• Member Since 28th Dec, 2014
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Wintermist


T
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Twilight has too much time on her hooves.

Twilight has a spell that involves 'transposing male characteristics' that she hasn't tried yet.

Twilight is about to get herself into a whole world of trouble.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 57 )

Memories shunted together like shiny little blocks in her head, forming a cute little train. It chugged through the delicately shameful landscape of her preparations to cast the spell from the book, paused, and then apologetically crashed into a sheer wall.

This may be the best thing I've read all week.

"...okay, look, I can explain through the medium of running away."

And we have a new high score.

"I'm afraid not. There has been quite enough meddling with the time stream already. It simply wouldn't be safe."

"Based on the eddies in the space-time continuum, this is the fourth time you've done this."

The thought occurs that Applejack never did directly confront Twilight about the previous day's activities, since she knew she wouldn't be able to pull it off with a straight face. Brilliant detail.

In all, this was some epic hilarity... though it's also the kind of thing that leads to devastating coups and certain unicorns ruling Equestria with an iron hoof. Celestia really played with fire. Still a hilarious read, though. Thank you for it.

What did I just read? And where can I get more?

That made my day! Celestia knows her student so very well to set this up, wonder what else she knows about her.

Of course, this means war.

Wickedly funny - absolutely brilliant!
Surely your finest work!

:pinkiehappy:

I’m confused by Luna calling Twilight her husband, was that part of the joke or did I miss something?

Hilarious.

The postscript brings up an interesting sci-fi conundrum: If a male version of yourself and a female version of yourself did the nasty, would it be considered sex, masturbation or incest? Would the offspring of such a union be unique, or would it be a clone? To quote Kelly Bundy, the mind wobbles.

9444504
Twilight wasn't allowed to be wed by Celestia because of one particular circumstance, she says right before Luna comes in calling Twilight her husband.

It's heavily implied that Twilight 'did' have sex with Luna for real, and as such, shall be (forced to) marry(ing) her

9444512
It would be particularly strong incest.

9444537
Or at least, this is Lunas part of the prank.

Poor poor Twilight...

Did twilight fuck herself

9444092
OMG I missed the bit about how Applejack stays offscreen! Brilliant detail!

She really shouldn't.

I sincerely doubt that'll stop you.

No; it was better for all her books to sit nice and safe in her warm and cosy tree house, where she could dust them, sing to them, and devise new ways to categorise and alphabetise them whenever they seemed fretful.

NEEEERD!

And if it did what she thought it might do, then she - she could make notes! Not that anypony could ever, ever see those notes. This was secret science.

The best kind of science?

Twilight feebly waved a hoof in front of her face, groaning, "Nooo..." in the general direction of everything that ever was or ever would be. It wasn't that she was against the continued existence of all Equestria, but if it could possibly just - just go away for another few hours, then...

I call that Tuesday morning.

Twilight surveyed the ruins of her fallen bedroom empire, sighed, and decided to let the barbarians have this one for now.

Fun fact, Barbarian was a term in Ancient Greece to refer to someone who didn't speak Greek. So, as much as the D&D term applies to Kratos, the original term doesn't.

"Why, hello... darling," Rarity cooed at her, stepping inside with the slow, deliberate movements of a mare on a catwalk. She wore an elaborate purple hat, resting delicately on her finely coiffed hair.

So, average Thursday for her.

Rarity reached over and clasped Twilight's face between both hooves, gazing brightly into her face. "Why, I am pregnant!"

Beg pardon?

Rarity blushed prettily. "You're so kind today. When do you think you can move in? Or shall we alternate? I know how much the library means to you."

I'm, sorry? Twilight, what did you do?

"Oh, yes." Rarity blushed more deeply, rubbing her cheek with one hoof, shyly looking aside from Twilight, then back at her from the corner of her eye. "You were so charming, and forceful, I could hardly believe it. And I would have never dreamed there were spells to give you one of those."

"One of those," Twilight echoed blankly.

Fanning herself, Rarity nodded. "My, my. It seems magic can work wonders I'd never dreamt of. Or - perhaps had dreamt of, but certainly never expected to happen. Those lean flanks of yours, thrusting..." She trailed off, with a far-off look in her eyes.

... I beg your pardon?

"Well... yeah," conceded Rainbow, rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly with one hoof. Unable to meet Twilight's eyes, she went on, "I like feeling the wind with my whole body, y'know? But you said... you'd like it if I... dressed a bit more, like, cute for you."

Twilight, what did you DO?

There was, after all, no way that Fluttershy would be involved in anything that involved - well, lewdness.

Hopelessly bewildered, Twilight looked down at the book she now reflexively held. Letters picked out in gold leaf read, 'Our Wedding Plan'.

Oh dear.

Ponies flashed past. Mayor Mare called out to her, rubbing her belly with one hoof meaningfully. Twilight ducked down an alley and emerged beside the Spa, only to reel away from Lotus and Aloe as they emerged hoof in hoof, and greeted her, "We are very prone to twins, you know." Golden Harvest winked and stroked a carrot suggestively between her hooves as Twilight barrelled between the stalls, slipping on flyers that littered the square.

What the HELL happened to you last night?

"Well, yeah! You're Applejack's special somepony now, so that makes you mah other big sister. Ah sure am lookin' forward to having a 'lil niece or nephew! Ah won't be the youngest no more!" she chirruped.

Eh?

...was it possible that Pinkie hadn't gotten caught up in all of this? That Pinkie was the only normal mare in town?

Those did not feel like good odds.

I am inclined to agree.

"She's gonna be super studious, and pass all her exams, then party so hard she burns down the school! It's gonna be great."

You TERRIFY me.

"I'm not pregnant. Stallions don't get pregnant." He paused, as Twilight nodded along blissfully, then finished sharply, "Mrs. Cake is."

OOOH.

"...I'm a blanket," Twilight whispered earnestly, and pulled her head back into concealment.

I wouldn't be surprised to learn that'd work.

"Stop! The Great and Pregnant Trixie demands that you stop!"

Of course.

The door out of the carriage was locked. Fortunately, Twilight knew a great many lock-picking spells of surpassing delicacy and intricacy.

REALLY?

Twilight blew the side of the carriage off.

Sounds about right.

"You are expected. Pass, Twilight Sparkle," one of them declared sonorously, stepping aside.

That, Twilight concluded, wasn't good.

You'd be right.

Celestia gestured with her horn, and the library's sound-dampening charm shimmered across the walls as it was suppressed. From somewhere in the distance, but coming closer, the unmistakable, bone-shuddering reverb of the Royal Canterlot Voice sounded.

Oh dear.

"I don't believe there is. Nothing that you could say, no." Celestia's eyes were hooded, suddenly smouldering invitingly.

That's bad.

"Would you happen, by some really strange coincidence, to be pregnant right now?"

Yep.

Celestia's brows raised slightly. "Twilight, really. After the way you pounded me, I could hardly be otherwise."

Called it.

"After what you just did to me? I came back for one reason only," future Twilight breathed huskily. Turning, she hunched down a little and flicked up her tail, presenting her haunches. "You're the one that time-jumped first, so take responsibility for your actions. Do me again."

Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "Go fuck yourself."

"It was March the thirty-first."

No.

"So that only leaves the adult mare population of Ponyville."

Oh.

"None of whom are pregnant either, or at least, not pregnant thanks to you."

Interesting choice of phrasing.

"Enchanted paper," replied Celestia with a shrug.

What.

Twilight blinked. "That's possible? That's fascinating! I didn't know you could do anything like that! You have to teach me - no, no, wait." She took a breath. "I'm still mad, and you can't bribe me with magic spells I've never seen before."

"I absolutely can," observed Celestia.

"...you can," admitted Twilight.

I got nothing, that's just fucking funny.

"I have found thee at last... husband."

OH, oh no harry.

She'd never even seen one, outside of medical textbooks.

This is rather implausible, given ponies don't generally wear clothes.

9445209 Fair point. What I meant was an erect one.

Do note that Celestia stated that Twilight didn't get anyone pregnant, not that she didn't screw anyone.

But Luna won that contest hooves down. That timing was simply perfect :rainbowlaugh:

I enjoyed this up till the train scene.

Yesterday, I had to travel the length of the UK via plane, train, bus and automobile. Took from six thirty in the morning to nine at night. In the process, I wrote this.

You should travel more often.

I thought this'd just be a funny little raunchy comedy.

I got it half right. It was a hilarious and brilliant raunchy comedy. Bravo, friend. Bravo.

"There she is! Get the apple rammer!"

Oh stars above i hope it's not a hydrolic piston... or a jackhammer.

Now I need to go find the story where Applejack gets one of the power loaders from Aliens again.

9445593

i hope it's not a hydrolic piston... or a jackhammer.

AJ's porn name is totally 'Applejackhammer'.

9445647
Nice. Safe to say Rainbows would be "Ram Jet." Also works if she became a transformer.

"And she wasn't actually lying."

"...oh."

Oh my...

Not sure what I expected out of this, but it was hilarious. The ending was absolutely perfect. Trollestia, engage! :trollestia:

And that's how you break Twilight. Bravo. The best was Mr Cake, though Rarity was fun too.

A fun story, and your writing always has such masterful use of imagery and smilies... Jealousy wars with amusement.

"How did you get my future self to cooperate with all this? She's me," Twilight objected.

"Sooner or later, you will look back and find this funny. I'm sure you can imagine wanting to see the look on your face."

Oh my. I was expecting future Twilight to actually be a Changeling, but I suppose since this story appears to take place during the Unicorn Twilight era, a friendly Changeling wouldn't make sense.
:pinkiehappy:

This was wonderful, I just couldn't stop laughing. As for the contest,

"No, no, no," she panted, skidding around a corner, no longer sure where she was running to , but crystal clear on what she was running from. She was pretty sure she was saturated out on horror, but to her considerable surprise she suddenly found she was wrong as she nearly bumped into Apple Bloom and saw the adoring look in the filly's eyes.
Twilight's jaw dropped, and her legs suddenly lost coordination. Her ankles tangled, and she executed a beautiful somersault across the street, smashing to a stop upside down in the wreckage of a barrel.

I have a feeling that as long as there's no age requirement Apple Bloom at least has the "'Best despair face" part in the bag. Also, while my love of Twiluna may bias me, I truly hope those last lines weren't part of the April fools prank and that something did happen with Luna. Of course, if something did happen, that opens up the wonderful possibility of future Luna ending up having a ménage a Twilight. Now that's a scene I'd love to read, especially if it happened to come from an amazing author with a gift for writing clop stories:trixieshiftleft: :trixieshiftright:.

Comment posted by rooks_fanfiction deleted February 8th

this was a wild ride

I’m surprised Trixie was even in position for her to be involved.

Oof...hot damn. this was a stress-test for everyone's favorite little book-pony.
Bravo once again.

9446611 Well, I left what happened in Twilight's blackout pretty open-ended; she could have done very little (other than her future self) and all the mess was part of the set-up, or she could have done pretty much everyone in Ponyville. Celestia was certainly claiming that Twilight couldn't marry anyone else because she'd already married Luna, but Celestia doesn't have a strong track record with the truth at this point.

I don't consider my own ideas for what happened any more canon than anyone elses, but if you'd like to know what I picture, I think Twilight banged Luna on every flat surface in the library, and Celestia is taking a little playful revenge for Twilight seducing her sister.

I clenched my fists in intense anticipation and mock indignation the moment when you pulled out the future Twilight.
Well played. Well played...

The door out of the carriage was locked. Fortunately, Twilight knew a great many lock-picking spells of surpassing delicacy and intricacy.

Twilight blew the side of the carriage off.

Nice. :twilightsmile:

This was just a precious read. Thank you.

9446359
With that qoute in mind I personally believe that Twilight herself won the Best Despair Face Contest.
The idea that she may want to go back or forward in time as a transexualized version of herself to have MORE sex with herself ... That is some mind breaking stuff there...

9444593
at the very least a very specific kind of narcissism.

Well. That was unexpected.

watch my respond to this masterpiece of a story

Comment posted by Titanicgaming360 deleted February 8th

huh. someone already pointed out applejack staying ''offscreen'' because she couldn't lie, but i just realized that spike was entirely absent, too. which means that either he ran away after being traumatized by twilight's antics... or he simply avoided the library so he couldn't ruin the prank. I'm not sure which is funnier.

Oh man. You really had me going there. Great job with this story!

:moustache: You're crazy if I'm cleaning this mess up....
:trollestia: But you'll miss all the fun!
:duck:
:facehoof:
:derpytongue2: male characteristics ? 1, never ask for directions. 2, scratch their bellies on the lazy-boy burping beer bubbles. 3, farting and blaming the cat. 4, eating all the cookies and blaming the dog. 5, burning down the Everfree Forest while starting the Bar-B-Q. 6, leaving the toilet seat up after using the bathroom. and 7, snoring like an active flamecano and always denying it...

9444512

The child wouldn't be genetically identical to the parent (at least for the human genetic system, ponies might be different). In Humans the genome contains two copies of each gene, one from each parent. When each egg and sperm is produced the two copies are mixed together and semi randomly one of each copy of each gene is passed on. Thus it's highly unlikely that the child would have exactly the same gene's as the parent.

So the whole thing was a prank I don’t even know how livid I would be if that happened to me with twilights track record Celestia is lucky twilight didn’t do anything drastic in fact I wouldn’t be surprised if she just moved towns because of what Ponyville did

So, she married Luna, and in retaliation Celestia pranked her.

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