“This emergency meeting of the Royal Alchemy Guild will now come to order!” Bunsen Burner, chairpony of the Guild and one of the older ponies in the room, banged the table he was sitting at in the conference hall with his hoof. The ponies present all snapped to attention, looking at their leader. Well, all aside for one. “Arcane, I would appreciate it if you didn't brew potions using your portable alchemy kit during the meeting.”
“I'm paying attention, though.”
“Be that as it may, it's still unprofessional. What if Princess Celestia walked in here? What would she say?”
Arca shrugged. “‘Hello’, if I had to wager a guess. Juniper, pass me that bag of tea leaves.” His apprentice just rolled her eyes and hoofed him the requested ingredient.
“Ugh, forget it. We don't have time for this,” Bunsen lamented. “The reason I've called you all here today is because one of our guild members has been arrested.” Gasps and murmurs reverberated among the twenty ponies present.
“Did he steal a carriage or something?”
“No, Arcane. Much worse. I have the reports right here,” the chairpony explained, pulling out a large binder. “According to this, thirty days ago, several dozen residents of Baltimare began complaining of migraines and later on had to be restrained due to hallucinations. They all recovered, but the investigation found that they all had purchased a sleep aid from a local alchemist. She's currently in custody and awaiting trial, but she insists that she did nothing wrong and that she doesn't know why her potions did what they did. She also suffered the same effects, despite not drinking the potion, which has the court thinking she was using some other ingredient to cause this. So, Celestia has sent us a copy of her recipe to see just what, if anything, is out of place.”
Around the table, members of the board spoke up in turn. “That's horrible!” “She's a disgrace to the guild.” “Seems like an open and shut case.” “What could drive somepony to do that?” “Oh, geez. Surehoof's really backed himself into a corner this time…”
All eyes focused on Arca as he added that last comment, noticing that he had picked up a Detective Surehoof comic and wasn't paying attention anymore.
“Arca!”
“Huh? Yeah?” He looked up, focusing back on Bunsen. “You done with all the yammering? I got bored after you said all the victims recovered since that means everything is fine now, yeah?”
Bunsen would have slammed his forehead into the table at that remark years ago, but he was used to it by now. “No, Arca, we have to figure out what's wrong with this formula. Since I prepared the ingredients ahead of time, can we use your alchemy kit?”
“Sure! This one's in use, though, so we'll have to use my spare!” Arca summoned an identical portable alchemy kit, and started setting up. “Juniper, let's get cooking! Gimmie that recipe.” Snatching a copy, Arca began passing Juniper the ingredients. “Juniper, why don't you show these guys how good at alchemy you are these days? I think I can trust you with this. Follow that recipe, and make me proud!”
“You got it, Boss!” Juniper hopped to attention and readied herself for the impromptu test. She was examining a formula in front of some of the most influential alchemists in the guild, she couldn’t afford to mess up! Under the watchful eyes of her mentor, she announced each part of the recipe as she added it in, adjusted for making a single dose. “Two cups of water. Bring to a boil, add chopped sophor shroom.” She reached over and grabbed the ingredient with her hoof, mixing it in. “Three drops of milk, a pinch of sloth fur, one fresh nightblossom flower-”
“Waaaaaiiiiiiiit!” Her hoof was stopped by a magical field as she reached for the nightblossom. Arca was the culprit. “You don’t have magic, so let me get that one,” he began, levitating the flower into the mixture. “You have to exercise a lot of caution around those. Nightblossoms are toxic!”
Bunsen slammed his hoof on the table, interrupting Juniper’s response. “That’s preposterous! I’ve had nightblossom tea every night for the past twenty years and suffered no ill effects! How could a flower used in teas and medicines the world over be toxic without anypony noticing?!”
Arcane cast Bunsen a confused glance. “What are you talking about, they’ve been toxic since their discovery and… oooh. I get it. You’ve never handled a fresh nightblossom, have you?”
“I don’t see what the freshness of it has to do with anything.”
“Question time, then! Bunsen, how are nightblossoms farmed?”
“Simple, they are farmed in the mountains of Neighpon by unicorns, dried, and shipped out all over the world as an uncommon ingredient. Why?”
Arca grinned a smile that implied he knew more than Bunsen did, which was likely true. “And do you know WHY they are farmed exclusively by unicorns?” Upon hearing a few responses of ‘no’ from those present, he continued. “When nightblossom flowers were first discovered 800 years ago, they were called nightmare blossoms. This is because the fresh flowers secrete a neurotoxin as a defense against anything eating the flowers. It causes migraine headaches, and vivid, often terrifying, hallucinations, and it spreads on contact with the flower. They last for a few days as it gets flushed from your system. The flowers were farmed exclusively by unicorns because they are the only tribe with magic to safely lift them. I guess that knowledge got lost over the years.”
“Wait, did you say migraines and hallucinations? As in, the unforeseen side effects we’re discussing?”
Arca nodded furiously. “Yeah, crazy coincidence, right? Drying them or boiling them like in this potion renders the poison inert, so they are almost always dried before being shipped out. Fresh ones have to be boiled, like we just did. Now, if we had a restoria root, adding that could theoretically reactivate the poison and since none of you even knew the flowers were toxic, it’d be case closed, total accident!”
Juniper looked at the recipie, then Arcane, then the ponies gathered, and back to the recipe. “Well, Boss, guess what the next ingredient is.”
“Is it cheese?” Arca asked, hope sparkling in his eyes. “More specifically of the nacho variety?”
“Nope. Restoria root.”
“Aw… Well, you can do that on your own, then. Keep going, Juniper! We’ll find out what’s wrong with this potion yet!”
And with that, the board of directors fulfilled their quota of simultaneous facehooves for the meeting.
“Well, that went well,” Juniper remarked as she and her mentor trotted through the guild’s gardens. “Who would have thought that such a common item held a secret danger like that? I guess we should always be careful what we use around the house and how we use it.”
“I couldn’t have said it better myself, Juniper. And I’m glad that poor alchemist mare is going to be released and compensated for the trouble. Honestly, who lost the warning label on those things a few hundred years ago!? Now the Nieghponese unicorns won’t let other tribes farm those flowers for ‘tradition’, but I bet that’ll change when they get reminded how dangerous those are! Seriously, if I had touched it, I’d be hallucinating of horrible creatures approaching right now!”
“Arcie-warkie! I came to find you at your guild since you weren’t home to ask me out for Hearts and Hooves day! I missed you, my love~”
“See, Juniper? Now I need to go brew an antidote. There goes my afternoon.”
Every so often, the guild should hold an all-comers-welcome trivia contest, with the goal being to match increasingly obscure alchemical facts until somepony gives up. Then when Arca gets involved, they should be sure to write everything down.
'twould be better if he could be convinced to simply record It all on his own initiative, but we all know how he'd react to being put in front of a pile of blank paper and fresh quills.
Oh, Arca has written the stuff down. The problem is that it is spread across millions of scraps of paper that are spread all over Equestria. It is likely that an old cookbook somewhere has an alchemical formula in the margins.
THis is like the facts not written down because everyone knows that only applies for a short time
It's one of those 'it's so old we forgot about it.' kind of situations.
9466159
Paper airplanes, doodles, and blueprints for devices to catch The Duck?
9466172
"Arca?"
"Yes, Princess-boss?"
"Why is there a recipie for weight loss potion... in my personal diary... in your hoofwriting?!"
I can't decide if Arcane should or should-not-under-any-circumstances-ever spend some time with Dotted Line...
I do find that many so-called 'deadly' ingredients are actually quite tasty! *Alondro munches upon Amanita phalloides mushrooms* Mmmm, the deadly cyclic polypeptide toxins make them tangy.
Who needs RNA polymerases anyway these days? Sooooo Pre-Cambrian!
Poor Arcade suffering that 'hallucination'!
I enjoy watching Arca's suffering at Jezebel's hoofs.
9466295
And pretty much everything else except for what he was actually supposed to be doing. Distraction is a great motivator.
Great chapter.
9466334
Or Schadenfreude.
this story wins. every single chapter.
9466770
Thank you! Having folks enjoy my wprk is the best reward I could get for the effort. I boubt we would have made it past chapter 3 if it wasn't for the fans!
9466814
well id love to do some fan art of juniper and arca, do you have any art or descriptions i could go off of??
9466720
My headcannon:
Schadenfreude finds Dotted to be boring as nothing he has ever done seems to bother, or even mildly inconvenience, Dotted. At least Dotted notices things amiss, Arcane doesn't even go that far.
Dotted Line finds Arcane to be a TRULY MASSIVE pain in the rump and one of the greatest generators of paperwork in Equestria. He is forever grateful that Arcane prefers to stay in Rainbow Falls, well away from anything politically important. Conversely, he sees Schadenfreude as amateurish but useful if pointed in the right direction.
Arcane Catalyst doesn't know Schadenfreude exists as Schaden has yet to purchase anything from him. However, he remembers Dotted quite well. He finds Dotted to be nice enough if a bit up tight and a regular consumer of headache relief potions.
9466720
I should clarify: I'm not trying to put upon Schaden. I find the Schadenfreude stories hilarious. I just think the characters would work out that way.
why is it the crazy ones have far more knowledge then everyone else????? it's................. jest so unsettling.
This story is insane, and I LOVE it! This is something I should read when I'm depressed. It could perk me right up! I'll be keeping my eyes open for updates on this.
9466859
*spittakes*
FOR REAL?! No foolin?!
I've actually been looking for an artist, was thinking of comissioning some cover arts. I used that old pony maker flash game go make all the main characters (except meadowbrook, she's canon so why bother), which you can find... Here. Couldn't figure out the cutirle mark imports though, stupid conputer...
Feel free to shoot me a message to discuss this more, that way we don't clog up the comments!
9466871
Yes. All my yes.
9466970
Glad you enjoyed it! See you like every other day or so for new chapters.
9466986
YES! Can't wait. Also, I really would like to know. Did you actually make a hint about the SCP Foundation?
9466993
Oh, most certainly? The things Dr. Bright is not allowed to do at the foundation inspired the lists, and then everyone said they were similar, both being immortal scientists... Figured I'd hint that they may or may not know each other. After all, at least according to his list, Dr. Bright IS an MLP fan...
9466997
lol! I had a feeling those list are based on Dr. Bright. But there was a pair of blacked out squares on one of the list, and I thought it actually was the SCP foundation.
LoL
I just realised something. Every member of the Alchemist's Guild has purchased from Arca even if only so he would remember them.
9468180
What do you think guild fees are for? Most go to the guild, but a tiny potion does go to Arca, and he counts that.
9468216
And here I was picturing one of the list of requirements to joining being "Travel to Rainbow Falls and purchase a potion from Arcane Catalyst" with no explanation given.
9468216
He should create a potion where it makes the pony talks backwards and it goes wrong and get a releaced into the town.