. Bit shook by how things started unfolding, here. I'll just have to see where you're headed.

well crap... something is corrupting the minds of ponies... me thinks its that "gem" in the chest...

You still write a great thriller. Not sure where you're going after this, but this is my favorite Creature Six story out there and it's got me hooked.

Creature Six? Is that what there calling those Six from the School of Friendship now?

Meant to say Student Six, haha. I don't read too much about them so I forgot what they were collectively called.

It's all good. I wonder what the 5 new main characters in Gen 5 will be called. :duck:

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